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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't forget this comment

148 replies

Dcle · 29/09/2019 06:33

Grateful for any practical advice. Out walking yesterday with husband and our 3 year old.

2 girls with 3 large dogs and 3 children were walking towards us. The 3 dogs jumping all over our daughter who was crying with fright. We called to the girls "please can you get them off, get them on lead" Cross exchange of words followed where they said "dogs were just trying to see why she was upset" and we said they needed to keep them under control.

As we walked away (carrying terrified wailing daughter) one of the girls shouted to my husband "you want to get your dog on a lead, have you seen the face on that" - pointing to me

I'm not attractive, know that, always have done - but I'm happy, loved, loving and good at my job etc so I've just got on with my life and tried not to think about it. But they've got into my head and now I feel crushed.

Has anyone got practical tips for moving on from this sort of stuff? Now I'm thinking God am I just ignorant of this and really need to get myself sorted out. My DH and I haven't discussed it, we both I think pretending we didn't hear it.

OP posts:
pictish · 29/09/2019 07:11

I can understand how you’re feeling. I’m not natural beauty either and unpleasant comments I have had pertaining to my looks have really stung.

Here’s the thing...we live in a society that values women firstly by virtue of their ‘beauty’. It’s ingrained in all of us although some more than others.
Often, if a person wishes to insult a woman, their looks will be the first thing they refer to in order to do so, regardless of how attractive they are (or not). ‘Beautiful’ women get called ugly by nasty bastards too.
It’s the ultimate insult to a woman in our culture.

I’m sorry this happened to you...please try to put it out of your mind. Xx

iMatter · 29/09/2019 07:11

It was nothing to do with how you look. You could have been [insert name of stunningly beautiful person]

It was a zero effort insult said by a couple of aggressive smart arsed bitches

Thanks
Pinktornado · 29/09/2019 07:12

I had an altercation with some tweenage girls who asked me for a light (I don’t smoke). When I said no they shouted ‘well f off you speccy b*d’. Ridiculous I know, and I laugh now, but 10 years ago it really upset me. Like pps have said, if you had glasses or any other feature they could use to get at you they would have said it. I guarantee they used the ‘dog’ insult just because of the context, nothing to do with your appearance.

KangapooandRoo · 29/09/2019 07:13

I hate other people's dogs running up & sniffing jumping around with muddy paws my child does too. Dogs are unpredictable and if the person they are near are jumpy,crunching away from the animal & scared it might not have a happy outcome
Most owners are really good, it's like anything the few spoil it. www.gov.uk/control-dog-public

Superfoodie123 · 29/09/2019 07:13

OP, I'm so sorry you had to hear that, I felt so sad reading this. I've had this sort of comment before and I think I'm attractive, that's all that matters to me. I felt sad reading your comment as it sounds like you believe them, like other posters I agree they would have said this no matter what. Why do women always come under scrutiny for the way we look when situations have nothing to do with it?

It's disgraceful, they will have an experience like this one day and sadly they will come to the realisation that their looks are up for discussion too, I hope they remember what they said to you.

Please talk to your husband about it, I think you will feel better. He probably feels crap that he didn't protect you from that comment and doesn't want to embarrass you by bringing it up.

NationMcKinley · 29/09/2019 07:13

They sound absolutely horrible and like PP have said, I think they’d have said this whatever you look like. I hope this isn’t too trite but this is from Roald Dahl and is one of my most favourite ever quotes. I think it’s completely and utterly true:-

If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.

These girls were cruel and unkind. They were aiming to hurt you. Try not to give them the headspace (although I know that’s hard) Flowers

KangapooandRoo · 29/09/2019 07:14

Running not crunching

custardbear · 29/09/2019 07:14

You told them off, rightly so, but she didn't like it, so she spat some nasty vile comment, it's not about what you look like, it's about her trying to be as nasty as possible because you put her in her place

Move on, you're a loving mum and wife - you've got more than that nasty little creature

Pinktornado · 29/09/2019 07:14

Also I read recently that people (I think it was just women but let’s pretend it’s not so horribly sexist Hmm) are either beautiful or sexy. I’d long resigned myself to not being the former, which means I must be the latter Grin

Boysey45 · 29/09/2019 07:14

I think they were just thinking of something rude to say and your obviously not overweight as you would have been called a fat cow/slag/cunt etc.That tends to be the go to insult for a woman.
I'd just have laughed as they we so pathetic. Honestly forget it.

StoppinBy · 29/09/2019 07:17

As the least popular half of an identical twin set I can tell you right now people say mean things regardless. I always got called fat and ugly and picked on. My identical twin on the other hand had a constant stream of boyfriends and was in the popular group. So from first hand experience I know the way you look is actually irrelevant, people wanting to be hurtful just know where to hit for the best effect.

Also you were right to tell them to get their dogs and I have said a lot worse to a man whose dog was off lead and out of control around our dog and kids. Dogs should be on lead or under effective voice control at all times.

LizzieSiddal · 29/09/2019 07:17

A

Your Dh sounds lovely and I would tell him that remark has really upset you.

You’ll feel so much better for telling him.Flowers

lilacviolet · 29/09/2019 07:17

Were they teenage girls with younger children with them?

MsTSwift · 29/09/2019 07:17

God don’t give s second thought to what some rough chavvy strangers said! Dh was at a bus stop when we lived in London and an older woman came up and shouted in his face “you should be ashamed”. He was quite shaken when he got home. I’ve had loads shouted at me over the years - my sister and I waiting for a tube and a man started shouting that we were crack whores which is so far from reality it was quite amusing.

k1233 · 29/09/2019 07:18

There's no fixing ugly on the inside. No matter how the outside looks, ugly will always come out. The same with beautiful people. If you're beautiful on the inside, it comes out and the important people in your life treasure you for it.

The girls are random strangers. Don't let their nastiness take away the beauty those closest to you see every day.

Eliza72 · 29/09/2019 07:19

I'm happy, loved, loving and good at my job

You certainly are attractive 😍😍

smugmug · 29/09/2019 07:20

They knew they were wrong with the behaviour of letting the dogs scare your daughter and at being called out on it they hit out at you regardless of your looks they would have said the same , it's how that type of mind works , they are the ugly ones

Very hard having such spite aimed at you but please let it go and hold your head high as you are both loved and loving that makes you a beautiful person both inside and out

cultkid · 29/09/2019 07:20

Urgh hearing things like this really make me so sad.
I hate that you've said "but I am.."

No. You are beautiful and you are loved. It's extremely disrespectful and cruel to imply someone is an animal or looks like one.
They would have said it to any family if they had been put in line.

I would go have a cry to my husband.

You poor thing Sad

yulet · 29/09/2019 07:22

What complete shits they are for letting their dogs torture a three year old. Scum of the earth. I hope your brain lets you move on from the comment soon Flowers

AJPTaylor · 29/09/2019 07:22

You can't take the words of feral people to heart. Really.

MariusJosipovic · 29/09/2019 07:28

They sound awful. The sting will fade eventually. I genuinely think saying it out loud to your husband will help you heal from it to be honest and I would mention to him that their comments were hurtful and you keep thinking about them. Hopefully just discussing it with a kind and loving person will help.

I remember once on a hen do I was waiting at the bar and making friendly chat with some folk there. It was just completely normal chit chat with some strangers while we waited to be served and I wasn't thinking anything of it. Then someone said 'are your friends all dogs like you?' and everyone laughed. I actually left the night out and went home and cried. And to be honest I am quite pretty and always have been. It's not about looks it's about hurting or humiliating someone else to make themselves feel better.

Sleephead1 · 29/09/2019 07:28

They just said it to upset you because they are unkind people and would have said it whatever you look like When I was younger I was considered attractive and got quiet a bit of Male attention sometimes other women called me a dog or a bitch (despite never speaking to me ) or a slag if I was dressed up on a night out. I started a new job once when I was 18 and the other girl I was working with told me once we became friends that she didnt like me at first , thought I was a bitch ( I was nothing but polite and friendly ,) and our boss told us she was really surprised we were friends as she thought the other girl would hate me. There was never any explanation for this but it was an experience that got repeated when I was teens/ early twenties along with being told I was stuck up ( I wasnt) Try to remember that you have a lovely happy life and if they feel the need to make horrid comments then they just be pretty unhappy people.

GiveMeHope103 · 29/09/2019 07:29

op how ugly does that girl sound by saying something like that. your dh loves you and it's all that matters. some people are just cruel.

CatteStreet · 29/09/2019 07:29

'You can't take the words of feral people to heart. Really.'

This. It was a crass, vulgar, crude, limited, narrow, graceless comment, made by a person who goes through life with no regard for others and whose response to being in the wrong is to lash out so she feels like top dog (no pun intended) again. And a person without the intelligence or insight to perceive the misogyny behind what she is saying. An adult who's still in Year 7, mindset wise.

You can leave her to karma to deal with (in the sense that our damaging actions usually do damage us at some point).

coatlessinspokane · 29/09/2019 07:31

pictish has it right. There are certain go-to insults in our culture which are based on how we value men and women differently.

Men are valued for their virility and toughness so the go-to insults are “ small dick” and “don’t be a pussy” (also an insult to women as it’s an insult for men to be feminine!)

Women are valued for their beauty, modesty and submissiveness so the go-to insults are variations “ugly”, “slut” and “aggressive”.

You could look like Naomi Campbell or you could look like a troll and they still would have thrown those insults at you because they are so close at hand.

In fact in a way you have to laugh and admire them. They managed to call you ugly, your husband a pussy for not controlling you, and you again for being uncontrollable. That’s quite an achievement in just a few seconds. They should get medals for propping up the patriarchy so expertly!

So fuck’em OP. It’s obvious that they are stupid and unthinking whilst you are clearly not. Flowers