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AIBU?

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Original poster

What can I do about receiving 'hurtful/emotionally charged' texts?

125 replies

JohnS2 · 30/09/2019 21:43

Hi, just a quick background to my situation:

I see my 5 year old daughter every Saturday. I go to my ex's place and we spend the day together. I like the current situation as I think it's good for my daughter to see us all together. My relationship with my ex is basically cordial and overall good. I have a great relationship with my little girl.

The issue I have is that my ex sends me very nasty text messages whenever I try to diverge from the current arrangement e.g this week because I'm unable (due to work) to attend my daughter's play I just received these 'below the belt' texts. The frequency of these sorts of texts is every couple of weeks. I feel that she thinks the relationship is still alive even though we haven't been together for more than a few years. Texting seems to be a tool she uses to annoy and torment.

Is there anything I can do to stop her from sending these sorts of messages? I've asked her but she doesn't listen/ignores me.

Thanks for any suggestions.
John

OP posts:
TheDarkPassenger · 30/09/2019 21:45

When my sons dad tosses off his stuff and can’t be arsed to put holidays in for stuff like I do then he gets a shorty text or two aswell. And I deffo don’t want him back!

Karwomannghia · 30/09/2019 21:51

I’d think it’s more that she’s hurt on your dd’s behalf that you’re not seeing her when expected. Do you arrange another time to make up for it? There could be some residual upset that you’re going to leave her too?

MzHz · 30/09/2019 21:52

Do you reply to this nonsense?

If so. Stop.

Make your texts only about dd and when the ex rants off about x y or z, ignore.

I do think though that you need to have dd away from the former marital home. Have some dad/dd time just you and her.

Creates a better dynamic long term

Ponoka7 · 30/09/2019 21:56

I think you need to separate ypur lives and you see your DD on your own.

Are you sure your ex doesn't resent that you have to use her home for contact?

It isn't good that you rely on your ex to provide somewhere for contact.

Perhaps when you are going to let your DD down it brings those feelings to the surface? That you just aren't stepping up enough.

You should be moving towards being an equal parent, not a visitor.

whatthehek · 30/09/2019 21:58

Why on earth do you only see her during the day on a Saturday? Why are you happy with that arrangement?

Ponoka7 · 30/09/2019 21:59

Just to add while you are relying on her to be the full time parent there's not that much you can do.

gobbynorthernbird · 30/09/2019 22:07

Why do you only see your daughter for a few hours each week?

Proseccoinamug · 30/09/2019 22:12

I think it’s probably because you’re not prioritising your dd. You should take annual leave from work if your dd is in a play, has a parents’ evening etc.

You will miss out if you don’t try to develop a stronger relationship by being present at important events in her life and move towards being an equal parent.

Is there a reason why you can’t have unsupervised contact with dd? Is contact court ordered to be supervised? Otherwise, why this arrangement?

ChicCroissant · 30/09/2019 22:15

It's not good for your DD to see you together because you are not together. Take her out, do something with her. I think it's a bit intrusive to see her in your ex's home.

How long have you known about the play and why didn't you book time off for it? I expect your ex is fed up of the situation, she is the one stuck with explaining to your DD why you are not coming.

namechange4052 · 30/09/2019 22:19

The fact that you have made your ex being annoyed that you haven't prioritised your daughter's play into 'oh she can't get over me' tells me all I need to know about what sort of man you are.

Oh, and start stepping up and looking after your kid alone in your own time.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 30/09/2019 22:26

You see your DD for a few hours each week, only facilitated by your ex being co-operative, and then wonder why she gets pissed off that you can't make any time out of your life for your DD in any other way?

I'm fairly sure it's not because she's not over you.

onemorerose · 30/09/2019 22:39

Don’t you think your ex maybe needs a break from looking after a 5 year old once a week at least rather than having to look after a 5 year old plus a full grown man at her home? Regards to not making it to plays etc she’s probably hurting for your daughter, not herself. Don’t flatter yourself

ReanimatedSGB · 30/09/2019 22:42

You 'like the current situation' because you never have to look after your DC on your own, probably have never changed a nappy or made the child a meal, and your XP probably has to feed you as well as DC when you 'visit'. It's not surprising she feels some resesntment towards you. You are not pulling your weight as a father. Is that why she kicked you out in the first place, by any chance?

PointlessUsername · 30/09/2019 22:45

Is there anything I can do to stop her from sending these sorts of messages? I've asked her but she doesn't listen/ignores me

Be more reliable for your daughter?

Raspberrytruffle · 30/09/2019 22:47

Tell her that you have had enough and that you will only be replying if its abought your child. Tell her if it doesn't stop she will have to find a go between

gamerchick · 30/09/2019 22:50

I think if I had to put up with my ex coming to my home every week and sit all day but not put himself out in any other way I'd be having a few words to say as well.

Take the bairn out FFS, give her mam a few hours to herself.

pallisers · 30/09/2019 22:56

you see your daughter once a week in the presence of her mother. Her mother never gets a break.

You aren't being a parent, you are being a nice man who visits once a week. Did it bother you that your daughter might have no one in the audience to see her play? Or did you just presume the real parent - your ex - would make sure someone was there.

You need to start behaving like a father.

pallisers · 30/09/2019 22:57

Tell her that you have had enough and that you will only be replying if its abought your child.

The text WAS about his child.

TrainspottingWelsh · 30/09/2019 23:04

You could stop viewing being a parent as a once a week optional activity that can be cancelled when it isn't convenient for you. Radical I know.

katalavenete · 30/09/2019 23:09

It's quite impressive the creative way you've tried to spin your laziness as being in your child's best interests.

theWarOnPeace · 30/09/2019 23:54

LOL

bluealgaee · 01/10/2019 00:42

Is there anything I can do to stop her from sending these sorts of messages? I've asked her but she doesn't listen/ignores me.
you could decide to keep to your commitments you presumably said you would do go to the play

Jollitwiglet · 01/10/2019 01:29

So you let your daughter down every couple of weeks? Can't imagine why she would be frustrated.

DonKeyshot · 01/10/2019 01:53

This reply has been deleted

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GunpowderGelatine · 01/10/2019 01:59

I love Mumsnet. I think OP was expecting g "aw you're such a good dad" posts.

Your poor ex never gets a break, and you intrude on her weekends in her home because for some reason you won't have your 5 year old alone. Then when it doesn't suit you you see your child even less. I'd be sending arsed texts too.

Hilarious (and such a male trait) that you think "oh she wants me" when actually she calling you out on your bad behaviour. It's SUCH Male mindset!