Should OW expect to be welcomed into family?

[Nattyjackie]

Scenario: woman has long term affair with man with kids. Wider family (mother, siblings) find out. Marriage breaks down and man moves on with OW. Long term should the OW expect to be welcomed and accepted by family?

Please put aside Man's role in this for the moment which is of course the instigator of all this. I'm really interested in what the OWs expectations should be towards wider family.

sofato5miles - difficult and hurtful for the family as it might have been, you did exactly the right thing. You didn't go looking for side pieces, you were unhappy in your marriage, so you ended it instead of going behind your ex husband's back and living a lie.

Am I angry? Nah, not anymore. Mother's remarried and now has a wonderful, faithful, loving husband. As do I. My siblings have all built happy lives with their spouses. As for dad and Vagina - I don't know whether they're happy or not, and I don't care. I've only met her once or twice and have no interest in knowing her. It's not that I'm angry at her - that's long gone, I just hold her in contempt. And, as much as I actually adore women as a class, my sense of sisterhood does not and will not extend to the woman who actively pursued and encouraged an affair with a married man, kicked off and made a scene whenever he spent time with us, and behaved in a 'yeah we're together, whatchagonnadoaboutit' way.

She openly disrespected our mother too, by turning up at her place of work, and mother had to treat her as any other customer if she wanted to keep her job. She's fucking evil. She deserves all she gets.

Eventually yes.

@beautifulharmony I most certainly didn't do it for the support of people like you. And I have lost friends, social standing, financial security and my children 50/50 just simply for leaving. That's it. For daring to challenge the status quo. my social circle is heavily biased to high earner values: assets, power. I have much, much more understanding of people who have affairs now, tbh.

@Bartlet yes, exactly. The point I was making is that there are worse things that can happen to a human. Women need to be able to earn their own living and not rely on a man.

I think the point is discretion.

If you sofata could have maintained the status quo but had an entirely discreet relationship with a similarly-placed guy, maybe that would indeed have been the best option. At least until the kids grew up and left home.

I think the deal when you have kids and provide a home for them (married or not) is that you then have a responsibility to provide emotional stability. I suppose whatever it takes to do that goes. Maybe that's the bottom line.

@lottelupin that is a very interesting point and in a balanced world you could be right
But the risk of getting caught must terrify people (especially after reading threads like this).

lottelupin you have a bit of a weird mentality that an affair is somehow fine as long as it is kept secret from the kids. It really isn't. The rules of monogamy are not there just to protect the child (unless you are talking in a historical sense when it came to proof the child was legitimate). It's that kind of thinking that allows children to believe their parents should make themselves unhappy to stay together for their sake, and that the parent should have to deal with a lifetime of disrespect from someone that wasn't committed to them and didn't love them as long as the kids don't know it's happening. They really shouldn't.

Adults should be in a romantic relationship with someone they love and respect who in turn treats them with love and respect, and children should be taught that their parents not being together romantically doesn't impact either of their love for them, and isn't their place to dictate as they are asking someone to give up their happiness to give them the illusion of a traditional family.

I think it is dangerous thinking to say an affair is acceptable if it keeps a child's parents in their unhappy relationship. They SHOULD separate if either party is for whatever reason happy to cheat.

There are always worse things that can happen to a woman. There are worse things that can happen to anyone. Yet this is a thread about affairs, and it's not a contest. To say worst things can happen to someone is not only inappropriate on a thread where the topic is only about affairs, but it is cruel. To topic is affairs, it's not a peeing contest. To a woman and innocent children, it does feel like it destroys their life. And many are never the same again. This is a fact when it comes to affairs, which, as I looked and checked, is the topic of this thread. Another thread can be created to discuss the various other tragedies we humans can experience in life. It is out of line imo to belittle the experiences of victims of affairs, in this thread, by a 'oh it could be worse' comment.

@sofato5miles you sound vengeful, bitter and a bit unhinged by anger. Internalised misogyny too. Frightening.

You on the other hand sound cold, selfish, arrogant and heartless, and sound so far removed from human reality. I think beautifulmelody if she is 'vengeful, bitter and unhinged by anger' has EVERY RIGHT TO BE! If you went through what she did, I am sure you would too. Dare you blame her? Oh, and stop the internalised misogyny bs, that is a true misogynist's way of silencing a female victim of an affair. The irony is that you are the one demonstrating external, not just internal, misogyny, and all the while calling a woman typical misogynistic labels; 'bitter', 'vengeful', 'unhinged'. Why not add hysterical, too, while you're at it? Then you can complete a bingo card of your own misogyny.

@beautifulmelody Sorry you are experiencing this level of misogynistic abuse against you. You have every right to feel the way you do. Every right. No normal human being would fault you, if they experienced what you did. People are simply incapable of putting themselves in other people's shoes, and using even a little compassion to see beyond that anger that you justifiably feel. No victim of an affair, especially a female and a then child victim at that, should be made to feel ashamed on this, mumsnet, a woman's site, for what are natural human emotions. I'm so sorry. AIBU is an abhorrent section when it comes to affairs. Victims told they have no right to their own emotional responses. Basically like re-victimising again. And, on a 'feminist' site. No less.

It is 2019. This narrative as poor woman as victim and passive observer to her own life, at the mercy of her husband and so life destroyed if he wanders off really needs to stop. Feminism is about equality. Perpetuating this nonsense is feeding into the continuation of the patriarchal bullshit that you all claim to hate. Either we're equal, or we're not. If we're equal then we take equal responsibility for ensuring that we can support ourselves/families if found alone for any reason. Emotionally it may be tough, but so are a lot of things.

Affairs happen. Relationships break down. People die suddenly. People are injured and disabled, or become ill and can't work. The Disney fairytale is just that.

There are far too many bitter and hysterical,people on this thread that need to get a grip.

Eff me there are some really sociopathic nasty pieces of work on here. Real scum.

It is 2019. This narrative as poor woman as victim and passive observer to her own life, at the mercy of her husband and so life destroyed if he wanders off really needs to stop

I am a victim of my ex. His behaviour towards me, our children is chilling. My life was destroyed. Your statement assumes that was the end. I have rebuilt from scratch - he left me with nothing, cleared the bank accounts and took the roof from over my head, I work, I pay my own bills. I have brought up 3 children single-handedly. My quality of life is good. Friendships, romantic relationships, family. All good. Time helps a lot.

But the scar is enormous and whilst it is fading, it itches and it hurts and it serves as a constant reminder. It is a massive part of my life and you don’t just get over it because....feminism. I mean seriously, wtf? Spouting feminism ignores the damage affairs cause. It is lifelong damage for many and just because we don’t move on as quickly as you find comfortable doesn’t make us reliant on men, or bitter, or hysterical. We are human beings, reacting to deeply traumatic events.

Well said @Sotiredofthislife Unfortunately some simply don't have a pulse, so cannot understand basic human reactions. Being human is foreign to them.

Actually, leaving your partner and taking all the money is far, far worse than having sex with other people. If you're ending a relationship where there are DC and shared assets, you need to be absolutely fair about that aspect of it.

But plenty of people abuse a partner they are dumping in financial terms, whether or not there was anyone else involved in the break up of the original relationship, and that's a lot more concerning.

Vengeful, damaged, damaging - a touch startled by some of the savagery here. The poor DC.

Actually, leaving your partner and taking all the money is far, far worse than having sex with other people

In your opinion.

@Sotiredofthislife I had a very similar experience to you and a disabled toddler to boot. The feelings you describe and the scarring that is left are very real. My ex-h and OW still taunt me about the damage to my mental health. I know that despite my settled life and general happiness, I will never be the same person as I was before. It's pretty shit really. for you

Omg so sorry this was supposed to be on the puddle post!

*Leaving and taking the money is far worse than having sex with other people
*
... I think that depends on the individuals involved. Personally I think breaking the deal re: physical monogamy is the worst.

MIL had an affair, when DH was a child. Lovely woman and I appreciate she has many positive aspects, as well as what happened two decades ago with the fair.

She has stayed with the affair partner.

It is an issue that still pains those involved, being so central to what they assumed, and held dear as children. Perhaps would have been 'easier' to accept in some ways if FIL had been abusive, controlling or even generally unpleasant.

The affair partner is tolerated. He is looked at more critically than the DM, even though she had greater responsibility in the situation really.

I think there is a difference between accepting her into the family and welcoming her.
One of my brother's left his wife for another woman. We accepted her into the family as his choice, not ours.
They're still together over 20 years later, and if I'm honest, I got on well with her right from the start.
I actually prefer her to his ex.

I'd rather die than welcome the marriage wrecking bitch into my family.

Madcatlady 😂😂** ...