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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let MIL watch my dd and I have swim lessons

164 replies

KKAK · 27/09/2019 08:42

From 2 weeks after giving birth, my MIL started telling me how I should start to think about losing weight. From 6 weeks after birth, almost every day she would offer to look after my dd and pester me to go for a jog to lose weight. She would always make comments whenever I had chocolate or crisps.

I got told that "if this is my state after 1 child, what will you be like after the second child"... This was 5 months after birth, I could get back into my size 10 Jeans however I had a lot of loose skin and big arms. She'll compare me to her daughter, telling me how skinny her daughter is after 2 children.

Now at 7 months I've started taking my dd to swimming lessons. My husband told me that his mum wants to watch. I flat out said no because I'm going to feel very self conscious about my weight in front of her in a swimming costume. This was relayed to her. The following day she saw my swimming costume hanging in the garden, she went out of her way to check the label for size. She then said to me that "size 12 isn't too bad, but dont get too comfortable now and think it's ok to stay a size 12". There's no way I would let her come swimming and she thinks I am being unreasonable but I disagree. Am I right to not let her watch?

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 27/09/2019 09:41

Honestly for your daughter’s sake as much as your own, draw a line now. Don’t allow crucial comments about people’s appearance in your home.

RhiWrites · 27/09/2019 09:42

Crucial should be “critical”.

Mia1415 · 27/09/2019 09:43

"MIL, I'm very conscious of your unhealthy obsession with other people's weight and dress size. I will simply not tolerate any more comments from you about my, or anyone else's body. I cannot have such a psychologically damaging and unhealthy attitude around my daughter as she grows up. Either you need to stop or I will have to limit your contact with your grandchild. From now on, if you ever make negative comments about weight or body type, you will be told in no uncertain terms to leave. Do you understand?"

THIS! Say this.

Sneezeandooops · 27/09/2019 09:44

What a nasty person! If you continue with the weight shaming you wont be seeing my daughter or myself never mind at a swimming lesson!

I had comments from a relative 12 hours after the birth of my first " thought your belly would be smaller, are you sure there isnt another one in there"..... was immediately told to leave the house

eddielizzard · 27/09/2019 09:44

I would be severely limiting time with her. She's bad for your mental health. Absolutely no way should she be watching swimming lessons. Whatever on earth for?!?!

mbosnz · 27/09/2019 09:45

Definitely not being unreasonable, why would you open yourself up to yet more abuse from that vile woman?

I'm afraid I'd be hard put not to turn around and look at her with complete and utter contempt and say something along the lines of 'God you're absolutely revolting, you know that? Why the hell would I care what a vile, toxic person like you thinks? Why don't you, just for once in your life, do something positive and productive - like shutting the hell up? Before you've completely ruined the relationship between this family and your nasty little self?'

Okay, I'd most probably never do it. But God I'd want to.

Pcosmama · 27/09/2019 09:47

Wow what a bully! There's no way I'd let her come. A size 12 isn't acceptable?! Jesus. I bet her daughters are skinny after birth because they have severe complexes or even eating disorders brought on by her criticism.

And I would be especially firm when she comments on your weight ad it won't be long before your little one is picking up on these comments and that could be damaging to her too.

She's clearly a very insecure pitiful woman.

whatsthecraic91 · 27/09/2019 09:48

She sounds like an absolute fucker, I wouldn’t speak to that ever again.

candycane222 · 27/09/2019 09:49

I suspect she has an eating disorder. My MiL is a bit more self-aware in that she doesn't comment on my weight to my face, but she constantly comments on other people's (well, women's).

I have made teen dcs aware that I think she has an odd attitude to weight, so hopefully they see her priorities in a critical light.

Glad your DH has your back here.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 27/09/2019 09:50

Wow. She doesn’t understand the basic concept that if you want to spend time with your grandchild you should not be a venomous judgmental bitch to your DIL. Glad your DH has your back. I think I’d be doing more than just banning her from the swimming lessons.

Does she have a haggard pinched lemon-sucking face? When you go to hers does she serve lettuce and celery with a chaser of clear broth? Christmas must be a fucking riot.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 27/09/2019 09:52

I also would consider how having a woman like this in your daughter life will effect her. She will start to extend these comments to your children.

Even if comments are made to you only, not to your child (ren) they'll have an effect.

She needs to stop saying this stuff or else have very little contact with you and DD.

Pancakeflipper · 27/09/2019 09:53

Do not let her near your child. You really do not want your child picking up her issues on body image. It's a hard enough issue without hearing it from a very early age.

Rivkka · 27/09/2019 09:54

I saw a TShirt yesterday that you need to buy and wear each and every time you see her.

Unless I'm sitting on your face my weight is none of your concern.

Halo
recklessruby · 27/09/2019 09:57

Yadnbu.
No to the swimming.
No to the comments.
Who cares what size you are? You have not long ago given birth to a beautiful dd.
I m size 12 now at 51 and people say I m slim. No way are you fat.
Echo previous posters and think of your dd hearing that crap as she grows up.
Ignore and minimise contact with the witch.
Or you could say "I could lose weight if I wanted Audrey, but you ll always be mean and nasty so I dont want you around dd with that attitude".

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 27/09/2019 09:57

I think I would also be responding to these comments in future along the lines of “What makes you think you have the right to deem what is “OK” for me to eat and how I should look? Why did my marrying your son make my body any of your business?” Then maybe offer her your very robust opinion on something like her car/curtains/shoes/hobbies/garden/friends.

QueSera · 27/09/2019 09:57

I would go Very Low Contact with this woman. Who comments on other people's weight??? Horrible! and what awful messages her comments will send to your little DD!!

And she can get to fuck about watching swimming lessons!

recklessruby · 27/09/2019 10:00

Btw who is the 1% voting YABU? How is it at all unreasonable?

SayOohLaLa · 27/09/2019 10:02

OP, do you have a choice of swimming pools locally? DO NOT let your DH tell her where you're having lessons. just in case she "happens to be passing" and thought she'd drop in when you're doing DD's toddler swimming.

If you want to tone up your arms, water plus moving increasingly heavy weight (i.e. growing baby / toddler) is a great way to tone them on a weekly basis.

Wonkybanana · 27/09/2019 10:02

OP you say your Dh has your back, but what did he say to her when she told him she wanted to come and watch, and WHY did he report back to you? You didn't need to hear that. I hope he told her hell will freeze over first, anything else and he may not have your back as much as you think.

AJPTaylor · 27/09/2019 10:03

My otherwise loving mum was like this.
I told her never ever to discuss mine or my daughters weight ever again in any context.

blahblahblahblahhh · 27/09/2019 10:05

I would now think the time is fine for you to say "fuck right off, you will not be seeing the grandchild if you can't respect me, I do not want my child thinking it is ok to speak to people in this way"

Gustavo1 · 27/09/2019 10:10

I don’t know why some people think it’s ok to comment negatively to others about their weight, appearance, haircut or clothes!
I think it’s best to tell her straight that you do not appreciate her comments, they aren’t kind, aren’t welcome and if she continues, she will not be welcome either.
As for the swimming, she can fuck right off!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2019 10:11

I think you need to be very direct. Unless she’s shut down, she will start on your dd.

“You have no right to comment on my body or my daughters body. If you ever discuss our weight talk again, you won’t be seeing little KK for a very long time.”

CookPassBabtridge · 27/09/2019 10:13

Yes please be direct. Whenever she come sout with this AWFUL SHIT you shut it down before she's even finished the sentence. If your daughter hears any of this she will have a life long complex.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2019 10:13

Those asking about the 1%, some people accidentally press the wrong button and dong know they can change their vote. It could be others, saying op is bu not to have addressed this before. Or perhaps is bu not to let her mil watch.