Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should OW expect to be welcomed into family?

476 replies

Nattyjackie · 29/09/2019 11:53

Scenario: woman has long term affair with man with kids. Wider family (mother, siblings) find out. Marriage breaks down and man moves on with OW. Long term should the OW expect to be welcomed and accepted by family?

Please put aside Man's role in this for the moment which is of course the instigator of all this. I'm really interested in what the OWs expectations should be towards wider family.

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 29/09/2019 11:55

Depends on too many things to say. Personally, on that little detail, I think she can’t complain if they want nothing to do with her, but I might be open to changing my mind.

isseywithcats · 29/09/2019 11:55

Accepted but not neccessarily welcomed and if OW went into it with eyes open and knowing man was married with kids should accept that it will always be the elephant in the room that their relationship started as an affair

redcarbluecar · 29/09/2019 11:58

Well, depends on the circumstances etc, but as the OW in this scenario I think I’d expect to have to work quite hard, potentially for a long time, for trust / acceptance.

WorraLiberty · 29/09/2019 11:58

I think it's down to the individual people and how badly they were affected by the affair.

Long term it would be easier and more practical to accept they're staying together and act accordingly, but that doesn't mean certain people will be able to do it.

museumum · 29/09/2019 12:00

Politely tolerated I’d say more than actively welcomed. Any new children would be welcomed as it’s not their fault at all.

Merryoldgoat · 29/09/2019 12:00

Well. Ultimately yes, I suppose they should. But they probably need to accept it will take some time and there will be some anger and bitterness.

They’d also need to accept that there may be established rituals and dynamics that will not change and have to be accepted. Eg: my MIL has DS twice a week and we have a lovely friendship separate from my DH. I would not relinquish that and I would encourage the relationship with my children as they adore each other.

MM29 · 29/09/2019 12:00

From experience-
FIL left MIL for OW 11 years ago
DH and his sibling were adults already

Took a long time to have anything to do with OW.
DH would see his dad separate to OW
OW not invited to our wedding 7years ago

We do now occasionally have family meals with OW and DH and sibling are civil to OW, she might pop in with FIL for a coffee at the weekend but we don’t go out our way to have a relationship with her

It’s resulted in FIL not having an active role in our or our DC lives and he misses out a lot he is also closer to OW children and grandchildren now which is hard for DH

In a nutshell we have not been able to smooth it all over and there are fractions between Dh and his dad and we see and involve them in very little

GinNotGym19 · 29/09/2019 12:02

Not at first but eventually I think ow should be accepted. How long can people punish a person for a mistake?
It’s obviously not ideal and wrong but I do feel in these situations the ow gets more blame and consequences than the man that was actually married does.

Stuckinanutshell · 29/09/2019 12:02

The priority should be the first partner and children as if bridges are damaged with the first wife it could impact relationship with the children. The OW will need to be included to some extent - again to maintain a connection to husband and children but I think every effort should always be made to ensure the first wife is absolutely backed and supported.

sauvignonblancplz · 29/09/2019 12:03

Ohhh so much pain & wounds. I always think time is a great healer, but the focus should always be on the children and the partner who has been blindsided by the affair.
That is assuming all things would be equal, i.e there’s no abuse or anything more sinister going on.
The OW is not the focus here and they should happily respect that if they love the partner that their family comes first .

Rainbowhairdontcare · 29/09/2019 12:04

I know a family who had both accepted the OM and the OW (a brother and sister who had an affair respectively)

Drogosnextwife · 29/09/2019 12:04

Maybe with the extended family, but not with the man's wife.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/09/2019 12:04

I don’t think she can complain if they want nothing to do with her. I wouldn’t but have a strong moral compass so the male in the family would have to work extremely hard to earn forgiveness for breaking his marriage vows.

There’s never a valid reason for an affair. Leave the relationship if unhappy and then starting a relationship a while after has no bitterness, betrayal etc.

user1493413286 · 29/09/2019 12:04

I think so; if my sister did that then we’d welcome the “other man” into the family. We’d tell the member of our family that we’re disappointed in them and not be happy with how it all came about but at the end of the day my sister or whichever family member is still part of the family and you wouldn’t want to lose them by not welcoming their partner into the family.
I’d also want to maintain a good relationship with the now ex as well for the sake of the children involved and I’d hope that they understood that ultimately loyalties lie with the person who is in the family

HunterHearstHelmsley · 29/09/2019 12:05

If it were my parents, I wouldn't welcome an OW/OM. If it were my siblings, I would.

Lavendersquare · 29/09/2019 12:05

I don't think that OW should be welcomed into the family, I would find it very difficult to do this if it was my family. That said I also don't think that the OW can be excluded from the family for ever so at some point in the future when things have cooled down the OW will need to be accepted, but this will always be tricky.

I work with someone who was the OW in a marriage break up, the man was married with 3 very young children, she's not related to me in any way and I still think they both behaved appallingly 12 years after it all happened. The fact that the wife was a SAHM and ended up on benefits as a result whilst the exh and OW bought a large detached property I think was incredibly cruel, not to mention the many Florida holidays they went on without the children and yes they did the whole Disney thing!

silly248 · 29/09/2019 12:06

Man has long term affair which would indicate the previous marriage not perfect.
Marriage breaks down and man stays with OW which indicates he is happy with OW.
If the man was my son or brother I would work hard to be happy for him and inclusive. Much harder if it’s your parents I guess

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/09/2019 12:07

How long can people punish a person for a mistake

A mistake is picking up sugar instead of salt. An affair isn’t a mistake, both parties know what they are doing and do it anyway.

chamenanged · 29/09/2019 12:07

If it were my parents, I wouldn't welcome an OW/OM. If it were my siblings, I would.

Same here, come to think of it.

WickedLemon · 29/09/2019 12:07

We’ve had this in my family.

The OW was welcomed and accepted as the partner of the man. Everyone is civil.

But there has never been (and probably never will be) a warm loving relationship like there was with the mans ex.

There are no ‘new children’ and I do wonder if that would make a difference.

AlexaShutUp · 29/09/2019 12:07

Accepted and tolerated but not welcomed, imo. It would be difficult to respect either half of a couple in this situation tbh, as both are clearly lacking in any moral compass, but I guess you could say that they deserve each other at least.

I would expect other family members to be polite, however, and not to hark back to what had happened.

hazell42 · 29/09/2019 12:08

Just happened?
Not a dog's chance
20 years ago?
Would be civil. But would never forget.
Goes double or the husband.

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2019 12:08

Accepted not necessarily welcomed. Marriages break down, they end, and yes sometimes other people are involved, and if that proves to be a valid relationship then the kids should accept the new partner and potentially welcome them dependent on what they know of the marriage breakdown.

It is a very hard thing though. Very hard.

ChicCroissant · 29/09/2019 12:08

Not at first but eventually I think ow should be accepted. How long can people punish a person for a mistake?

It's not a mistake - it's a deliberate decision to cheat. It doesn't happen by accident, only ever by choice.

Bibijayne · 29/09/2019 12:09

I think the OW would be naive to think she'd be welcomed by his children and wider family.