To think no matter how amicable children lose out in a divorce?

[Geronimo8]

DH and his ex-wife spilt over 10 years ago. We now have two DC together plus his DC EOW. When I see how much our two get from him I can't help but think how little the older two get of him. AIBU to think no matter how amicable that kids really do lose out in a divorce?

Yes in the main they do, there are occasions it’s for the best.

From what I’ve seen they miss out a lot more when a second family comes along rather than it remaining just them.

I think children are happiest when brought up by two loving parents who live together.

But As others have said, just because mum and dad live together doesn’t mean they are happy.

When parents separate it is hard on the kids. It annoys me when parents pretend heir children are affected. They might be better off in the long run of the parents were exposing their children to heir unhappy marriage, but a separate is always tough in the kids.

No. Absolutely not. My children's father is a nasty, callous and deceitful man. We are free and happy without him.

My parents split when I was 3. Yes, sometimes there have been difficult situations when both wanted me on the same days etc and you could say it is better when parents stay together. But how happy would I have been if my parents stayed together instead of splitting? I would have grown up in an awful environment compared to in two houses with two happy parents.

You can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his children. If this how he treats the kids from his first family I would have been extremely reluctant to have children with him in the first place.

My son lost in on living with a man who gambled his mums money away. Emptied her bank account. Switched jobs every 5 minutes. Now he has a stable home life and dad visits when he can be arsed.

I know someone who recently separated and she said her child hasn't been affected at all. I did feel like saying this may be the case now but as that child gross older, I doubt very much that will be the case.

It depends on the parents, we share custody of our children so they get to see plenty of both of us, I don’t understand how people can go for so long without seeing their kids ( eow is shit and not enough), obviously the to-ing and fro-ing from each of our houses can be annoying for them but it’s been this way so long it’s normal now, and if we were still together they’d be growing up with an unhappy mother and a tense atmosphere.

YABVU. My ex is an abusive twat who doesn't bother to stay in contact on a regular basis with his dc, even over the phone.

If he was a nice, kind, loving person, I would say yes the dc would be missing out. But they're really are not.

Did you realise he was a crap dad to his children before you had yours with him?

My DH is an amazing dad to my DSC and our DD and his DC are very happy their parents divorced and they no longer have to see their mum screaming abuse at their dad.

We have them here twice a week and if he hadn’t been an engaged, present, supportive, wonderful father to them I’d have broken up with him, not had a baby with him.

I was hugely relieved when my own parents divorced. They never argued but we lived under a cloud of bitter resentment at times and after they saw sense and ended up they became good friends and my dad became a better parent.

My OH split from ex when my step dd was 1. When we first met, they had 50% of the week each. This was the case until step dd was 4, when her mum remarried and moved an hour away and step dd started school. Now OH has her EOW, but as he is a teacher, a lot in the holidays. I don't think it's fair to say that makes him a crap father. He can't have her in the week as he can't get her to school (Not can I. Also a teacher and two other children). He phones her and drives over to take her out for tea when he can. They have an amazing relationship. She has two great families and lots of holidays, 2 birthdays, 2 Christmases. Of course she would like her parents still together but she doesn't actually remember that time. She is happy

My parents divorced when I was 5. Very acrimonious (my dad said to me once that he hopes my mum dies of cancer)
My dad gave my mum £10 per month for my dsis and myself.
He then went in to have 2 dcs with my ex step mum. They had so much more than we ever did. Didn't bother me so much growing up, but it really bothered my mum.

I can see how if there's been abuse then of course it's best for the children. Although even then I wonder if it best for the kids to be left alone with such a man without their mum to protect them. I cannot really understand why the courts think ordering unsupervised contact with a violent man could be good for a child.

DH did his best to get the access he could. For a multitude of reasons it has ended up as it has with EOW. I really didn't start this thread to dig through every detail of ancient history. He loves all his kids fiercely but ours get a huge amount out of him. He's very present and engaged in every aspect of the little one's lives. If he'd stayed with his first wife his eldest two would have had all that. He and his ex-wife didn't fight but did resent each other and simply weren't happy. I love my DSC tremendously and have been in their lives from a very young age. I suppose now as they all get older it's quite apparent the older ones have a DH sized hole in their lives.

“a multitude of reasons” is a convenient way to sidestep that he doesn’t give much of himself to them.

That multitude of reasons INCLUDES adding two more children into the mix.

@curlychocs EOW doesn’t automatically make you a crap parent, though I do think it’s far from ideal. 12 weeks is a long time to go without seeing your child - I couldn’t do it. (well, once a year I do when she’s on hols with her dad! But I wouldn’t plan for that every week). He’s only an hour away. That’s a regular daily commute for a lot of people. Why doesn’t he take her out one evening a week, to keep the contact more frequent? I met a lot of divorced fathers when I was OLD. I wasn’t interested in any with an EOW pattern, without good reason. The only one I met with good reason was an army officer based miles away, who had an agreement with his XW that he has the majority of the holidays, whenever he could get leave.

*12 DAYS!

@curlychocs I just re-read and you did say he drives over to take her out for tea

YABU. Thank God my mum divorced my dad. I never witnessed any abuse but my childhood was much better than if they’d stayed together.

No one I’ve ever met has been happy their unhappy parents stayed together for them. Children know. Divorce isn’t something anyone plans when they say their vows or plan their family but the alternative is worse.

I disagree op. Quite often children have a much better life when their parents split up. Living with both parents under the same roof isn’t the be all and end all.

I think children miss out when they have a parent who doesn't prioritise their needs. Regardless f whether they live together or not.

If you are measuring against two parents who fight in front of their children and let their unhappiness permeate every aspect of their lives, then better for the children if the parents separate.

If you are measuring against two parents who have created a happy loving home for their child, then of course this situation is better for the child than having separated parents.

Families come in all different shapes and sizes, but I have yet to meet an adult of separated parents who would not have preferred ittheir parents had had a happy marriage and lived together.

For kids to better off that their parents separated means their life was pretty miserable before the separation. The new situation is still not ideal, but am improvement.

Yes absolutely if they have a decent man as their dad ( and a decent mum too.) If the situation is as you describe his first kids are losing out compared to his kids with you. If they were constantly arguing or if he as abusive then no they are better without him. So it depends.

Not every divorce is because of abuse or addiction so not sure why those are being put up at typical examples.

I don’t know if “lose out” is the right term but children are often deeply affected by divorce in a way that lasts into adulthood. And blended families add complications as well.”Happy parents happy kids” is not true - there are plenty of loved up people whose kids who hate their stepparent for example.

Not saying people shouldn’t move on with their lives if their relationship doesn’t work but they shouldn’t pretend the kids are always happier or better off as a result.

Not in my case.
When I was with my ex, he regarded dc as “women’s work” and probably spent an hour with him per weekend. He didn’t do night-feeds, left before ds was awake, home after he was asleep. He was no kind of father at all.
Then we left. Since then ex has spent 9 hours with dc every Sunday. He’s in my house so he can’t get drunk. They now have a relationship of sorts.
Ds is happy, now only sees the good bits of his dad.

Absolutely not. My parents marriage was a disaster that affected us kids as much as them. Their constant ‘trying to make it work’ over the years brought us nothing but misery and anxiety and was a horrible atmosphere to grow up in. Their getting a divorce was one of the best things that ever happened to my sibling and I!