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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I change my ds schools?

123 replies

Namechangewho · 27/09/2019 21:59

Name change as on previous post I didn’t reveal age or gender as was quite an unusual situation which could’ve been outed.
Ds (year 9) has been in school just under 4 weeks and has somehow managed to accumulate 20! (Yes, you read that correctly) detentions which is just unacceptable and has left me wondering whether his school is right for him and if a fresh start may be necessary.

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Original poster
Namechangewho · 27/09/2019 22:01

Sorry, when checking over dates I realised it’s only been just under 3 weeks which is just appalling!

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BarbariansMum · 27/09/2019 22:01

So who's being unacceptable- your ds or the school? What are these detentions for?

Original poster
Namechangewho · 27/09/2019 22:05

Considering my other dc went through the same school only having a few , if say my ds’ behaviour is unacceptable. From the conversations with teachers, it seems to be disruptive behaviour , missing detentions , not focussing and missing equipment over multiple occasions

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Artykitty666 · 27/09/2019 22:05

Well, it doesn't sound like the school are coping well.. After 19, as a teacher I'd probably draw the conclusion that number 20 was unlikely to solve anything and consider alternative options. However as a parent I'd be looking at why he is getting 20 detentions. Is that likely to change at a new school?

Pipandmum · 27/09/2019 22:11

My son got detentions for being late (he’d only be a few minutes but would miss registration). After a certain amount it was Friday detention. He’d also get the occasional one for being too noisy and chatty in class. I told the school demerit points or afternoon detentions wouldn’t do anything - tell him he’d forfeit the next rugby match would get his attention though - that worked.
Presumably you’ve sat your son down for a talk and met with the school and whomever does pastoral care? Moving schools won’t solve anything.

Original poster
Namechangewho · 27/09/2019 22:13

Yes, we had a meeting at the start of this year about last years behaviour ect.

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Original poster
Namechangewho · 27/09/2019 22:18

What is your reasoning behind believing that moving school will not change anything

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twoshedsjackson · 27/09/2019 22:18

How does this compare with Yrs 7 and 8? Has he just started at the school? (seems unlikely if his siblings went there?)
Is a new head being a "new broom" with behaviour policies? Mass reformation following an iffy Ofstead?
I have seen some pupils blossom in a new school, but I'm afraid that many can carry their same old problems to a new setting.
As you are already communicating with the school, it might be worth considering whether he has come under the influence of a new, strong personality in his peer group? Who is he trying to impress?
I agree with Artykitty66 that a change of tactics is needed.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 27/09/2019 22:18

What do you mean, ‘whether his school is right for him’? Surely the issue is his behaviour?

MollyButton · 27/09/2019 22:18

You need to contact the school for an urgent meeting about this. To be honest the biggest reason I would have to move him is that they haven't contacted you about this. Does the head of year/form tutor not know about how many detentions he has had? I wonder about their behaviour monitoring systems (or are some of these just "unofficial detentions" of being kept in 5 minutes after class?).
When you had a meeting at the start of the year about last years behaviour (which is too late really), was your son present? What does he say about his behaviour? (And does he have an SEN which makes being organised difficult - dyslexia and dyspraxia can both affect organisation.)

Original poster
Namechangewho · 27/09/2019 22:24

He wasn’t perfect in years 7 and 8 however, he got less detentions ect than he does now. I viewed these detentions on the online parental system so not sure whether school are aware.It is the same headteacher and there is no stricter policies which have been put in place that I’m aware of.

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Foxyloxy1plus1 · 27/09/2019 22:24

The reasoning for believing that changing schools will not change anything is that he will take the behaviour with him. What needs to change is his attitude towards school and learning.

If you had a meeting about last year’s behaviour, then this must be a longer term issue than just this term. If detentions aren’t encouraging him to alter his behaviour, what do you think might?

Original poster
Namechangewho · 27/09/2019 22:27

Possibly was an issue last year but it wasn’t as big as it is now

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Aprillygirl · 27/09/2019 22:32

It's your son's behaviour that's the problem here, not the school. He obviously isn't too bothered by the detentions so why don't you try giving him consequences for his bad behaviour at home?

Original poster
Namechangewho · 27/09/2019 22:36

I’ve already tried multiple things such as cancelling football, taking away phone , grounding ect but nothing seems to be going through to him and I’m out of options. It’s not as if he doesn’t care about school because he’s told me he wants good results so I don’t know why the behaviour is happening.

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SD1978 · 27/09/2019 22:37

What does he say? According to the examples, he's missed detentions, so juts not turned up. Not been paying attention and lost/broken school equipment. Does he agree? Has his behaviour changed at home? Do the school feel he has significantly changed? If he was fine in year 7&8 at the same school- it seem that the change has happened with him if suddenly year 9 is a disaster. Would he want a brand new school with having to make new friends? This is more than juts a he doesn't like it issue- his behaviour has deteriorated significantly in a very short time fram and that is what seems to need to be addressed.

youarenotkiddingme · 27/09/2019 22:38

Moving schools will depend on circumstances.

If he's got into a negative cycle whereby he can't seem to change his behaviour due to his position with his peers and even if he tries hard any small thing gets noticed because "he's in the radar" then a new setting may help as a fresh start. That's why they have a system called managed moves.

But for it to work your ds needs to want and to be able to change the behaviour.

My ds was always in trouble in first secondary. Slightly different because he has send and they weren't supporting.

New setting supported and although he didn't change their attitude towards him was one of support and wanting to help him.

He now is way better and calmer.

But he didn't have bad behaviour and wasn't disruptive so it's not entirely comparable other than to show a move can be positive.

Original poster
Namechangewho · 27/09/2019 22:40

He was usually in trouble in year 8 , not so much in year 7, but i feel he’s getting worse

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Ohnononono · 27/09/2019 22:42

So re the missing detentions. Do you not get notification from the school that he’s been set a detention? Do you check with him that he has attended them?

Equipment - why is this missing? Doesn’t he have it all in his school bag? Is it lost, forgotten, or is he deliberately not taking it? My DD Y9 keeps all her equipment in her bag so she has it everyday, and asks me if she needs anything replacing.

Disruptive behaviour - I would be very cross about this. He is showing a lack of respect to the teacher, and ruining his own and his classmates’ education. What are the consequences?
If my DCs did this I would be taking away privileges / phones / screens / grounding etc.

Re lack of focus - that’s trickier - depends on what is causing this.

Ohnononono · 27/09/2019 22:46

Sorry cross posted, I see you answered some questions above.
My DSs school send a text when they get a detention so you would know straight away. I think having to log-on a website to check isn’t very practical....

Original poster
Namechangewho · 27/09/2019 22:48

No, unless it’s afterschool, we don’t get a notification of when it is. I bought him all new equipment at the start of the year so not sure where that’s all disappeared to. I also have been told it’s not bringing the actual excessive books with him.

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Original poster
Namechangewho · 27/09/2019 22:48

*exercise books

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Original poster
Namechangewho · 27/09/2019 22:56

Also , In response to your statement, I’ve tried grounding and taking away electronics ect but I can’t get anything to work

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MollyButton · 28/09/2019 06:01

I had a strict policy of not punishing at home for things that had already been punished at school. (Other than "talking" about it.)

It sounds as though your son has genuine organisational issues.
I would also like to know if the school has implemented a "back to basics" type campaign - my DCs school did one and one DD got a lot of detentions suddenly.

You do need to talk to him about where the issues are, what equipment he is missing, having lots of spares can help. And even if anyone is interfering with his stuff or bullying him. Is he lending stuff to friends?
And simple organisational tricks like separate folders to store equipment for certain lessons, could help.
Is he getting into trouble in a wide range of lessons or is it confined to a few?

And again I would want a meeting to discuss the issue. As obviously detentions aren't working.
What does the school suggest? Can they provide support?

Rickytickytembo · 28/09/2019 06:10

You need to meet with school and agree a plan. Suggest drawing up a 'behavioural contract' with son and school whereby he earns points for good behaviour and penalty points for bad. Certain number of points at the end of each week gets a certain (commensurate) reward.

I would also be taking him to a educational psychologist to put in behavioural strategies at home. How's his attention?

Does he play lots of sports to get the energy out?