To think no matter how amicable children lose out in a divorce?

[Geronimo8]

DH and his ex-wife spilt over 10 years ago. We now have two DC together plus his DC EOW. When I see how much our two get from him I can't help but think how little the older two get of him. AIBU to think no matter how amicable that kids really do lose out in a divorce?

OP, with all due respect, what's impacting your step kids is the fact that their dad has a new full time family.

If he hadnt have had 2 more kids, he would have had more resources tonfight for more than EOW.

They can also see first hand that their half siblings get their dad full time when they dont.

The answer is for your husband to have arranged more access. Now they are older, that shouldn't be an issue. He can see them more as it's their choice.

Divorce doesn't impact kids as such. It is how its handled. Your husbands divorce cant have been amicable I'd he desperately wanted the children more and whe wouldnt allow it. I am assuming he went to court to get more access, that wont have been amicable.

Couldn't disagree more.

If your dh hadn't gone on to have more children with you, he'd have plenty of emotional and mental resources to be there for his kids.

it's quite apparent the older ones have a DH sized hole in their lives.

Try and make this work differently then. Why doesn't he see them more often?

I don't really see what your point is tbh. It is obvious that starting a relationship and having children with a man who already has a family is going to reduce the time, attention, practical support and finance for the original children. Yet you don't seem to recognise your own part in this and even seem a bit smug and self-congratulatory about the experience your own DC are having in comparison

When the alternative is two unhappy parents then I would have to disagree. I’d agree that mine and DHs DD gets more time with him as she lives with us full time but we make the time we do have switch DSD quality time and she has two step parents who love her. We might not be her actual parents but I’d like to think we bring something positive to her life and are extra people in her life who love and care about her.

My parents didn't split up. Our house was dominater by my mother's intense mood swings and my dad's apparent inability to do anything right ever. There was violence daily.

I grew up thinking that's what relationships were like. Had a relationship with a decent man where i basically played my mum's role. He was "too nice" so ended up with my extremely unpredictable and abusive ex. The contstant emotional and someimes physical pain "felt like home" to me.

Agree with what others have said re unhappy or abusive marriages but also with what's been said about EOW. That's simply not parenting at all. My ex sees our 2 EOW (his choice, not mine. I'd have had 50/50) and in 5 years hasn't done a school run, sick day, medical appointment, parents evening, anything. The kids miss out on activities, parties etc when they are with him as there is distance involved (again his choice). I think if your dh really wants to be an involved father to his 4 children he needs to spread himself out a bit more and if that means your 2 'missing out' a bit, well so be it. Judges will award more access these days unless there is good reason not to so if the mum is being obstructive, he should take steps. It doesn't cost ££ and you don't need representation. Does he want more involvement though?

Dd was 8 when her father left. She then said that she was glad he had gone as she sees him more now.

She was seeing him weekly every Saturday until she went to uni and at 22 sees him every other week.

She has a better relationship with him now because he left.

Yeah. It’s not divorce that making his original kids lose out, it’s his lack of involvement in their lives. Why doesn’t he see them more?

I think the parents often convince themselves the children aren’t missing out and have two happy homes. I don’t think this is the case unless one parent is extremely abusive and there is no contact and the remaining parent doesn’t seek new relationships.

Why would the remaining parent not seeking a new relationship make the kids happier @abitmorethanusual ? I've been on my own for several years and in many ways that feels like an additional burden to my dcs. I think they'd quite like me to meet someone nice. Their dad has no shortage of gfs.

I think the parents often convince themselves the children aren’t missing out and have two happy homes. I don’t think this is the case unless one parent is extremely abusive and there is no contact and the remaining parent doesn’t seek new relationships.

I think this is often the view of someone that doesnt really understand the individual issues facing each couple divorcing. Or has been highly damaged during a divorce and doesnt understand it doesnt always have to be the same.

I mean, come on, extremely abusive. So low level to moderate abuse is ok? Kids grow up fine in that environment?

I think all children suffer to some extent in divorce. How the parents deal with the split and all that follows is key to limiting the damage. Unfortunately a lot of parents put their own needs first.

No one gets divorced because they think it'll be an amazing life enhancing experience for the children (well, I suppose some people might). More often it's the result of profoundly unhappy people trying to make life better overall. I'm not saying you are wrong, but it's a bit like saying what a shame it is you can't wear nice shoes when you've broken your leg. Ok terrible analogy!

Also I agree your DH could perhaps think about what he can do to increase the role he plays in their lives. In amicable splits the other parent is usually more than happy to discuss this sort of thing because it's to the benefit of the children.

Well, your experience is that, as a team, your husband and his ex could not work out a co-parenting schedule that meant his older kids get a decent amount of time with him. That's a situation-specific issue, not a divorce issue generally.

It's a failure on your husband and his ex-wife - whatever these reasons were, they clearly proved to take priority over what was better for his older children.

I think what it comes down to is that you can't be equally committed to two family units.

My parents divorcing was one of the best things that ever happened to me when I was young.

So interesting to read some pp's saying how brilliant it was and what a relief when their df's left. I have always wished my parents had split when I was a child instead of when I was almost 30.

For context I am late 40's. This year I met a truly lovely man. We have an amazing relationship. I have never had or known a relationship like this with a man before. I never knew what it was like to be loved like this or even cared for.

My expectations in life were to be treated like cr@p and that is pretty much what has happened in my life with every relationship until this year.

I have one sibling and I can see how much of an impact df's behaviour made on them (very different ways to me). My dm has more confidence now but df left a long time ago.

It's a myth that always staying together is beneficial for dc's. However you can still be a good or rubbish parent in another house.

Abuse aside, I personally think EOW is really shit and judge dads (it's always dad's) for choosing to have this arrangement. If we ever divorced my DH would accept nothing less than 50/50.

See I wouldn't want 50 50. I'd want a stable home base rather than them having to constantly swap back and forth. Ideally they'd see the NRP at some point during the week. I'm guessing this man is too busy with his second family to do that.

I wished my parent had divorced as I wouldn’t have had to witness the constant rows and DV and constantly walked round on eggshells. I could never have friends round as I didn’t know if my dad would start a row whilst they were there.

I agree @SnuggyBuggy. How many adults would choose to divide their lives 50/50 between two homes?! Even the thought of it makes me feel less sane. It's a state of affairs dreamed up by nr men to benefit nr men. Not the kids who spend their lives in a constant state of flux.

I think it's "fair" to the parents at the cost to the child. I'm way more organised than I was as a teenager and I'd still struggle to organise myself well enough to split my working weeks between 2 places and that's without all the uniform and school equipment you'd need to remember to take with you.

I always remember that character from The Suitcase Kid whose parents divorced and seemed to lose interest in her and just expected to fit in with their new families. When parents divorce the needs of their child should come first ideally.

I personally think EOW is really shit and judge dads (it's always dad's) for choosing to have this arrangement

Oh please. Have you never come across situations where either anything else is just not practical (e.g. long distance - equally as likely to be chosen by RP) or RP obstructs anything further?

I know everyone speaks from their own experience (including me) but it's not hard to realise that not all experiences are the same...

My own parents divorced. My dad could have done a lot more to be present in my life and by the time I was 11 I chose not to see him. But as an adult looking back I feel my mum could have helped a lot more too and simply didn't facilitate because 'why should she?' It was his responsibility. And it was. But in making the point it was me who lost our. He wasn't abusive. He was just a bit shit but his own upbringing had been properly disastrous. On the face of it they were amicable but mum let her feelings be known that 'he left us' and what an awful man he is bleed through to the point where I felt like I should choose a side. My stepmum was only too happy to see the back of me and certainly wasn't going to help either because 'why should she?'. I never felt particularly welcome in their home and didn't feel like belonged there. I don't really think either of my parents were able to put me first nor do I think they put as much into their relationship when it started to falter.

I feel my mum could have helped a lot more too and simply didn't facilitate because 'why should she? Blaming a woman for a man's failings isn't going to help. She couldn't force him to do what he didn't want to do. I let my son's dad know he can have him whenever and keep him informed of everything health/school wise etc but I can't force him to be involved. Luckily his parents are very involved and my son knows how loved he is.