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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let MIL watch my dd and I have swim lessons

164 replies

KKAK · 27/09/2019 08:42

From 2 weeks after giving birth, my MIL started telling me how I should start to think about losing weight. From 6 weeks after birth, almost every day she would offer to look after my dd and pester me to go for a jog to lose weight. She would always make comments whenever I had chocolate or crisps.

I got told that "if this is my state after 1 child, what will you be like after the second child"... This was 5 months after birth, I could get back into my size 10 Jeans however I had a lot of loose skin and big arms. She'll compare me to her daughter, telling me how skinny her daughter is after 2 children.

Now at 7 months I've started taking my dd to swimming lessons. My husband told me that his mum wants to watch. I flat out said no because I'm going to feel very self conscious about my weight in front of her in a swimming costume. This was relayed to her. The following day she saw my swimming costume hanging in the garden, she went out of her way to check the label for size. She then said to me that "size 12 isn't too bad, but dont get too comfortable now and think it's ok to stay a size 12". There's no way I would let her come swimming and she thinks I am being unreasonable but I disagree. Am I right to not let her watch?

OP posts:
Nonnymum · 27/09/2019 09:14

She sounds horrible, She has no right to talk to you about your weight. I would also be very wary of her around your child as she grows because attitudes like that can easily be passed on and you do not wany her to make your child self conscious. I think you should get your DH to talk to her.

FatArse123 · 27/09/2019 09:14

OP your post has given me the chills - what a creep!

YANBU, of course.

pikapikachu · 27/09/2019 09:15

I would not have someone like that round my dd otherwise your dd will be asking you if she's fat, needs to diet etc

Your MIL is a nasty piece of work. I would be having my h visit her and going NC myself. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you are and it will damage your dd witnessing this too. Sad

Of course yanbu to say no to the lessons. I'd be telling my h not to mention lesson times so she can't just turn up.

Lolapusht · 27/09/2019 09:15

Does her daughter have a healthy relationship with food and is she just naturally very slim? I’d be very surprised if she made it through her childhood with comments like that and isn’t adversely affected by it. The same may happen with your daughter. It wouldn’t even take that much contact to totally skew how she thinks about her body and that is really serious.

You are allowed to be whatever weight you are, especially so soon after having a baby. She is changing your behaviour with her insidious comments and she does not have the right to do that. If she’s not stopping after being told continually that it is not acceptable, then you may have to tell her that unless she stops the fat shaming then she doesn’t get to spend time with you or her granddaughter.

lovelygreenjumper · 27/09/2019 09:17

I know this isn't really the main point, but why on earth does she want to watch you have swimming lessons??? Wanting to join you to have time with DD I could understand by why on earth would she want to hang around watching????? Quite apart from the body image comments she sounds suffocating

PumpityPumpPump · 27/09/2019 09:17

What a witch!

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 27/09/2019 09:21

Never mind swimming I'd never be speaking to her again!

Farfarfaraway · 27/09/2019 09:22

My MiL and SIL are the same with me. I would not mind but they are size 22 and I am a 14/16 but carry it well as I am tall. Most people guess I am a size 12.

Sorry not try to stealth boost just saying that compared to them I am small and they still go on about it.

MIL actually rubbed my tummy the other day and said “are we pregnant again dear?”
I rubbed hers back and said “ are we carrying triplets dear” she walked off offended.
They will learn one day

Surfskatefamily · 27/09/2019 09:24

She's being incredibly rude... So so rude.
I'm a 12 and I'm very happy with my size... Hope you are too ❤️ she needs to butt out.

Next time she says something just say "your looking so old today can't you do something about them wrinkles" 😂

Nanny0gg · 27/09/2019 09:25

And what happens when she makes those comments and your daughter understands them?

Tell her she either stops or she's not welcome in your home.

Scardanelli · 27/09/2019 09:27

Mil must have found the thread, you have one person thinking yabu

🤣, BlueMoonRising

Mammylamb · 27/09/2019 09:27

I’m a size16-18. At no
Point has MIL ever commented on my size. She sounds absolutely crazy and a right bitch

Gruzinkerbell1 · 27/09/2019 09:28

“She thinks it’s best to say what you think”

In that case, tell her she’s a rude, spiteful old bint who is no longer welcome in your home.

Patnotpending · 27/09/2019 09:29

I would say you need to keep your MiL and her obsession with weight, eating and appearance away from both you and your daughter. She sounds absolutely toxic. Your need to assure us that you are a size 10 is understandable but you would be perfectly fine if you weren't. Don't get sucked into obsessing about your size, the size of your arms and so on. Don't pin your happiness on your size or appearance, pin it on something deeper.

One of my old friends from university days had a mother like your MiL and has lost much of her life to her own obsession with food, weight and looks. Her negativity, hatred of her own body and criticism of others is toxic and drives people away. In the last few years, in her 50s, she's finally accepted help from the medical profession and now talks openly about how being brought up by a parent who was constantly obsessed with weight and appearance was a form of abuse. Please protect your daughter from this woman.

Orangepear · 27/09/2019 09:30

My exMIL was like this to me, and indeed started to comment on my DD 's appetite and when DD was 4, asked when she was hoping to go on a diet. Massive food issues! I'm glad your DH is sticking up for you though, mine was a mummy's boy who used to say she didn't mean it or didn't think before she spoke.

NoParticularPattern · 27/09/2019 09:30

Jesus. I didn’t realise people could have such a hideous lack of filter or be so bloody horrible just for the sake of it. I take it she’s a size 8 marathon runner who has 35 children and was back in her jeans 33 seconds after giving birth if this is the sort of advice she’s been dishing out? Hmm

I genuinely cannot believe that you haven’t told her to fuck right off before now. No way on this planet would I be having any contact whatsoever with someone like that. Your husband can do whatever he wishes with regards contact with his own mother, but I’d be telling him I don’t want to hear about her from him either. YANBU, not even remotely.

vanillaicedtea · 27/09/2019 09:32

What a hateful bitch. Everyone's bodies are different. And who even cares anyway? It's your choice whether you want to lose weight or not!

Don't feel bad saying no. Also please tell her to fuck off if she starts again. Smile

NameChange84 · 27/09/2019 09:34

Evil cow Angry. She can fuck right off.

"MIL, I'm very conscious of your unhealthy obsession with other people's weight and dress size. I will simply not tolerate any more comments from you about my, or anyone else's body. I cannot have such a psychologically damaging and unhealthy attitude around my daughter as she grows up. Either you need to stop or I will have to limit your contact with your grandchild. From now on, if you ever make negative comments about weight or body type, you will be told in no uncertain terms to leave. Do you understand?"

IceQueenCometh · 27/09/2019 09:34

What a cow. Tell her to f**k right off and stay there.

thatwasMauijustmessingaround · 27/09/2019 09:34

Ohhh my rage levels have spiked having read that. 🤬🤬🤬

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/09/2019 09:37

Why does it matter what culture she is, it's fucking rude in any culture. Op, YANBU, do not let her watch you and DD swimming, there's no need to even tell when they are.

GladAllOver · 27/09/2019 09:37

Who are the 1% who voted YABU ? Was that your MiL by any chance?
If that is you madam, you can FUCK RIGHT OFF with your perverted interests.

Drum2018 · 27/09/2019 09:38

Wow, what a bitch! In answer to her you should say 'if I ever need to lose weight at least I can do something about it, shame you can't do anything about being such a rude bitch'. TBH I wouldn't visit her house and I wouldn't have her in mine either.

TurquoiseDress · 27/09/2019 09:41

She sounds completely bloody awful!

YANBU

At first glance I thought YABU but from what you've written she sounds really toxic

GaudyNight · 27/09/2019 09:41

Explain to her very slowly and carefully, as though she were a misbehaving child at your house on a play date, that she needs to earn the right to visit by behaving like a normal human being. Or you could bop her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper every time she mentions your body.