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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What can I do about receiving 'hurtful/emotionally charged' texts?

125 replies

JohnS2 · 30/09/2019 21:43

Hi, just a quick background to my situation:

I see my 5 year old daughter every Saturday. I go to my ex's place and we spend the day together. I like the current situation as I think it's good for my daughter to see us all together. My relationship with my ex is basically cordial and overall good. I have a great relationship with my little girl.

The issue I have is that my ex sends me very nasty text messages whenever I try to diverge from the current arrangement e.g this week because I'm unable (due to work) to attend my daughter's play I just received these 'below the belt' texts. The frequency of these sorts of texts is every couple of weeks. I feel that she thinks the relationship is still alive even though we haven't been together for more than a few years. Texting seems to be a tool she uses to annoy and torment.

Is there anything I can do to stop her from sending these sorts of messages? I've asked her but she doesn't listen/ignores me.

Thanks for any suggestions.
John

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 01/10/2019 06:28

So your ex only has a couple of hours off each week, and gets cross when you don’t even do those. When was the last time she had an evening out? Or a weekend off?

I think it’s past time that you took on more responsibility for your child.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 01/10/2019 06:39

How come you didn't book annual leave for your daughters play?

LadyJaneGrey56 · 01/10/2019 06:45

I see my 5 year old daughter every Saturday. I go to my ex's place and we spend the day together. I like the current situation as I think it's good for my daughter to see us all together.

Right so you pop along once a week and have fun with your daughter without doing any actual parenting or giving her mum a break. You cancel stuff regularly and are surprised when she gets shitty with you.
Let's hope this is a reverse or a wind up... surely nobody is this unaware?

How can you stop the texts:

  1. Sit down and talk to your ex about how you can take some actual responsibility and give her a break.
  2. Pay your way (if you don't)
  3. Make your dd a priority in your life, make concrete plans, book days off work well in advance (try communicating with school or looking on their website for important dates) and make it a priority to turn up, not something you do if you feel like it.
  4. Give your ex a bit of appreciation for being a good mum and carrying the load.
  5. Try imagining what your dd's life would be like if her other parent behaved like you too.... popping by once a week and not making time to go to important events. Pretty shit I imagine. Step up and start parenting the child you created.
Littleheart5 · 01/10/2019 06:49

“Great relationship” Hmm
Once a week visit?! Stop patting yourself on the back and step up to the plate! I sincerely hope you’re paying her mother decent child support to make up for the fact she is, essentially, a single parent!!
(I know that’s not how it calculated before anyone jumps on me)

SoupDragon · 01/10/2019 07:00

go to the play ffs. Tell work you have plans

PMSL. Yes and lose his job. 🙄

MsTSwift · 01/10/2019 07:02

Wow. The lack of self awareness is breathtaking. Your dd is like a pleasant hobby you do on Saturday afternoons and you leave your ex to do 100% of the parenting grunt work with zero respite. I’d send shirty texts in those circumstances too.

Surfskatefamily · 01/10/2019 07:05

If you turn up every week you won't get these texts.
You need to talk to work and tell then you only see your child one day a week and it's a Saturday so you can't work Saturday. That is very little time spent with your child and I'm not surprised your ex is annoyed you let your daughter down every few weeks.
I'm also surprised you wouldn't make every effort to see her. Less than that is barely parenting

Surfskatefamily · 01/10/2019 07:07

If work will not agree to every Saturday then you need to make new arrangements. See what scheduled time can be set in stone with work and ex and make sure you are there every single week.

Shoxfordian · 01/10/2019 07:10

Arrange proper contact times with your daughter, not at your ex's house, start being a better dad

SAHD2020 · 01/10/2019 07:22

@JohnS2. Guys perspective here. I agree with most other posters. Every Saturday is not good enough. You like the current arrangement as it’s quite easy and simple.....for you!

You have a child who needs to spend 1on1 time with you. Step up and sort out a proper plan where you take your child overnight and at weekends. Be a father not a fleeting man in her life. Oh and your ex definately doesn’t want you back she is probably just pissed off at you cancelling things and not stepping up!

AzraiL · 01/10/2019 07:24

It can't be that she's furious with you for 'visiting' your child instead of being an actual parent, or frustrated that you drop the ball so often. No. It's must be because she's absolutely chomping at the bit to get back with a man who adds absolutely no value to her or her child's life. Hmm

user1480880826 · 01/10/2019 07:27

You don’t see enough of your daughter. Once a week for a few hours is really shit. You’re not parenting, you’re just an occasional visitor. I spend more time chatting to my next door neighbour than you spend with your own child. No wonder your ex gets angry with you.

Take your daughter out somewhere and give your ex a break. She’s a full time single parent.

NotMyRealName123 · 01/10/2019 07:29

I think you should probably not have revealed your gender here

Queenoftheashes · 01/10/2019 07:30

Yeah you’re not making enough effort.

You want to enjoy a once a week visit instead of actually making a substantial contribution to parenting.

A fucking play one evening isn’t so difficult to sort out. No doubt it’s been in the pipeline for a while.

OrchidInTheSun · 01/10/2019 07:33

I suspect the 'I see my child for a few hours a week at my ex's house' bit of the OP would have given it away @NotMyRealName123 Hmm

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 01/10/2019 07:34

How do you feel reading these replies op?

Janus · 01/10/2019 07:36

I think your ex probably needs you to take dd off on your own for a day a week and overnight. Can you put yourself in her shoes, she has your dd every, single day. No day or evening off to go and do something for herself, a night off from the responsibility of your child, she must be absolutely exhausted. When you visit she has to be there and so although that maybe lovely for you I imagine she does not like this arrangement. The odd unified front, like attending the play together, would be perfect but you need to step up here and give your ex some rest by taking your dd off on your own.

Totalwasteofpaper · 01/10/2019 07:46

This MUST be a wind up...

You basically shirk all daily grind weekday responsibility then when it’s the weekend can’t even be bothered to take sole responsibility for your child so your ex can have a break - you insist the ex is there and probably make you make the ex do half (or more) of the actually boring parenting. I assume they agree to this poor excuse for contact for the sake of the child rather than because they love spending time with you and believe you have a “great relationship”

THEN because you aren’t shitty enough yet, you flake out when you feel like it and leave her with a sobbing uncontrollably upset child Hmm

Truly thou art a prince amongst men...

Wake the fuck up and be a parent....
No wonder you like the current situation you do fuck all and swan in and out when you like then have the audacity to act like the injured party when your ex literally cannot swallow down any more of your BS and calls you out on it....I bet you tell everyone who’ll listen how you are the injured party...

This post utterly boils my piss

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 01/10/2019 08:03

We have no idea how much time OP spends with his daughter on Saturday so no clue why everyone is assuming it is a couple of hours. Also if it is the full Saturday is that not more time then seeing her EOW? mid week might not always work schedule wise for the child I know it was certainly not the case for me. He might not be in a position to have her over night. Living on your own can be unaffordable for some people maybe he shares a flat with someone. I don't have a child yet but I would feel extremely uncomfortable with letting child stay over at a EXs house if he had a flatmate etc. Maybe the child feels the need to have the mother there for security at that age. Maybe the ex put the current system in place. Maybe they put that system in place when the child still needed the mother there and he never felt it was his place to have a discussion about changing it etc. We have no clue yet everyone assumes OP is the bad guy

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 01/10/2019 08:09

How can all day Saturday (how long can a 5 year old stay awake for? 16 hours?) be more time that EOW? That just doesn't add up.

Also, the time that IS spent is at the ex's house with her. That isn't right.

CodenameVillanelle · 01/10/2019 08:12

This is the worst contact arrangement in the world. No wonder she's pissed off with you. She never gets a day off, she has to spend the day with her ex, she has to have you in her house every weekend. Grow up and make proper arrangements to coparent. If you can't have her overnight for some reason at least take her out all day on Saturday and a day after school too.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 01/10/2019 08:13

@Namechangeforthiscancershit but again we don't know the reason to why all the time is spend at her house. His place might be unsuitable and dragging a 5 year old around outside is hardly ideal they get tired. Maybe the mother insists on this arrangement. We don't have any details

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 01/10/2019 08:19

@CodenameVillanelle how do we know if the ex is willing to let him coparent?

KUGA · 01/10/2019 08:22

168 hours in a week and you have dd for less than 6?.
you do the maths.
No wonder x sends txt`s.

CodenameVillanelle · 01/10/2019 08:22

He's a grown man and shares equal parental responsibility. If he wants to coparent he can make that happen. He's very complacent with the current arrangements isn't he?