To think my Mil should stop mentioning nursery every we see her?

[PedroTheCowboy]

My Mil always mentions nursery when she is here. She keeps saying dc won't get into a good school if he doesn't go to nursery because primary schools have a "feeder" nursery school. Is that the case? Also AIBU to think how me and dh raise our dc is none of her business and to mention the same thing every time she is here is rather annoying?

Some nursery schools are feeder schools, yes.

What’s your authority for that @NoSauce?

YANBU

As long as you're engaging with them, supporting their interests in exploring the world and talking to them lots, they do not need to go to nursery.

It's fine to send a child to nursery if you want to or need to. If you don't, it's fine to keep them with you until they start school. They won't miss out unless there's an issue with your parenting.

Just ignore the pressure and carry on doing what you're doing.

YANBU

Your MIL is being an interferring baggage and clearly wants to shunt you to work ASAP. Nurseries aren't necessary for the majority of state school admittance criteria, they aren't necessary for "socialisation" assuming you are a normal, sociable person you goes out and about with your child, and hell, it's not her business

Example from my own EA booklet.

YANBU

Just wanted to correct pp. It is not true anywhere I know of in Scotland. This is because almost all primary schools are within Local Authority catchment areas designated by where you live, not where you went to nursery (the exceptions are around Gaelic medium education).

People often make the mistake of thinking securing a place in an attached nursery will secure them a placing request in the primary school. That is not how it works. It doesn't even give priority in placing requests.

Different areas have different rules. In our area nursery attendance is not taken in to consideration on applications (it goes LAC/adoption, SEN, sibling already at school, proximity to school, church attendance, OTHER).

And from a local nursery application form.

Look on your local council school application guidelines. Unless you are sending to some sort of selective school or private school then schools in our area are allocated by catchment area and if over subscribed, distance to the school (including some other factors such as adopted children and those with siblings at the school have priority). The school applications specifically say if you go to pre school this will not be taken into account when offering places for primary. Just send her a link to read

In my opinion YABU.
Some schools do, a lot of them don't Here's one state school (C of E) which does.
www.st-matthews.merton.sch.uk/
So make a list of the schools in the area, and phone them up and ask the question about how they admit children. Personally, I was very ignorant about schools and I was very grateful to people who gave me advice. Listen and learn.

urkidding where do you get that from? The nursery admissions policy of the school you linked says clearly “a place in the nursery does not guarantee admission to the main school” and the school admissions policy doesn’t mention nursery attendance as any of its criteria.

@urkidding- that school doesn’t mention nursery attendance as a criterion.....

Think she works on the board of a school
Ahhhh - of course......that's why she considers herself an expert on what is best for YOUR child!

First it was for social skills and now its to get into primary school....mil has been talking about nursery since I was 12 weeks pregnant. She also tried to bribe dh by saying she would pay for part of nursery before he was even 1. She was also strongly against bf. She has an opinion on everything...Mil was definitely against me giving up work

You know - she can only do all this because both of you ALLOW her to.
Where's your boundaries?
Stop giving her so much information about your dc and life if she can't control her reactions/responses.
She seems to think she has a right to be involved and consulted in how you and dh manage your relationship and parental responsibilities.

The work thing - i think that's probably more to do with underlying jealousy than just about her son being the only 'breadwinner'.
Was she a SAHM when DH was little?
Cos it sounds to me like she resents you having the choice to not work outside the home....and being able to spend 'alone' time with your dc/bonding.

You both need stronger boundaries with her - and a very firm and assertive "mind you own business/respect our right to choose" when she starts commenting on your parenting and decisions.
Don't allow her to undermine and disrespect you.

I think my MIL is still surprised my DD got a place at the local school despite me failing to ‘put her name down’ shortly after she was born (I followed the local authority application procedures instead).

It's not true in a lot of places. Ask her for evidence. If it's just someone else say so, say "well, that's someone else's word".

YANBU

To be fair, there are plenty of mumsnetters who believe entirely incorrect things about school admissions. Several on this very thread!

Yes @BertrandRussell, even after they have read the school’s admissions policy...

Does your mother-in-law actually like you? Or are you just a sponge for her son’s money and an incubator for her grandchild?

What’s your authority for that @NoSauce**

I’ve seen a primary school website stating they are a feeder school for a local comp and many years ago my children’s nursery was known as a feeder school for the primary school.

Things might have changed regarding primary admissions but it definitely remains the same at the primary to secondary schools that I know of.

@ NoSauce thanks for clarifying. Primary to secondary is completely different.

We use a private nursery atm to cover working hours and our eldest is doing his pre school year there.

We could have applied to school nurseries, and our HV was insistent that if we didn't he wouldn't get in the school we desired.

We are in the process of now applying for reception year and every prospectus we have read and the local authority website states that being in the school nursery WILL NOT have a bearing on whether the child gets into reception at that school.

For us it has cemented our decision to keep him where he is, as I didn't want him going to his current daycare, then moving to school nursery, and then having to move to another school for reception all in 3 years (not to mention having to change before and after school childcare) it just seemed a lot of change for a little child.

It may not be the same everywhere, but I live away from my family and their areas are the same as mine.

I would just explain you are happy with the current plan for your child, and repeat!!

SavingSpaces2019
She definitely thinks she has a right to manage her adult children's relationships and parental responsibilities. Trying to get dh to put boundaries up and not tell her everything is difficult. Getting him to tell her to mind her own business seems like something that will never happen. Also bil is worse and asks mil for advice and let's her dictate his life so I think that spurs her on.
I think Mil was a sahm for a bit until dh was in school and his younger siblings went to nursery. She often complains DH's father did nothing to help even when she did bulk of childcare and worked full time.

LovePoppy
That's probably how she sees me. Though she didn't want us to have children. But now dc is here she is just full of opinions on how to raise him.

In the process of looking at admissionn requirements for every primary school in the city and writing it all down so I can show mil next time I see her. So far none of them mention nursery school

Some faith schools here have feeder nurseries but they are in the minority. You're right to check the school admissions criteria in your city/town. It sounds far off but you're also worth checking secondary school admissions as some faith schools have feeder primary schools that get priority.

However, going to nursery school has really benefitted DS, so when the time comes, it's certainly worth considering sending your DC even if you're a SAHM. They are doing quick re-caps in Reception currently and it seems like it would be a steep learning curve for any children who didn't attend nursery last year. DS is doing a letter sound a day re-cap, but last year in nursery they did a letter sound a week!

If you wanted to get your own back even further, I would express great surprise that as a Governor of an LA primary school she doesn't know this. (Doesn't apply if it's private school or secondary). But the Governors should be reviewing the school Admissions Policy for 2021/22 this term so that it can go to consultation for all parents and would be parents via the school website later this year.
Surely her school is doing this? If not they may need to look at updating their governors training post haste and you could ponder what other areas they are falling down in....

She does sound overbearing and I agree that you have every right to raise your DC as you see fit...

But:

There are so many benefits to DC being at a feeder nursery, the biggest of which (IMO) is that when they do go into reception, it is far less of a big deal than if they were going somewhere completely new where they don't know anybody.

I have seen many very unhappy, unsettled DCs in the first few weeks of Reception; its a big change for them and being in a familiar setting, with familiar children is a great comfort to them.