To ask why in 2019 some women are still completely financially dependent on men?

[MrsGrindah]

I’m not talking about SAHPs , people who are ill etc. but have access to family money...I mean the women who are “given “
money but have no access to bank accounts. Why do people put themselves in that situation these days? Why would you even think that’s a good idea.?

If you aren't talking about SAHPs or Mothers of SN children

If you aren't talking about abusive spouses

If you aren't talking about chronically ill or disabled women

But specifically healthy women, who don't need to stay home in non abusive scenarios who have to stand there each week whilst their DH gives out pocket money

Then I strongly suspect the sort of woman you are talking about doesn't exist in 2019

Because if it did it WOULD be abuse and you say you aren't counting abused women 🤔

Does this include the woman having her own bank account?

I agree with buzz.. No man says

Hi I'm Jim, I'm massively controlling, I'm going to flatter you and make you fall in love with me and then I'm going to turn into a jealous nightmare and control you...

Fancy a date?

So should we all structure our relationships as though the other partner is going to turn on us at some point

Or that something may happen to the partner who earns, or that the couple may split up. And the answer is yes.

all he has to do is wait until that's all dealt with then look at what's left over and split it down the middle.

If that’s all he has to do, then that’s all you would have to do too. Just transfer all the direct debits to your account.

It’s really not that much extra work managing your finances. I do it all plus ALL housework, childcare, house admin, school admin, food shopping and work full time.

@Imnotthrowingawaymyshot

Love your username

I agree, abuse creeps up by stealth, chips away at you slowly and you wake up one morning and realise you are trapped. All abusers come across as great guys to start with

This isn’t just a problem for women, my brother became a SAHP because his DS had a lot of developmental problems from the age of 2 and he and his wife decided my brother was better suited to look after him, both had good jobs. My SIL gives him a very small amount of money each month to live on - she keeps him poor and uses money to embarrass and humiliate him. I don’t know why she does this - she’s a good person in every other way.

I agree with buzz.. No man says

Hi I'm Jim, I'm massively controlling, I'm going to flatter you and make you fall in love with me and then I'm going to turn into a jealous nightmare and control you.

Of course not. But if women made a conscious decision before even dating anyone that they would a) always keep their own bank account b) always have their own salary/benefits/child related benefits paid into their own account and c) refuse to have children and be a SAHP with any one they aren’t married too and d) agree all financial arrangements/splits before any decisions (marriage- kids- SAHP- new jobs- mortgages) are made then they stand a far better chance of never getting far enough into a relationship with a financially controlling man in the first place. Because the things the man asked (just get your child benefit paid into my account- i’ll Give you it in cash) would be a breach of the woman’s personal financial rules so she wouldn’t agree.

Of course.

And if anyone needs reminding watch dirty john.

The lady he conned in the the end had her own very successful business!

she keeps him poor and uses money to embarrass and humiliate him. I don’t know why she does this - she’s a good person in every other way.

Then she’s not a good person.

Yes but in Dirty John she does come across as highly selfish, maybe a narcissist.

He hated her children and joked about killing one of them and she blithely sacrificed her relationships with them for him.

Joxer that's a good list.

We can all educate our dd as well as to what abuse is.
Watch dirty john with them, and the real life interviews as well by the mum and daughters.

Many women fall pregnant accidently. So marriage before May not be an option.

However bank accounts etc all work.

I'm much better with £ now, I ve always had own bank account, we have joint but that's for my security in reality I leave it up to dh to manage and do bills etc. I see all statements etc though. I just don't really use it unless I'm short in petrol or somewhere.

Whatever she is, she's still a savvy business woman and he was her 5th dh?

I was screaming at TV you selfish nasty cow...

But she's still v good illustration how anyone can be conned.. Should be compulsive viewing.

12:23JoxerGoesToStuttgart
That entails being an adult and taking control of your own life, the MN way seems to be to be so grateful for a relationship that you let your "partner" call all the shots. And of course have kids with no discussion about financial matters then wonder where it all went wrong.

That statement 'I'm no good with money so I leave it to DH/DW' should never be uttered by any woman (or indeed man) ever, under any circumstances. Anyone who perceives themselves as not good with money should proactively get help from an objective party or organisation to get better at dealing with money. Leaving this to a partner is just naive imo, no matter how great you think they are.

By the same token, no woman should be a SAHM without a very good exit strategy or plan for the future. There's no future in it, and no matter how great and understanding you think your DH is, that can go pear-shaped very, very fast at any time.

Having never been abused, I can't speak on abuse situations, except to say that's a very different scenario and I wouldn't necessarily include it in this discussion

But if women made a conscious decision before even dating anyone that they would a) always keep their own bank account b) always have their own salary/benefits/child related benefits paid into their own account and c) refuse to have children and be a SAHP with any one they aren’t married too and d) agree all financial arrangements/splits before any decisions (marriage- kids- SAHP- new jobs- mortgages) are made then they stand a far better chance of never getting far enough into a relationship with a financially controlling man in the first place.

This.

Op why post such a subject with that heading?you are judging and have not thought about how many people could find this upsetting.You might like to withdraw the post.
And it is not always the woman in your scenario.
Plus you could be bringing up distressing memories for people.
Really sad you felt you should post this.

the main earner pays their partner an ‘allowance’

This seems to be fround upon in MN land - yet in RL the SAHPs I knew who seemed terrified about spending money all had the MN gold standard of joint accounts and lots of arguments over what they spent money on.

I know at least one found their spouse still managed to hide money from them despite paying main wage into joint account.

I think being a SAHP does make you vulnerable - - but childcare costs and that families situations do mean that it's still the best option for the whole unit though wouldn't recommend it with out marriage and the limited protection that provides.

I don't know anyone with no access to a bank account - as most wages get paid directly in these days and even the yonger parenst I've met had few years of some kind of paid work under their belt before children.

Why should she withdraw the post? It's a valid question, and many of us have daughters, who we have to teach. It's a question that is valid to ask and yes it's often women, there are many threads on here where women put themselves willingly in this position then end up in real trouble.

That statement 'I'm no good with money so I leave it to DH/DW' should never be uttered by any woman (or indeed man) ever, under any circumstances. Anyone who perceives themselves as not good with money should proactively get help from an objective party or organisation to get better at dealing with money. Leaving this to a partner is just naive imo, no matter how great you think they are.

Yes^^

My situation, and this will be very boring as we hear exactly the same story on MN every other week, was that I had two DC with my ex- not married. He was earning well, childcare for two outstripped my salary, decision was made I become a SAHP. So I quit my job. 3 months later he left. With his salary. I had to claim income support and housing benefit. My only saving grace was that the tenancy agreement was in my name only so I got to stay in my home. If I had stayed in work in less than a year my eldest would have been in school and childcare bill would have dropped significantly. Had we stayed together his salary would have covered the shortfall in that time. It was just the easier option to SAH. The smarter option would have been to keep my own salary.

I have an ex colleague who works full time and is married to a retired police officer who allows her £20 a week for her spending money.
She doesn't know who her utility provider is or insurance details etc.
She will spend years unravelling all of this if he was to die suddenly.

Joxer if you work full time you are not doing all the childcare and it's your own finances you are sorting not someone elses income.... yes my husbands money is also mine but he is earning it he knows how much hes worked and when and what's coming in... surely you see that organising it for someone else is different from sorting your completely sole finances? I used to sort my finances when I was working...
This is not the situation I'm talking about

But if women made a conscious decision before even dating anyone that they would.... then they stand a far better chance of never getting far enough into a relationship with a financially controlling man in the first place

This is one reason why Universal Credit is so evil. By paying all the household benefit to one person, in a couple it completely normalises the idea of women being dependant on men.
With CTC and CB the expectation was generally that the woman claims. Ime this holds true even in the most social Conservative families and cultures.

I agree with all the comments about universal credit... it sets women up to be unable to escape abuse.

if you work full time you are not doing all the childcare

Yes I do. I work while my Dc are at school, then I do pick up, homework, make dinner, do clubs/hobby transport, bedtime then I work again for a few hours. I also work at weekends too. I do 40+ hours. That’s full time. I don’t outsource any childcare and my DC don’t see their father. It’s all me.

yes my husbands money is also mine but he is earning it he knows how much hes worked and when and what's coming in.

What he has coming in doesn’t change the direct debit amounts. They’re fixed. So it’s always a case of wages come in- bills paid- split what’s left between you. Regardless of who is looking after the account.

School is childcare. Someone is getting paid to care for your children whilst you are at work... it is childcare. So no you are not doing ALL the childcare. Your situation is not equivalent... it seems you are saying that having children in school full time constitutes the sane amount of work as having children not in school... that's just not true is it.

What he has coming in makes it harder to work out what is actually going to be money to budget for food with etc... he already knows what hours hes done and all the rest of it... again it IS more difficult to work out than just dealing with your own income.