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Original poster

Should OW expect to be welcomed into family?

476 replies

Nattyjackie · 29/09/2019 11:53

Scenario: woman has long term affair with man with kids. Wider family (mother, siblings) find out. Marriage breaks down and man moves on with OW. Long term should the OW expect to be welcomed and accepted by family?

Please put aside Man's role in this for the moment which is of course the instigator of all this. I'm really interested in what the OWs expectations should be towards wider family.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 30/09/2019 13:22

I honestly think it depends. Depends on the situation. Depends on the types of people they are. Depends on the fall out. Depends on so many things.

Original poster
Nattyjackie · 30/09/2019 13:24

Thanks for all the responses Flowers it's been really good to get a whole range of views and has given me loads to think about.

I am the family member in this situation and its really difficult to know how to approach this.

OP posts:
Provincialbelle · 30/09/2019 13:29

Don’t be so quick to assume an affair is just the man (or woman)behaving badly.

My DB technically has an OW but his wife was a horrendously bullying woman who was foul to our DPs. DB tried to keep the peace for so many years but he - and his children - are now so much happier and “Ow” is much more involved with his children than their mother, who palms them off every chance she gets and still extracts maintenance from DB

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/09/2019 13:32

Mrs Diamond

I wouldn't advise them to do anything. Its their choice and their own decision. Losing a parent out of their lives would have huge impact but invariably the person who breaks up a family with an affair does that almost by default. I've seen it so many times where there is OW the kids are an afterthought and men become a Disney/deadbeat dad. That's on them.

DeeCeeCherry · 30/09/2019 13:35

She might be aware she'll be judged so in that case not have many or even any expectations at all. Some women are just happy being with the man equally the man is happy just with her so they won't care what family think, or even seek acceptanc from grown siblings who have their lives going on already. Of course thats not always the way but its a possibility isn't it? There isn't a 'standard' expectation level, I don't think

Scrumptiousbears · 30/09/2019 13:38

My father and his OW did this. She was accepted by his sisters/mother etc. Not by his daughters. In fact his side of the family activity kept his secret from my mother.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 30/09/2019 13:43

My Uncle had an affair years ago and has since married OW and had a child. OW has been fully welcomed into our family. She is a wonderful, kind and funny person who just happened to fall in love with a married man. He rightly accepts the blame. He was unhappy in his marriage for many years prior, but didn't leave until he met OW. He knows he handled it poorly, but he is so much happier now.

We tried to maintain good relationships with his ex wife and their children, but sadly (though somewhat understandably) they took the view that we needed to choose and when we didn't, they cut us out completely.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 30/09/2019 13:55

I'm not sure how much difference it would make, if someone waited until the other person split from their spouse before starting something. Surely, you'd still be considered the OW/OM, if they left for you.

In regards to the OP, I think "welcoming" might be the wrong word. Getting to know the new partner and seeing whether you like them and taking it from there, would be more appropriate. Are you still close to the previous partner? The closer you are to the previous partner, the more time I would leave to meet the new partner. But, if it is a long term thing then I would (eventually) meet new partner. Whether I'd welcome or avoid them would entirely depend on what i thought of them.

UnoriginalUserName948 · 30/09/2019 13:55

I assume you are talking about accepted by the ex? wife and children.
I would tolerate her for my children's sakes. They would still be seeing their father and probably her. But I would not be friends with her, would not let her cross my doorstep (maybe after 10 years I would...). I would not speak about it to the children. At least I would like to think I wouldn't!

AmIThough · 30/09/2019 14:31

@Nattyjackie are you a family member of the husband?
Is she a nice person (other than the 'being the OW' thing)?
If she and the man love each other, and she's prepared to take on his children and not make things more difficult than they need to be for the ex, there's no reason to be nasty.

You don't need to pick sides either.

SaraNade · 30/09/2019 14:42

@NorthOfTheWatfordGap I can tell you were an OW straight away. No self awareness, no remorse, no attempt even at humility.

As they know how unhappy we both were in our previous marriages.
You were happy enough to get married, in the first place. Oh, if you are unhappy, you get out of the marriage, first, before getting into another relationship. It's a pretty simple concept.

Life is too short for grudges
Easy to say as the OW. I guess you won't hold a grudge when (not if) your current partner says he is 'unhappy' and cheats and leaves you then.

plus there are always 3 sides to every story - his side, her side and the truth.
Said by an amoral cheater looking desperately for an excuse. This is no a criminal court where it is your word against theirs in the absence of proof. This is about base level homo sapien behaviour. There is NO side to cheating. Unhappy? Work on the marriage or get out, then start again. There is no 'other side' to that basic concept which is the cornerstone of any civilised society. I don't give a rats if the spouse was abusive or made you listen to 'my heart will go on' 22 hours a day. You leave the marriage first. There can never be more than one 'side' to that basic level of homo sapien decency.

SaraNade · 30/09/2019 14:49

OP "I am the family member in this situation"

What does that mean? Does that mean you are the OW, or the one cheated on, or a relative of the OW, or a relative of the one who cheated, or a relative of the one cheated on?

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 30/09/2019 14:50

I've had this happen to me. My Dad dated and even proposed to another woman whilst still with my mum. Me and my brother were teenagers.

We have nothing to do with OW. She's never made any attempt to really have anything to do with us either rather than fake platitudes of being 'family' and we both disowned my Dad for various reasons (not just the affair). He left my mum destitute after she spent years raising us and working her arse off supporting his higher paying job and was left with nothing. My dad then moved across the country and brought up the OW children with her.

My paternal grandmother and family have very little to do with either of them. They stayed in contact with my Mum however and always exchange birthday and Christmas cards.

I think it depends on the situation. Had my Dads OW been a nice, friendly, respectful person I'm sure me and my brother would have been more likely to welcome her in. As it stood, she never made any effort and as we've found out years later, kept my Dad from speaking to us by filtering out calls and deleting text messages and emails.

MouthyHarpy · 30/09/2019 17:02

As a family member Natty I can imagine bearing with your relative bit having little to do with the OW.

It should be your choice and your moral compass here.

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 30/09/2019 17:13

I think I would struggle to accept OM/OW for the simple fact as I wouldn't trust them, they will have deceived and lied to others order to be in a relationship.

Not necessarily. If they were single without any/much close family around and they didn't personally know the DH/DW, they themselves may not have lied to anyone.

The man is an adult but his choices have far reaching consequences on his children and ex wife. Potentially relegating them to a much lower standard of living and in some cases I've seen abject poverty.

That could potentially still be the case if they did what most people advocate for which is to leave an unhappy marriage before starting another relationship - paying for two homes isn't cheap, especially in some parts of the country.

purplerainpitcher · 30/09/2019 17:33

It's hard. When I was 18 my dad had an affair and then my mum found out and they split up. He and OW are still together 9 years later and now have a 1 year old DD. it took me a long time for me to forgive my Dad and i spent a lot of time not speaking to him mainly because he used to use taking my Theb 1 year old DD out for the day while i was at college as an excuse to spend time with this woman. Now we've all moved on and all get on quite well.

Biancadelrioisback · 30/09/2019 17:34

Argh this is so hard. OP I am in the same position.
My DB began an affair nearly a year ago now. He left his wife when she discovered the affair earlier this year. The wife is also my best friend.
I'm now being pressured to meet OW by my mum who keeps telling me how lovely she is and says she really thinks well get on. I know she is just hoping for a happy family and she is a huge rug sweeper but I am not ready to accept OW.

Winterlife · 30/09/2019 17:48

In your shoes, Bianca, I would tell my mother stop it, unless you want me to stop calling/seeing you.

MirandaGoshawk · 30/09/2019 17:52

Think of Charles and Camilla! Took a lot for her to be accepted but after a lot of water has gone under the bridge... Not a great situation for anyone involved but they seem to have made the best of it and moved on.

WhisperingPines · 30/09/2019 17:53

As I have already said in an earlier post: let he/she who is without sin cast the first stone.

Cheating is wrong but can you honestly say that you are 100% truthful, honest and sin-less people? Never lied, never even told a little white lie, never omitted facts in a conversation, never 'revamped' your CV in order to look better in the eyes of a potential employer, never faked an orgasm, never gossiped, never told your best friend her bum didn't look big when she asked you?
Never said to your partner 'Love you' when you didn't really mean it?
Some of you (especially in the old days) may even have married someone even if you didn't want to (pressure from parents, pregnancy, etc) ...
Think about it.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/09/2019 17:56

Oh, some people have this weird monogamy fetish which means they will never forget/forgive AN AFFFFAAIIIIIIIIRRR even if it wasn't their spouse who went elsewhere. But most people will, at least after a while, probably stop fussing about it. And, in some cases, might find they like the new partner better than the old one anyway.

lovemenorca · 30/09/2019 17:57

If this was my brother and another woman, the extent to which I welcomed the other woman would depend on the circumstances

However there is absolutely no way I would exclude or shun. No chance.

Winterlife · 30/09/2019 17:58

Irrelevant. I have never cheated on my husband. Never slept with a married man, other than the one to whom I’m married. F**king someone else’s husband/wife is a far cry from lying about liking your lousy coffee.

Winterlife · 30/09/2019 17:59

^@WhisperingPines

slipperywhensparticus · 30/09/2019 18:03

Part of me thinks camilla was only really accepted by the public because diana died awhile ago that and the fact they kept it low key for awhile