Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should OW expect to be welcomed into family?

476 replies

Nattyjackie · 29/09/2019 11:53

Scenario: woman has long term affair with man with kids. Wider family (mother, siblings) find out. Marriage breaks down and man moves on with OW. Long term should the OW expect to be welcomed and accepted by family?

Please put aside Man's role in this for the moment which is of course the instigator of all this. I'm really interested in what the OWs expectations should be towards wider family.

OP posts:
Winterlife · 30/09/2019 08:28

I would be civil but that’s it. No relationship, and as little contact as possible. People who cheat (both parties) show you who they are. It’s not the character of someone I want in my life.

MrsDimmond · 30/09/2019 08:34

DDIJ it sounds like you feel very hurt by your dc. I'm guessing that you feel that your ex has alienated them from you despite them still being in your care? I hope that you have RL support and there is a way to rebuild your relationship with your dc.

But that is a very different situation from posters saying they would boycott an important event that the dc activity want them at.

Idontwanttotalk · 30/09/2019 08:52

I found great difficulty in accepting the OM my mum married after an affair. My parents split after 29 years of marriage and DM went off with OM who she'd fancied at school when she knew him. (Prior to this she had an affair with another man for 4.5 years).

When she married OM I did not go to their wedding and neither did one of my brothers.I did love and like mum's husband and was very upset when he died. However, I do think my DM's behaviour was appalling (even worse than his as he was divorced) and it was one of the worst times of my life.

To see a parent heartbroken by the other having an affair broke my heart too. If it were a sibling I would be very disappointed by their behaviour but I would find it easier to accept they made a mistake.

DDIJ · 30/09/2019 09:04

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Totaldogsbody · 30/09/2019 09:18

I think it depends on the relationship you have with BiL or SiL if you are close then accepting someone else especially when there's children involved would be exceptionally difficult, but if you are not close it would be easier to accept. Parents on the other hand, double standards I know but not a chance in hell.

BarbariansMum · 30/09/2019 09:24

If either of my sons had an affair I would be gutted but ultimately, if the other woman was their choice of partner, I would accept her into the family as I wouldnt disown them. Exactly how it would work would depend how contact w ex DiL and gc (if any) worked and their wishes.

dontcallmeduck · 30/09/2019 09:24

Thankfully not had this in my family. Not sure how I’d feel.

My friends Dad had an affair 25 years ago, he’s still with OW and it makes their lives very awkward. Friend would be open to more of a relationship with OW but her Mum is still so upset by it that there’s a lot of emotional blackmail about it. My lesson learnt from watching her struggle with it is the person should leave their partner rather than be a coward and having an affair. And the other person in the affair should have more self respect.

Bibidy · 30/09/2019 09:47

Yes I think so, if you want to maintain a decent relationship with your family member.

Really it's not anyone else's business and it is your relative's decisions who they want to be with. Plus no one knows what goes on behind closed doors and what led to the breakdown in the original relationship. There will be a lot the wider family is unaware of.

mclover · 30/09/2019 09:48

If you meet someone and they have a wife and kids, the right thing to do is to say 'I like you but I can't see you because you have a wife and kids. You need to sort your life out. Once you have then give me a call.' We all know this. Sisters before misters! If you can't /don't, then yes, you're gonna face a lifetime of judgment from other women because you didn't respect the importance of sisterhood and, when the chips are down, are unlikely to be able to put others before yourself. Societies for thousands of years work on the basis of abiding moral codes and doing things for the greater good.

Bibidy · 30/09/2019 09:53

I know you've said 'put away the man's role' OP, but tbh I can't see how you can.

I think if you're not going to welcome the 'OW' then the only acceptable reason is that you're also cutting contact with her partner. I think it's totally out of line to ostracise the new girlfriend and yet still want a good relationship with her partner when he's the one who's cause the pain to your family.

Either welcome both, or welcome neither.

MouthyHarpy · 30/09/2019 10:07

Speaking as an adult whoas a teenager had something a bit like this situation forced on me (my father’s affair), I have nothing to do with the OW.There were several actually. And not much to do with my father, subsequently.

My father made his views about his commitment to his family pretty clear through his actions. I’ve responded accordingly.

The OW is nothing to me or my extended family.

mandi73 · 30/09/2019 10:43

I think I would struggle to accept OM/OW for the simple fact as I wouldn't trust them, they will have deceived and lied to others order to be in a relationship. I would feel the same to whatever member of my family they cheated with.
I could be civil but they would not be my family, I can accept marriages/relationships end but if you know you're starting to fall for someone else get out of your relationship. Take responsibility for your feelings and actions and how your actions affect others involved.
A friend's husband had an affair, ended their marriage, they'd been unhappy and struggling for a few years........unfortunately no one told my friend how bad her marriage was, SHE was happily married, going on date nights, receiving love notes and small tokens from her husband for all 11yrs of her marriage yet off he went into the sunset with her inlaws telling her he deserved to be happy WTF?????
If you don't like your relationship LEAVE.............. then find your true love

Whattodoabout · 30/09/2019 10:46

Personally, I don’t think I would be able to accept the OW/M. My DH has struggled greatly to accept MIL’s partner who not only was the OM but was FIL’s best friend Shock. My DH didn’t speak to either his Mum or the OM for years, he’s only recently started bothering with her again.

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/09/2019 10:49

No. I would never accept OW. She would never be welcome.

The man is an adult but his choices have far reaching consequences on his children and ex wife. Potentially relegating them to a much lower standard of living and in some cases I've seen abject poverty. Emotional distress from a divorce cannot be underestimated either.

My duty would be to the children of the family as they are the innocents.

holidays987 · 30/09/2019 10:53

No. I wouldn't want to socialise with someone who had contributed to ruining a marriage where kids are involved. I wouldn't be able to be happy for them in their relationship and I'd be very very upset with the cheating family member. If I was able to continue a friendly relationship with the cheating family member that's one thing, but I wouldn't give two hoots about his OW.

MrsDimmond · 30/09/2019 10:57

My duty would be to the children of the family as they are the innocents.

What does that actually mean Willyoujustbequiet ? Would you advise them to cut their father out of their lives? Would you stop inviting their father to family occasions?

The impact of divorce / separation is indeed enormous. But the impact on a child of losing a relationdhip with one of their parents could makes it even worse

Rainbunny · 30/09/2019 11:12

If the cheating man were my father then no way in hell would I ever tolerate the OW (fortunately not something I ever have to worry about).

If it involved another family member I suppose I'd tolerate the OW but wouldn't want much to do with her tbh. I'm sure this could change over the passing of time. Much would depend on the extent of the hurt suffered by the wife and how she copes and gets past the betrayal.

Honeyroar · 30/09/2019 11:38

I can understand it for a few years, but when you're prepared to ruin your child's wedding or graduation etc by refusing to have any contact with the ex/ow then you have gone too far. At some point you really ought to be able to button your lip and be in the same room (don't have to chat or laugh together, just not fight!) for the sake of your children.

NorthOfTheWatfordGap · 30/09/2019 11:48

I was the OW and DP was the OM. We are accepted by both families as they know how unhappy we both were in our previous marriages.

Life is too short for grudges plus there are always 3 sides to every story - his side, her side and the truth.

Bartlet · 30/09/2019 11:57

someone who would be so self-centred, judgemental and petty as to avoid their own child’s wedding so as not to spend time with their ex partner is the kind of person who’s bitterness ruins their and their children’s lives. I pity anyone who is lacking the insight to see that.

AmIThough · 30/09/2019 12:06

I think it depends on who it was who had the affair (as in my parents, siblings etc), circumstances etc.

I have a brother who I would fall out with massively if he had an affair, and a sister who I would support wholeheartedly, because his DP is fantastic and hers is, well, not.

I wouldn't support the fact she had an affair but would welcome OM into the family.

Divebar · 30/09/2019 12:44

I don’t think that some people would accept a marriage ending for any reason. If one person left because he/ she wasn’t happy anymore ( which is the oft cited advice) and there was no other party involved then I can’t see the remaining partner being any happier about it. Imagine it.... “he left me and it wasn’t because he was lured away by some vixen he just didn’t want me anymore” - I would have thought it would be as hurtful but probably more bewildering. Some people are incapable of moving on irrespective of the circumstances and irrespective of their part in the marriage breakdown.

FishCanFly · 30/09/2019 13:04

I don’t think that some people would accept a marriage ending for any reason.
DH was already divorced long ago before he met me. His extended family - awkward - the shadow of the ex is still lingering.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/09/2019 13:14

OW to my ExH was welcomed pretty much 2 months after we split up.
I'd been with him 15 years, they loved their granddaughter and his mum was wonderful and considered me to be like a daughter.
That fucking hurt like hell I can tell you.
But there you go.
It happens a lot.
But other families don't readily accept OW.
Long term I think it will get there.
But it will take time for everyone to get over it and come to terms with it.

lunar1 · 30/09/2019 13:17

If my brother cheated on his wife I don't think I would ever accept the ow. My sil has been in my life for 15 years, she was there through my fertility treatment, my losses, she was there for my children when they were born. We have been there for each other's life events for the last 15 years, that's not something that can be replaced.

She is as much my family, and my children's aunt as my brother is.

Swipe left for the next trending thread