Should OW expect to be welcomed into family?

[Nattyjackie]

Scenario: woman has long term affair with man with kids. Wider family (mother, siblings) find out. Marriage breaks down and man moves on with OW. Long term should the OW expect to be welcomed and accepted by family?

Please put aside Man's role in this for the moment which is of course the instigator of all this. I'm really interested in what the OWs expectations should be towards wider family.

My hubby left me for OW. His family all knew about her, before me. His family knew her family. I'm the one who has been blanked by his family. OW accepted immediately...in fact they both lived with hubby's sister at first as OW had left her hubby too. Hubby's family were all annoyed with me because I refused to let our 7yr old DD meet OW straight away, as she had enough to cope with. ....so they just introduced her to DD anyway!
The reason for hubbys affair was cos I was married to my job...I really wasn't.. I worked full time, he did 2 evenings a week. I did all housework, shopping etc & homework & playing with DD. What I did "wrong" was expect him to help!

Generally, I would say OW should be accepted eventually, as she may be around for a very long time. But maybe she needs to earn their respect.

Really, all depends on circumstances though.

Totally depends on everyone involved.

Is ex-wife an arsehole and they are grateful he's with anyone but her?

Is new partner an arsehole and they wish he was with anyone but her?

Does ex-wife still expect to have the same relationship with ex's family (not under the impression that she has to have one, when it's the DC that actually need one)

If me and DH split up (through affair or otherwise), and someone else was better suited to him, would I expect DH's family to treat her dismissively on some kind of loyalty to me? No. Would I expect them to treat me dismissively because I was no longer "the wife"....No.

I think if a family feels some brazen hussy has swept their poor son away from his wonderful wife, then of course they'll struggle to warm to her, at least at first.

Should an ex-wife expect them to behave like that because that's howshe feels (but not how it's seen by others, including his family)... absolutely not.

Depends. Was it recent? How has he and her behaved since?

Have they tried to be respectful of the wifes feelings, the kids feelings the wider families feelings?

Or have they been one of these couples that try and force everyone including the kids, to just get over it?

Not sure how that isn't also partly your DH's fault though @MM29.

If FIL loved the OW and was no longer in love with your MIL, and they wanted a long term steady relationship, that is their business. Your DH was a grown man. Yes MIL would have been hurt but was FIL expected to stay in a marriage he didn't want to be in? Most don't leave their SO until something that's a better fit comes along. Affairs aren't black and white, they're all shades of grey. And your DH as an adult should have been able to comprehend that at least. He can't be sad about the lack of relationship when he hasn't haven't actively encouraged a better one.

By the mans family, of course she should. It’s not ideal, far from it, but life is too short imo. Imagine if it turned into a long term relationship with children, you’d be cutting off so much for the sake of a relationship ending in a less than ideal way in the past.

I think if you forgive the family member for having a long term affair then it is hypocritical to exclude the OW.

No point pretending your moral compass is too strong but that doesn't apply to your family.

It really depends on the family and the circumstances. It would be tough but eventually you would accept the OW I think, the alternative would be not seeing your brother/family member which isn’t that appealing for most people who have a good relationship with their family.

@SaraNade

Depends which one was the mistake. In my friends case the 1st marriage was the mistake, not the subsequent "affair" and 2nd marriage.

Well surely no one should expect to be welcomed into a family, should they? Its nice if you are get on, but if they don't like you they don't like you. I'd expect politeness if we had to spend time together, but nothing more. It's up to her Dp/Dh, if he's not comfortable with how his family treat her he should discuss it with them and if she's not happy with how her Dp/Dh deals with it then she's got a Dp/Dh problem.

Hugely variable depending on situation. I think if the extended family don't accept the OW it would negatively impact on their relationship with the man in question and maybe prevent a relationship with any DCs from the second marriage and I can really see why most families wouldn't want to have that happen.

Having said that, in the case of the one affair in my family, the exW were absolutely kept involved in the family and the H and OW excluded. I've actually never met her, although we do big extended family gatherings for Xmas and birthdays etc. In that case exW was very close to the extended family and the DCs involved (all teens) also didn't want their dad around as they felt he'd behaved really badly.

I think that if you maintain a relationship with the cheating husband then it's pretty hypocritical to refuse to speak to OW. Unfortunately we are conditioned by a sexist society to blame women for men's sexual behaviour.

My uncle (DF brother) had an affair and my mom was civil with her but not welcoming (I was early teens). They had a child and my mom accepted it as she didn't want the DC to be treated differently. My aunt (was the ow) is absolutely lovely and has admitted it was a mistake and her biggest regret. But they have been married for 20 years and are very happy. DC from both marriages get along really well. His ex wife never remarried or had a long term relationship and is still very bitter and for this reason we don't see her at all now (my DM supported her a lot initially - the kids lived with us for a short time as she couldn't cope).

I think it does depend on the relationship but eventually I think most people accept OM/OW.

Depends but hypocritical to forgive the man but not the woman. Fuck 'em both.

DP had an affair and left his marriage to be with the OW. What the people who still think he's a POS don't know is that he was on the receiving end of coercive control - with a side order of 'my best friend knows people and it's only because I said not to bother right now that you are still walking'.

What they also don't know when he finally left the OW (I started seeing him about a year later) is that after he left his wife/escaped one abusive situation, he was then being subjected to financial abuse, gaslighting, not being allowed to eat and a lot of pushes, shoves & barging over under the description of 'you got in the way', 'you made me angry', 'don't be ridiculous, you're mad, you've imagined it'.

He didn't realise that they were both abusive. It was pretty chilling over the time we were dating to hear him casually mention things that, were they to be posted here by a woman, we'd all be screaming LTB/ducks in a row/red flag parade/women's aid can help you/do the Freedom Course. And of course he hasn't spoken of these things to anybody else - he's embarrassed and doesn't want to cause any trouble/get the resulting tirades of abuse and threats.

To think that some posters here would attempt to coerce someone like him into staying in an abusive marriage or relationship because they didn't like rejection, well, it's hardly a badge of honour for them.

This happened to one of my friends about 30 years ago (her dad cheated) the OW is tolerated by the ( now grown up) kids and invited to events out of politeness but she'll never be really accepted.

My Uncle was trapped in a loveless marriage. He started an affair with a neighbour. He then left and married her.

Ponoka7 he can't have been that 'trapped'. He after all, was able to leave his marriage for the neighbour. If he was truly trapped, he would not have been able to leave, at all. If he was able to leave with the neighbour, he was able to leave before the neighbour. He clearly wasn't trapped, but waited until he had someone lined up. Then he chose to leave. So, he wasn't trapped at all. It's an old truism that most men never leave a marriage until they have the next woman already lined up.

His ex wife never remarried or had a long term relationship and is still very bitter and for this reason we don't see her at all now

Do you ever think about what it is to be on the receiving end of an affair and the impact that can have on you? I don’t consider myself bitter - my marriage wasn’t great but it wasn’t unhappy or abusive, just a bit boring and I accept my ex wanted more - but I did love my ex and the life we had built and would have welcomed frank discussion over an affair and would have been happier to end the relationship without the need for years of betrayal if that’s what he wanted.. I can’t tell you how devastating it was and the impact it has had - long term - on my ability to trust and therefore my ability to maintain a relationship. I remain hopeful and open but it is my ability to afford therapy, good friends, pragmatic family, that have kept me afloat. I have very much moved on even if not remarried but am amazed at how many people shout ‘bitter’ when someone is long term single. It’s not bitterness, necessarily. The damage done by an affair can be enormous and shouldn’t be dismissed. My life changed the day my ex walked out and I am very much a different person because of his actions.

Camilla is a good example of the OW, I do wonder how welcomed into the family she has been made to feel.

My bil has in the past 3 years left his wife of 30+ years for a very much younger model, 25 years younger in fact. I have told dh that whilst I will let bail in the house, the OW is not crossing my threshold. I have not forgiven bil, and the fact that he peddles the line that the OW was a 'symptom, not a cause' of the breakdown. My lovely sil didn't see this coming, and although the kids are adults, so it impacts marginally less on them, my sil has lost her home, marriage and future expectations.

I am going to have 'Team SIL' T shirts made and,wear them in front of bil when he's back from travelling the globe with the OW.

If the family of the man who fucked a woman who isn't his wife thereby causing the marital breakdown is still welcomed, then I suppose when the "other woman" stops being that and becomes his "second wife" or "new partner", she should also be welcomed.
It's a bit of a race to the bottom to be fair, although on MN it's generally assumed the poor defenceless man had his dick physically thrust into someone else without his consent.

I think that if you maintain a relationship with the cheating husband then it's pretty hypocritical to refuse to speak to OW. Unfortunately we are conditioned by a sexist society to blame women for men's sexual behaviour.
Totally agree with this!!

It's none of the parents and siblings business, so yes, of course they should accept the OW. Unless there's a genuine reason for refusing to even meet someone - a paedophile or convicted drug dealer would be one - the family has no right to judge and decide if someone is "worthy" to be part of the family.

Would siblings like if if the others were refusing to accept their own partners?

They don't have to accept her children as their own, because they are not, but they should accept the OW as much as they accepted the 1st wife.

People and relationships are very complex so it can't be a one size fits all. I know I am very close to a couple of my sisters-in-law. If my brother (or husband's brother) cheated on them for a prolonged period, and separated I would still maintain the relationship with my sister-in-law and might find myself avoiding being in company with the cheating spouse and new woman.

I suppose out of loyalty to my friend I wouldn't actively seek out a friendship/relationship with the cheating couple.

Are the family not exactly welcoming you with open arms, OP?

My ex had an affair. When my children are old enough, I will be making it clear to them that I won’t accept them having affairs and will have the bare minimum to do with them if they do. I will also write said child out of my will. I know that’s drastic, but the impact my ex’s actions have had on us all long term should be enough to deter such behaviour

Sotiredofthislife that is, to my mind, far more shocking and distressing than someone having an affair.

Nobody knows what goes on in anyone else's relationship. Some very good people have affairs. Some very shitty people don't.

However hurt you might be about your ex having an affair, I can't believe you'd take it out on your children by deliberately and calculatedly abandoning them. There's no reason why they shouldn't know how hurtful an affair can be, and there's no reason why you should condone it, if it ever came to it. But a deliberate and calculated abandonment of your own child would make you far worse than an unfaithful spouse.

Surely though if the OW was to be shut out by the family then the family member who had the affair should also be excluded. Both are as guilty as the other.