Do I change my ds schools?

[Namechangewho]

Name change as on previous post I didn’t reveal age or gender as was quite an unusual situation which could’ve been outed.
Ds (year 9) has been in school just under 4 weeks and has somehow managed to accumulate 20! (Yes, you read that correctly) detentions which is just unacceptable and has left me wondering whether his school is right for him and if a fresh start may be necessary.

You really need to flag this all up to school!
My middle DC coped fine at Primary - except she wasn't she just didn't cause enough problems for them to notice and was coasting along at the "middle of the class". At secondary I got her put on the SEN register - and they discovered by testing that she had processing issues. It could well be that your son does too. And if you ensure that they test him he could get special accommodations in exams.

You do sound very laid back as a parent to me. I think you need to get a bit more involved, both with him and school.

Or treat him like a toddler who keeps getting out of bed, take away all electronics, take away football don’t scream or shout just take away anything he is doing instead of homework.. don’t return electronics or seeing friends until you see an improvement in behaviour. He sounds like he is looking for attention or could it be possible SEN?

No I'd ask for a meeting with his HOY and discuss some different approaches as obviously detentions are not working are they? He's obviously playing up/acting out for a reason.

Otherwise he's going to be suspended and then expelled anyway.

My eldest son is only 7 at the moment and I'm saying this is probably what I'd do. I appreciate I have no experience with teen boys - and from what I've read on here I am seriously dreading their secondary school years. Seems to be mostly teen boys that people are having issues with at the momentand there was me thinking I'd escaped the hormonal teenage daugher stuff!!

I’ve asked him why multiple times and he gives me the same answer of ‘I don’t know’ every time.

Namechangewho "I think ,personally, he would fear it. An incentive is a good idea which hopefully will work."

That's good, be the good cop, not wanting to change schools, wantimg to help him get to bottom of issues etc. Don't threaten a move if he would fear it. Fear is not a good motivation IMHO.

Maybe he is soending his days day dreaming, ignoring school demands etc, try and get to the bottom of what he thinks is going on. You've said lots of nice things about him, clever, good friends etc.

Make sure he knows how you feel about him! Positive, wanting the best and believing his attitude can match up to his potential. Parental belief can be a good tool.

Ok, he doesn't 'know' why, but maybe subconciously something if affecting him. Maybe a but more general talking would help him. It could be a bit of fears around growing up, I'm guessing here, but talking about future plans etc might real he has none (and it worries him) or he is so.ply struggling with this stage. Of course he could just be lazy! My 9 year old is lazy but sometimes really gets onto a task when offered help and enjoys it!

Curiosity is yoir friend here, find out what's making him tick. He may not actoceky know why but if his behaviour is being affected by thoughts/feelings these could leak out.

He probably does care. But once a child gets to the point that even with loads of effort they are 'failing' and getting into trouble they do eventually give up.

It may just be laziness or maybe something else.

But whatever it is you need to get to the bottom of it for your son.

I'd start with earning PlayStation.

So he has to do all homework and show you. It must be to a good standard.
He has to pack bag and you check it.

When it's done he gets PlayStation.

This should at least give you an idea of how easy these tasks are for him.
Plus the stick carrot generally works better in unmotivated teens than the punishment tact.

Sorry , what’s the stick carrot? I’ve never heard of that phrase before.

He probably doesn't know why.
The poster who is terrified of Spiders elsewhere on MN doesn't really know why she is frightened.
My older DC when depressed didn't know why their anxiety about doing tasks stopped them doing those tasks, starting those tasks and even caused them to try to avoid thinking about the tasks.
Talking can help, but just asking Why is probably a waste of time. It is more helpful to ask about how he feels and to try to give him techniques to get easy wins. Such as sorting out his books with him, and having stuff organised in easy to grab folders. Also getting him to have a routine for a regular homework time every day, and a place to do it, with help/supervision available (I would be preparing dinner whilst my DC were at the kitchen table).

If a DC proves they can get everything done independently then more freedom can be given, but even then good habits help a lot.

Stick or carrot.
Give someone a stick - beat them - means a punishment.
A carrot - food - means a reward.

If you don’t get any detentions this week, I’ll buy you a new PS game - carrot.
If you get a detention, you can’t use your PS - stick.

Doesn't sound to me like sanctions/criticism are helping/going to help at all. He is just becoming desensitised to them and defensive. And things will spiral downward unless someone connects with him. Later then they sometimes start smoking weed to deal with the anxiety underneath...

Y9 is a pretty difficult age for boys I think, becoming a man, but still quite emotionally needy, wanting to look strong in front of mates etc. The solution is something to do with finding motivation/reasons to engage. Does he have some positive male role models? Can you get him a new hobby? A career aspiration? Drama, music, cadets whatever he likes. Agree get rid of the electronics temporarily until things improve and make sure there are no learning issues underlying this.

Yes I'd move him

Not for his benefit.

For the kids who his dodgy, rude and ignorant behaviour disrupts.
And then teach him some basic manners before subjecting him to another school. It's not hard to check they've got all their gear for the day either. I check my two have every day.
Sounds like you're blaming the school when you're the slack one here.

Considering he was year 9, I didn’t expect to have to check him everyday but that’s obviously not the case. I’m sceptical of the idea that there may be learning difficulties as he has always been in top 5/10 of this class and never any major issues brought up re Sen ect

You are confusing SpLD with a lack of intelligence, definitely not usually the case. In fact the intelligence can cause deep frustration but enable them to devise strategies to avoid dealing with the issue - like rudeness, defiance, rushing work, not engaging - and mask it. If he is bright and can be enthusiastic in some topics but can't engage well or express it on paper these are classic traits.

Do you know if his friends are also getting detentions?

Not sure about his friends, they seem to be nice boys though and not the type to be a bad influence. On paper he is (mostly) quite clever and gets brilliant scores but I feel he’s slipping especially with subjects such as science

Google adhd and organisation.

Theres some great ideas on helping organise. I'd also look up inattentive adhd as you can adhd without being hyperactive

Btw if he is naturally very bright, most inattentive adhd can hide it quite well until their natural intelligence cant balance up.with the fact they have to work

Okay thanks @waveysnail

ADHD isn't a learning difficulty op, it's a neurodevelopmental disability. DD was near the top too despite the disorganisation and inability to concentrate which she masked well. Once diagnosed and medicated she flew. 3 A*Levels all in the region of 98 to 99% and picked up her music again, achieving a distinction for grade 8. Her recovery was consolidated during a gap year during which she applied to Cambridge. She is going back for her 2nd year next week.

An inability to organise is one of the characteristics as is a lack of focus/being easily distracted. Its very much the Cinderella of the SEN world and brighter children often mask it well - worth looking at

This ^ and echo all the other posters who have given examples.

I’ve asked him why multiple times and he gives me the same answer of ‘I don’t know’ every time
That's because he seriously does not know and can't verbalise it to you because he can't compare how he processes things to the way other kids do.

He needs to be tested, at the very least for his processing speed and executive function. Explanation here (and lots of other sites)
www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/executive-functioning-issues/3-areas-of-executive-function

Arrange an urgent meeting with the SENCO - yes, I know they should have spotted it, but they haven't, read as much as you can, then ask SENCO to support you in getting your son assessed.

Avoidance of homework could occur because a pupil genuinely doesn't know how to begin a task.

My dyspraxic DD just could not do open ended tasks. Simple things like 'Describe your best birthday' would throw her as she wouldn't know which was her best birthday and even if she did would say she didn't know what they wanted. I had to sit with her, help her pick out things she could say. Straight forward worksheets were fine, anything requiring planning or inspiration she just couldn't do.

I'm not saying the OP's son has dyspraxia or another SpLD but I think it should be ruled out before assuming he is not trying / badly behaved.

Why would you think moving schools would help? He's still going to be the same kid, doing the same behaviours just in a new school. You need to focus on helping him help himself. Why on earth are you letting him do his homework on the bus?? Why haven't you got a routine in place i.e ab hour's homework at the dining table as soon as he gets in. Then he needs to show you it. After he needs to check his diary for the next day and pack his bag ready. Then, and only then, he had free time and can play on his play station etc. The onus really is on you to support him

I used to do that in primary but I didn’t expect to have to do it now. You have to have patience with him as he won’t just sit there and get on with it. He will sit and stare or doodle before he even writes his name.

OP this is interesting

1. Rewards are more efficient, in terms of learning, than punishments

“Adolescents respond better to immediate rewards than to punishment.

“That’s sometimes hard when we’re dealing with adolescents, whether we’re parents or teachers, but actually remembering that can be useful.”