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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don't know what to do - school drop offs....

110 replies

cjt110 · 30/09/2019 10:33

I've posted some threads about this in the past and I am still no wiser as to what to do

Previous threads here and here

Long story short my son is an outgoing, boisterous boy. He is disciplined as and when it is required. He can be loud but gets on well with 99% of children.

With the execption of this one boy. He's quiet. Not boisterous. Seems quite sensitive.

I am an anxious wreck after this morning.

DS told F last week to come away from the doors - I had told my son the same that day/day before and so DS was just parrotting what I said.

I told him, off for bossing F about and he would come in his own time.

This morning DS shouted for F to come over to where we (me, friend 1, friend 2(F's mum) and another child) were stood. He shouted F a few seconds after F's mum had shouted him. I again told him not to shout.

I took DS to near the door, with the aim of breaking them up and getting some space. F and his mum also came near the door. Another child was playing with them and F said to me that DS had spat at the other child. I had been watching DS and said to F "DS didn't spit F. He doesn't even know what spitting is" F's mum called F to her and told him off for telling tales and shouldnt make things up.

I didn't hear what was said or happened a few moments later but F's mum called F to her, said she was fed up of it every morning and if it's not one of them it's the other. I think DS had told F to come away from the door again and I said not to shout at F and that he needed to be kind.

Even now, an hour and a half after drop off, I feel sick with anxiety over this.

I am fed up of this same shit each morning. I have to be there when the doors open as I need to shoot off for work. I have to be at the car parking area at 8.20 to get a space because otherwise I am late for work.

I have kept DS in the car later. Have tried to take him to he other side of the playground.

I am trying as much as I can to do my best.

All i can think is to keep them apart/ But they both want to play with the other child. Both play nicely with the other child. F does seem sensitive and will sulk if he doesn't win a race. Or if DS plays with the other child. When DS sees F walk past the car they wave at each other and F begs DS to come out of the car and DS begs to go.

I genuinely do not know what to do anymore. And I feel sick with anxity.

Apart from keeping them apart - which is difficult in a playground with 3 kids that "want" to play together when we all get there - what can I do?

My Mum says to just not let it get to me and to keep them apart but it's the same shit every day and I've had enough.

F's Mum is nice but I am scared of her and her reactions. She has said in the past she doesn't want it to get "violent" and has hinted that my son is a bully.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 30/09/2019 10:39

I read your other thread. It seems like there’s a fair bit of micro managing going on on both your parts. But then, I was dumped in the playground at 5 and left to get on with it until the bell rang. Grin

Do you want to keep the two kids apart or are you more concerned about F’s mum’s reactions?

cjt110 · 30/09/2019 10:40

I am very much of the attitude that if he is doing something wrong, I will tell DS off. But some of it is just kids being kids. And she seems to feel that it's not the case.

If they can play nicely then I'm happy for them to be together but not if F's mum reacts the way she does. It's the second time she has exploded with swearing in the playground in frotn of other parents.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 30/09/2019 10:43

It's the second time she has exploded with swearing in the playground in frotn of other parents.

Is F an only/first born?

I’m not surprised her behaviour puts you on edge. I’d try to keep them apart for now for the next 13 years.

Whattodoabout · 30/09/2019 10:44

I would stay in the car until just before the bell goes then drop your DS off as it rings and shoot back off again.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 30/09/2019 10:46

Oh love, you are so overthinking this.

Let him find his own way with his friends. Ignore bossiness and honestly unless it gets to fisticuffs just ignore them. Either chat with the other parents or pretend to read work emails on your phone. Let the kids be kids. They need to learn the playground rules for themselves.

cjt110 · 30/09/2019 10:47

F is first and only. As is my son.

I have enough issues with anxiety and taming my wildchild without other shit to add in.

Thing is, whilst I know it alleviates the problem, why should I keep my child isolated from others if she is doing nothing about it?

I'm being made to feel my son is at fault - not denying he could be less bossy and whatnot - when a lot is just normal kids behaviour.

I dread each morning because of this. And I don't want to punish my child for child behaviour

OP posts:
cjt110 · 30/09/2019 10:49

*Oh love, you are so overthinking this.

Let him find his own way with his friends. Ignore bossiness and honestly unless it gets to fisticuffs just ignore them. Either chat with the other parents or pretend to read work emails on your phone. Let the kids be kids. They need to learn the playground rules for themselves.* But that's the point. There's parents who would brush it off then there's F's mum who in herself is nice but wow...

I'm concerned enough that I want to go and see his teacher and ask if i can drop him at the office for the next week or something similar...

OP posts:
AmIThough · 30/09/2019 10:50

How old are they?

Why not just keep both boys stood with you and F's mom until they learn to play nicely?

justintimberlakesfishwife · 30/09/2019 10:53

Can I just clarify, is the friend's mum having a go at you for your son's behaviour? Or are you just getting anxious about your son's behaviour with the friend? How do the kids play together away from school, such as on play dates?

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 30/09/2019 10:54

Ah so it’s more about the other mum.

Let her get on with it. If she wants to over parent her son in the playground that’s her look out. If she comes to you about it just say ‘kids eh?’ and carry on chatting. I wouldn’t expect any parents to get involved with kids’ spats on the playground unless it got physical (I’m a playground veteran, 17,16 and 8 yr old dc).

You need to nip this in the bud. The boys aren’t the problem, the parental involvement is. They aren’t toddlers who need to be managed.

cjt110 · 30/09/2019 10:55

Both of the kids have just moved into year 1. They are 5.

She is voicing, loudly, to anyone around that she's fed up of it. That if it's not her son it's mine. I think this is PA.

We don't see them outside of school.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 30/09/2019 10:56

I think the other mum is being ott. Kids can be like this and you're obviously dealing with it. It's not a big deal imo...two very young children with quite different personalities by the sound of it. No need to turn it into a drama.

MrsSpenserGregson · 30/09/2019 11:00

Is there a breakfast club at the school? If you can afford it, maybe book it for a couple of weeks for your son so the playground stuff is avoided for a little while? Then see how the land lies after that...

This situation sounds like it's about the other mum rather than the child, so avoiding her completely might be the way to go!

MadamHattie · 30/09/2019 11:04

Does the school have a breakfast club you could put your son in to? Would save the waiting around for both of you.

Marvinmarvinson · 30/09/2019 11:04

I think you are accidentally feeding into the crazy by micro managing your son. You're affirming her view that there's something really stressful or serious going on when it's just 5 year old being a bit silly. Stay in the car for a fair bit, let your son have 5 minutes with his friends and try to ignore anything that isn't violent or deliberately mean. For example, don't jump in when your ds tells f to move from the door. Wait and see what happens. They would probably work that one out themselves.

TheABC · 30/09/2019 11:04

I agree with breakfast club, especially if it gives you an easier morning and a bit more time to get to work.

My DS has started Year 2. The friendships are mostly shaken out now and the kids just amble in.

FindusCrispyPancakes · 30/09/2019 11:05

You feel sick with anxiety over 5 year olds in the playground? Just sit in your car or use a breakfast club, simple. My husband drops our daughter off at breakfast club 7.30am every morning, works great with us both working, hopefully your school has one too.

cjt110 · 30/09/2019 11:08

We can't afford a breakfast club.

OP posts:
OMGshefoundmeout · 30/09/2019 11:10

I agree with the advice that you park where you need to at the time you need to and then just wait in the car until 2 minutes before the bell goes. This could either be a punishment for DS (you tell him this is what you have to do until he is old enough to behave well in the playground). Or you could make it a nice interlude for you and him, where you chat or read him to him.

And don’t stress too much about this. Your DS and F are together in the classroom and playground all day presumably and nothing awful happens then.

cjt110 · 30/09/2019 11:11

No, they aren't in the same class.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 30/09/2019 11:13

I don't see that 'if it's not one it's the other' is anything more than parental exasperation, rather than aggressive. It's what I used to say when mine were fighting, six of one, half a dozen of another, acknowledging that her son is just as bad as yours. As long as neither boy feels that they are being put upon or bullied (and it sounds as though the boys are fine, it's their mums that are suffering), then let them get on with it. It's hard, but it's a good lesson to learn.

NoSquirrels · 30/09/2019 11:13

Could you have a quiet word with the teacher, and ask for their feedback on the relationship between F and your son? Explain (tactfully! not telling tales) that in the mornings F's mum seems to think that your DS is on the verge of bullying behaviour, but that you don't see that when you watch them and so you would really value it if school could keep an eye out and see if there is something else happening when parents aren't there?

I am with everyone else who says ignore it, because you cannot manage F's mum's reactions - it will happen regardless of what you do if it's going to happen. And, honestly, if she is prone to over-reacting no one will think it's your fault - they'll think it's hers.

But do breakfast club if paying an extra £3 or so a day is worth it for your anxiety levels.

sheshootssheimplores · 30/09/2019 11:13

I assume you don’t want to talk to the mother because you are intimidated? Have I understood correctly that she shouts and swears?

If I’ve got that right I would try and sort it with my son. I would do the treat/sanction tactic. I would explain that I don’t want him to have anything to do with F in the morning. His mother is getting angry, and it needs to stop. I would probably start with a treat. So if your son can stand by your side and not interact with whatsoever with F then after school they’d treat will happen ( chocolate/magazine etc). Then I might make the next day a sanction ie. same rule but if your son interacts at all then x will happen ( I don’t know, he’ll lose something he likes for x time)

I know it’s not ideal, to be fair I’d prefer to just talk to F’s mother, but if you feel too anxious to do that then the only way to deal with it is to control your sons behaviour.

Tensixtysix · 30/09/2019 11:14

The other parent sounds like a fruit loop! They are only 5 FGS!
Wait until they get to year 6! Let the kids work it out for themselves.
That 'F' would be eaten alive in lots of other schools.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/09/2019 11:16

Seriously though how much is breakfast club? Ours is really cheap - it's after school that is the expensive one.