To ask why in 2019 some women are still completely financially dependent on men?

[MrsGrindah]

I’m not talking about SAHPs , people who are ill etc. but have access to family money...I mean the women who are “given “
money but have no access to bank accounts. Why do people put themselves in that situation these days? Why would you even think that’s a good idea.?

That statement 'I'm no good with money so I leave it to DH/DW' should never be uttered by any woman (or indeed man) ever, under any circumstances. Anyone who perceives themselves as not good with money should proactively get help from an objective party or organisation to get better at dealing with money. Leaving this to a partner is just naive imo, no matter how great you think they are.

I would go further and say anyone who completely and deliberately abdicates responsibility like this is wilfully stupid, not just naive. There is no excuse not to learn and empower yourself.

No, school is education. No-one is getting paid to care for my DC. If they were I would expect a lot more in return than what they get at school. Teachers are being paid to educate 30+ children. If it was childcare it would be available 8-6 at least 50 weeks a year.

it seems you are saying that having children in school full time constitutes the sane amount of work as having children not in school... that's just not true is it.

Well no, because that’s not what I said at all. I said I do all childcare. Which I do. Having children at home instead of school is certainly more work- if the parent isn’t working while the Dc are at school. But I’m working during those hours. So you’re not doing more work than me just because your DC aren’t at school yet.

he already knows what hours hes done and all the rest of it.

He could just tell you?

Op no idea why you are getting a hard time. Not everyone like this is being abused. Some women choose it as it seems easier which is fine unless things go wrong. Having kids disn't help either.

This is one reason why Universal Credit is so evil. By paying all the household benefit to one person, in a couple it completely normalises the idea of women being dependant on men.
With CTC and CB the expectation was generally that the woman claims. Ime this holds true even in the most social Conservative families and cultures

It could be paid to the mother though. I agree two payments for tax credits was helpful (we did that and CTC into my account WTC into DH's) however in quite a few cases the mother is in charge of claiming tax credits so presumably could set it up so UC is paid into the mothers account and part of it to the partner in a standing order.

However I can see how it would aid the situation of abuse.(the single payment)

My boss pays his partner an allowance. Makes me cringe every time I hear it. She is a SAHM sounds lazy as anything - one kid at school the other at nursery 3 full days. She can’t find the time to iron his shirts or make him dinner even though he has a 2hr commute and stressful job. He goes and fills the car up at weekends and does the grocery shopping because she doesn’t have enough money. They sound as bad as each other.

In some cases it can be helpful to do this though in case of self employment for tax advantages. (one paying the other)

"...sounds lazy as anything - one kid at school the other at nursery 3 full days. She can’t find the time to iron his shirts or make him dinner even though he has a 2hr commute and stressful job. He goes and fills the car up at weekends and does the grocery shopping because she doesn’t have enough money. They sound as bad as each other..."

Hmm judgemental much?

My point was she can’t be arsed doing anything for him and he doesn’t let her share his money....he has money, she has time. Sound like they could both be a lot nicer to one another!

I am financially dependent on my DH, it was a boring set of circumstances that we hear a lot on here but it made financial sense that I became a SAHM and I wanted to be a SAHM to my twins. UC is paid into my account, DH’s wages into his. He earns more obviously but it wasn’t until very recently our UC came through and so for the first year of our twins lives, we were solely dependent on him.

I was in a financially and other ways abusive relationship before I met DH so it didn’t sit well with me that I was getting myself back into this situation but we had little choice. Thing is when we figured this out he did have to agree an “allowance” which to many would seem awful, but we had little other choice. He without complaint or questioning, left me a float as we called it at home each week and has never questioned what it was spent on or why. Basically he took it out of his salary and gave it to me to do with as I pleased. It mainly was spent on groceries and necessities because we are brassic, but on the odd occasion I fancied something a bit out of the ordinary it was fine by him. I did have a short time asking him “is it okay if I get X out of this weeks float” and he’d shrug and say “it’s your money if you want X get it.”

I know not many women have a good time of it when becoming dependent on another - but after a year of having that situation I never once doubted him and he never doubted me.

Now the UC comes in I use that for household requirements (food, clothes for the twins, odds and sods) and he pays the bills from his wages. If he were to leave suddenly it would be difficult without his wages - but I am firm in my belief that if that ever happened I could manage with what I receive and he wouldn’t ever let our DC suffer just because we are no longer together. If that makes me naive in the eyes of others then fine. But I know him, he has proved himself already (not that he needed to but it helps) but it was a series of unfortunate events that lead to my situation, so I make do with the circumstances and that’s all I can do.

I agree with all the comments about universal credit... it sets women up to be unable to escape abuse

I don't understand this. Does it have to be paid to the man? Can't the woman get paid it? And surely the woman's life decisions if she chooses to be financially dependent on someone is what effectively sets her up to potentially be unable to escape at some point in thr future? It's not the governments fault?

If you have equal access to money then I think you're on a more even keel. But if you simply get an allowance of sorts and are not allowed any access to your partners money then I think you're potentially in a very dangerous situation, I cannot see how anyone would agree to that set up at all.

I hate banks
I hate money
I could and would give my last note to someone who needs it more then me.
I don't go do cashpoints or banks. I do have money when I want and I have always got everything I need I do not have a bank account in my name. As I see them to controlling.
The poorer get poorer
And richer get richer on a dayley bacis. To many haves and have nots we do not live in a financial equal system that's why I am happy to not consider the s.

I don't understand, how is a bank account controlling, it's an innate thing. How do you pay your bills with no bank account? Do you earn cash in hand? Is that how you get money when you need it?

Not Innate inanimate,,🤣

Joxer at no point have I implied or thought I was doing more work than you. You are the one who is being judgemental and implying that I'm doing less work and could easily take on more.....

But honestly why should anyone do that?
It's very victim blamey to suggest that instead of expecting a man whom you have married and had children with to not abuse you... you should instead not divide up tasks how it suits you best as a couple... but take on everything yourself.... just in case....
I mean stay out of peoples marriages and stop being judgemental. Some of the comments here seem downright angry... like they are holding women responsible for the unequal way society is set up.
Sometimes a parent needs to stay at home... sometimes one wants to... often the one who stays home will become fairly financially dependant on the other... it diesnt matter whether theres a joint account or you are sent money into a private account.. the money us still coming from one partner who could easily just not put it in the joint account.... having a joint account doesnt make you less vulnerable.

Save your anger for the men and women who are abusing people... save it for the wage gap save it for society being set up so that housework and childcare are not regarded as serious occupations despite being totally necessary.... why direct it at women who have entered a voluntary partnership with their husband? It's none of your business how they mutually decide to manage money or if one does that whilst the other manages other things... where is this vitriol and resentment coming from?

This is one of the many reasons I’m not having children of my own. I refuse to sacrifice my career while my DH surges ahead and refuse to rely on anyone but myself. Having children makes women vulnerable in my opinion!!

Bluntness it's the governments fault because they are putting already very low income families open to domestic abuse. They could insist on putting the money into two accounts in the case of a partnership... but they do not... so it's not a choice... it makes women much more vulnerable... poverty is cumulative... how on earth is the partner who's being abused supposed to save to escape?

What a stupid thing to say. Not all situations are abusive men controlling women, just because they give money to their wives monthly. Before my best friend had kids she worked and had her own money, but her husband was very wealthy and came from a culture where the man gives the women a monthly allowance. So on top of her monthly pay cheque she earned at work, he would send her a monthly allowance to spend as she like on clothes, hobbies, etc. Not everyone wants to give partners FULL access of their bank accounts. And now that she does not work, she still gets monthly allowance from her partner, but its more as she does not work. She also has credit cards etc that he pays for. She saves some money monthly as well.

Once I became a SAHP we did it like this too. DH sends me money as I need it in large sums. He does not want me just having full access to his accounts. I can understand this, as I would not want someone having full access of my money either! In addition to the money dh sends me, I have my own savings.

So no, not all situations are abusive or stupid women.

Because you could be in an abusive relationship ... like I was with my ex husband.
I ended up leaving my jobs and relying on him for money- I had 0 income.
I also didn't have my own door key to our home because HE paid the rent..

I don't know who would "put themselves" voluntarily in that position but I was once that woman ... abusive relationships don't mean you just get hit by your husband. Financial abuse is a thing.

Don't know but then I'm astounded by the amount of women who post on here that tolerate shit men, dysfunctional families especially the blended ones and generally feel they can't be happy without some Wally in their lives.

And Joxer if I paid someone to care for my children youd consider them to be doing a job wouldnt you? So why is my doing it not the same? Why do you not consider that work?

And school is childcare... someone is getting paid to watch your kids. They arent just educated they are there all day under the supervision of various people paid to do that, which means you can work... if they weren't in school you would not be able to work because you would not be able to leave them unattended all day... and if they weren't in school they would need to be taught by you... which again is a job that a teacher would be paid for in a school... why do you think caring for children is only 'work' when its paid?

And Joxer if I paid someone to care for my children youd consider them to be doing a job wouldnt you? So why is my doing it not the same? Why do you not consider that work?

you’re reading what you want rather than what’s actually been said. Where, in any of my posts did I say what you do isn’t work? I said that you aren’t working harder than me during school hours just because your DC aren’t at school. I’m working during those hours too!

As for the rest, let’s see if you’re still saying you do all the childcare when your DC are in school 30 hours a week. I bet you are.

As for me- I do ALL childcare for my Dc.

I think you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position if you are completely financially reliant on anyone at all 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don't understand this. Does it have to be paid to the man? Can't the woman get paid it?
Universal Credit replaces 5 seperate state benefits: Jobseekers Allowance, Working Tax Credit, Child Tax Credit, Employment and Support Allowance and Income Support.
In the past a family might receive a few different benefits and the payee would vary. So husband might receive Jobseekers Allowance into his account. Wife would be paid Child Benefit and Child Tax Credit. Housing Benefit might go direct to the landlord.
What benefits are called matters. People do tend to sped them on what they're "meant" to be for. So Child Tax Credit and Child Benefit which have "child" in the name are generally assumed to be for the children and its therefore common practice for them to be paid to women. Women feel a sort of moral authority to them and men generally agree.
With Universal Credit all this money (except child benefit which is very low) gets paid to one person in the couple. Most men, even the most socially conservative of men, accept children's benefits as being for children (and by extension women's business). How many of those men would agree to the entire benefits income being paid to their wife? I would guess not many and I would expect payment to the man to become the default.
This a massive step backwards for women and will absolutely encourage financial abuse.

I probably count as someone who doesn't have my own financial security.

I get the benefits into my account, child benefit, DLA for my son and carers allowance for me.

Oh gets his income into his, he then transfers some money to mine twice a month as standard and offers more around Christmas/birthdays/school shopping etc..

However it is my Oh who has suggested I get a credit card that he pays off to increase my credit rating, we can't have a joint account atm because I don't have a decent credit score because I have never borrowed any money.

My parents have also kept my inheritance from my gran so that I can have it as and when I need it for me.

It works well for us, I don't ever feel I am without money and we are taking steps towards me having more financial independence. I only gave up work 2 years ago so this is quite a new situation for me to adjust to.

My parents have also kept my inheritance from my gran so that I can have it as and when I need it for me.

Whose idea was that?