Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why in 2019 some women are still completely financially dependent on men?

126 replies

MrsGrindah · 27/09/2019 22:22

I’m not talking about SAHPs , people who are ill etc. but have access to family money...I mean the women who are “given “
money but have no access to bank accounts. Why do people put themselves in that situation these days? Why would you even think that’s a good idea.?

OP posts:
littlehappyhippo · 27/09/2019 23:48

@MrsGrindah

I literally don't know a SINGLE woman - of any age - who fits the demographic you describe. Confused

Schwibble · 27/09/2019 23:51

*Sweettalking

There seems to be very little understanding of what it's actually like to be in an abusive situation on this site.*

^^This. Some women cannot just 'LTB' if they have no money, nowhere to go and no support.

Krisskrosskiss · 28/09/2019 00:01

What do you mean? I have no access to my husbands bank accounts.... he just gives me money each month. I am a SAHP though. I could probably demand to have access to his bank accounts..we did discuss getting a joint account.... but I dont see the point. I trust him to sort it and weve been together living like this for years and it's been working fine... I've no reason to not trust him. He splits what's left over after paying the mortgage and the utilities each month, between us. I know how much money I have and how to budget with it then. It's all very clear and simple for me... I think as a SAHM I also feel less like its 'his money' if I'm actually sent money into my own bank account rather than using a joint account or using his accounts.... once it's in my account its mine, he doesnt question what I spend it on or anything... I put some in my personal savings etc...

Ginnymweasley · 28/09/2019 06:40

kriss can you not see how that could very easily lead to financial abuse? You husband could very easily stop giving you money, he could be hiding money from you etc. I am a sahm and we just have a joint account and I have my own account that the child benefit goes into. We can therefore both keep an eye on finances, Bill's etc. Neither or us asks the other about spending unless it's a big purchase. It's not his money, its family money.

WellButterMyArse · 28/09/2019 07:18

They sleepwalk in and get stuck.

speakout · 28/09/2019 07:22

I don't know of anyone in this position

Pinkyyy · 28/09/2019 07:25

Most of the people I know are in this position, it's normal in my culture. Whatever is my husband's, is mine too and I spend what I like. I ask for money when I want/need it and it works just fine.

Teateaandmoretea · 28/09/2019 07:41

kriss can you not see how that could very easily lead to financial abuse? You husband could very easily stop giving you money, he could be hiding money from you etc. I am a sahm and we just have a joint account and I have my own account that the child benefit goes into. We can therefore both keep an eye on finances, Bill's etc. Neither or us asks the other about spending unless it's a big purchase. It's not his money, its family money.

Your situation could also turn into financial abuse as your husband has all the power, ultimately because he could stop paying his wages into the joint account. Probably that won't happen but by definition if there is a sole earner they have power over the money as it is paid to them into the account they direct their employer to put it into.

Stickybeaksid · 28/09/2019 07:49

I know two people in this situation. One family member who has a very lavish lifestyle but behind it all gets a very small amount every month off her husband and when it’s gone there is nothing more. He makes all financial decisions including the car she drives, where they go on hols etc. if he upped and left tomorrow she would have four kids and a few hundred quid and that’s all.

stucknoue · 28/09/2019 07:52

Because some choose it - I've been offered this (ran a mile) recently. Offered a home, car, holidays and an allowance if I move. I'm independent minded and have money but I can imagine that for other women it would be attractive at first and then they are kind of trapped

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 28/09/2019 07:54

Gosh..returned to this thread to see that people have massively misinterpreted my question. I wasn’t talking about abuse or rape. I was talking about couples who have that financial agreement between them...which then of course can be used against them . I was wondering why some women agree in the first place.

And I do know someone like that. Not sure why posters saying they don’t know anyone in that situation makes it any less true.

OP posts:
Turningtides · 28/09/2019 07:58

But what do you actually mean OP?

Do you mean a situation in which the DH gives the woman cash day to day, but she has no bank card?

Or do you mean a situation where he puts so much into an account each week or month for her and /or DC?

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 28/09/2019 08:02

Turningtides - the first one. Meaning the woman has no direct session funds.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 28/09/2019 08:03

Don't be disingenuous. It's victim blaming, plain and simple. Woman realises she is being abused. Has no money, family won't/can't help.

What's she supposed to do? Sleep with the kids under a bridge? File for divorce whilst sleeping under the same roof as the abuser? That sounds safe. The fact of the matter is, if a man chooses to abuse, it's incredibly difficult to leave if you don't have people willing to physically and financially assist you.

Perhaps the questions you should ask are:

  1. Who has the financial power; and
  2. Why they would want to put their financially dependent partner in such a perilous position?

Not "why do silly women put themselves in danger". Because that's just silly.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 28/09/2019 08:08

PicsinRed You are lecturing a woman who escaped an abusive marriage so back off please. That’s exactly why I’m asking the question. I’ll say it again because you are clearly not getting it. I am wondering why women in non abusive relationships agree to be given money rather than have direct access when it can so easily be used against them if the relationship goes wrong.

OP posts:
Nicola1892 · 28/09/2019 08:13

I don’t see the issue aslong as they are happy with the situation, my husband doesn’t have a bank, everything is in my name including his work accounts and I’m the only one that can authorise money going into his work accounts, we have never even spoken about changing the way it is and we both know the money is ours and we can spend any of it whenever we want.

Turningtides · 28/09/2019 08:14

OP, some families live literally hand to mouth. So maybe the DH gets paid cash for jobs when and as he can. He gives his wife what he can if she’s at home with the children. Not everyone has money in the bank!

ForalltheSaints · 28/09/2019 08:15

One of the reasons why I will always support the retention of cash as a payment option is because there are people (usually women) who have no bank account or access to one.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 28/09/2019 08:16

I did know someone like this. She met a partner he started of nice. He earned good money and she had a good job herself. After the birth of her twins he persuaded her to become a sahp. This is when things got really bad. He’d give her an allowance that she had to pay for everything out of including food, all bills and anything the girls needed. She had hardly any money as allowance did not cover all the out goings. She was isolated while he enjoyed himself out every night drinking and having lads holidays. He never did any childcare and expected his dinner on the table and to a lay in every weekend. She decided to go back to work and saved the deposit she needed for childcare, he hated this. She earns good money as luckily has a professional job. However she still doesn’t realise she’s in a abusive relationship and is still isolated from family and friends. I’m just glad she’s back at work getting adult company and earning her own money although things are tight still as he doesn’t help out. I know she will be stressing about Christmas, she used to love it. Sadly I can’t address any of the issue with her as I’ll be cut out of her life if I mention anything bad about him.

Flicketyflack · 28/09/2019 08:17

Why are you interested in what other people's arrangements are?

PicsInRed · 28/09/2019 08:18

The relationship you describe is already abusive and has already gone wrong. You (and they, possibly) just don't recognise that for the abuse it is.

Unless the partner being given an allowance is an active drug or gambling addict, withholding access to the main finances IS abuse. It's financial abuse, which is known as one of the main categories of domestic abuse.

Most women don't enter a relationship being told on day one "I'm taking what money you have and from now on you'll be given a pittance which isn't sufficient to feed you and our future children, but if you run out just come and - nicely - ask me for food money and I'll probably give you something".

Abuse begins slowly, with the pushing of barriers, with grooming of her and probably her friends and family so that she has no one on her side - because they've been pushed out or because they believe him to be a great guy and her, increasingly, to be an irresponsible loon.

You might not mean to victim blame, but you do. Its right there in your OP.

Original poster
MrsGrindah · 28/09/2019 08:19

It’s a speculative question promoted by reading about financial abuse. What’s wrong with that?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 28/09/2019 08:21

Also, escaping an abusive marriage isn't unique. Statistically lots of women find themselves in abusive relationships and many of the women on this site are in, or escaped such a relationship - myself included.

PicsInRed · 28/09/2019 08:23

I would advise you do more reading.
Start with the resources on the womens aid website and perhaps do the freedom programme which explains it all in good detail.

MissHemsworth · 28/09/2019 08:24

Because a series of events took place which lead me to be dependent financially on my husband (redundancy, birth of second child, fall out with my family, husband was promoted & working away a lot).

It made more sense for me to be at home with a baby & a toddler. My dependency on him quickly went to his head & turned into abuse. How I managed each month with all the bills, feeding the kids on the pittance I had was beyond me.

Things are much better/different now...mainly thanks to Mumsnet actually. Though I still feel like I haven't entirely forgiven him...

That period did however turn me into an absolute brutal budgeting queen (& I lost the baby weight quickly!).

Swipe left for the next trending thread