Should OW expect to be welcomed into family?

[Nattyjackie]

Scenario: woman has long term affair with man with kids. Wider family (mother, siblings) find out. Marriage breaks down and man moves on with OW. Long term should the OW expect to be welcomed and accepted by family?

Please put aside Man's role in this for the moment which is of course the instigator of all this. I'm really interested in what the OWs expectations should be towards wider family.

@SaraNade
" he can't have been that 'trapped'. He after all, was able to leave his marriage for the neighbour. If he was truly trapped, he would not have been able to leave, at all"

They bought a house in Bletchley just as Milton Keynes was being built. There was no equity and nowhere else to live for decades. His ex wasn't a great Mother, this was the 60's/70's, the children would have had a dogs life if he went sooner. He wouldn't have been able to support them financially and rehouse himself. He commuted to his job as a bus driver as it was.

The neighbour was Widowed and self employed. She sold up and that meant he could leave his wife and older teenagers in the house and still financially support them.

From the OW (my new auntie) pov, she wasn't going to sell up, if there wasn't something concrete going on. When he first left he went back to my Nans in the NW. Where they were moving to had local bus services starting and he was waiting for a new job.

Life may be different now, but at that time, he didn't have alternatives. His adopted children's Grandchildren have featured in their local paper for the community charity work they do.

They're good people who was in a difficult situation.

@saranade
Sorry but you are the one muddying the waters. MitziK stated the following:

he was then being subjected to financial abuse, gaslighting, not being allowed to eat and a lot of pushes, shoves & barging over under the description of 'you got in the way', 'you made me angry', 'don't be ridiculous, you're mad, you've imagined it'.

The abuse described far exceeded mere financial abuse. It included physical violence. So my 29% statistic is more apt. If we look at threats as in verbal & emotional abuse it goes up to 48% of men. The man MitziK wrote about was experiencing very common forms of domestic abuse. You are being disingenuous to act like she said he was only experiencing financial abuse and that his situation is “extremely rare”

The most infamous OW of modern times, Camilla Parker Bowles seems to have come out of it quite well

My father had a long term affair and is now married to the OW. I accepted her because it was more important to me to maintain a good relationship with my father than to freeze her out.
The way they got together was hurtful and far from ideal, but life is seldom black and white and I think it does more harm than good to dwell on these things and continue to punish people for years.
She is not my best friend but we get on well, and I know my father appreciates it.
My parents divorced when I was 20.

Calling women slags. Classy.

I would not welcome them, tolerate them or have any kind of relationship with them.

Thats for parents, sibling, children, everyone.

I think people get away with this behaviour because after the initial fallout, there are often very few consequences. If they were effectively shunned then fewer would ever consider it.
Both are at blame and both should be held accountable. If you want to move on you break up first, simple and honest.

Also if my children had anything to do with them, I would go low contact with them.

I'm black and white on this issue. Pick a side and stick to it. No all playing happy families with me as I simply would not play along. Ever.

Yes. Life's too short. Making more trouble just keeps wounds open for those who have been deeply hurt.

Moving on is, annoyingly, better for everyone.

Future Relationships with parents/siblings/friends will depend entirely on the nature and reason of the affair.
However, if the original couple have any young children, it is unlikely that they would ever welcome the ow, and definitely not for many years, because absolutely regardless of what went on and where 'Blame' lies, the children will always see her as the woman who broke their beloved parents up.

Murder, rape, child abuse, severe violence against another person is something that shouldn't be forgiven. Cheating isn't something that shouldn't be forgiven in my opinion. I do find it odd that some people will stick by a family member that has, for example, commited a really serious crime but because it didn't impact them, they stick by them. But cheating? Oh no, that's unforgivable. The only people entitled to not forgive a cheater are the partner that was cheated on and any children involved. That's my view. It's no one else's business really. If a parent cheats on another, the kids are totally entitled to be angry and not accept the OW. But the siblings, cousins etc, no.

A parent is bound to be disappointed in their child if they cheat but they should always want what is best for their child unless like I say, their behaviour was also unacceptable and forgivable like they abused their partner also

@AMAM8916
I agree with you absolutely. Sometimes sex is just that, sex. It means absolutely nothing. I think in future people may place more value in how they get on day to day, and less on a possibly meaningless shag.
Some people get treated like dirt day in and day out by their partner. Little things, constant things. But, because they don't cheat, that's all fine.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie

If the OW is going to be on the scene as a permanent fixture, she should be accepted as such. Everything else is petty and judgemental.

Nope. My dad's OW (and my Mum's supposed friend) were dtd at my Mum's, whilst OW and her husband were staying with my folks. Hell, yes I was judgemental, especially when my Dad had been lecturing me when I was growing up about sex before and outside marriage (and this wasn't his first affair).

Petty? Probably, but I refused to go to their wedding, as I was not happy, and wasn't going to pretend...and my ds never called her Granny. It was just her first name. Once my Dad and paternal grandma died, and she turned up at my granny's funeral with her new man, (who was the spitting image of my dead Dad), I've never seen her or spoken to her again; nor do I need to and my Dad has been dead for 18 years.

Very sensible posts from Pangolina, arethereanyleftatall and AMAM8916. All spot on.

arethereanyleftatall and AMAM8916

Sex is just sex if the people are not in a monogamous relationship. Some people opt for open relationships. But once the decision is made to choose only one person then sex is not just sex.

I would be completely poleaxed if DP cheated. But that doesn't mean other people should not get over it. It wouldn't be anyone else's problem, really.

XH never so much as looked at another woman. However, he did far worse things than cheating. Things that really are unforgivable, by any normal person's standards. Those are the things that, I think, might merit some of the responses on here.

DH had an affair with OW and she became pregnant. I told him to leave, he felt he had no choice but to be with her. She knew about our family before affair even started.
Teenagers know what has happened (no choice when a baby will arrive 4 months after their father leaves) and want nothing to do with her. Did once meet child but he tricked them abc she was there too so trust has gone. Subsequent child has been born. All in less than 3 years. Teenagers feel replaced. He doesn’t parent them at all. I am utterly disgusted with his family who now make no effort with my children, possibly because they are not ‘towing the line’ and meeting his demands. I knew I could be replaceable, I never ever thought the children would be.

I also never asked them to pick sides and made lots of effort to keep in touch. I also encouraged a good relationship between ExH and children until they told me they were old enough to make their own decisions and I realised how much he was manipulating me.

Children won’t go to his at all now. They feel replaced. It’s sad, very sad. All for a bit of sex.

It depends what you mean by family doesn't it?

Blood, generally, is thicker than water. It's a no brainer that parents will maintain a relationship with adult children and ex DILS and BILs then will take a back seat. You'd hope the former ILs could maintain a relationship with the former DIL/SIL- but hen of course you only have to see the amount of threads on her to know that DILs often despise their in-laws so why they think any form of loyalty is owed ?

Expanding, am I going to disown a sibling ? unlikely.

Am I going to disown a parent? unlikely. Parents who drag their offspring (be they child or adult) into their mess need a head wobble. again it depends on age of the child. An adult child will see the fracturs in their parents relationships long before they realise it.

When it comes to it, relationships break down because simply they aren't fulfilling the needs of both parties. And that doesn't happen over night. It is a long process of withdrawal and arguments and general misery. So taking that into account, who wouldn't want to see their kith and kin happy with someone else?

Other than anything else, it is appalling bad manners not to accept someone elses choice of partner.

It’s going to depend on the circumstances really. If the man and first wife were together say 5 years and the man and OW were together for 15, then I think accepted is the bare minimum I’d expect. If it were the other way around then politely tolerated seems more reasonable. Whether they’re ever “welcomed” is going to depend on the people involved.

If it’s clear that the OW is more than a passing fancy, family and friends are ultimately going to have to put up with it as it will result in them losing their relationship with the man if they don’t (assuming that matters to them). Ultimately, it’s really none of their business

There are some very dramatic people on this thread. I had a parent who had an affair and married the affair partner.... that marriage lasted 35 years and I acquired a brilliant step parent. I also have a brother who left his wife after 20 years of marriage. He had a new partner after a few weeks so my assumption is that there was an overlap between the two ( although I’ve never asked because it’s actually none of my business) . This lady is absolutely lovely and has totally been welcomed into the family and they’ve now been together five years. That doesn’t mean that his first wife is forgotten about and we’ve maintained contact with her over that time. The idea that as soon as someone has a new partner that you must freeze out their first partner is as ridiculous as some of the comments on this thread quite frankly. No one knows what happens in other people’s relationships other than the two people involved.

I think eventually they will have to get over it and move on, yes.

I find this interesting... I think the new person will always be mostly welcome at the end as being judgy with her will mean contact between the man and his family would end up being reduced or non existent..

I would say however that one of the curiosities of ending a relationship is that many people you always liked your partner mention they never liked him/her once you are not together, so although it is the right thing for the family of the cheater to take the side of the wronged part, there may be people justifying him saying thinks like “look how happy he is, it is obvious his horrible ex “drove” him into cheating”.

So I wouldn’t expect any loyalties, as the real loyalty and forgiveness will be always oriented to the blood relative, no matter what the hell s/he did.

The most important thing to bear in mind is, it's not the children's fault.

So for their sake, and if the relationship with the ow is long-term, yes, she should be accepted as part of the family.

We had this in our family. Ow was not readily accepted by children of the man who had the affair. They were very young when it happened and were very influenced by the feelings and actions of their distraught mother. Now they are very civil with one another and extended family are very close to the ow. It isn’t right to cheat and there are better ways to end a marriage. but if the new couple are happy together then I really don’t see an issue.