I don't know what to do - school drop offs....

[cjt110]

I've posted some threads about this in the past and I am still no wiser as to what to do

Previous threads here and here

Long story short my son is an outgoing, boisterous boy. He is disciplined as and when it is required. He can be loud but gets on well with 99% of children.

With the execption of this one boy. He's quiet. Not boisterous. Seems quite sensitive.

I am an anxious wreck after this morning.

DS told F last week to come away from the doors - I had told my son the same that day/day before and so DS was just parrotting what I said.

I told him, off for bossing F about and he would come in his own time.

This morning DS shouted for F to come over to where we (me, friend 1, friend 2(F's mum) and another child) were stood. He shouted F a few seconds after F's mum had shouted him. I again told him not to shout.

I took DS to near the door, with the aim of breaking them up and getting some space. F and his mum also came near the door. Another child was playing with them and F said to me that DS had spat at the other child. I had been watching DS and said to F "DS didn't spit F. He doesn't even know what spitting is" F's mum called F to her and told him off for telling tales and shouldnt make things up.

I didn't hear what was said or happened a few moments later but F's mum called F to her, said she was fed up of it every morning and if it's not one of them it's the other. I think DS had told F to come away from the door again and I said not to shout at F and that he needed to be kind.

Even now, an hour and a half after drop off, I feel sick with anxiety over this.

I am fed up of this same shit each morning. I have to be there when the doors open as I need to shoot off for work. I have to be at the car parking area at 8.20 to get a space because otherwise I am late for work.

I have kept DS in the car later. Have tried to take him to he other side of the playground.

I am trying as much as I can to do my best.

All i can think is to keep them apart/ But they both want to play with the other child. Both play nicely with the other child. F does seem sensitive and will sulk if he doesn't win a race. Or if DS plays with the other child. When DS sees F walk past the car they wave at each other and F begs DS to come out of the car and DS begs to go.

I genuinely do not know what to do anymore. And I feel sick with anxity.

Apart from keeping them apart - which is difficult in a playground with 3 kids that "want" to play together when we all get there - what can I do?

My Mum says to just not let it get to me and to keep them apart but it's the same shit every day and I've had enough.

F's Mum is nice but I am scared of her and her reactions. She has said in the past she doesn't want it to get "violent" and has hinted that my son is a bully.

5-10 minutes before school starts you park up, 2-3 minutes before school you walk into the play ground holding your ds's hand, you stand together for 2 minutes then he goes into school. Polite 'good morning' to other parents but you don't need to chat for ages. I think you're making this much harder work than it needs to be op, your ds and 'F' aren't playing nicely together so no playing about before school, it's only a couple of minutes after all.

Just wait in the car an extra 5 minutes! Don't make such a drama over nothing.

Your son isn't being 'punished' by not playing with his friends so 5 minutes before school, they have the whole day together.

Wait til the doors open and send your son straight in and stop faffing about nothing.

Also, don't say things like this: "DS didn't spit F. He doesn't even know what spitting is"
I'd be rolling my eyes so hard You don't counter children telling tales with obvious lies.

can I just say to all of you who are sayign let them sort it out themselves, that is fine if the other parent feels the same way, and not fine when the other parent insists on dealing with every little squeak.

OP is fine with letting them play. Other parent isn't so she is being forced into doing something.

Don't hang about in your car if you don't want to. Personally I think you're overthinking this. If F's mum is so stressed by this then she can arrive later.

Carry on disciplining/advising when necessary. Otherwise chill. They are little and learning that they don't all have the same personality and think/act the same way.

I honestly can't believe there has been 3 threads and a year of angst about this because the OP is too stubborn to drop off a few minutes later in the morning

I don't get this desperate need to arrive 10 minutes early and play I arrive at 8.50, kids go straight into class, job done. They play at school.

I don't agree with pps, your son is a normal 5 year old and I don't see why you're being advised to deprive him of time to play and get out some excited energy before school starts. My ds is a sensitive one so I've been in sweary mums shoes and he has friends who are almost feral in comparison, but this is the time theyll be learning how to interact and behave and you'll him no favours taking them out of situations.

Go in as normal, stop policing your frenemies child, simply move away from the situation and ignore. If they move to you, move away as though youre distracted by ds. If your ds is name calling, hitting, deserving a telling, then by all means tell him off but you're policing everything just now and not letting ds figure things out on his own. Re the bossing his friend, if it were my ds I'd tickle him whilst saying are you his mum now and discretely move him away from the situation to interact playfully with me. With the sharing thing I wouldn't expect ds to move off straight away, he was there first? I'd simply say remember to take turns and let them work it out themselves. Don't interact with the other boy unless he comes to you, then a simple 'ok sweetie' whilst engrossed in your email should give him the hint you're not getting involved.

You and sweary mum have made this into a massive deal when it's really not. And seriously, who swears in a playground I'd be more embarrassed for her.

Could you not park just outside the school and walk the last bit together (having a crafty sweet and a chat😇) so that you use up those spare minutes that are causing you so much upset? Obviously not on wet mornings, but it would help break this toxic cycle.
My son is much older now but Oh how I remember the Alpha Mum who was always louder/bossier/ pushier than everyone else and claimed to have the ear of the class teacher as regards who’s child was ‘in’ or ‘out’ by her standards!
The children moved on up the school and her power dwindled away, grit your teeth, it doesn’t last forever! X

I don't see why you're being advised to deprive him of time to play
Maybe because it's totally unnecessary, disproportionately stressing the OP, and arriving a few minutes later will completely solve this issue?

Yup leave your house later if you don't want to be sat in the car with your ds then drop straight in.

They are 5!!
How do they behave in school? that is a hell of a lot more important than then playing outside for 5 minutes pre bell.

And yes you need to reinforce to your ds that bossiness has to stop and it is not his job to tell F what to do, if he cant stop then he stands by you until the bell.

I think the biggest issue here is your anxiety and your reactions which seem way OTT. I really don’t see the problem with your son telling another child to come away from the doors or really any of the other things he’s done - he’s hardly being aggressive. If someone did to my son what your son is doing I’m not sure I’d think anything of it.

Maybe because it's totally unnecessary, disproportionately stressing the OP, and arriving a few minutes later will completely solve this issue?

Yeah I guess, let's show the kids how we run away from perceived conflict normal playground behaviour rather than see it for what it is. A bit of learned anxiety never hurt anyone

In the nicest possible way put your foot down with your ds, go in, he stands by you and holds your hand until he can learn to be nice. Likewise other mum does the same, but we only have your side of the story here.
‘He doesn’t know what spitting is’ come on OP pull the other one. You admit he’s ‘lively’, he’s what every parent I know with a ‘lively child’ calls them, when they actually have a little disobedient child on their hands.

Why did you ring the teacher OP? I don't see this as the teachers problem. If the situation is causing you so much stress , I would agree with the pp who have suggested just arrive later in time for DS to go straight in to class.

This is nuts, they're five. You two need to have a natter together if you're friends and let the boys play and sort themselves out unless they come to you for help. Remind you son of expected behaviour beforehand and if they're squabbling just bring him back to where you are chatting without making a big deal out of it... It must be exhausting for both of you to get so worked up about such a tiny incident!

If you're this anxious now, OP - how on earth do you think you're going to cope with a "boisterous", "lively" teenager on your hands?!

They're 5. They're not friends - you've admitted so yourself, when you've said they peel away into separate friendship groups. They're not in the same class anymore (were they separated because the school/teaching staff couldn't cope with the pair of them together any longer, I wonder...?). Avoid A/F's mother (who is probably where her son gets it from in the first place... he's no more "sensitive" than the next 5 year old!), avoid A/F himself. Read to your child in the car, if needs be. Contemplate the possibility that maybe your son is picking up on your anxiety, subconsciously recognising it as a weakness, and is running with as much as he perceives he can get away with it... He is a child: you are his parent. You don't "ask" him to behave - you tell him to behave. You don't immediately leap to his defence (and, in fairness, neither should the other kid's mother leap to his), you accept that there are two sides to every story - your son's side, A/F's side, and the truth. Let them figure it out themselves. They're 5 for crying out loud. Let them be kids on a playground. Either they play together... or they don't (and "don't" would, actually, be the best suggestion!). Stop making excuses, stop stressing, start parenting. Because, seriously: it just gets tougher from this age onwards (no one really tells you that, until you're mired in the depths of raising offspring that you'll crave the relative peace of the first year once it's gone...)

And please, for your son and his teachers, stop being "that" mother!

It always make me laugh when parents of 'lively' 'boisterous' 'outgoing' or my personal favourite 'spirited' boys call others 'sensitive' because they're not like their PFB's.
Honestly OP, you are over thinking it but your DS really does sound quite bossy. It's not down to him to be telling the other child what to do.
Can't you just hold his hand and make him stand next to you?

Without wishing to sound patronising, in a few years time you will wonder what the worry was for - and I say that as an anxiety sufferer . Honestly , wait in the car until the last minute for a few weeks . Do some reading or let you son have a look on your phone . Then go in a couple of minutes before . As for the other mum , she is looking like an idiot and I guarantee other parents would have thought the same .

Urgh. I can't be;lieve I have such a tendancy to make a twat of myself on here. I just get tangled up in my anxiety and don't see it clearly.

I have no issue whatsoever with my don playing, or sorting it out himself. But when he is playing normally and everything is telling tales DS did this, that or whatever and results in F's mum behaving the way she did, twice, it gets me on edge.

@WhimToo Thank you.