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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can't forget this comment

148 replies

Dcle · 29/09/2019 06:33

Grateful for any practical advice. Out walking yesterday with husband and our 3 year old.

2 girls with 3 large dogs and 3 children were walking towards us. The 3 dogs jumping all over our daughter who was crying with fright. We called to the girls "please can you get them off, get them on lead" Cross exchange of words followed where they said "dogs were just trying to see why she was upset" and we said they needed to keep them under control.

As we walked away (carrying terrified wailing daughter) one of the girls shouted to my husband "you want to get your dog on a lead, have you seen the face on that" - pointing to me

I'm not attractive, know that, always have done - but I'm happy, loved, loving and good at my job etc so I've just got on with my life and tried not to think about it. But they've got into my head and now I feel crushed.

Has anyone got practical tips for moving on from this sort of stuff? Now I'm thinking God am I just ignorant of this and really need to get myself sorted out. My DH and I haven't discussed it, we both I think pretending we didn't hear it.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 29/09/2019 12:40

The older I get the more my concept of beauty changes. Niceness, kindness shines out of people for me these days and that's what I find beautiful. The flip side is that I can see spite and nastiness in people too and those people are ugly to me. I'm pretty sure it would have been those girls I thought were ugly in this scenario OP, not you Flowers

Straycatstrut · 29/09/2019 12:48

What if her dog had bitten your DD's face? Or caused her to fall over and bang her head? You're all very lucky that didn't happen. You dared to speak the obvious about her total lack of control over her dog and she didn't like that because she KNEW you were right.

Her comment was pathetic to be honest. Was she about 16? About that level. I'd have ignored her too because people like this LOVE a reaction. She'd have loved a gobby verbal fest in the middle of the street, to show off in front of an audience.

I have a very bouncy young spaniel and she's kept on a lead unless a very big wide open space. If little kids appear I grab her because she gets very excited around them and wants to play.

Straycatstrut · 29/09/2019 12:51

^^ also just re-read that it was THREE large dogs. Even worse!

I have a 3 year old and a spaniel PUPPY, 14 weeks, and she overpowers him easily! I have to constantly supervise and seperate when she gets too hyper.

wichitalinemanswoman · 29/09/2019 12:57

The woman said it because that's all she could think of to say and it's a generic 'bound to upset someone' comment hence why used. You could be a super model and the same comment would have been made. Says more about her than you. Your attractiveness is not dependent on the opinions of others. Who is to say whether you are attractive or not? It's all relative. But be assured that her opinion should mean sweet f a to you. Be happy with who you are and just be thankful you're not a person like her.

Ponoka7 · 29/09/2019 12:59

As said don't take that comment personally.

I was beautiful, by any beauty standards, I'm now in my 50's. I've been called ugly. My DD, size 6, martial arts/gym etc has been called fat. If it isn't how you look it's the go to, slut/slag.

A woman has just been killed locally by her two dogs. I've heatd of a few people being killed by their non aggressive, own dogs. You can't tell how multiple dogs will react.

They knew they were in the wrong and felt the, pathetic need to react back.

HaileySherman · 29/09/2019 13:27

I'm sorry they said that but I am positive they were thinking they were clever and would have said it to anyone who was in the situation, I really doubt it had anything to do with the way you look. Sounds like you have low self esteem and so you took it to heart. Rest assured that most people would agree that anyone who would say something like that is uglier than anyone else. Put the whole thing behind you.

AMAM8916 · 29/09/2019 14:09

I think these total idiots would have said this to anyone as that's the maturity and the only thing these clowns can think up in their little minds.

Good luck to them I say. If only looks are what's important to them, they won't get far in life!

I've got this image of them that they are the type to pull those ridiculous duck faces for 'selfies' and have 'live, laugh, love' on their feature wall in their living room but clearly pay zero attention to it!

Ellapaella · 29/09/2019 14:12

Agree she only said it because she wanted to hurt you - it was a spiteful comment designed to make you feel like this because she didn't like being told off about her dog. She would have made the same comment to anyone no matter what they looked like.
There is a certain kind of person who gets some strange pleasure from being spiteful and hurting peoples feelings - it stems from a very ugly part of their personality and says far more about them than you. Bullies often comment on the thing they are actually most insecure about themselves as they assume others will have the same insecurities.
Try not to give it anymore headspace OP - I hope you're feeling better today.

Bishbosh84 · 29/09/2019 14:24

You could’ve been the most beautiful woman in the world and they still would’ve said it because the comment doesn’t reflect you. It reflects them.

readingismycardio · 29/09/2019 14:31

You could’ve been the most beautiful woman in the world and they still would’ve said it because the comment doesn’t reflect you. It reflects them.

This + the fact that it's not about them it's about you. If you didn't have a low self esteem this wouldn't have touched you in any way. But you believe about yourself that you're ugly. And this needs to stop. Work on liking yourself, you only have one life and it's too short to put yourself down.

tiajon · 29/09/2019 14:33

Yes, it's nothing to do with how you look! Totally just trying to say the most hurtful thing possible at the time. Try not to give it another thought. 💐

PennyNotSoWise · 29/09/2019 14:43

I got this in school, was about 15 and the teacher asked me a hypothetical question about the subject we were doing, something like "what about when you grow up and have kids, how would you feel if..." and a girl scoffed really loudly and said "yeah right." As in, who'd want to have kids with me. Fucking stung like hell, and the whole class laughed as well, even my friends next to me, and the teacher said nothing. Even now, 11 years on I still beat myself up with what she said when I'm really down, and to make it worse the girl probably doesn't even remember me any more!

You embarrassed them by (rightfully) pulling them up on their dogs, and their, behaviour, and they wanted to embarrass you back in the lowest possible way. It's not you, it's them. Give your little one a cuddle, you mean the world to her, they'll fester in their own venom. Fuck 'em.

VenusTiger · 29/09/2019 14:58

Their comment was in context with the situation: their dogs and your (expected) angry look on your face. They would have made the same comment to Kate Moss.
Try and remember bullies treat everyone the same. They don’t care who they are.

Euromillsplz · 29/09/2019 15:51

the whole class laughed as well, even my friends next to me, and the teacher said nothing

I'm a teacher and let me tell you I relish make point of bringing bullies down a peg or two (in the most professional way possible of course). I'd have made sure that girl was the red faced one, and that the rest of the class were ashamed for laughing along.

I agree with all the comments on here OP. It had everything to do with them. Flowers

cannycat20 · 29/09/2019 16:06

I'm just betting you have a lovely smile that lights up a room. I'm just betting that your "aura", for want of a better word, is warm and welcoming and makes people feel cherished. And I'd also hazard a guess that you and your family were dressed sensibly for the weather, instead of skirts so short they might as well be belts, or trousers so tight they can't have been doing their lady bits any good at all; and tiny little kitten heels or the like...

I went through my schooldays having to put up with stupid comments like those from those girls you encountered - I found it interesting what a pp said about "rough areas" as that's exactly where I grew up, and basically, a lot of the people I went to school with, unfortunately, had been trained, more or less, to go for what they perceived as the weakest point. So for me, I was small, a bit overweight, couldn't run very fast, not fashionable, not interested in the slightest in fashion or pop music, very plain, very poor, and wore glasses. It's one of the reasons I ended up so sarcastic - I got to the stage where I'd get the insults in first before they could, and they got so scared I'd turn my tongue on them I got left alone some of the time. I also practised saying "Drop Dead and do the world a favour" in a tone that made it sound like I meant it on occasions....

The other people I encountered who made comments about how plain I was were (wait for it) a so-called "Christian" sect....(I wasn't a member, I was visiting a friend who'd been taken in by them after years of being a splendidly amusing lapsed Catholic. They were a lot more fun as a lapsed Catholic and thankfully are now a happily lapsed Catholic once again. This was one of many comments throughout the weekend that made me wonder why my friend couldn't see through them.)

I got those comments not because I wasn't attractive in my own way, as one early ex put it; I got picked on because I wasn't fashionable and didn't really care about having the best designer labels (partly as we couldn't afford them but partly as I just didn't care. I still don't understand why some parts of society fawn over "influencers" and celebrities. It's all made up, and it's starting to unravel, thank God). My mother used to tell me not to take it to heart, but of course I did: it took several burned bits of paper/paper flushed down the loo/plasticine effigies before I felt better. A friend of mine who was also small and plump used to take to writing things in the sand and jumping up and down on the words and chucking stones at it until she felt better; the tide used to come in and take the words away, and with it, quite a lot of her anger and upset.

And the amusing thing is, we've both aged far better than just about all of our contemporaries. (There's one exception, but I forgive her as she's a lovely person.)

Those girls should remember - their mirrors might tell them they're the height of what's fashionable and attractive now (though I bet they're not, in reality), but we all age. And some "pretty" people don't age all that well. I've worked with people who were told they were dazzlingly beautiful in their youth (apparently - they were blonde, anyway, and slim before they had kids) and oh boy, have they taken getting older hard. One of them told me "you get invisible to men as you get older". And it made me laugh out loud, since I spent most of my life being "invisible to men".

Besides which, illness, stress, life - all leave their mark one way or another. Being basically kind and thoughtful and looking after others and good at what you do will last far, far longer than being a painted stick insect.

And as for their behaviour with the dogs and not calling them off when they were obviously upsetting your little 'un - one day it might be their kid that's being traumatised. One day it might be them. And it's hardly unheard of for those kind of untrained dogs to turn on their owners. They sound like utter twits and you sound lovely, kind, sensitive, and a great mum and wife.

(Though if it won't go away, I would recommend writing it down on a bit of paper and either burning it in a mini-barbecue, ripping it up and chucking it down the loo, or writing it in the sand and jumping up and down on it if you're anywhere near a beach. They're all very therapeutic. Ahem.)

Yabbers · 29/09/2019 19:16

2 girls with 3 large dogs and 3 children were walking towards us.

I’m confused, 2 girls and 3 children, so that’s 5 children? Why would you let children’s comments bother you?

EmpressLesbianInChair · 29/09/2019 19:38

I’m confused, 2 girls and 3 children, so that’s 5 children? Why would you let children’s comments bother you?

I’m assuming the older girls were in their late teens.

Dcle · 29/09/2019 19:41

Appreciate I have said thank you before but just wanted to thank everyone again for both the kind words and the practical advice. I'll try some of those things! I'm so sorry that so many other people on here have had similar experiences, sending you all flowers and hugs

I am definitely with you all, we have to keep on being decent people. I did reflect to myself today that we passed 4 other families after the insulting / crazy dog ones on the walk yesterday - and every other group managed their dogs AND was pleasant, so on balance I'm going to try and remember that and not focus on the negative. Thank you again so much. We've had a nice day today and I feel better about it than I did first thing, so thank you all x

OP posts:
Dcle · 29/09/2019 19:43

Sorry and yes the older girls were late teens. Sign of my early 40-ness to refer to them as girls, apologies

OP posts:
EmpressLesbianInChair · 29/09/2019 19:44

I’m glad you’re feeling better. I also bet the girl wouldn’t have been so rude if her parents had been with them - just sounds like a gobby teen!

EmpressLesbianInChair · 29/09/2019 19:46

I’d call a late teenager a girl too (mid 40s here). It’s when people refer to women in their 20s & up as girls that it sounds wrong to me.

Pharlapwasthebest · 29/09/2019 20:01

The comment says nothing about you, and everything about them.
You can’t control what people think/say/do.

Inner beauty shines through, and will last until your last breath, bitchy spitefulness will also show through in their faces.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 29/09/2019 20:24

I hated my nose as teen (still do) a group of girls who hated me called me a big nosed bastard as I walked passed and it's always stuck with me.

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