Should OW expect to be welcomed into family?

[Nattyjackie]

Scenario: woman has long term affair with man with kids. Wider family (mother, siblings) find out. Marriage breaks down and man moves on with OW. Long term should the OW expect to be welcomed and accepted by family?

Please put aside Man's role in this for the moment which is of course the instigator of all this. I'm really interested in what the OWs expectations should be towards wider family.

My sister had an affair, it was messy and complicated and ultimately she got divorced. The OM was introduced to us a few months later, and we politely tolerated him. They moved in together, with her 2 kids and his 1 child. We still politely tolerated him, but welcomed his son, treated his son just like my nieces.

They split up a couple of years ago. We celebrated the split with him, not necessarily because he was the OM (we'd been thrilled when she split from her husband too, he was an arse), but because he was controlling and financially abusive (which we could see from the outside, and we'd encouraged her to leave him for ages). We don't even really miss his son (we do miss him a bit as he was quite a sweet kid when we first met him), because he was growing up just like his dad.

I completely agree with that SaraNade sounds very unlikely that he was abused in that way by two women.

I agree that if you can forgive the person who had the affair and broke their marriage vows you should be able to be welcoming to the person they had an affair with.

My ex had an affair. When my children are old enough, I will be making it clear to them that I won’t accept them having affairs and will have the bare minimum to do with them if they do. I will also write said child out of my will. I know that’s drastic, but the impact my ex’s actions have had on us all long term should be enough to deter such behaviour

That is disgusting. What kind of parent does this shit? If my mum threatened me like this I wouldn't want her in my life, let alone her bloody money.

No not welcomed. I don't think would be do able for me.

Although my friends MIL invited the OW to Christmas dinner two weeks after the H walked out on his pregnant wife and toddler. No matter how much I love my DS I wouldn't be doing that!

Tricky one...my natural instinct is to say that I wouldn't accept an OW/OM if it was my parent. I'm an only child so imagining it as one of my in-laws is tricky as I'm not that close with them.

I think it depends how the 'wronged spouse' is treated. It would be awful to suddenly exclude him or her because the OW/OM has taken her place, especially if there are children. I think most close families would probably struggle to accept a new partner under those circumstances but what a PP said is right. If the family member is forgiven then you can't really exclude his new partner.

Personally, if my DH had an affair and stayed with the OW I'd probably be bitchy and mean enough to make continuing harmonious inclusive family life difficult for both of them.

My relative left his wife (DV -no affair) and had to fight to see his kids. She claimed DV and was immediately believed when he eventually told the truth, he wasn't believed

It's not about not believing a man can be abused. Of course they can. In this situation however, a man has had an affair then left the OW. I have seen it time and time again, men claiming their partners were abusive etc when actually it is far from the truth I wouldn't take it at face value either, simply because I have seen it too many times. I wouldn't question every man simply because they are a man, but when affairs and OW are involved I would.

Sorry, @sarahnade, it doesn't work like that. I've seen the messages (and encouraged him to block them) that would start at 4.30am and continue until 7 just to make sure he was woken up, subsequent ones timed to come just as most people would be dropping off to sleep again, the ones demanding money, the car finance he had to pay off as it was in his name (he didn't have a car), the screaming down the phone at him, the 'you're more use to everybody dead/make everybody happy and do it/the only good thing that you could ever do is you killing yourself', the hissed 'have you forgotten what happens when you show me up in front of my friends?' - said at my doorstep where she'd tracked down where I lived because he'd 'been seen' talking to me.

For that last one, she didn't realise I was at my bedroom window over the front door when she knocked and could hear everything. And then she completely switched, smiled and said hello as I came downstairs/she realised he wasn't actually alone after all. Very charming lady. Big bambi-like eyes, attractive smile, cute nickname. I'd have been taken in by her had I not heard the threat just moments before.

He didn't tell me he had been abused. He tried making excuses for them, even the classic 'I made her angry'. But some of his friends (my friends, too, but they'd known him for longer) did confide that they knew something was amiss, but he wouldn't ever tell them what it was - and perhaps I'd be able to find out.

Suppose you're typifying the reason why men don't seek help for domestic abuse. Because they're not allowed to admit it and are dismissed as liars.

I think if my hubby ever cheated on me, his family would initially outcast him and the OW and my father would kill him and not really focus on the OW.

I don't think I could ever be "pally" with the OW nor would our family. I have always said to my hubby if he ever meets anyone else, just tell me and we can sort it out amicably. If he cheated on me the gloves are off and he would be out with nothing.
I know in true fact, these discussions and agreements are made between couples and the reality its very different.

I do know I would never stop him being in my sons life and encourage a healthy relationship between them, I would stay civil in front of my son, but the OW would not be in my sons life for a long time.

I wouldn't hold her responsible or blame her, it would be 100% his fault. I expect even if a naked woman was climbing on top of him he should say no, so I wouldn't blame her. I wouldn't however want her at family gatherings initially.

Oh, and the second one left him. Wanted 'a real man', rather than 'that gay boy', apparently, or so she informed me on a later occasion.

sounds very unlikely that he was abused in that way by two women. sorry what? Would you say that to a woman who came on here and said she’d been in two abusive relationships? No didn’t think so.

TBH I think that if you forgive the one who actually cheated then to not accept the person they cheated with is hipocritical in the extreme. And if the relationship lasts then that person isn’t the OW any more no matter what people choose to think.

As for feeling that someone who has been cheated on is entitled to feel bitter for the rest of their lives, they can feel how they like, but it doesn’t paint them in a good light at all. At some point everyone has to move on, including the cheated-on person.

A family member of mine left his partner for another woman. His family initially refused to have anything to do with him and were supportive to his ex, looking after her children and even lending her money. The ex constantly told them what a slut the other woman was, what an awful person and any number of other insults you could level at someone. Because they weren’t in touch with their son or her they believed the ex.

A couple of years down the line they began to rekindle their relationship with their DS. And at that point the x turned against them completely. Questioned how they dare have a relationship with their own son while she was the victim, turning the children against them, making them tell them that they refused to see them while they had a relationship with their father. She has also turned the DC against their father.

They have since met the OW and say that she is a lovely person, and none of the things the ex has said about her. They also now have a baby together, so that’s a relationship his parents would have missed out on otherwise.

While having an affair certainly wasn’t ideal, I think that the way the ex has behaved since says a lot about the type of relationship, and goes quite a long way towards explaining why it ended.

Relationships are complicated. It’s not always a loving wife that is left behind. And to be brutally honest, it’s not up to the parents to “forgive” as the affair wasn’t against them.

It’s too subjective answer and depends on characters involved.
A dh always treated with contempt by dw for years meets similar minded and similar aged soul mate or 50 ish wealthy man dumping kind and loving wife for younger sexier model.

My aunt left her husband for OM. 30 years on OM is still not accepted by most family members and aunt doesn't have a close relationship with her siblings ( her parents were both dead before the affair) , although she does attend weddings and funerals with OM.

If the husband is accepted and welcomed back into the family so should the OW. He was the one who betrayed the wife and hurt the family.

As long as everyone behaves nicely in the divorce, it should be okay with time. If the man tries to screw over his first wife and doesn't make any effort to see the kids I suspect that the OW would get the blame and it would never be harmonious.

This happened in my DH family. His DB cheated on his GF of ten years with a woman who had two kids. OW immediately started referring to people as her in laws, letting her kids call people Aunty and nanny etc. I found it really distasteful that we were supposed to forget the woman who had been part of the family for a decade. Made me wonder if I'd be treated the same if it had been my DH. I tried to keep in touch with her but she found it too difficult. 5 years later and I still haven't taken to the OW. Can't really stand BIL either though.

I would find it very difficult to be truly friendly with the OW but would of course be civil/polite

@MM29's experience is exactly the same in our family too - an uncle. It was made worse by the fact that OW was ex-wife's best friend. He was invited to family weddings but not her until years later and he missed out on a lot with his kids and grandkids. I hope it was worth it.

I would expect us to welcome the OW or OM, even if it's tricky at first, our family member would not be ostracised so we need to accept them sooner or later. I'd also expect us to retain a relationship with the ex if there were DC, or if they were particularly close to an IL then they might maintain that friendship outside family events. In real life in my wider family, almost all exes are still invited to the big family functions if they've had DC (and one who didn't). I don't think second partners (who also come) started out as an affair in any of the cases, but it also wouldn't be my business to ask.

@U2HasTheEdge would you question a woman saying she has been in successive abusive relationships?

I understand you are saying it with the affair angle but even then I've read posts on here were a woman that is in a abusive relationship starts an affair (quite often emotional)- I've never seen it being questioned. Instead we accept that quite often people fall into patterns in relationships and they are usually advised to do the Freedom Programme.

@MitziK I'm glad your BF has you to help him recognise the abuse. I'm also sorry that here and in RL he won't be believed but I hope he find the courage to speak up and encourage others to do the same.

I am going to have 'Team SIL' T shirts made and,wear them in front of bil when he's back from travelling the globe with the OW.
Love this

I don't think they should expect it as they are showing from the start they aren't very nice, untrustworthy and a bit of a slag to go with a married man.

It would take me a very long time, but it did take time to get to know dil's. We have a good relationship and I love them dearly.

The fact is that it is extremely rare for a man to be experience domestic abuse to that level that MitziK described. Extremely rare. MRA tend to use these examples to suggest that men are badly done by and are 'not believed'. Sorry but I just don't like to feed the MRA by really getting into it. Of course, there are some really devious and manipulative women. But it far less common for men to experience financial abuse, than women. Far, far less. This statistical fact lends itself to women being believed more, because by and large, women are more likely to be a victim of domestic abuse/financial abuse. It is what it is.

@saranade
What? In what world does 29% of straight men being victims of intimate partner violence = “extremely rare”? That is the facts madam, 29%. That is more than 1 in 4 men. That’s actually equivalent to to the number of women raped. Would you say that it’s “extremely rare” for a woman to be sexually assaulted “to that level?” It’s the same fucking %. And male victims of dv also face high levels of reluctance to report and disbelief.

And your justification for deliberately ignoring facts that don’t fit your bias because ......“MRAs” is infuriating! You are just as bad as a misogynist ignoring facts because....... “feminists”.

Drabarni
"they aren't very nice, untrustworthy and a bit of a slag to go with a married man."

What would that make your Son then? How did he turn out so bad with such loose morals? Are only women slags or the gatekeepers of sex?

Affairs are not mistakes, two people make a deliberate choice.

Marriages were not perfect original spouse was just not nice. Fine you deal with it correctly and end it or what ever is appropriate. It isnt ok to begin another relationship whilst already in another.

Its cowardly, entitled, deceitful, selfish...... you get the picture.

Regardless of what I think of the spouse left behind I would loose respect for those involved in the affair. If they can do that to the people they are so close to what kind of thing can they do to others.

My opinion is that its fine to move on from bad relationship but have the balls and decency to deal with it properly before you move on to the next one.

I would accept her existence because not everyone shares my views and thats fine but I wont like them much for it at all.

@DoctorAllcome Sigh. I deliberately said "to that level that MitziK described" And even EMPHASISED it. It seems you are not reading posts properly, in a hurry to have a gotchya moment. It isn't working.

I checked out your link. We were discussing FINANCIAL ABUSE, not so much physical. Regardless, the article states "Up to 29% of straight men in the U.S. have been the victim of physical violence by an intimate partner." Do you even realise that that includes if a wife ever even once threw a saucepan lid/kitchen implement at her husband? Or slapping him? Neither of them are acceptable however that is quite different to financial abuse that women usually suffer as the SAHMs, or beatings etc. You are conflating all these issues and attempting to muddy the waters. It is typical MRA behaviour and doesn't make you look good.