What can I do about receiving 'hurtful/emotionally charged' texts?

[JohnS2]

Hi, just a quick background to my situation:

I see my 5 year old daughter every Saturday. I go to my ex's place and we spend the day together. I like the current situation as I think it's good for my daughter to see us all together. My relationship with my ex is basically cordial and overall good. I have a great relationship with my little girl.

The issue I have is that my ex sends me very nasty text messages whenever I try to diverge from the current arrangement e.g this week because I'm unable (due to work) to attend my daughter's play I just received these 'below the belt' texts. The frequency of these sorts of texts is every couple of weeks. I feel that she thinks the relationship is still alive even though we haven't been together for more than a few years. Texting seems to be a tool she uses to annoy and torment.

Is there anything I can do to stop her from sending these sorts of messages? I've asked her but she doesn't listen/ignores me.

Thanks for any suggestions.
John

The reality about being a resident parent is that being there for your child isn’t an option and I totally understand the frustration when the NRP views being there for their child as an option, despite having the greater freedom of being the NRP.

I remember my Ex saying DD was his priority when the reality was, she was only a priority when it aligned with his.

I think the OP is a shitty wanker because he visits his child one day a week. I'd think he was a shitty wanker if he were a woman too.

The knots some posters will tie themselves in to forgive appalling behaviour in men in a frankly bizarre and misguided attempt to 'redress the balance' on MN never ceases to amaze.

@OrchidInTheSun plenty of parents only see the child EOW if coparenting or a 50/50 split of care is not possible (as was the case with my parents) it does not make someone a shit parent. What would make someone a shit parent is frequently missing the time they are supposed to have with the child or not making that time one of their priorities

@redapple so you admit the OP is a shitty parent he frequently misses his time with his child .

I think you might want to read the OP again @redappleandaquamarinebow1987

Missing time with his child and not making it a priority is exactly what he is saying he does.

@OrchidInTheSun @MutedUser he never says how often it happens. Also we don't know what job he does. He could stick to the time 99% of the time but has to miss some because work not being flexible. Not everyone has the luxury to have a flexible work schedule

Except women usually, who fit their jobs around childcare. Someone has to actually be a parent. If your job only allows you a few hours a week to see your child then you need a new job, or shouldn't have considered procreating in the first place.

He says I get these type of comments every time I diverge from our arrangement the frequency of these is every couple of weeks. So he does this every couple of weeks as he says in his post.

@MutedUser I apologise I did not see the every other week part of the post. It might sound like they need to restructure the current set up to suit them both. Depending on work he might need to ask for more flexibility but I know not all jobs allow that so that is an issue that will need renegotiating.

So do you agree that he really needs to step up a bit now you've actually read his post or are you still positioning him as a hapless victim of circumstance because he's got a penis?

@prawneater a lot of high paid and professional jobs require a intense in put of hours at work. These jobs do provide a certain lifestyle. It does not make someone a bad parent to want to provide. Or do you sugest that jobs such as IT programmers, doctors, surgeons, lawyers etc only go to single childless people?

@OrchidInTheSun hard to say not knowing his job or the exact reason. Was there an emergency at work? I would understand. Was he too lazy to book time off in advance or just wanted to do some over time then his daughter takes priority

Where's John gone? Looks like he's ghosted us

John, my ex did precisely what you do.

My ds is 11 and recently said “daddy is pretty lazy and selfish, isn’t he.”

At 11 he can see, what all the commentators here can see, and you can’t. I am sad ds feels that way but I can’t deny the obvious.

Do you want your child to think that of you? Children aren’t stupid. And they say it how it is.

I agree with PP's that are saying the OP needs to do more to see his DD than only on a saturday morning at his ex's house. But those who have said couldn't you have booked a holiday to go see your DD's play, it isn't always that easy. It depends what his job is for a start, my DH has had 1 weeks worth of holiday approved this year, there were 2 weekends he booked as holiday that they just gave him as his 2 days off and the rest have been refused, so he still has all his holidays to take but isn't allowed to take them. We had booked to go to a theme park overnight, so 2 days in the park and 1 night in the hotel, for my DD's birthday and they didnt tell him until the week before we were due to go that they hadn't approved it.

@redappleandaquamarinebow1987 my dh is one of those people. Guess what. He still eats at night, he doesn't work 7 days a week, he still sees his kids. If his wife also had a similar job then what? Has he made alternative arrangements for his child every time he can't make it, or does he just assume his ex picks up the slack?

Christ you’ve got it easy haven’t you? Only seeing your kid for a few hours once a week and even then you don’t have to take on parental responsibility. You can just be the fun guy can’t you. And then you have the cheek to moan about the woman who gets upset with you because every other week you decide the small part you do play in your child’s life is too much for you, and decides it must be because she can’t get over losing your sorry arse rather than the fact that’s it just might be because she cares for your dd’s feelings a lot more than you appear to!

OP puts me in mind of aristocrats in the past who saw their children for a few hours when washed and scrubbed up by the staff before nanny scuttled off upstairs with them to do literally everything else child related.

You are a really crap parent. HTH

For fuck’s sake. I scrolled through three pages because I knew this was instantly going to be a shit show because OP had the gall to be a man. None of us have any idea why the arrangements work for them, and if a woman said all of this it would be what an abusive shit her ex is.

I have never, and I mean genuinely never, known a woman who sees her children only on Saturdays, and even then only on the Saturdays where it suits them. This is absolutely not a thread demonstrating how misandrist Mumsnet is. It’s (yet another) thread about how some dads are fucking useless. Claiming it’s anti-male is just a way to silence women who are, quite rightly, critical of dead beat dads.

Whats I knew one the exception that proved the rule. But the child’s father didn’t see her either she was brought up by the fathers girlfriends nanny. Most of their peers thought they were both neglectful they were city high fliers.

I’d send you shitty messages too

This is what your ex does every single day of the week, every day of the year:
-Gets up very early in the morning 7 days a week
-Gets woken up in the night if your DD is ill or has a bad dream
-Buys and prepares child friendly, nutritious food several times a day and carries in her head all the information about what minerals and vitamins DD is consuming and her likes and dislikes
-Takes and picks her up from childminder, school etc and takes responsibility for all communications between them (this is a LOT)
-Keeps an eye out for the state of her clothes, buys new clothes when she outgrows them, buys clothes for PE and other activities. Washes, dries and irons her clothes
-Devotes headspace to her health, looks out for symptoms, treats symptoms, takes her to the doctor and dentist. Keeps a record of doctor and dentist visits/immunisations etc
-Notices what care her hair needs. Makes sure it is washed regularly, remembers when she last went to the hairdresser, makes hairdresser appointments and takes her there
-Notices when her toe and finger nails need cutting and then cuts them
-Makes sure she has had a bath or shower every day
-Devotes headspace to what toys, books etc she enjoys, has or needs to have. Buys new ones as she develops. Remembers where they are kept, organises getting rid of them when she out grows them
-Devotes a lot of headspace to her educational development. Visits and chooses schools, talks to teachers and other parents, goes to parent meetings helps at school events
-Knows who her friends are, keeps track in her head of who they are, where they live, who their parents are, and how DD relates to them
-Buys presents for DDs friends, takes her to their parties, spends time cultivating relationships when she goes there
-spends time with her every day of the week. Chatting, showing her how to do things, reading to her, checking in homework, taking her on trips and visits etc
-plans her birthdays and Christmas. Buying what she needs, inviting friends, planning activities and parties bags etc
-Generally being responsible for her every single hour of every day and having to accommodate to DDs every need (sometimes with no notice)despite everything else she has to do.

These are some things your ex CANNOT do, has not been able to do for the last 5 years and will not be able to do for many years to come
-leave the house spontaneously, even to buy a pint of milk
-go out in the evening unless she has chosen, arranged and paid for a babysitter

• choose whatever work she likes unless it fits in with DD

-go to work early or stay at work longer if necessary, to catch up -take on a promotion without a lot of extra planning -go to doctor, dentist or hairdresser by herself

And on top of this she needs to keep her house clean and organised, look after herself and of course WORK

And you wonder why she is sometimes curt and irritable?

Disney dad

• go on holiday

Oh dear John. Oh dear.
He won't be back.
He's done a silent flounce.

“Hurtful texts” cry me a river