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Original poster

Should OW expect to be welcomed into family?

476 replies

Nattyjackie · 29/09/2019 11:53

Scenario: woman has long term affair with man with kids. Wider family (mother, siblings) find out. Marriage breaks down and man moves on with OW. Long term should the OW expect to be welcomed and accepted by family?

Please put aside Man's role in this for the moment which is of course the instigator of all this. I'm really interested in what the OWs expectations should be towards wider family.

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 29/09/2019 12:10

FIL left MIL when dh was 18. He married OW as soon as divorce was finalised but DH refused to go to the wedding. However since then DH has made an effort to ensure his stepmother is part of our family. our DC call her "Nana" and adore her.

One of my best friends was an OW. She hasn't been fully accepted by her DJ's parents despite being married to her dh for 20 years. However his brothers have completely accepted her.

WhiteCat1704 · 29/09/2019 12:10

My sister had an affair and it resulted in a divorce. She is now with OM. I welcomed him as ultimately my loyalty is to my sister and I she has the right to be happy with whoever she chooses. She had the affair as she was very unhappy in the marriage.

So following that though OW should be accepted by the family of her now partner.

We don't know the ins and outs of the marriage but it's unlikely it was a great one if an affair and a relationship started.

Rachelover60 · 29/09/2019 12:12

It all depends on what the OW (or OM) is like. If they are pleasant, fair, friendly, they are usually accepted eventually. It takes time though.

honeyalmondlatte · 29/09/2019 12:12

Why is the man 'of course' the instigator in this? The woman, if she knew he was married, has just as much responsibility not to sleep with a married man.

burnoutbabe · 29/09/2019 12:14

Same as other posters, be much easier to accept if it was a sibling than if it was your parent.

MulticolourMophead · 29/09/2019 12:14

Man has long term affair which would indicate the previous marriage not perfect.

Or, he wanted to have his cake and eat it as well.

It's always going to depend on the circumstances, I think.

MyNewBearTotoro · 29/09/2019 12:15

I think it depends on who the family members are and how much they were effected. I wouldn’t expect any children involved to ever welcome the OW who broke up their parent’s marriage - they might be inclined to forgive their father because of the history and blood relationship, but there’s far less reason for them to forgive and then accept the OW.

It also depends on the ex-wives relationship with the family and where their loyalties lie with her. I was good friends with BIL before I was in a relationship with DP and if DP cheated I expect BILs loyalty might lie with me.

Honestly, I think if you’re the OW you have to accept that you played a part in deceiving, hurting and ultimately breaking up a family and that there are people who will find it very hard to accept that. There will probably be family members who will never do more than tolerate you and who may never welcome you, and I think you have to recognise that’s their prerogative. Some people will never be able to separate you from the pain, hurt and confusion you brought into their lives.

littleduckeggblue · 29/09/2019 12:15

Yes, they are his family and should always support him.
Btw I am not An OW and never have been

MillicentMartha · 29/09/2019 12:16

My exH has married the OW. All his family seem to have no problems with her. They all went to the wedding. None of them talk to me anymore. My exFIL continued to send me birthday cards and a cheque until his death, he was a sweet man. My exBILs don’t contact me at all, which I find rather hurtful, but understandable as their loyalty is to their brother, which seems to extend to his current wife.

My DSs very occasionally see their uncles when they are with their father EOW but maybe only once a year.

I think it will depend on what sort of relationship the man has with his own family. If they are close to him and it hasn’t been merely facilitated by his exW in the past, they will probably want to continue seeing him with the OW. If they were very close to the ExW then maybe they will feel that their loyalties are more divided and they’ll be less welcoming.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 29/09/2019 12:16

Depends on individual circumstances.

For example, my friend had an affair. It gave her the strength to leave her abusive bastard of a husband, and believe me, she could never have done it without OM.

The OM is now her husband and has been fully welcomed in to her family and friendship circle.

CharityConundrum · 29/09/2019 12:17

Not at first but eventually I think ow should be accepted. How long can people punish a person for a mistake?

What mistake? A long-term affair? That's a calculated deception, not a mistake.

Choosing not to spend time with someone because their morals and approach to life don't align with yours is an inherent part of how we choose our social circle. It's not necessarily punishing someone to acknowledge that they simply aren't the kind of person you want to be around.

KatherineJaneway · 29/09/2019 12:18

I think the OW should have no expectations of a family relationship, if that happens then that happens, but she cannot expect a warm welcome or even a welcome.

How it pans out in real life depends on so many things, I don't think there is one answer.

Not at first but eventually I think ow should be accepted. How long can people punish a person for a mistake?

What she did (not forgetting his part but this comment was about the OW) wasn't a mistake though was it? And the ramifications on a family can be devastating and long term. The OW in our family is treated well but at least one family member will not have anything to do with her.

WonderWomansSpin · 29/09/2019 12:18

I don't think they should 'expect' to be welcomed. There will be a lot of hurt on all sides and I'd expect the wider family to put the DCs first not the OW.
It also depends on what everyone else's relationships were like with the ex-wife. If she was liked by the wider family and remained friends with them, then it will take even longer for the OW to be accepted.

MillicentMartha · 29/09/2019 12:18

My DSs do have a relationship with the OW, she’s been their SM EOW since they were pre teens. They like her well enough.

TheTrollFairy · 29/09/2019 12:18

I don’t think she should be expecting to be welcomed in to the family.
What about the mother to those children? Should she be forgotten and make way for the other woman?

If mine or my OH siblings had a long term affair then they would not be welcome in my house. I would actually like to not have the family member in my house again but I guess that gets a bit more complicated (if they went on to have kids then I would possibly need to re-assess the situation)

silly248 · 29/09/2019 12:19

@MulticolourMophead

But really if it was a long term relationship with OW that has resulted in them being together I suspect it’s less black and white than ‘wanting cake and eating it’

KarmaStar · 29/09/2019 12:20

Are you the ow op?or the wife?

Maseandmum · 29/09/2019 12:20

I don’t think they should expect it no

Enko · 29/09/2019 12:20

My stepdad was the OM to begin with he was not welcomed into my mothers family but slowly bit by bit he became an established part of it. My mother died 4 years ago and my aunts and uncles all still invite him to events and they still visit him and he them. He is after 39 years (well 43 now) a well established part of the family that many love and care about.

I guess it has to do with time healing.

Samosaurus · 29/09/2019 12:20

I think it'd take a lot for a family to welcome the OW of a long-time affair as they would think she was a pretty untrustworthy character if she knew the man was married. I know the man is totally in the wrong too, but people tend to forgive and see the best in their own flesh and blood. I guess an OW should hope at best to be tolerated by the family. Although if say the original marriage was unhealthy or abusive that would put a different slant on things.

LovePoppy · 29/09/2019 12:22

Polite civility to start

Perhaps welcoming as time goes on

CampingItUp · 29/09/2019 12:24

If the wider family stay close to the cheating man then it’s a bit rich to be hostile or rude to the OW.

But everyone concerned needs to be respectful of the fact that if they want a close ongoing relationship with grandchildren, nephews, nieces, there will need to be sensitivity and empathy for the betrayed first wife.

LovePoppy · 29/09/2019 12:24

Why is the man 'of course' the instigator in this? The woman, if she knew he was married, has just as much responsibility not to sleep with a married man.

Responsibility to who exactly?

If someone steps out of their marriage, that is their fault. Not the new partner.

bluebeck · 29/09/2019 12:26

When my Dsis had an affair I was disappointed because I loved my XBIL and I really don't like her new DH. However, I have welcomed him into the family as her new spouse.

Life is too short to spend it with your knickers in a twist about other people's actions, especially if they don't directly affect you.

Ponoka7 · 29/09/2019 12:26

Well the Queen and Princes managed it.

I think it depends on the circumstances and how the divorce was conducted. As well as fairness over property, the children's lives/maintainance etc.

My Uncle was trapped in a loveless marriage. He started an affair with a neighbour. He then left and married her. They were happily married for thirty years, he adopted her children. His ex moved on quite quickly. He left her in the house and was fair, in her favour, with the settlement.

His children disowed him.

Ideally you should leave before an affair, but people are falable and weak.

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