Should OW expect to be welcomed into family?

[Nattyjackie]

Scenario: woman has long term affair with man with kids. Wider family (mother, siblings) find out. Marriage breaks down and man moves on with OW. Long term should the OW expect to be welcomed and accepted by family?

Please put aside Man's role in this for the moment which is of course the instigator of all this. I'm really interested in what the OWs expectations should be towards wider family.

I would say that OW shouldn't expect to be welcomed any time soon. It'll be more of a long term commitment in terms of winning them over. People make mistakes and it's a shame when they are defined by those forever. I wouldn't be initially welcoming to an OW but with time I would eventually make the effort to get to know them etc.

I agree with SGB about the fetishisation of monogamy. Also to blame is unrealistic expectations that women often have of their marriage often tied up with codepency to maintain standards of living which makes the separation feel much trickier.

My ex DH did cheat on me a couple of times I think but there was other stuff which was much worse and hurtful. Through it all I would never have expected my family to take sides or shun him and we always kept up a polite relationship for the kids. Afterwards, I was genuinely glad that he had found someone to make him happy and that we could move on.

The difference was probably that I had not bought into the fairy tale of “til death us do part”, hadn’t built my entire life round him and was totally financially independent.

Not a chance.
Other woman would be quietly tolerated but never accepted in my family. And that would be after a considerable amount of time.

It's not about being accepted.
They may pretend to accept you.
The fact remains you are immoral and no decent person wants to associate with an immoral person.
Your partner is their blood so they can't really cut him off .

Interesting that you say the man is the instigator as though the OW had no choice???

Hmmm very emotive.

Depends on the circumstances. I would say tolerated rather than welcomed but it depends on the details.

No one is going to excuse an affair but realistically, if you love the person responsible (family) you need to mind your own business and support them for no other reason than they must have been really unhappy in the 1st place and would you really rather they were miserable for the rest of their life just to fit your moral code of conduct?

If you want to be pissed off at their shitty behaviour, fine, but at some point you need to build a bridge and get over it. Particularly if kids are involved.

would you really rather they were miserable for the rest of their life

Who is saying 'for the rest of their life'? It is not an either/or scenario. You separate/divorce and then enter a new relationship. Is 6 months/a year 'rest of their life'? Are they truly unable to control themselves for 6 months at least as they split from the OH?

I thought this too

In my experience there are a lot of different factors that have to be taken into consideration. In my case my partner had separated from his wife when we met but hadn’t told his parents at first. I was though welcomed fully into my partners family much more so than by my in-laws when I got married! My partner was so worried about introducing me as his father had previously said about one of his relatives that she should be stoned for living in sin with a someone who had a child from a previous relationship! This made me very worried on our first visit but they couldn’t have been nicer. They never actually got on very well with his wife, had realised for years that she hadn’t made him happy and was pleased that he had found someone that would make him happy. They had lost two children over the years and that’s all they wanted for their remaining son - to be loved and be happy. His own three children (all over 20’s) also couldn’t have been more welcoming. One of them recently said that they wanted me at a birthday event (mum wasn’t going to be there) and when my partner said that he didn’t have to invite me - it wasn’t a problem - he said why wouldn't we? You make each other happy, we like her and she’s part of the family. On the other hand my XH’s family were very bitter twisted types and I am sure would have never considered any welcome for anyone who did anything to their son! It takes all sorts

I found out recently that my very much loved nephew has been having an affair. He has been married 10 years, and his DW is lovely. He wants us all to welcome the OW, though.

I am old enough and experienced enough to think that affairs are very rarely about shagging. It's very easy to say 'leave first, then start shagging someone else' - but life doesn't always work out that way. I'm deeply sorry about DNephew, and still am still very friendly with his DW. However... I'm not in their marriage. Nobody knows what goes on in someone else's marriage. I am not exactly going to fall in love with the OW myself. But at the same time, she means something to my nephew, and in this kind of very difficult situation, the more people show a bit of understanding and flexibility, the better it is for everyone. I don't think his relationship with the OW will last, FWIW, but that's up to them to work out.

Nimello
No I ended the friendship because she repeatedly kept getting fall down drunk and having one night stands and sleeping with a few married men. She wouldn't accept help and was on a destructive spiral and I was being pulled down too. I at first tried to help but she was a weight, so it was all those things.

Would I end a friendship over one night stands? No

Would I end a friendship if my friends knowingly goes for married men? Absolutely.

I think Camilla and Charles are a totally different kettle of fish. I honestly think he would have happily married Camilla but that wasn't an option at the time. Even nowadays, I don't believe for a second that, if William had fallen in love with a 42 year old divorcee with children he would have been allowed to marry her.

Thanks, Flirtygirl. I would also struggle to maintain a friendship in those circumstances - though it would be the whole car-crash lifestyle that would scare me off, I think.

I do know a woman whose entire raison d'etre seems to be getting other people's husbands into bed. I know the men don't have to say yes (and I am sure my DP hasn't), but I still loathe her for trying.

NC for this.

My father left for the OW.

Years later, I invited him to my wedding - but told him not to bring Vagina with him.

She's always referred to as 'Vagina' between me and my siblings. So no, she will never, ever be accepted or welcomed.

Even nowadays, I don't believe for a second that, if William had fallen in love with a 42 year old divorcee with children he would have been allowed to marry her.

Eh? Camilla wasn't a 42 year old divorcee when they fell in love

With the other friend I ended it because she was shagging her married boss And I was sick of seeing how she treated her child. Not enough to get social services involved but enough that I didn't want to be around her and I couldn't help him.

My Dad left my Mum for OW when I was 13. Mum was heavily pregnant with an unplanned baby, tried to commit suicide and my sister and I ended up sofa surfing with relations while Mum spent nearly a year in a mental hospital. Barely saw Dad during that time, he drifted in and out of our lives for many years. Fast forwarding to when I had my 1st DD aged 22, Mum said that we had include Dad and in her defence, she welcomed both him and the OW into the family. There was always an element of broken trust tbh, and I was very wary of OW even though eventually she became a sort of friend. When she died from cancer aged 38, there was an element deep in me that believed in karma though........ and I'm not proud of that.

It's so hard when that person has had 50% responsibility for ripping a family apart. I don't think there is a right or wrong.

I would be civil but that’s it. No relationship, and as little contact as possible. People who cheat (both parties) show you who they are. It’s not the character of someone I want in my life.

This is how I feel. I would want very little to do with either the OW or the cheating husband. I don't trust people who are capable of that sort of cruelty and deception. And before anyone says, "But you weren't the one who was cheated on!" - well, no, but it says a lot about their values. Similarly, I wouldn't be friends with a racist, even though I'm white.

If my boys were to leave their wives for other women, I would tell them once how bitterly disappointed I was in them, and then I'd move on and try to forge a relationship with the OW.

I would always, always, make room in our family for their first wives, even if it made the OW uncomfortable.

she hadn’t made him happy

I don't understand this argument at all. Not withstanding the fact that 'she' (wife) obviously 'made him happy' enough for him to MARRY her, and have children with her. Why is the onus on HER to make him happy? Maybe he didn't make HER happy, ever thought about that? But the difference was she believed in her vows, the promises she made to him and didn't decide to look for 'something new' and believed in making marriage work? We all have responsibility for our own happiness to a certain extent.

And if someone makes you happy enough that you choose to marry them and promise to be with the forever, til death do you part, but no longer does make you happy, then maybe you should try communicating and/or counselling. How about that as an idea, instead of what is more likely to be the case - to get 'bored', and move onto someone new for the excitement?

Why is it the wife's responsibility to make him happy, why isn't it their joint responsibility to make each other happy and stick to the promises that they made each other? They certainly made each other happy then! Marriage is excuse my language, fucking hard work! If you just want to sit back, let someone else make you happy and give up when you're bored, then you'll never be truly happy, you'll continue to chase an illusion of happiness. Sorry, but it would not surprise me if he wasn't at least a little unhappy even now. I think OWs delude themselves into thinking the man being unhappy was his exe's fault, and they can make him happy when his ex can't. Happiness is an internal state of being, and I do not believe someone who can be happy enough to propose/marry a person for the rest of their life can suddenly become unhappy and the OW make him happy. Nope. Delusional. He will be checking others others out, and he will eventually leave you, too. But not before he has someone lined up.
The narrative will then be the same 'she didn't make me happy'. OW are fools and get what they deserve eventually. Same goes for OM of course.

I’m not sure why the OW wouldn’t or shouldn’t be accepted but somehow the man gets out scotch free.

Imo either you accept them both or you don’t.
Otherwise you are somehow giving the message the OW is the only person responsible.
In the case of the OP, as the Male family member isn’t ostracised or treated differently, then so should the OW/new partner

Depends on the situation. I dont think OW/OM/Cheater should expect anything, that would be very entitled of them.

Would i accept? A sibling yes, parent no.

We accepted duncles OW, no one liked at first as we didn't know anything of her. Everyone was accepting but not welcome wagoning her and duncle for a long while as they hurt the kids and ddil. After a decade and more kids, she left duncle and kids for OM.

Other one was a friend whose dad cheated with the wife's best friend. The two families were so close and extended family interlinked and there was so much pain and upset for all the kids, who largely ended up ignored in favour of golden kids who belonged to the cheaters. The ex dil and the OW exhusband are still involved with their extended families but it's very very tense and they have little to do with each other. The cheats are selfish and do as they like but none of the family and friends trusts or likes them. Their parents are really disgusted by the way they went about things and their treatment of their exes and kids.

Because there is so much pressure to fetishize and practice monogamy, affairs are very common. And quite often they are for the best: a marriage has been unsatisfactory or even abusive for some time, but it's only when a new person appears on the scene that the impetus is there to get out of the shit marriage.

And the more a dumped person clings onto and exhibits bitterness (particularly if they go on whining for years) the more other people are inclined to think, well, no wonder you got dumped for someone else.

Of course, another aspect to this, if someone is a sort of reverse-monogamy-fetishist ie repeatedly moving on to someone new, just with a bit of an affair-overlap, you can end up with all the discarded exes finding commong ground and becoming friends, particularly if they have DC who are half-siblings.

Sara Nade - you’re rather foolish to stake everything on “til death us do part” considering half of marriages end in divorce. You can hope of course but it’s like flipping a coin. Your view of marriage sounds like a rather joyless life sentence. No shock that many people decide not to live their life like that.