I don't know what to do - school drop offs....

[cjt110]

I've posted some threads about this in the past and I am still no wiser as to what to do

Previous threads here and here

Long story short my son is an outgoing, boisterous boy. He is disciplined as and when it is required. He can be loud but gets on well with 99% of children.

With the execption of this one boy. He's quiet. Not boisterous. Seems quite sensitive.

I am an anxious wreck after this morning.

DS told F last week to come away from the doors - I had told my son the same that day/day before and so DS was just parrotting what I said.

I told him, off for bossing F about and he would come in his own time.

This morning DS shouted for F to come over to where we (me, friend 1, friend 2(F's mum) and another child) were stood. He shouted F a few seconds after F's mum had shouted him. I again told him not to shout.

I took DS to near the door, with the aim of breaking them up and getting some space. F and his mum also came near the door. Another child was playing with them and F said to me that DS had spat at the other child. I had been watching DS and said to F "DS didn't spit F. He doesn't even know what spitting is" F's mum called F to her and told him off for telling tales and shouldnt make things up.

I didn't hear what was said or happened a few moments later but F's mum called F to her, said she was fed up of it every morning and if it's not one of them it's the other. I think DS had told F to come away from the door again and I said not to shout at F and that he needed to be kind.

Even now, an hour and a half after drop off, I feel sick with anxiety over this.

I am fed up of this same shit each morning. I have to be there when the doors open as I need to shoot off for work. I have to be at the car parking area at 8.20 to get a space because otherwise I am late for work.

I have kept DS in the car later. Have tried to take him to he other side of the playground.

I am trying as much as I can to do my best.

All i can think is to keep them apart/ But they both want to play with the other child. Both play nicely with the other child. F does seem sensitive and will sulk if he doesn't win a race. Or if DS plays with the other child. When DS sees F walk past the car they wave at each other and F begs DS to come out of the car and DS begs to go.

I genuinely do not know what to do anymore. And I feel sick with anxity.

Apart from keeping them apart - which is difficult in a playground with 3 kids that "want" to play together when we all get there - what can I do?

My Mum says to just not let it get to me and to keep them apart but it's the same shit every day and I've had enough.

F's Mum is nice but I am scared of her and her reactions. She has said in the past she doesn't want it to get "violent" and has hinted that my son is a bully.

She sounds like a drama queen and is setting your ds up as the one causing issues imo, which is why you’re scared of her reaction. There is something about her, which is making you acquiesce even you know she’s a big part of the problem because she’s not putting boundaries up with her ds or disciplining him. You’re getting the message any minute now she’s going to say “here we go again, ffs”.

Yes, your ds is being a handful too. But that’s just little kids. I read your other threads and the thing about the orange. At a certain stage children at this age will suddenly disintegrate when they’re either over tired or over exhausted. Your ds didn’t need punishing. He needed a big hug and help with processing his feelings. Remember. All of this will pass and one day your ds will be a well balanced adult.

From now on, use silence toward her. Or as few words as possible. It is very powerful. Don’t explain or excuse. If you think your ds has done something wrong, you can manage it. Try as much as possible to let your ds and F to sort out the playground rules. Reinforce to him that he needs to be fair. Maybe even get him a watch and say he has to come off when it dings for example. Perhaps make it into a game so he can see how many of x he can do before it does. He may even be able to get F involved.

I know this is hard. Dd has a friend, with whom she was wildly competitive at this age and play dates were exhausting because as soon as one wanted a certain toy so did the other. If it had just been one thing I could have confiscated it. But it was every toy.

F's mum and I have been friends since the boys started school last year - they were in the same class last year.

I've said to DS in the past to stay away and if F gets upset to go and play with someone else. To which DS of course bloody said "My Mum said..." and parrotted it all.

She has said to me, in reply to a message i sent saying i didnt know what to do that she agrees they should just stay apart. That she was embarrassed to lose her temper like she did this AM.

I've said i don't know how best to keep them apart as we arrive at the same time. That I tried to keep my son in the car this Am but as soon as he saw F, he wanted to go and play....

I’ve just re read it. And just realising she’s speaking to anyone, who will listen. Is this in the playground? She really is that mother. Talk to the school. She’s intimidating you. Perhaps they can help. You should be able to feel safe on the school premises.

And breakfast club is £6 a day.

Cross post. Why should you keep your ds in the car? She can also arrive at the last minute too.

She has agreed that we need to keep them apart and I've acknowledged that it's making me both fed up and anxious as I am sure it is her too.

@Mummyoflittledragon Yes, she is exasperated and says it aloud to the world if you like. I felt like i wanted the ground to swallow me up as other parents looked at me.

I could cry. Having such a shit time atm

@Mummyoflittledragon Neither of us should have to.... but something has to give.

You both sound ott to be honest they are five year olds along as they arent wrestling each other on the ground I dont see the issue 🤷‍♀️

So you have admitted your son is boisterous, loud and bossy. I get really annoyed at the "boisterous boys and boys will be boys" attitudes at our school. If he can't play nicely, stop bossing other children around and listening to you asking him to stay away from "F" then he will have to stand right next to you holding your hand the whole time in the playground until he can behave.
Think you are making mountains out of molehills on this though.

Yes, something has to give. But it shouldn’t be you and your ds all the time. Your friend is making you and your son scapegoats. Speak to the school. Tell the teacher what is going on. Let them or someone else observe and give some honest feedback.

@ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 I am of the same opinion but because F reacts and gets upset, I feel I have to do or say something.

@raspberryk Well, he is lively... not naughty. Yes, he has his moments and I try to control when he isn't behaving as I would like. I do not believe boys will be boys but I also disagree with my son being told off because another child is unduly sensitive. Last term/year F burst into tears because my son LOOKED at him. And F had a paddy because he didn't win a race all the children who were in the playground were running about doing.

I've rung and asked for the teacher to call me.

I'm sure she will think I'm bloody neurotic. I am going to ask if I can see her after school today.

I am of the same opinion but because F reacts and gets upset, I feel I have to do or say som.
Once again. Your friend is bullying you. And speaking about you to all who will listen. Time to find some other friends. Were you the quiet one, who tried to get people to stay friends with you? You’re reverting to the playground mentality. She is acting like the bully she perhaps once was. It’s a well known dynamic that parents act like they did as children when they find themselves in the playground once again. You need to stand firm. She is not your friend tbh. And you’re not being a good friend to yourself or the best mum you could be to your ds by taking all the blame and responsibility.

Y'all need to stop micro managing those poor kids. How will they ever learn to figure things out for themselves ?

Good. Speak to the teacher. Ask the teacher to get your ds if he can do a drawing activity or similar while you do it. She can get your ds involved in the conversation if she feels it’s necessary.

I didn't hear what was said or happened a few moments later but F's mum called F to her, said she was fed up of it every morning and if it's not one of them it's the other. I think DS had told F to come away from the door again and I said not to shout at F and that he needed to be kind.

Even now, an hour and a half after drop off, I feel sick with anxiety over this.

I don't get the problem really? From what the other mum has said it seems like she recognises that her son is equally part of the issue and is just fed up with going through it every day, just the same as you.

I guess if it's really making you feel that bad then could you just send her a text and say you've had enough of the morning dramas between the two of them and you're going to make sure you keep DS separate from her son in the mornings from now on?

Just because your ds wants to get out of the car didn't mean you have to let him. It doesn't have to be a punishment - just a not yet.

I know it seems so little and petty but I can't deal with this every morning.

I wasn't the quiet one but always one to try and get people to like me. I was never the favourite. Never the one people went to. Always the last really.

Rubbinghim
Much as I agree with you, it sounds that the mother is getting awfully close to bullying ops ds so it is appropriate to speak to the teacher. Op can only manage her behaviour.

I really don't understand why you're so worried about what this mum said. She was basically saying that both of your kids are as bad as each other, which it sounds like they are, just in different (though neither sound terrible). Don't take it to heart and, apart from perhaps lightening up a bit, just continue as normal is my advice.

Just seen your previous post that she's already agreed you should keep them apart but that they want to play together.

Surely if they want to play together then that's up to them? She should be telling her son that if your DS upsets him he can go and play with other people.

I can to tally get that i should keep my DS apart from hers. It manages the situation and hopefully avoids conflict as the boys clearly just don't get on. But in another mind - why should my son be kept from his friends whom he only sees before school and at breaktime.

The first thing this AM from F and his Mum.... DS ran to a climbing wall. F says "Mummy "DS" ran away from me" I replied no he didn't F - he ran to the climbing wall. DS hadn't even seen F behind him as we had called into the office and he ran straight to the climbing wall.

@cjt110 don't respond to her child. Let her deal with it. You don't need to parent him.

@Aprillygirl I have and most often do just let my DS be. It seems that whilst F is sensitive DS isn't and so just plays and F gets upset or offended. Most I brush off but the mention of DS spitting at someone - I will not have my child accused of that, or pulling faces etc.

@AmIThough Cross post.. Most things I will let slide but I won't have my son accused of spitting, running away or pulling faces when he did nothing of the sort.