I don't know what to do - school drop offs....

[cjt110]

I've posted some threads about this in the past and I am still no wiser as to what to do

Previous threads here and here

Long story short my son is an outgoing, boisterous boy. He is disciplined as and when it is required. He can be loud but gets on well with 99% of children.

With the execption of this one boy. He's quiet. Not boisterous. Seems quite sensitive.

I am an anxious wreck after this morning.

DS told F last week to come away from the doors - I had told my son the same that day/day before and so DS was just parrotting what I said.

I told him, off for bossing F about and he would come in his own time.

This morning DS shouted for F to come over to where we (me, friend 1, friend 2(F's mum) and another child) were stood. He shouted F a few seconds after F's mum had shouted him. I again told him not to shout.

I took DS to near the door, with the aim of breaking them up and getting some space. F and his mum also came near the door. Another child was playing with them and F said to me that DS had spat at the other child. I had been watching DS and said to F "DS didn't spit F. He doesn't even know what spitting is" F's mum called F to her and told him off for telling tales and shouldnt make things up.

I didn't hear what was said or happened a few moments later but F's mum called F to her, said she was fed up of it every morning and if it's not one of them it's the other. I think DS had told F to come away from the door again and I said not to shout at F and that he needed to be kind.

Even now, an hour and a half after drop off, I feel sick with anxiety over this.

I am fed up of this same shit each morning. I have to be there when the doors open as I need to shoot off for work. I have to be at the car parking area at 8.20 to get a space because otherwise I am late for work.

I have kept DS in the car later. Have tried to take him to he other side of the playground.

I am trying as much as I can to do my best.

All i can think is to keep them apart/ But they both want to play with the other child. Both play nicely with the other child. F does seem sensitive and will sulk if he doesn't win a race. Or if DS plays with the other child. When DS sees F walk past the car they wave at each other and F begs DS to come out of the car and DS begs to go.

I genuinely do not know what to do anymore. And I feel sick with anxity.

Apart from keeping them apart - which is difficult in a playground with 3 kids that "want" to play together when we all get there - what can I do?

My Mum says to just not let it get to me and to keep them apart but it's the same shit every day and I've had enough.

F's Mum is nice but I am scared of her and her reactions. She has said in the past she doesn't want it to get "violent" and has hinted that my son is a bully.

Find a sanction that works screen time or snacks after school or what ever works
Then be clear what you want to stop,
Have behaviour / sticker chart in car to. remind him
Defo keep him in car longer if it’s causing this much stress

Sounds stupid but even keeping him in the car causes me stress because he mithers to get out because he wants to play.

Get there later. Walk in as the bell goes then no more messing around. If you want to continue getting there on time then stop managing the situation. Let them play. Stand further away. If the other mum tells you something trivial your child allegedly did. Just say I didn't see that, will have a word, and dont. Unless of course he is beating the shit out of him.

I personally would be telling my DS that I would be holding his hand firmly for the next few days, from the moment we got out of the car to the moment he steps into the school. In terms of not playing with the other neutral child, I don't think not running around with him for a few minutes before the school doors open is going to spoil their friendship or anything. I think that regardless of F and F's mum, your DS needs to learn that he stays close to you until he doesn't fall out with F including calling him back when it's not his (DS's) place to etc. It's all minor stuff and he is only 5, but I sense your anxiety over what will may or many not occur every morning, but the only DC you have a chance at controlling is your own and so you need to focus just on that.

I hear you when you say this is upsetting & uncomfortable. I'm fairly shy and found meeting new people in the early part of school hard and the many boundaries that go between parents at that age sometimes hard to manage. What now works for me many years later is a big, cheery, right-in-the eye good morning with a big smile to those who would have rattled me. Followed by stepping right out of ear shot. Sounds like F has stumbled upon a way of getting attention from both of you and I would you zone out from them. I would not rise to the allegations, you know it wasn't true & unless your son is getting in trouble then I would just try to take the power away from it by not responding. If F's mum is getting upset then that is her issue, I would just back away & leave them to their weird dynamic. It sounds like the kids need less attention on their relationship, it will be changing like the weather anyway.

I agree, stay the fuck away from F's mother in the mornings. The pair of you are only exacerbating each other's anxiety by giving the boys attention for what are petty incidents. They should be told to run along and play before class starts, not have both of you giving out and getting worked up. F needs to encourage her son to play with others and not be relying on your Ds. You need to teach your son that the only people who give instruction to F and the other kids are parents and teachers.

The first thing this AM from F and his Mum.... DS ran to a climbing wall. F says "Mummy "DS" ran away from me" I replied no he didn't F - he ran to the climbing wall. DS hadn't even seen F behind him as we had called into the office and he ran straight to the climbing wall.

But stuff like that...does it even matter? Your DS hasn't done anything wrong and who cares if F thinks/says that he ran away from him? By the sounds of it F's mum would probably prefer if they ran away from each other!

I honestly think you should just leave it, as long as your DS isn't behaving poorly - which he isn't and you have pulled him up every time you've seen him do something wrong - you've got nothing to stress about. It's not your problem that F is a bit of a wimp.

Plus you can keep them away from each other in the 10 mins before school starts but they can still be together every break time if they want so it won't do any good anyway.

Never heard anything so silly regarding children in the playground,and over the top Mothers. I thought you were talking about prison inmates in a compound at first.

However much she sounds like a fruit loop and a drama queen, your DS shouldn't be shouting at hers to come away from the doors, or to do anything else. You're telling him off, but are there any other sanctions as that alone doesn't seem to be working. Does he shout at other children, or just this one where because the other boy is quiet he has a sense of power to some degree?

I think the other mother is being fair to recognise that it's six of one and half a dozen of the other, she just has a different way of dealing with it. You go into your shell and she gets all het up and tells others how she feels.

As you and her seem to be friends, despite this major problem in the friendship, and as she has apologised for this morning, I suggest you talk to her and between you come up with a joint approach, rather than both of you trying to deal with it in your own way. If you're working together there should be no misunderstandings, and you'll both realise that you, both of you, ARE trying to make things work between your sons.

WTF? They are 5 years old. This is normal 5 year old stuff. A storm in a teacup by the sounds of it.

I am going to park further away, walk through the park en route to school and then arrive at work 10 mins later.

dd2 has just left primary and we have had this nonsense with another parent for 4 years, it was no frustrating. Girls happy to play bit frequent squabbles. In my opinion (and school's) it was 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. In other mum's opinion her precisou dd was the target of bullying. Her dd also lied on numerous occasions to get dd into trouble. (not going into details but all proven and subsatntiated by school) But my dd wasn't an innocent victim, it really was both of them.

I would say you need to talk ot ds. Tell him that he is not allowed to play or go near F. if F has playground equipement he has to wait until he has finished, no interaction with F at all. I woudl say the same to F if he comes over. Sorry F, ds isn't allowed to play with you, as you don't play nicley together.
If ds won't leave F alone, then he stands next to you holding your hand. If F and mother come close, walk to another part of playground.
if F's mother asks, tell her they don't play nicely and I'm fed up, so I'm keeping them separate.

Nip it in the bud. ds will get used to leaving F alone, and it will pass

@LittleDancers has it.
Hold his hand and do not let go.
Tell him in advance this is going to happen. Use a reward after school to make him comply if you have to.
You’ve had 3 threads about this issue and it still isn’t resolved. You’ve tried other tactics. All of the suggestions re. Breakfast club, keeping him in the car, waiting until the last possible moment to get through the gates, don’t seem to be viable for you.
My DD is 4 and would absolutely love to run around like a loon before school. I can’t have her doing that because I have a younger child who I have to watch so I time it so we get to the school as soon as the door open. If I’m early I loiter round the corner.
You say you can’t tolerate accusations of spitting etc. If your child is stood right next to you and away from F no one can make these accusations.
I totally understand you saying, why should your child miss out because F is over sensitive etc BUT you want an end to this? Then you hold your child’s hand and avoid all contact with F. Otherwise this is going to drag on and on.
For me the hand holding and “missing out” on the excitement before school would be worth avoiding anymore of this nonsense.

We had a situation with a child where mine is always in the wrong. He could get punched in the face by that child and it would be ds’s fault for putting his face in the way of the other kids fist.

In short, I don’t engage with them now, at all, ever. Job done. I think you need to avoid avoid avoid.

I would just keep your DS in the car until a minute before the bell, and then drop him straight to door.

If F goes past, and he wants to go out and play, just say 'No - we're staying in the car till 8.39' (or whatever time) - give him distractions, do a reading book or let him play on your phone for a couple of minutes.

There is just no good to come from getting so worked up about this - you seem very stressed and over-invested in your ds's interactions with F. Sometimes it's better to just stand back, and not micro-manage them/tell him off for being 'bossy' or whatever. They're 5 - as long as they're not whacking each other, just let them sort it out! Presumably that's what they do in school break times when you're not there. Stand well away from F's mum.

I've been through the playground dramas with 3 dc - I know what they're like - but I can tell you that these are phases - it won't last forever.

What's the problem, ffs let them be.
Why are you micromanaging and hovering?
Drop and go at the appropriate times, it's not rocket science.
if it doesn't tie in with work, use a breakfast club.

Just ignore. Speak to your son and tell him not to be so bossy but other than that ignore. She sounds super stressed (who swears in the playground ffs) and you are just going to end up in a scene.

I think that finding out if there are any issues at school is a good idea. If there aren't then try not to worry. Kids spend a few years sorting out their friendship group. I honestly think the best thing to do is for both of you decide to back off and see what happens.

The fact the other child is sensitive means that if they are going to play together your child needs to learn (not to have already learned - he is only 5 after all) how to recognise when he is upsetting someone and respond accordingly. All through our lives we will encounter people who are more sensitive so it's not a bad thing for him to learn how to adjust for that now.

Does the school have a breakfast club you could send your some to? You could leave for work earlier, avoid the other mum and not spend every morning policing your sons interactions with the other boy.

If your son continues to boss F around after you have repeatedly told him not to then you have a discipline problem.

F is his mother's responsibility.

They don't need separating. Your son needs to learn to do as he is told.

I've been in a similar situation.... I spoke to the teacher to find out their view on how my DC was behaving in the classroom and with our particular "friend". I then made my DC stand next to me in the morning and after school. DC is not allowed to play in the playground with anyone anymore. Our "F" is now annoying/telling tales on someone else.

Also, whilst waiting in the car, my DCs like looking through my photo roll on my phone at past pictures and videos (rather than playing a game/watching a cartoon). They also like being allowed to take photos of things, doing close ups, putting different colour ways on the pictures etc. It's a good alternative to any games/shows/internet etc on the phone which can wind them up rather than distract them.

Just to add, the teacher was positive about my DC, which confirmed to me, I had to manage the playground tale telling and complaints to avoid a stressful before and after school situation.

The other kid sounds very annoying and the mother isn't helping matters. Keep him in the car and so his reading or spelling work with him in that time instead of at home. Sell it to him as more time at home to do whatever he wants and explain that it also he and he and F wont be squabbling over nothing and getting the day off to a bad start.

Sounds like you both need to stand well back and leave them alone? Kids are bossy.. it happens.
Unless they are smacking each other or shouting and screaming I don’t understand the constant management of their behaviour?!
How do you think they cope at breaktime?

You need to calm down, worry less about Fs mum and realise this is all normal behaviour ..you both sound a bit over the top to put it lightly!!