To think no matter how amicable children lose out in a divorce?

[Geronimo8]

DH and his ex-wife spilt over 10 years ago. We now have two DC together plus his DC EOW. When I see how much our two get from him I can't help but think how little the older two get of him. AIBU to think no matter how amicable that kids really do lose out in a divorce?

Also as many pp have noted, divorce is better than an unhappy home. It was in my case (looking back as an adult) and has been for many other pps. It’s not so simple as to say divorce always affects children negatively, it doesn’t. Unhappy homes and bad parenting do.

@edgeofheaven they are not old enough to fully appreciate the situation but children of that age know if they are happy or sad. I agree that some parents speak for their children and do what’s best for themselves only. But I still think it’s rare that children are better off with unhappy parents together than with happier parents apart. Good parenting is good parenting though- doesn’t matter if they are together or not

I assume that absurd comment was aimed at me?
My ex and I had what I thought was a happy marriage and yes we did do things as a family and were happy. But I realise now that the marriage was very one sided. My partner has bought so much joy into mine and my child's life. She adores him and is very happy meeting his family and all the new friends I have made. I don't think that will change but for now, she is very happy, genuinely so. So please don't say it's absurd as I know my child is happy and definitely more than happy with our new lives.

Glad it's working out for your dd @ellisandra, but tbh it sounds like you're one of the few mothers lucky enough to have an ex on the same page as you.

My ex was abusive towards me in every sense and so every interaction regarding our children raises my blood pressure. In the circumstances, and as he has been aggressive towards the children in the past, I think 50/50 arrangements would absolutely fail to give our dcs the stable home they need.

Sadly lots of mums are in my position. I think it's a 'new norm' that's based around an idealised view of fatherhood and shared parenting that sadly many men are not able or willing to live up to.

If your ex has been fulfilling that nurturing, stability-minded role since your dcs birth it's probably quite hard to imagine things being otherwise.

Everyone loses in a divorce. We’ve been split 7 years and every time my son is with his dad I miss out. When he is with me his dad misses out and the poor kid has to juggle seperate houses being without one or he other parent and separation from half siblings. IMHO divorce is bad for kids and should be undertaken only if staying together does more harm. Unfortunately by the time its being considered it usually is the lesser evil due to arguments and conflict

@RuffleCrow he’s not so much on the same page as lazy and passive. So what I suggested, he fell in line with. When he was single, the same flexibility applied, but he didn’t have her many nights. That changed when he got a girlfriend. It’s probably fairer to say she’s the one on the same page

I don’t find it in the slightest bit hard to imagine things being otherwise. That’s why I said I feel grateful all the time that so far it’s working OK for me. You think I haven’t come across any difficult divorces?! Sadly, I have.

I haven’t anywhere suggested 50/50 is best for everyone, or works for everyone. I wanted to share my feelings that sometimes it does work, because I often see the comments on MN from people about kids being shunted between two homes - when they actually don’t have any experience of it.

Of course they miss out. You never live with both of your parents together ever again. When my parents divorced I remember that near to Christmas I was in a card shop and became overwhelmed with emotion because my right to buy a card that said 'To my wonderful mum and dad at Christmas' had been taken away from me. I would never again be able to buy that joint card.

It doesn't matter whether it is an amicable split, life for those children is never the same. You are aware of the pain both parents feel and start looking out for them in your own way. You grow up quicker than you would otherwise do.

I know it's life but it is sad.

It doesn't have to be sad though.
My DD genuinely really is happy. She has the best of both worlds. Two families and two new step parents who adore her. She gets to meet lots of new people, travel to more places and more people who love her.
Because we share 50/50, I always get to spend 1/1 time with my partner and so we have more flexibility as to what we can do. I never thought last year when I split with my husband that things could be this happy but they really are.

It doesnt have to be sad.

My mum and dad divorced then got back together. My life was easier and happier when they werent together.

I was sad that they were together because they are crap together. I speak to neither of them now.

That's sad. The worst single event in my childhood was them getting back together. My kids hated how their dad spoke to me. My eldest could see it destroying me even though I did my best to pretend it didnt.

She is far happier now. She loves that she can send me a card that just for me. Not wanting to pick a nice card out for me but having to Express the same sentiment to her dad when she didnt want to.

Children lose out when second families are created.

I’d have to disagree. I gained brilliant sibling who I had lots of adventures with and love dearly, as well as loving step parents who I’m still very close to as an adult,

OP... you make very good points and I agree with much of what you and some other pp have said.

Although in some cases, the dad actually spends more time/quality time with his the DC after a split.

I think in some cases the mum doesn't help the situation, the dad doesn't do enough and in some cases the stepparents make things worse through their manipulation for the children.

Even though many ppl only realise this years later, if at all.

There are also cases where the stepmum pushes the dad to see his kids and maintain or develop a better relationship with them.

I think it's absurd to say a 7 year old is happier with their parents having new partners, they are not old enough to fully process what's going on.

The long term outcome might be better but it's very common for parents to speak on their DC's behalf and insist they are pleased with adult choices that have been made without their input.

I fully agree with this.

Parents often want to ease their guilty feelings over relationship breakdowns.

They don't realise that their kids can pretend to be happy with new partners, because they want to please mum or dad...who have got into a new relationship rather soon.

These are the some of the children that are referred to school counselling services
services and the parents don't know what's going on for them.

OP - I strongly disagree.

How would DD be better if I'd stayed with her selfish, lying, manipulative, abusive dad who decided to half drink himself to death before committing suicide?

We split up when she was a baby and as a result she is now a happy and healthy teenager, top of her class at school with an amazing personality. She has great friends, hobbies and talents. She is a stunning person, she knows her own mind, she's sensible, confident, intelligent and fun. She hasn't missed out on anything.

Why are there so many ignorant and judgmental people on Mumsnet these days?

There are some very judgemental/black and white thinkers here.
My dd is very happy, genuinely so. I am sorry if some of you dont like that idea.

Don’t pity his elder kids too much as that could well be your two next while he is the fabulous ever present dad to his next two 😂

I stand by my first post and although it was deleted can see many others share that view too but maybe didn’t call him a shit 😂🙈

It's just a thing people do to feel better about themselves. Look at me, I have a man, therefore I'm a better person, a better parent and my child is better than yours. It's complete BS.

Yeah! My kids would've much better living under the same roof as an alcoholic narcissist with a nasty temper and a hoarding inclination

They do see him bit as they've got older they've got the measure of him too. I've been pretty neutral about him to the kids faces.

My niece told me she was relieved when her mum and dad split up as the atmosphere was awful at home. She is an adult and has a decent relationship with both parents.

@WhatTheFluck no one is saying your DD isn't happy. I'm sure she is, most children are fairly happy!

Declaring that your choices to end your previous relationship and enter into a new one are a complete success based on the current happiness of your 7 year old is silly. She is a child and is unable to comprehend adult realities. Her view on things will change as she grows up and she will have her own thoughts and opinions - they could align with yours, they may well not. She is not old enough right now for you to know what the impact is.

Maybe in some cases, in others they gain, in others it stays the same.

My ex's new wife probably thinks the same kind of thing, from what I gather he's a really doting father to their son.

With our daughters he wasn't. He was absent a lot because he wanted to get out of parenting two little girls, he had little interest in doing that. For them, it's really no different to when we were married, he's not interested until mum forces him to pretend to be for half a day.

I wonder if a better way of looking at this is that poor behaviour from parents with or without divorce is harmful to children. Obviously some parents have to separate and focusing on divorce as a concept in isolation just makes people defensive.

Why is it silly?
My daughter and I are happier than ever and have so much fun with my partner. We haven't had as much fun, ever.
DD still sees her dad 50% of the time and has the best of both worlds. Maybe that will change in the future but she's adjusted so well and the separation has not impacted on her at all.
It doesn't all have to be tears and sadness, its been very positive for us.

I don’t think so. I don’t even see 2 parents, 4 grandparents as the ideal.

EOW isn’t much contact though and it’s down to your dh if he doesn’t make sure his older dc still get as much from him as they would have without the divorce.