To think no matter how amicable children lose out in a divorce?

[Geronimo8]

DH and his ex-wife spilt over 10 years ago. We now have two DC together plus his DC EOW. When I see how much our two get from him I can't help but think how little the older two get of him. AIBU to think no matter how amicable that kids really do lose out in a divorce?

Not necessarily. My ex was an abusive (not to
The kids) alcoholic/drug taking narcissist. My children are/will be much better off in the long term without him playing such a big part in their life.

It depends. In your case, yes. Assuming your husband is a decent father.

In my case, hell, no. It was bring out the bunting time when I didn’t have to spend my teenage years under the same roof as my father. 🚩🚩🚩

When my parents divorced I never saw my father again I was 15. He was an abusive alcoholic and the day he left was one of the best days of my life. The only thing that would have made life better is if he had left when I was younger. So yes I think yabu. Not all families are happy and some are better apart.

My parents divorced when I was very young - not amicably at all - but even at that young of an age the only thing I felt was relief. There is no benefit for a child to have parents who hate each other to stay together, that would have caused far more damage than anything.
I think if parents no longer love each other then they should separate but try to co-parent amicably and be civil to one another, that is the best case scenario for all involved.

You’re making the common mistake of comparing divorced parents with happy loving parents. In which case - yeah, the kids lose out.

I wish my daughter had her parents together. But the comparison is actually saying “I wish my daughter was growing up in stifled tension, and two parents living separate lives with no affection”.

Instead, she’s got two happy homes.

I wish she had one happy one instead. But two happy beats one unhappy, every time.

What it your husband’s reason for only seeing his kids 2 days a fortnight? And if he felt he was spread too thin, why did he have 2 more?

Maybe I don’t worry about my daughter because she sees her father far more than that, and when she does she’s not sharing him with more children?

How would you feel if I said “AIBU to think children lose out when their fathers start second families and don’t bother to see them more than one weekend a fortnight?”

Not in all circumstances such as those mentioned above but certainly in some situations kids do not survive divorce unscathed.

A friend put up with her abusive DH because she strongly believed her three sons needed their DF and a united family. Finally she decided she really couldn't put up with him any more. So she broke the news to their DC, dreading their reaction.

Imagine her amazement when they all wrapped their arms around her saying "At last! What took you so long?"

My dd's father has consistently prioritised his new life over her and refuses to accept how upset she is by the fact she rarely sees him and how pushed out she is. Me being divorced doesn't impact on her, her father being a fucking loser does.

I think you're right - in an ideal situation the parents stay together, and it's unrealistic to think a divorce won't impact the kids at all.

However, the reality is that parents do split up. There's just no getting away from that fact. So if it happens you have to make the best of it.

It's awful having divorced parents, my parents split amicably when I was 16 so wasn't too young, but split parents complicates life. DH and I both have split parents, plus split step parents, it's so difficult trying to divide our time, handle everything equally. Please everyone. It would be simpler to just have 2 sets of parents, end of. I really hope we can continue to give our boys one home, it's certainly preferable, but not over an unhappy marriage of course. It was right that my parents split.

They're even worse off in the middle of a shitty marriage. Lets be honest. Also why doesn't he have them midweek or do alternate weeks? EOW is a total cop out. I'd be ashamed if my DH had kids and only saw them that often.

It depends, if one parent is abusive and the children are witnessing this then they are definitely better with separate parents. If not then I get what you mean as they do miss out on some things, often practically and financially even if they receive lots of love

My parents are 40 years post divorce and it’s still a nightmare at times juggling them and their issues with each other.

It largely depends on the parents willingness to prioritise their DCs needs.

OP, are you wondering what will happen to your kids if you divorce? Is that why you asked this question? Are you concerned that you H will behave the same way to your DC that he did to his first?

No, I don’t think so. Ex and I split a year ago. DD is now 8. She is far happier than when we lived together. We didn’t argue but we struggled to get on and were tense and irritable. Now we are both separately happy and chilled. We have a routine but are very amicable so it is flexed to fit plans built around DDs needs and wants. DD loves focussed quality time with each of us.

Probably best to be the child of a happy marriage. However if that isn’t available then better the child of a properly amicable spilt.

From what I've seen with friends and family, an amicable divorce where both parents see lots of the children is probably better than an unhappy marriage. It's when new partners and children come on the scene that the problems start.

I dont think so at all. My parents hated each other but stayed together because that was what you did in the early 90s in Ireland. The day he finally left the screaming and shouting all stopped it was great.
From a point of view if my stepson DP has maintained a brilliant relationship with his son ( we have him about 40%of the time). Sounds like your hubbie needs to step up in regards to your step children.

I would've given anything, ANYTHING, to have not been forced to see my father. The continual forced stayings destroyed me as a child, a teenager, a young adult. It was only when he died that sadly, I began to heal. I loved him, but being forced to see him against my will was deeply deeply unjust and unfair and to my ultimate detriment.

Of course kids are better off with two loving, stable parents in the same home. Unfortunately some parents are abusive/alcoholics/narcissistic and the DC are therefore better off in a single parent family. No, it's not ideal, but it's definitely better than being subject to violence or emotional abuse or parents shouting all the time.

It depends - I think where there is addiction and/or abuse, your statement doesn't apply. My alcoholic late H and I were relatively amicable even though I had him removed from the family home by the police - he at least had some insight into his culpability for the end of the marriage. However, he had thoroughly destroyed his relationship with our DDs and they were massively better off without him. As was I.

Whilst the ideal is 2 parents, 4 grandparents and supportive extended family the reality is often very different.

2 parents, happily co parenting is better than 2 parents living together and arguing, belittling each other and or being abusive in one of the many different ways.

One happy parent is also better than the above, even if they no longer see the other parent.

My kids always said they were luckier than friends in some ways as they always got 2 summer holidays, 2 Christmases and 2 birthday celebrations. There were other ways in which it didn't work so well but on balance they were definitely better off when we were no longer together.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m00051dz

Thank God for divorce. We exchanged a violent alcoholic for a loving, engaged step-father. Happy days. I still loved my dad but he was incapable of being a father to us. My step-dad showed us what a parent really should behave like. It changed our lives and gave us a shot at a childhood and a happy future. I won't lie, it does leave us with complicated feelings for all involved but I am glad it happened regardless.