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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why in 2019 some women are still completely financially dependent on men?

126 replies

MrsGrindah · 27/09/2019 22:22

I’m not talking about SAHPs , people who are ill etc. but have access to family money...I mean the women who are “given “
money but have no access to bank accounts. Why do people put themselves in that situation these days? Why would you even think that’s a good idea.?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 27/09/2019 22:26

I mean the women who are “given “ money but have no access to bank accounts

I don't know anyone like this? Do you? I'd assume they are in an abusive relationship.

Sweettalking · 27/09/2019 22:28

I would suggest it is financial abuse if not a SAHP or person too ill to work/earn their own money. I can't imagine anyone would agree to this sort of situation.

SarahAndQuack · 27/09/2019 22:28

People who 'put' themselves in that situation?

Well, OP, I expect they are just much thicker and less thoughtful than you.

Here's your round of applause.

Sweettalking · 27/09/2019 22:30

There seems to be very little understanding of what it's actually like to be in an abusive situation on this site.

Sparklesocks · 27/09/2019 22:31

I understand your point but it’s not always black and white

Ninkaninus · 27/09/2019 22:32

Because quite often that’s the way of the world, and I, sure as hell not going to blame women for making the best they can of the world they live in.

Kittenbittenmitten · 27/09/2019 22:33

I would assume women like that are being financially abused. Financially controlled isn't the same thing as being financially dependent. I'm technically dependent on my husband at the moment. I have full access to the accounts and spend it how I like (within reason)

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 27/09/2019 22:35

Because there still isn’t enough early education on what abuse looks like or financial security and independence. Girls have no idea of the implications of “combining” (read: handing over control of) finances with a partner. Too many aren’t being taught it at home and school aren’t tackling it at all.

TheQueef · 27/09/2019 22:36

I doubt the ridiculous ly harsh benefit rules and the seeming eagerness to report single mothers for having a partner helps much.
It forces dependency.

katalavenete · 27/09/2019 22:38

There seems to be very little understanding of what it's actually like to be in an abusive situation on this site.

In a nutshell.

RufusthebewiIderedreindeer · 27/09/2019 22:39

I mean the women who are “given “ money but have no access to bank accounts

I dont know anyone in this position either

It must exist...but ive no personal experience

PicsInRed · 27/09/2019 22:41

Just like those women who get themselves raped, eh?

Stupid women, enticing men into abusing them.

FlamedToACrisp · 27/09/2019 22:43

My first husband and I organised our money like this. I'm not good with money; he is. I was in favour of the arrangement and had no problems with it. Even now, I feel wistful for the time when I never needed to worry about money - not because we had loads, but because it just wasn't my problem.

If we needed something like a new washing machine, he would consider our other bills, tell me how much our budget was and I would choose one within the budget. Or we'd shop for it together, so he could help choose/pay on his card.

I never felt financially abused or controlled - it was just the way we organised our finances.

flirtygirl · 27/09/2019 22:45

Op such a stunning lack of awareness and critical thinking in your post. I despair sometimes, I really do.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 27/09/2019 22:45

I imagine a lot of it happens in stages. Tiny little innocuous sounding stages, where each one seems perfectly reasonable and where it would be weird to kick off about.

Then one day the woman realises and by then it's too late Sad

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 27/09/2019 22:47

My first husband and I organised our money like this. I'm not good with money; he is.

Despite it working for you, Do you also acknowledge how vulnerable that made you?

Also- in what way were you not good with money that couldn’t have been improved with a bit of effort?

What if he had also been “not good” with money? Who would you have asked to look after you family finances?

Sweettalking · 27/09/2019 22:47

@Flamedtoacrisp can I ask how old you are, or how many years ago this situation was? I'm not being unkind, just genuinely interested. Is your first husband now your ex? Interesting viewpoint that you didn't see it as abuse without anymore background.

Ginnymweasley · 27/09/2019 22:49

I really doubt that it starts off like that.... its abusive. The woman doesn't choose to live like that..... it doesn't happen overnight.

RubaDubMum89 · 27/09/2019 23:04

Because I had to leave my job when I was pregnant, we agreed I'd be a SAHP.

It wasn't a problem until it was, I trusted him and never even thought about abuse. Until he stopped giving me 'house keeping' and I had no access to any money and a six month old baby to support on fresh air.

FlamedToACrisp · 27/09/2019 23:11

@Sweettalking this was in the 1990s. We were married for 13 years and broke up for other reasons, not financial. I didn't feel it was abusive (and still don't) because the decision to do things that way was joint, not forced on me. If I'd said, no, I want access to our money, we'd have done things differently.

During that marriage, at different times I was a SAHP, a part-time working mother, a full-time main wage earner supporting him.

When I worked part-time we carried on that way but any money I earned, I could spend without consulting him, usually on treats and extras for the home but without discussing it.

When I worked full-time he was made redundant just after I got promoted to manager, so he took over the childcare. My wages went into my bank a/c but he continued to make the decisions and I'd just write the cheques he advised me to. I had decision-making areas of responsibility too eg I decided how each room was decorated, he wasn't that fussed, I had carte blanche on our kids' education, the garden, pets etc., with financial considerations being the only restriction.

If I said, "can I have £200 to go Christmas shopping?" he wouldn't have demanded to see my receipts or anything - I wasn't asking permission, I was asking if we could afford it.

Frankly, he's the only person I ever met who found phoning round to get the best deal on house insurance ENJOYABLE - "lol off ya go, love, be my guest!"

FlamedToACrisp · 27/09/2019 23:25

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart

Despite it working for you, Do you also acknowledge how vulnerable that made you?

I didn't feel vulnerable, any more than a committee with a treasurer feels vulnerable. He was the money-organiser on behalf of our family.

Also- in what way were you not good with money that couldn’t have been improved with a bit of effort?

It's easier if one person knows how much money 'we' have. If I'd gone clothes shopping without consulting him and we then couldn't pay the electricity bill, I would have been upset with myself. But I don't really like money - it's just a tool we use to buy stuff.

What if he had also been “not good” with money? Who would you have asked to look after you family finances?

My current DH isn't either. And what happened was that we both experienced the unbridled joy and freedom of lying awake at night wondering how to pay our debts, and eventually had to sell our house. THAT'S being vulnerable.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 27/09/2019 23:33

I personally don't know of any relationship where a woman has no access to bank and such is given money but off the top of my head I do know three relationships where a man has no access to bank and such and the woman sorts all the bills and the man is only given some money it's a agreement they all have for various reasons and all seem happy with it,
I think aslong as both parties are happy with agreement and it works for them it's nobody else's business
Of corse if it's being used in a abusive way to control them financially then it differently isn't ok or if either party is unhappy with arrangement but as we are all aware often people who are being abused sometimes don't even see the abuse.
I have always thought it should be mandatory for schools to help all age 16 year olds or around this age set up a personal bank account/ savings account and educate them on banking
Also some people are terrible with money so this may be another factor I don't know how many threads I read on here of DH's spending money at the pub, gambling etc.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 27/09/2019 23:34

I didn't feel vulnerable, any more than a committee with a treasurer feels vulnerable.

Regardless of how you felt, the fact is you were vulnerable. It’s nothing at all like a treasurer for a committee. Particularly while you were a SAHP he could have withdrawn all funds from you at any point. Having nicely decorated bedrooms or a pet wouldn’t have made that any less unpleasant or abusive.

But I don't really like money - it's just a tool we use to buy stuff

And feed your children, keep a roof over your head, pay for travel to work, buy school shoes. It’s really not just for “stuff”.

My current DH isn't either. And what happened was that we both experienced the unbridled joy and freedom of lying awake at night wondering how to pay our debts, and eventually had to sell our house. THAT'S being vulnerable.

And entirely preventable!! Confused your own irresponsibility caused that. Why didn’t you both take responsibility for your finances?

FlamedToACrisp · 27/09/2019 23:45

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart

Particularly while you were a SAHP he could have withdrawn all funds from you at any point.

Well, yes, he could. He could also have bought a baseball bat and smashed up the house with it, decided to be unfaithful to me and given me the clap, or come home drunk every night and told me I was ugly.

He didn't do any of those things because he wasn't a horrible person. And if he had done, I'd have divorced him!

Schwibble · 27/09/2019 23:48

If DW had to give up her job and move miles away for DH's job relocation, and cannot find a new job.