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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not let MIL watch my dd and I have swim lessons

164 replies

KKAK · 27/09/2019 08:42

From 2 weeks after giving birth, my MIL started telling me how I should start to think about losing weight. From 6 weeks after birth, almost every day she would offer to look after my dd and pester me to go for a jog to lose weight. She would always make comments whenever I had chocolate or crisps.

I got told that "if this is my state after 1 child, what will you be like after the second child"... This was 5 months after birth, I could get back into my size 10 Jeans however I had a lot of loose skin and big arms. She'll compare me to her daughter, telling me how skinny her daughter is after 2 children.

Now at 7 months I've started taking my dd to swimming lessons. My husband told me that his mum wants to watch. I flat out said no because I'm going to feel very self conscious about my weight in front of her in a swimming costume. This was relayed to her. The following day she saw my swimming costume hanging in the garden, she went out of her way to check the label for size. She then said to me that "size 12 isn't too bad, but dont get too comfortable now and think it's ok to stay a size 12". There's no way I would let her come swimming and she thinks I am being unreasonable but I disagree. Am I right to not let her watch?

OP posts:

littlehappyhippo · 27/09/2019 11:02

Fuck me! This is the second thread today, about an older (female) family member slagging off a younger one for her weight! And LOADS of women are popping onto the threads saying they have suffered/are suffering the same.

I am so sorry you are having this shit thrown at you @KKAK and of COURSE YANBU.

These women do need kicking into line and telling off. I think the men in the family (fathers, uncles, and HUSBANDS,) should be telling these women to STFU and leave the young women alone!

WHY are our men not defending us against these toxic harridans?

Serenity45 · 27/09/2019 11:09

Jesus Christ this thread has given me the absolute RAGE on your behalf OP. Do not tolerate this shit she sounds like a grade A cunt

frazzledasarock · 27/09/2019 11:14

She constantly criticises your weight?

Tell her to fuck off and go eat a doughnut she’s clearly hangry. If she gets annoyed tell her you’re ‘saying it how it is’

She’d not be seeing me or my child ever if she were my mil. Don’t need my dd’s picking up that kind of unhealthy attitude.

Derbee · 27/09/2019 11:17

Tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to shut up and keep her offensive views to herself. Explain that if she can’t, contact with your DD will VERY limited as you don’t want your DD having to put up with comments, and getting issues around food and weight pushed on her.

Every time she slips up, and says something about you or your weight, I would say something back, so she learns that feelings get hurt.
MIL: you look fat
YOU: you look old
MIL: you shouldn’t eat that
YOU: you shouldn’t wear that
Etc etc.

What a cow. I definitely couldn’t hold my tongue. I’d give it right back to her. Bloody cheek

HotChocWithCream · 27/09/2019 11:21

If my MIL behaved like this after repeated warnings/arguments about her conduct then I’d simply refuse to be around her.

I expect everyone in my life to show me the respect I give them. If she can’t then I’d simply bin her MIL or not. Life’s too short to be continually dealing with idiots like this.

MulticolourMophead · 27/09/2019 11:25

WHY are our men not defending us against these toxic harridans?

Because it's endemic in society. Men fat shame women especially when they are still dating.

NearlyGranny · 27/09/2019 11:27

OP, your MiL basically wants you to disappear.

Your DH needs to do three things: warn his mother that her toxic obsession cannot be brought into your family's life in any way; refrain from bring any comments she makes to your attention; bar her from contact if she re-offends.

SirVixofVixHall · 27/09/2019 11:29

My MIl also comments on my weight almost every time I see her. My weight fluctuates because of a medical condition, (thyroid) which she knows, but she still comments. I have been up and down from a 10 up to a 12-14. I have gone back down to a 10 after being more careful about what I eat, and she said “you have lost a HUGE amount of weight” as though I had been 25 stone ! Sil has an eating disorder, yet Mil seemingly can’t stop monitoring my weight. Grrrr.
Am reading with interest as I also don’t know how to deal with it, and have daughters.

AmIThough · 27/09/2019 11:31

My MIL always tells me I look really slim when I'm 2 stone heavier than I was when I met her two years ago. I know she's lying but I love her for it

Why would she want to watch you swim anyway? That's creepy.

Just keep saying "oh MIL your tash is getting really dark, do you want me to get you some wax strips?"

MatildaTheCat · 27/09/2019 11:37

YOu made a mistake in your thread title. It should have been:

AIBU to avoid seeing my MIL at all?

My MIL really damaged my self esteem with similar comments. Put things right for me by dealing with it better than I did?

AmIThough · 27/09/2019 11:41

I don't why my post says 2 years ago. I haven't put on 2 stone in 2 years. It's been 6 years...

pooboobsleeprepeat · 27/09/2019 11:45

This has got to stop now. How will you feel if she starts making comments like this to your child?

brassbrass · 27/09/2019 11:46

Am reading with interest as I also don’t know how to deal with it, and have daughters.

You shut it down completely. Tell them any comments regarding anyone's weight/size are unwelcome and banned as far as they are concerned and they should prepare for robust consequences should they fail to comply.

I don't understand why people put up with this. My MIL and GMIL used to have a running commentary throughout every meal together as to how much my boys ate (or didn't eat). They (including SIL) have issues with food and have never been slim people though they've never been worryingly obese either. When I noticed it was a pattern I told them to keep their comments to themselves as I didn't have issues with how much they ate and wasn't looking to make it one. You do have to be blunt with people like this.

MapMyMum · 27/09/2019 11:47

This is about way more than just how she makes you feel. Imagine when your dd understands what mil is saying and how that could seriously affect her self image if she doesnt have supermodel proportions. If that were me Id tell her to either shut up or she will have minimal contact with her granddaughter

Singlenotsingle · 27/09/2019 11:50

It's not right to always say what you think. What happened to kindness?

EKGEMS · 27/09/2019 11:50

You are very unreasonable-allow her to come to the aquatic center and then give her swimming lessons with a concrete kick board!

MissLadyM · 27/09/2019 11:52

What a cow! You're clearly slim (although it doesn't matter if you arent). She's a stupid rude cunt. I would give her a piece of my mind. She's toxic and should keep her views to herself!

TriciaH87 · 27/09/2019 11:54

I think I would have punched her by now. Tell your dh to get his mum in check before she lands up with a black eye.

Thehop · 27/09/2019 11:57

My mum is very slim. I’m not.

She’s been horrible to me about it my whole life and when I had my daughter she clearly passed it on.

She saw my baby eating toast at 11 months and asked me why I was giving her carbs as I’d make her pudgy and looked at me meaningfully.

We’re NC now for many reasons but that was one mail in the coffin.

Keep her away, it’s poisonous.

MsFrosty · 27/09/2019 12:24

She can FUCK right off

lovelygreenjumper · 27/09/2019 12:50

@diddl She's not concerned though is she?

I suppose that was my point really- if she's asked to explain her 'interest' in her DIL's weight she will either have to acknowledge that it's for unkind/selfish/irrational reasons or make up an excuse (probably re 'health' which can be easily countered) so SHE'll feel awkward (rather than making DIL feel awkward).

diddl · 27/09/2019 14:57

"I suppose that was my point really"

Ah, OK, sorry if I misunderstood.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/09/2019 16:06

MIL started telling me how I should start to think about losing weight. From 6 weeks after birth, almost every day she would offer to look after my dd and pester me to go for a jog to lose weight
What a nasty and manipulative bitch she is!
It's plainly obvious she's bullying you about your weight to force you 'out of the way' so she can have alone time with your dc....and she wants to be involved in everything you do with your dc.

Seeing she believes it's ok to say exactly what you feel - how about you give her some insightful truths of her behaviour?
Including that her own son finds her overbearing and interfering?
She obviously hates knowing that you have his full support too!

Lllot5 · 27/09/2019 16:08

I wouldn’t talk to her let alone let her come swimming.

Louiselouie0890 · 27/09/2019 16:15

If she went to check my clothes she wouldn't be allowed in my home again.

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