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Original poster

Should OW expect to be welcomed into family?

476 replies

Nattyjackie · 29/09/2019 11:53

Scenario: woman has long term affair with man with kids. Wider family (mother, siblings) find out. Marriage breaks down and man moves on with OW. Long term should the OW expect to be welcomed and accepted by family?

Please put aside Man's role in this for the moment which is of course the instigator of all this. I'm really interested in what the OWs expectations should be towards wider family.

OP posts:
PossiblyPFB · 29/09/2019 22:42

We’ve also had this in our family. However in this instance there are no kids and while that is in some ways a silver lining, it’s also really weird for my lovely SIL who has done absolutely nothing wrong as her STBXH was the serial cheater who has now left for the latest of the OW. My PIL have been horrible to her throughout the divorce process “in support” of her H.

Because there aren’t any children, they have no allegiance to her. They have welcomed OW immediately “because she makes him happy and he deserves that”. The stand with him wholeheartedly, so his STBx wife is the enemy.

I don’t see why they have to behave like that. Incredibly unfair on a nice woman who has literally done nothing other than be cheated on by a terrible H who has frankly always been a jerk. It has really affected my view of the PILs- we try to avoid them now, so they are missing out on a lot of time with their only grandchild because we can’t stand to be around them too regularly.

All that said SIL is better off without him and has a happier life in store, so she wins- plus she won’t have to see the asshole PILs, unlike me, sadly!

MsTSwift · 29/09/2019 22:47

Families have to be careful how they tread - we know a family with 3 sons one treated his wife appallingly had affairs marriage over. His parents took his side and froze out and demonised wife. Other 2 dils now pulling back and making less effort with their in laws seeing how the in laws treated the cheating brothers wife.

PossiblyPFB · 29/09/2019 23:05

@MsTSwift

Exactly. As a DIL, they have demonstrated to me how very disposable and replaceable I am to my PILs, so why would I invest in that? 🤔

flirtygirl · 29/09/2019 23:14

This thread shows it really is each to their own. But I would never be welcoming, ever.

I go lc with people who behave like this that are not family. I would hold my family members to a certain standard. Honest dealings with others is one of them. People who act like this I would not want to be around.

In my own personal life, ie if I was cheated on then I take the scorched earth approach and go no contact erasing all links. Yes I would have my children still but there would be no co parenting. Just parellel parenting.

I would be one of those mothers who would not go to their child's wedding if ow was there. I would not make any appeasement at all.

No I would not disown my child but I would happily sit at home and miss their wedding if they invited ow.

We all make decisions we can live with in life. This decision is being true to myself. I would not be bitter, I just like to end relationships if I can't trust them. My children would know this about me, so whilst they can choose what type of relationship they want with ow and their dad. I would make it clear that I'm to never have anything to do with it.

So if the kids were young I would not do dropoffs etc. If their dad had contact, he would have to pick up and drop back.

Once a person is dead to me, they are dead to me.

flirtygirl · 29/09/2019 23:17

Also if I was the wronged party and my in laws were welcoming to ow, then I would make no attempt for them to see my kids. Obviously when dad had contact they could see them then.

The lives would be separated.

AnybodyWantAChip · 29/09/2019 23:21

To many variables to make any single perspective valid.

banamarama · 29/09/2019 23:22

Of course she should be welcomed. How is this anyone else's business?

KylieKoKo · 29/09/2019 23:24

I would be one of those mothers who would not go to their child's wedding if ow was there.

I think that's incredibly selfish. Surely its about who your child wants there, not your feelings?

A friend of mine kept her wedding a secret from her family and had a service with just her close friends because neither of her parents would back down about whether or not her dad's partner of 20 years should attend. Her mum then had the audacity to moan to all and sundry about how it had broken her heart. I think both her parents behaved appallingly. The mum more so as my friend wanted her dads partner there as they are very close.

SaraNade · 29/09/2019 23:29

Yeah I do agree that not going to your child's wedding is extremely selfish, flirtygirl. You seem to think it is all about you and your feelings (yes, I know this is all rhetorical because you aren't being cheated on and we are all just saying what we'd do if we were in that circumstances). It's not about you. You should be able stop feeling pity for yourself for one day/evening and put your child first. It's their wedding and their choice. Having morals is one thing, and I agree with a lot of what you say. But what you said about not going to your child's wedding just smacks of selfishness and putting yourself before your child, just so you can make a point. I would put my child before myself, for one day.

Wheelson · 29/09/2019 23:35

@flirtygirl jeezo...I could never miss my child's wedding, not for anything. By doing so you'd be making it all about you rather than about them, not to mention forcing them to choose between you and their dad which is a pretty shitty thing to do, regardless of how you feel.

MrsDimmond · 29/09/2019 23:44

I would be one of those mothers who would not go to their child's wedding if ow was there.

That implies you'd still go if your ex husband was there which makes no sense according to your extreme moral standpoint

flirtygirl · 29/09/2019 23:45

Yes it probably is selfish but I can't reconcile going with who I am as a person. My child would still have me as a mother but they would have to accept that I'm at home and happy to be at home. I would not feel comfortable going. I couldn't put my discomfort aside as it would be evident. (I suffer going out normally, once out I'm usually fine but not always.) I would want her to enjoy her day and me being there in that situation would not be enjoyable for anyone.

However unlike the mum above I would not moan, I would just accept that this is how things are. I would support my child in other ways.

However, you are also right that I've not actually been in that situation.
My daughter is 10, who knows what I will do when she gets married.

MrsDimmond · 29/09/2019 23:48

flirtygirl could you clarify if you'd go to the wedding if exh was there but ow wasnt invited ?

Divebar · 29/09/2019 23:49

My parents have been divorced for about 35 years but for some reason decided to have a falling out in the lead up to my wedding. My dad then made some declaration that he wouldn’t be going. I did tell him if he missed my wedding I would never speak to him ever again and I meant it. Anybody prepared to do that to their own child is a selfish arse as far as I’m concerned.

flirtygirl · 29/09/2019 23:51

No would not go if ex was there.

MrsDimmond · 30/09/2019 00:08

Thanks for anawering flirtygirl
Thankfully it's a hypothetical situation and maybe you'd feel differently in reality.

Like others I'm struggling to imagine even contemplating not going to my dd's wedding. And I have experienced infidelity which meant that split from my dd's dad.

cookingonwine · 30/09/2019 00:09

If it's his family of course they should and probably accepted the OW. His family should be on his side no matter what. If the OW makes him happy end of story really isn't it.

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/09/2019 00:15

I am aware that the OW in my case has no relationship to speak of with my ex-h's family. It's been six years. However, she's been an utter piece of shit from the outset so it's no surprise really. Ex-h has been welcomed by her family it appears, however, ex-h and OW created a false narrative that her family have chosen to believe. More fool them.

Rainbowhairdontcare · 30/09/2019 05:36

The OW that I know gave her now husband a roof when he was made pretty much homeless when he left his exW. The exWs family in their anger called and verbally abused his mother and brother. Later the exW threatened the mother that she'll never see the grandchildren if she met the OW.

Maybe the ex's family in this situation helped the OW but she's now part of that family and has never felt unwelcome.

JollyJlly · 30/09/2019 05:40

Life is too short, holding resentment only damages the people holding it. Yes horrible thing to happen yes not nice. Much worse for all concerned if hold a grudge for the rest of eternity.

Draw a line and move on otherwise the family will be bitter for years. Won’t change the fact that they love each other and are staying together. People make mistakes marrying the wrong person is a very very common one. Those that have made no errors in judgement ever can feel free to remain on their high horse.

Kiwiinkits · 30/09/2019 06:46

If it were one of my brothers that had an affair I don’t think my extended family would ever accept the OW. She would be politely tolerated but deep down we’d all hate her. Brother would be ostracised too but begrudgingly forgiven eventually as long as he didn’t shaft / neglect his kids.

MsTSwift · 30/09/2019 06:55

So even if both parties in new happy relationships and you split up years ago you would miss your child’s wedding potentially devastating them because of your “morals”? I don’t think that’s admirable I think it’s pathetic.

DDIJ · 30/09/2019 07:25

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MsTSwift · 30/09/2019 07:34

Some seem to enjoy the martyr role. Poor kids.

DDIJ · 30/09/2019 07:51

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