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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this poor woman her bloke is a cheating twat?

130 replies

NotSoFabReally · 01/10/2019 00:11

About 6 years ago I met this guy on Fab Swingers (for those who are not familiar, it's an adult hook up site mostly, not just for die hard swingers, no pun intended). I was single, I didn't want a relationship, but did want the odd shag. He came over a few times during the day over the course of a few weeks/months. Very hot, very good shag, few years younger than me, nice guy, or so it seemed. He told me he lived with his brother, not that I gave too much of a shit, but like me he said he was single and just looking for something casual. Of course you never really know the truth but I would only meet other single guys as let's face it there's enough of them without needing to go near the ones who are taken.

I had his number saved in my phone, so a few months after the last time I'd seen him, Facebook helpfully brought him up as a friend suggestion. Turns out his name wasn't what he said it was, and after Facestalking him a bit it turned out that not only was he in a relationship, at the time which we started shagging, his girlfriend was 6 months pregnant and they now had a baby. Her profile was very open and there were lots of lovey dovey posts about her wonderful man etc.

I had a break from Fab and when I went back on a year or so later under a different profile, this same guy messages me. I did a quick Facestalk of him and yep, he was still with this woman he'd had the baby with. I messaged him back saying something along the lines of "how's Sue and the baby?" (not real name obvs). He obviously shat his pants, sent me an abusive message back and then blocked me.

Fast forward to today, I went back onto Fab after ages of not being on there. Within minutes, guess who messages me wondering if I'd like to meet for a shag? He clearly doesn't know that it's me (different profile and pics from my last one). I ransacked the deepest archives of my brain for his real name and Facestalked him again. Seems him and Sue split up, and he promptly got together with another girl, let's call her Laura. She must have got pregnant very quickly as they have 2 year old twins. Both of their profiles are quite open, both saying in a relationship, lots of happy family photos, posts of them together from less than 48 hours ago.

So I message him back and ask 'will Laura be there too?'. He has just messaged me saying 'I'm not with her'. Obviously he's lying but I feel really sorry for his poor girlfriend who just like the last one has no idea what a dirty little shitbag he is. I have screenshots of his messages, with cock and face pics attached. Just been back onto Fab while writing this and he's hidden his profile. Should I send these screenshots to Laura so she knows the truth and can get herself down to the GUM clinic pronto? On the one hand it's none of my business but on the other hand if this was my bloke and father of my babies I think I would want to know.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 01/10/2019 11:29

@ALittleBitAlexis 😂😂😂

Kaddm · 01/10/2019 11:40

If you were going to inform either of these women, you should not have messaged the guy first. Doing so: a) tips him off that his partner might be contacted and b) puts you in a dangerous position (like you say, brick or worse, he’ll know it was you now)

You don’t think that you can open this can of worms without consequences do you?

Stay well away from him.
And that sleazy website.

VanGoghsDog · 01/10/2019 11:48

I dunno, after I split up with the ex I found out he'd been on Swinging Heaven for 12 years, we'd been together 7 and 12 years previously he'd been married still - he had 'reviews' that showed he'd been using it while we were together, specifically meeting up with women when he was 'working away' (which probably also explained why he never had any money).

Obviously I had all the tests.

I think I'd have been happy if someone had let me know.

As it was, finding out just reinforced for me that the relationship wasn't right and it was really hard to explain why, but with that knowledge it became obvious why things weren't right.

Sleepyhead19 · 01/10/2019 11:50

Hi, having been the one at home while my idiot ex was sleeping with someone 15 years his junior, I would say please tell her.
You won’t be the only one he’s sleeping with and who knows what he might have picked up and what he has given her. She has a right to know what kind of man she is with.
Give his poor gf a chance to meet someone good to her.

CleopatraTomato · 01/10/2019 11:55

I'm sure you'd be fine with one of the men "informing" your parents/employers/kids/ new partners that you were on the site too.

"Her new boyfriend should know"/ "She is a primary school teacher - the kids' parents should know"/ Her mother is arranging this big white wedding - FFS does she know how her daughter used to behave?"/

It has nothing to do with you. The point of the site is no strings/no questions. I am sure you don't expect to be stalked by the men you meet. It is just nasty.

WorryBadger · 01/10/2019 11:55

Good lord, she (OP) and another adult had consensual sex a few times, she didn't stamp on a kitten! I can't see that she has "behaved badly" in any way. SHE is a free agent, the man is not. Can't believe people can't see a difference.

CleopatraTomato · 01/10/2019 11:57

We, and she, do not know whether the man is a free agent or not. OP has seen FB pix - that is all. She is the one judging.

CleopatraTomato · 01/10/2019 12:05

.....and talk about patronising other women! "this poor woman" !

Gothichouse40 · 01/10/2019 12:17

I wouldn't say anything. You really don't know the consequences of telling this lady and she may take it very,very badly. Also there are young children involved. You could be throwing a hand grenade into this relationship and it may go very wrong. Say nothing and go on with your life. Its obviously bothered you what this man is doing but HE is the one that has to live with it. Just avoid him from now on, I think he will get found out eventually as most women I know are not completely stupid. Be very careful on these sites, an awful lot of men are not what you think.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 01/10/2019 12:24

@NoCauseRebel I see where you're coming from, but I also don't think it's at all unusual to double check whether someone is in a relationship when you know he has a history for cheating and messages you again.

It isn't 'stalking' and frankly its a ridiculous term in this context - its disrespectful to people that have been the victims of real stalking. Taking a look at information someone has freely put in the public domain to assess whether you want to sleep with them after they have indicated they want to is common sense.

I don't think she's 'invested' or 'going all moral'. I think she has simply realised some guy has been shagging around on his partners for four years and feels sad for the women that think they're in a happy relationship and wants them to have all of the relevant information. God knows I'd want to know if DP was doing that.

There are plenty of threads on here about women discovering an affair or finding out they are the OW and there's usually a lot more balance in the responses than slut shaming the Op for having a casual sex life.

jelly79 · 01/10/2019 12:38

He is bang out of order. But it's not your circus.

I believe that telling someone is either because you really care for the one being cheated on or you want revenge on the one who is cheating.

You chose to believe him. He is a liar. Move on he will get caught out another way.

CottonSock · 01/10/2019 13:04

Does he know where you live?

SunshineBubbles · 01/10/2019 13:22

A similar thing happened to me, except it was just messages and a couple of dates through a dating site. I discovered his profile as it linked to my Facebook messenger and he had a long term girlfriend. I stopped replying to his messages pushing me to meet up again and I messaged his girlfriend. The reason I didn’t “keep out of it” was because I had been cheated on in my last relationship and nobody told me.

She thanked me for telling her and her profile pic/relationship status was swiftly changed. A couple of months later I checked their profiles out of curiosity and there was a big engagement announcement. I tried Sad

GabsAlot · 01/10/2019 13:43

Who said it wa sno questions @cleopatratomato -youre assuming someone is being straight with you and theyre not so why not find out-whats her boss got to do with anything shes not cheating on him

MapMyMum · 01/10/2019 13:54

If it were me Id want to know

ambereeree · 01/10/2019 14:04

You're both looking for hookups not to police other people on the site. It's really none of your business. For all you know she could be accepting of his behaviour.

CardiFree · 01/10/2019 14:39

Another here that would want to know. Find a way to do it without risking your own safety OP.

DioneTheDiabolist · 01/10/2019 14:59

You’ve misunderstood what no strings means if you think it includes shopping people to their significant others.

^^This.

Bluntness100 · 01/10/2019 15:02

Agree,

How will you feel if he lets everyone know that if they sleep with you you will face book stalk them, and if you find out they may be in a relationship you will inform their partners,

Most of the men on there will be cheating. Why don't you routinely investigate as many as you can? Why just the one who has sex with you?

Billben · 01/10/2019 16:03

You behaved badly and now you want to hurt innocent people?

I see we’ve got another pearl crutcher amongst us 😀😂😀😂

How on Earth exactly did the OP behave badly?

letsdolunch321 · 01/10/2019 16:24

One million percent tell her.

Why should she not be told she is with a sleazy bastard. He deserves nothing but bad luck in his life.

PooWillyBumBum · 01/10/2019 16:33

I'd screenshot it and send her the screenshot.

Funghi · 01/10/2019 16:38

Why just the one who has sex with you?

The clue is in the question.

PhilCornwall1 · 01/10/2019 16:53

I would message her with screenshots. If you don't send screenshots she may not believe you..

I'm not going to say what you should do either way, I've got no real opinion there. You'll do what you do, but if you are going to tell her, be careful about doing the above. You don't want to find yourself on the wrong side of any laws.

jelly79 · 01/10/2019 16:55

@PhilCornwall1 I agree with you! Also if you have to tell her be kind. Screenshots would be brutal