To ask why in 2019 some women are still completely financially dependent on men?

[MrsGrindah]

I’m not talking about SAHPs , people who are ill etc. but have access to family money...I mean the women who are “given “
money but have no access to bank accounts. Why do people put themselves in that situation these days? Why would you even think that’s a good idea.?

Talking about the behaviours of victims is not always the same as victim blaming. Ad you are still deliberating ignoring the premise of my question in your eagerness to lecture me.

I was in an abusive marriage and I don’t blame myself one little bit. However looking back I can see I did things that I didn’t realise the significance of at the time. Having access to money absolutely helped save me.

I doubt the ridiculous ly harsh benefit rules and the seeming eagerness to report single mothers for having a partner helps much.
It forces dependency

Thank you thequeef I think this too!
If I had my way benefits (particularly for mothers) would be assessed on individual circumstances. Not family income. You cannot assume women have full access to family money.

It really frustrates me that on Mumsnet, where there's such good understanding of financial abuse, we also have such virulent benefit bashing.
Join the dots people!

I can see how it could appeal, you get 'paid' each month for running the home, as you said you aren't talking about SAHP so your time is your own once you have completed your daily tasks. I can see how it would be seen as demeaning and open to abuse but I can also see it as an attractive option for those who don't see their 9-5 as a career.

Whatever is my husband's, is mine too and I spend what I like. I ask for money when I want/need it and it works just fine.

It's the having to asking someone else that jumps out at me there. I can't imagine ever being in a situation where I don't have complete authority over money of my own.

The idea of saying "please can I have some money" in that type of setup leaves me cold.

I think those kinds of situations are massively skewed in favour of men (i.e men having the financial control,) because of our biology. As it’s only women who can bear children and in my opinion, the least likely / able to walk away from that child, reliance on the father for support will continue.

No amount of social policy will change that reality.

Why is it any of your concern?

Don’t be a judgmental bitch.

From personal experience, no education, high school drop outs, trouble getting a job as nothing to put on resume, no references etc.

Once you have gotten yourself into such a deep hole, it is bloody hard to climb out of.

😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣

Lots of women on here like that! I think it’s idiotic! It often comes about as soon as the children come along and the woman stops working. Think people have to be smarter than that!

The only person I know like this has a gambling problem, all of her wages go into an account she can’t access, she then is given a set allowance (she decided the amount) each month. She doesn’t yet trust herself with access to any more money.

'However looking back I can see I did things that I didn’t realise the significance of at the time.' Haven't you answered your own question here?

My partner and I do this except I receive child benefit and maintenance from my older child which is used for food shopping. I get real anxiety about money, I'm awful with Bill's and letters etc. He deals with all the money, he saves every month, puts money into both DC accounts, covers all our Bill's. I earn the same as him but transfer over every payday. I dont need to worry about money, I need something he gives me the money. Hes never refused anything to me and will encourage me to spend money on myself. It works for us especially whilst saving for a mortgage. You dont always know people's situations, yes it can be financial control/abuse, or it can be a very useful way of working out finances. He is very competent whilst I turn to mush. Our money is spent evenly, what he saves is our money not his, and it makes my life so much easier. So why not?

We are not wealthy. I'm a SAHM out of necessity... any wages I made would not cover childcare for my two preschool children... so yes I am dependant on my husband financially. But we are married and that is some protection... hes not an abuser I've known him ten years been together 6 and hes never not given me money since we decided on this arrangement. Theres not really any difference between having a joint account and being given money into your own account apart from being able to see what's going on a bit more... but even that is not a massive benefit because he could still hide money from you if he wanted... he could still just not pay his wages into that account...
Yes it does leave you open to be abused... but I dont u understand what you think the way around that is? My husband does not appear to be abusing me therefore I'm not going to take a massive hit in my living standards and that of my childrens just to say I would be protected from abuse by having my own income.... one day I will hopefully return to work but only if it makes financial sense to do so.
The marriage is the most protection you can have in this situation because we both know that if I left he would actually be under even more pressure to provide for us... for example he would probably have to have the children on certain days a week which would effect his earning potential because he couldn't work whenever he wanted like he does now.
I'm not sure what you expect women to do? Many women end up in this situation when they have children. My son was not planned... I was on a zero hours contract and I had no savings, i was in a rented one bed flat in a city centre.... you cant always plan out these things. It's meant that it's my career that has been sacrificed.... but that's also meant we now own a four bed home in a village and have another beautiful child. These things are more important to me than personally earning money.

I ask what you think can be done to protect women and indeed men who take the career hit to raise kids? The high cost of childcare, people working shifts, disparity between education levels and age between partners, can all lead to this situation and so it's a common setup.
At the moment marriage and having the child benefit go into your account are the only things that can be done to protect the non earner. It does leave them in a vulnerable position
You know in Ireland you can register as a stay at home parent and the government actually pays you an allowance for doing that?
Is that something you support?
Or free childcare?
We are just over the financial bracket to recieve any benefits apart from child benefit at all.. so all my children will get is 15 free hours from the age of 3 which means I will not be working for some time!

I’m seeing a bit of “I’m not good with money- he is” “he likes dealing with money” etc here and I hear it IRL. This is not accidental. I also know that the first thing to happen when. Couple split is the man protects his finances. 9/10 times. He doesn’t arrange contact with his children. He doesn’t arrange mediation, he gathers up his tvs, his consoles, his car, and his wallet. The important things. I’ve seen it time and time again. When a relationship breaks down the money is the first thing the man looks to. This is not accidental.

Men know in a way that far too many women don’t, that money is the power. In all aspects of life. And they set their lives up accordingly. Women need to learn to match this. Women only seem to realise when the rug has been pulled from under them, whereas men know from the off. Money is their motivator. Above everything else. Love is great, but believe me- when the shit hits the fan the money is all he cares about.

What about if one of you has a poor credit rating and the other doesn't. You can live together, be married etc and it won't impact the other person's score. Open a joint account and it will.

So should we all structure our relationships as though the other partner is going to turn on us at some point? Even if that structure isnt what we want... our living standards would be worse and we would be unhappy?? Just on the off chance someone might try and abuse us?

EnglishRose1320 this was part of our reasoning too... I dont have good credit not because I'm careless with money but because I'm quite frightened of it, I've never had a credit card or an overdraft in my life nor paid anything in installments, dont have a phone contract.....
We got a mortgage in my husbands name etc... tried it joint but it effected the amount considerably

Because quite often that’s the way of the world, and I, sure as hell not going to blame women for making the best they can of the world they live in.

Love this attitude. I suffered sexual, emotional and financial abuse from ex and I'm left on UC now until I can get my shit together for my kids who suddenly don't have a daddy, and start a mental health nursing course with a clear mind. The amount of people who think I had kids for money! or think I have it easy because I have two effing, lonely, isolated days of the week where my kids are at school and I get to breath for a bit. I recently imagined hanging myself. Yeah it's bloody marvellous.

Whether it's a single mum on benefits, or a female surgeon making more than her DH. Most of us are stressed, struggling in a lot of ways, and doing our best we can with the support we have. You never know what's around the corner. Redundancy, being cheated on. Illness. Accidents. You just do your best.

I wish more people thought like this!

I know some people with a SAHM and it seems worse in a way as they have a joint account but seem to argue about money spent and stuff...to have set spending money for different things e.g. food, clothes, etc as long as it works out as generally fair- I don't see the problem with this. Maybe it is set up as part of a budget. I mean the rest is going on bills etc, mortgage...how is it really any different from having a shared account with both having spending money? I guess it is the idea that one person is in charge or something.

This article from the Money advice service os worth looking at as it does not see one way as 'right'

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/should-we-manage-money-jointly-or-separately

Share, divide, pay an allowance or keep your money separate?

It’s up to you how you manage your money when you’re in a relationship. Generally, there are four main ways you can do it:

keep separate accounts
share and manage everything as a couple
the main earner pays their partner an ‘allowance’
share some responsibilities but keep some things private.

You can find more information on how each method works below, but remember you’ll need to think carefully about which best suits your situation.

Main earner pays partner an allowance

If one of you isn’t earning, or earning less than the other, you could both keep separate accounts and have the main earner pay their partner an allowance.

The main earner can transfer an agreed amount each week or month to their partner’s account.

You can both decide whether the amount that is transferred is money for household bills and spending money, or just personal spending money.

There are a few things to discuss before going down this route:

Make sure you both feel comfortable with the idea.
The allowance should not be seen as a ‘favour’ – if one partner is looking after the kids, or working as a carer – that’s a job too.
Talk about all types of expenditure that needs to be covered by the allowance and make sure the monthly or weekly amount is enough

So should we all structure our relationships as though the other partner is going to turn on us at some point?

Everyone should ensure their own financial security. Handing it over to someone else to manage isn’t doing that. It’s nearly always women in these situations. Again- that’s no accident.

Those who are SAHMs- ask your partner to have their salary paid into your account and you can give them money when they ask. It won’t be a problem, surely?

As for not having a bank account- that is very odd, it is so easy to open one.

Some defensiveness on this thread that is translating into attaching the op for asking.

And irrelevant if people know anyone in this boat or not, it's factual many women are. There are also plenty of threads on it on here.

Women who give up any financial independence to move in with a man, to have a child with him, with no marriage and often not even a solid agreement on how the finances will work, and then they end up in an abusive situation where they can't leave because of money, or the couple split up and the woman is screwed, or something happens to the man.

The question the op is asking is valid. It might not be tasteful but there is nothing wrong with asking,

Of course that would be a problem... because then I'd have to deal with all the utilities and the mortgage and the credit card.. on top of doing the majority of the childcare, housework, cooking, household admin, preschool admin etc etc
He would literally just be making money.. and dealing with the car... but I guess I'd even have to be dealing with all the insurance and tax etc.... and 3ven if I wasnt doing that directly I'd have to sit down and budget it all in order to send him enough money to cover all the things and that might vary according to his hours each month etc...
So much easier for him as he knows what hes earning and what's coming out... all he has to do is wait until that's all dealt with then look at what's left over and split it down the middle.