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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can't forget this comment

148 replies

Dcle · 29/09/2019 06:33

Grateful for any practical advice. Out walking yesterday with husband and our 3 year old.

2 girls with 3 large dogs and 3 children were walking towards us. The 3 dogs jumping all over our daughter who was crying with fright. We called to the girls "please can you get them off, get them on lead" Cross exchange of words followed where they said "dogs were just trying to see why she was upset" and we said they needed to keep them under control.

As we walked away (carrying terrified wailing daughter) one of the girls shouted to my husband "you want to get your dog on a lead, have you seen the face on that" - pointing to me

I'm not attractive, know that, always have done - but I'm happy, loved, loving and good at my job etc so I've just got on with my life and tried not to think about it. But they've got into my head and now I feel crushed.

Has anyone got practical tips for moving on from this sort of stuff? Now I'm thinking God am I just ignorant of this and really need to get myself sorted out. My DH and I haven't discussed it, we both I think pretending we didn't hear it.

OP posts:
Asthenia · 29/09/2019 08:45

I was on a train a few weeks ago and the older man sitting next to me looked me up and down, sneered and called me ‘huge’ (why he chose to sit next to me when he could see I was fat and there were plenty of other spare seats I do not know). I asked him to repeat himself and he went bright red and scuttled off the train at the next stop with his head down. I understand not all people like confrontation but these nasty people often rely on you just accepting their vile comments. However having been with your 3 year old it’s probably best you didn’t respond! They sound awful and I always feel immense pity and disgust for people like that - imagine living with that kind of venom inside you, it can’t be good for you!
Hope you’re feeling better now OP. The problem is all them.

midcenturylegs · 29/09/2019 08:46

@Dcle oh I am so sorry for you. Something similar was said to me in sec school - 35 years ago - and I still remember it. It's a horrible and stinging parallel to make - somehow more abusive than other things which are on paper worse, that have been said to me throughout my life.
Try and shake it off by doing something nice for yourself and your family. today. Go to the movies? Plan a holiday for next year?
You are super lucky to have a supportive DH and a lovely DD - remember that xx

mumwon · 29/09/2019 08:59

You were the one walking with a loving husband & child - she was the one walking with a dog -ahem - enough said - maybe she was jealous as well as a selfish ignorant creep - with her attitude she probably only has friends like herself -

SneakySnackySquirrel · 29/09/2019 09:07

They honestly would have said that to anyone. It was just a nasty, throwaway comment. I doubt they even gave it a second thought.

I know it doesn't stop it stinging but it was an inane general insult. They I they will have said a thousand times to other people and if it hadn't been that it insult it would have been something else generically nasty.

I hope your daughter is OK. X

thatoldpinkumbrella · 29/09/2019 09:11

I agree, that has absolutely nothing to do with the way you look, she was pissed off and she threw a nasty comment. Another person might have laughed because it was so ridiculous, unfortunately it touched a nerve with you when it shouldn't have.

It's a bit like posters on MN who are so annoyed but have nothing to say who end up with posts "oh fuck off" or start swearing at someone. They are just idiots.

Palaver1 · 29/09/2019 09:13

Teenagers are quite mean and they are still quite sensitive about looks theirs should I say.
The first comments made to upset others is usually about appearances.
I’m so sorry they were this unkind I’ve been abused about my skin colour ...what can I do about that ,funnier that they were tanned to look like me though .

Pavlova31 · 29/09/2019 09:20

Sorry to hear that they were so shallow to be nasty to you Op. You no way deserved that 💐☕️

Slightly off topic. I have a friend who is absolutely stunning and a very nice person too. The comments she gets? About a third complimentary the rest from guys who are basically nasty /insecure/immature etc ...Vomitting sounds,Belches,Insults including being told she needs to get a face transplant Sad

MonnaLisa · 29/09/2019 09:23

For the way you are, for the way you talk about your daughter, and for the way you care, deeply care of what other people say, even in anger, you are amazingly beautiful to me. That's real beauty, not that stupid lottery of genes that gives some people symmetrical features that some find attractive.

Salene · 29/09/2019 09:24

Your husband finds you attractive and that's what really counts. Strangers mean nothing, ignore morons like that. They aren't worth a seconds thought.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 29/09/2019 09:26

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ILoveAllRainbowsx · 29/09/2019 09:27

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Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2019 09:29

The girls haven’t learnt to behave better. If they’re saying things to you, it’s because they have had things said to them. Children can be so unkind to one another. Beauty is a lot more than your outer shell. Flowers

Dcle · 29/09/2019 09:29

Sorry for delay have been running around with the little one but thank you all so so much. So much love to others who have had the same experience, I can't work out how to tag names on here like others are!

I don't want to remember it but these thoughts just intrude don't they? As much as you try to forget

It has made me realise I should definitely get off Instagram though, or I'm just adding to this world we've created where beauty is important. Thanks so much again xxx

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ILoveAllRainbowsx · 29/09/2019 09:30

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newreality1 · 29/09/2019 09:33

Firstly, their dog should never have been allowed to jump up on your daughter. I love dogs, but I hate the way some irresponsible dog owners don't consider other people or other dog walkers. You were perfectly correct to ask them to control their dog.

As for the horrible comments they made, that is in no way a reflection of you, but it is a true reflection of them. It doesn't matter if you were the most perfect looking person on the planet, they still would have said it.

Things like this have been said numerous times to me over the years. Just always remember, for someone to make such vile comments, it says much more about the type of person they are than it ever will about you.

IAmALazyArse · 29/09/2019 09:34

It has made me realise I should definitely get off Instagram though

Actually 😁 Instagram can be awesome. I follow only nice profiles like illustrators, artists, museums, gardening, cooking, local park group and similar. No people😁 There is an illustration daily profile and some of the illustrations are SO cute!

Rainbowknickers · 29/09/2019 09:35

Years ago I was out with friends and got chatting to a bloke
We hit it off and had a sly snog
Very long story short he’d done it as a bet-I think it’s called ‘pull a pig’ (the male version is called ‘pull a bull’ and it won him a kebab
It knocked me for years after (to the point I couldn’t go out of the house) but now I’m with an amazing bloke who loves the bones off me,amazing kids and amazing friends I can see it wasn’t me or my looks-it was him

I still pray he choked on his kebab

IAmALazyArse · 29/09/2019 09:35

Oh and local businesses of course

12FreeRangeEggs · 29/09/2019 09:36

Once my absolutely stunning model friend was crossing a road to meet me on the other side. Whilst waiting in the central pedestrian area a man in a convertible drove through whilst the light had just turned red. My friend glared at him for being irresponsible and so he stopped his car and shouted “i feel sorry for your husband being married to such an ugly dog like you” and then laughed.

Some people will lash out and say anything hideous in order to make themselves feel better when they know they are in the wrong.

I doubt very much that you are unattractive, OP.

MuseumOfYou · 29/09/2019 09:40

They sound awful and I always feel immense pity and disgust for people like that - imagine living with that kind of venom inside you, it can’t be good for you!

In my middle age, I have finally realised this. It's incredibly liberating.

People who are happy in themselves do not make other people feel bad. Why would they need to?

I had a former friend who would make sneaky put downs with a sweet smile on her face. When I looked back, it always coincided with a point that things were going particularly well for me. Initially I took everything to heart before it became obvious it was down to jealousy.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. If you know you are doing your best and are happy with yourself, other people's thoughts about you are totally meaningless.

itsasmallwordafterall · 29/09/2019 09:43

Op it is absolutely zero reflection on you and your appearance. It's really not. People who aren't very clever can't think up witty insults When they're mad, so just resort to "you're ugly" or "you're fat" type comments. Playground stuff that's not difficult to articulate.

My friend had similar abuse from a stranger once and if you saw her you'd find it funny. She's one of these people that could have greasy hair, be windswept and rained on, have a bad cold and still look absolutely bloody glowing and beautiful.

It is nothing to do with you. You should pity them really, something bad must have happened to them in order for them to be that vile.

Somebodystired · 29/09/2019 09:46

They were awful and would have said that no matter what.

You sound lovely. As does your DH.

And you might not think yourself attractive, but youve attracted a smasher of a husband so I think that speaks volumes.

GnomeDePlume · 29/09/2019 09:47

In the pre-social media days the insult was 'you smell'. Now you can smell like a hog so long as you 'look good'.

I can still remember a girl shouting across the school play ground 'Gnome, you smell!' It must be 40 years ago now but I still remember. The sting is gone but the memory hasnt.

It's a cheap jibe and the most hurtful one her vacuous little mind could come up with.

So Flowers.

reginafelangee · 29/09/2019 09:52

They were meaning to be nasty. Don't let them succeed by dwelling on this.

contrary13 · 29/09/2019 09:53

She shouted/was horrendously rude because she was embarrassed, knew she was in the wrong for not having the dogs on leads, for preventing them from rushing your poor daughter (I'm an adult, who has grown up with large breed dogs... and I would have been terrified to be rushed/surrounded by strange dogs!). That's all it (probably) was - and as another poster has said, she would have been nasty regardless of how you look, because some people just cover their being in the wrong and embarrassment at having it pointed out to them, by being foul mouthed/nasty idiots.

Not all dogs are prone to be vicious, and she may have been right in that they like small children, expected your daughter to be pleased to see them, and then became confused when she started to cry/get upset. But how are you, your husband, your daughter supposed to know that? They were strange dogs, you didn't know if they were going to attack any of you (not just your daughter) and they should have been under control of the two girls (presumably young women?) who were in charge of them at all times whether on, or off-lead.

I have a little dog who adores small children... but I don't let her run up to random children whom we don't know, because not everyone likes small, vibrating bundles of muscle and fur leaping around them, desperate for a fuss and a sneaky cuddle. She is trained enough to know what different whistles mean, and she obeys them. I call her back, hold onto her, allow the walking families to pass on by without having her try to join them... whilst she vibrates with silent desperation to be fussed over and petted by strangers. Why? Because I hope I'm a responsible enough dog owner, that I'm not one of those dog owners/walkers, and because I know that not everyone's a "dog person". My larger dog simply hides behind me if he sees a child whilst out ambling, because he's terrified of being randomly cuddled, hung onto, ears pulled by them. And I allow him to do that, because a frightened dog = a potentially dangerous dog.

A frightened child, on the other hand, doesn't have the same potential dangerous tools (teeth and very strong jaws...) that a dog does. You were in the right, absolutely, and the young women were in the wrong, completely.

I hope your daughter wasn't too traumatised by the situation, too. Please reassure her that it's okay to be wary of strange dogs, but that not every dog is irresponsibly owned. Some of us actually think forwards, rather than hope for the best whilst our dogs are off-lead.

Also, equally important, beauty truly comes from within. It doesn't matter what a person looks like, it matters how they are. I know a very beautiful young woman, who prides herself on how she looks... and she's nasty, calculating, manipulative, lies to get her own way, and doesn't give two shits about anyone but herself. You, I'm sure, are loving, kind, compassionate, and loved for who you are, not how you look. Flowers