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AIBU?

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Original poster

What can I do about receiving 'hurtful/emotionally charged' texts?

125 replies

JohnS2 · 30/09/2019 21:43

Hi, just a quick background to my situation:

I see my 5 year old daughter every Saturday. I go to my ex's place and we spend the day together. I like the current situation as I think it's good for my daughter to see us all together. My relationship with my ex is basically cordial and overall good. I have a great relationship with my little girl.

The issue I have is that my ex sends me very nasty text messages whenever I try to diverge from the current arrangement e.g this week because I'm unable (due to work) to attend my daughter's play I just received these 'below the belt' texts. The frequency of these sorts of texts is every couple of weeks. I feel that she thinks the relationship is still alive even though we haven't been together for more than a few years. Texting seems to be a tool she uses to annoy and torment.

Is there anything I can do to stop her from sending these sorts of messages? I've asked her but she doesn't listen/ignores me.

Thanks for any suggestions.
John

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 01/10/2019 02:01

Is there anything I can do to stop her from sending these sorts of messages? I've asked her but she doesn't listen/ignores me.

Start being a parent rather than a visitor to your ex’s house. Put a bit of effort in and stop expecting your ex to host you on the one day a week you visit. Give your ex a break from being the 24/7 parent, and most of all, stop “diverging from the current arrangements” and letting your daughter down.

HTH

CharityConundrum · 01/10/2019 02:11

What happens if your ex 'diverges from the current arrangement' and refuses to accommodate you on a Saturday or lets you know at short notice that because of work she can't get your daughter to school?

Gamble66 · 01/10/2019 02:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Monty27 · 01/10/2019 02:38

You've not stepped up or have you? Possibly in a way that xdp still wants to control you and feature you more in their lives and you've frustrated them?

SimplySteveRedux · 01/10/2019 02:49

I'm pretty sure if you keep to the current arrangement you won't have a "great relationship" with your daughter in the years to come. Fathers like you really piss me off for some reason...

MutedUser · 01/10/2019 03:05

You see your daughter for a few hours on a Saturday . Wow Dad of the year. Of course you like the current situation she does ALL the work 24/7 while you swan in for a few hours on a Saturday and don’t even give her a break. Wow just wow no wonder she is pissed.

NerrSnerr · 01/10/2019 03:05

Why doesn't your daughter stay with you every other weekend and one night in the week? That's usually how it works.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 01/10/2019 03:12

No, the current arrangement is not good for your DD. It is easy for you that's ugh- no childcare and you can miss plays etc because you failed to book AL.

Step up and be an actual dad to this poor little girl before it's too late. You need proper contact in your house for two nights EOW and something midweek every week. Sort that out rather than whinging about texts.

whywhywhy6 · 01/10/2019 03:30

Why don’t you have 50% time with your child and in your own home?
I’d send you nasty texts too.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2019 03:38

Interesting how the mother of your child can't skip out because it's not convenient for her schedule. You see your daughter WITH your ex a couple of hours a week and you wonder why she's so fucking pissed off. Really?

DonPablo · 01/10/2019 04:12

You get these texts every couple of weeks? Because every couple of weeks you sack your daughters contact off?

There is a direct relationship between your shitty parenting and her shitty texts.

The quickest way to get her to stop sending below the belt texts? Be a better dad.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 01/10/2019 04:27

Hahahaha no she doesn't want you back, mate.

Your 'good situation' that you tell yourself is in your daughters best interests is a joke.

You sound like an uncle, not a Dad. Your ex is facilitating this meagre contact for her daughters sake and deserves a medal, but of course instead you are patting yourself on the back for showing up for a visit once a week while your ex raises your shared child single handed.

Meanwhile you're convinced that the displeasure she allows herself to show (tellingly - in text and so Not in front your child because, again, she puts your daughter first) is to you - a sign that she wants you back. 😂 hilarious.

Take AL and see your daughters play. Your ex doesn't get to opt out of parenting when it doesn't suit, why should you?

TheFastandCurious · 01/10/2019 04:30

I see my 5 year old daughter every Saturday. I go to my ex's place and we spend the day together. I like the current situation

Course you fucking do Disney Dad.

Tilltheendoftheline · 01/10/2019 04:34

I would just like to say it's not always possible to take annual leave for a childs play. Our school tends to let us know quite late. The rest of my years annual leave is taken up with half term and christmas holidays. Some places wont give AL last minute.

However, op, you need to be an actual parent. You go and see you daughter for what 6, 8 hours? With her there? She is the one always expected to be at the childs events?

You need to start seeing your daughter more and have her alone. You need to step up and be a parent. My dp used to visit during the day on a saturday after he met ds. That didnt make him ds parent.

You also need to seperate your relationship with your daughter from the relationship with your ex.

Do you go to ant events for your daughter that isnt in this few hours on a Saturday?

TheFastandCurious · 01/10/2019 04:50

You asked for suggestions so,

  1. Stop seeing your child together with mum. It’s not good for the child as you think. You are not building the ‘other parent’ relationship by doing this, just a ‘visiting uncle’ relationship. While your daughter might enjoy seeing you, it’s not the same.

  2. Have your daughter alone, overnight regularly.

  3. Use annual leave to attend events such as plays, school parent meetings, doctors, dentist and opticians appointments. Although it’s not always possible to attend every event because of work, you still need to try to make your life work around your child, not the other way round.

  4. Show much more respect for the fact her mum
    can never just decide it’s not convenient to have her daughter and make sure you are taking on as close to 50% of the cost and responsibility of raising the child you produced.

  5. Wake up to the fact your ex does not consider you are still in a relationship, just that she wants you to have more of a relationship than ‘a few hours fun visit’ with your daughter and is calling you out on being a shitty parent by text instead of doing it in front of your daughter.

Once you’ve done the above, the texts will stop. HTH.

RubaDubMum89 · 01/10/2019 04:57

Is there a reason why you only see your daughter during the day on a Saturday, hosted by your ex? Has she set out these terms or did you?

If its the latter then, for the sake of your relationship with DD this needs to change and soon.

She is more than old enough for overnight visits now. Ideally, you should be having DD every other weekend at your place. Is your place suitable? You say you've been split for a few years now so, if it isn't, it really should be by now.

I'm sorry OP but you really need to do more to accommodate your DD and stop relying on exdp to facilitate contact. As it stands, all the work falls to your ex. It's not the most mature approach, but, none of us are perfect and I'd probably be sending you shitty texts too in this situation.

Jenasaurus · 01/10/2019 05:02

You say abusive texts. Can you give an example. Who instigated the current arrangement. If it was your ex then fair enough but I do think you are missing out on creating a good relationship with your DD. Why not take your DD overnight once or twice a week. Your ex seems to be the parent and your the visiting uncle

ScabbyBabby · 01/10/2019 05:08

Your ex is a fucking saint.

MontyDyson · 01/10/2019 05:19

So you make arrangements then let your DD down, and you wonder why your ex is annoyed?Hmm

AgentJohnson · 01/10/2019 05:23

I think you need to read your posts back. You and your Ex aren’t together and you need to establish a relationship with your DD away from your Ex. Your Ex sees you as a family unit, albeit for a couple of hours on a Saturday and has unsurprisingly got very attached and invested to this routine.

Long term this arrangement will confuse your DD and it will only get harder to break free from the confines of this arrangement the longer it continues.

You need a contact arrangement where contact is independent of your Ex. I understand your Ex’s motivations but they aren’t healthy and they will impact your relationship with your DD.

Keeping your Ex ‘happy’ is a very short term strategy, that has many negative long term consequences.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2019 06:05

How do you get her to stop?

You step up and parent your child and set up a decent contact arrangement.

What is good about never taking responsibility for your child or your child’s needs? It isn’t normal to stay at your ex’s house during contact time. Does she also cook for you both and provide the food?

Poor woman. I bet she is tearing her hair out that you won’t step up.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2019 06:05

And go to the play ffs. Tell work you have plans. Grow some balls and be a real man.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 01/10/2019 06:11

OP I wouldn’t have posted this on here, some posters on here cannot see their arse from their elbow.

I don’t know background or your circumstances however being abusive is never OK, no matter what the circumstances.

I’d personally change the contact and ask for it to be at a contact centre or with another family member.

It’s ok to change a few visits not everyone has an anal routine in which they can religiously stick to.

Having worked in social services, I know of many reasons why visitation is changed due to individual circumstances.

YABU

willowmelangell · 01/10/2019 06:22

Name one single thing that you do for your child, that does not involve her mother.
You are lazy, selfish and entitled. The size of your ego is breathtaking.

justheretostalk · 01/10/2019 06:27

Why don’t you have your daughter at your place? And why do you only see her one day a week?

You sound like a pretty pathetic parent tbh. Grow up and parent your child.