AIBU to not let MIL watch my dd and I have swim lessons

[KKAK]

From 2 weeks after giving birth, my MIL started telling me how I should start to think about losing weight. From 6 weeks after birth, almost every day she would offer to look after my dd and pester me to go for a jog to lose weight. She would always make comments whenever I had chocolate or crisps.

I got told that "if this is my state after 1 child, what will you be like after the second child"... This was 5 months after birth, I could get back into my size 10 Jeans however I had a lot of loose skin and big arms. She'll compare me to her daughter, telling me how skinny her daughter is after 2 children.

Now at 7 months I've started taking my dd to swimming lessons. My husband told me that his mum wants to watch. I flat out said no because I'm going to feel very self conscious about my weight in front of her in a swimming costume. This was relayed to her. The following day she saw my swimming costume hanging in the garden, she went out of her way to check the label for size. She then said to me that "size 12 isn't too bad, but dont get too comfortable now and think it's ok to stay a size 12". There's no way I would let her come swimming and she thinks I am being unreasonable but I disagree. Am I right to not let her watch?

She sounds like an abusive bully, has your husband ever stepped in and backed your corner? She is bullying you.

Size 10/12 is a perfectly healthy weight and size, your MIL needs to back off and your DH needs to be telling her off. Jesus stand up for the woman who just birthed your child!

"MiL, as you find my weight and shape unacceptable, I've decided to do something about it. What I've decided to do is to never see you again so that you don't have to look at it. And just in case you ever feel the same about DD's body, I'll spare you the pain of that by not letting you see her either."

I agree with a PP who suggested your MIL perhaps has an eating disorder. Why on earth else would she be so focused on someone else’s body?

My former MIL used to ask me what I weighed all the time (long before I had kids). I was about 50kg back then. She would insist on an answer until I gave it and she’d swiftly and proudly advise me that she was thinner than me. Besides the fact she clearly wasn’t I found it sad and weird that this was of so much interest to her. She was a very proud, very competitive woman and very, very vain. Looking back she clearly had a bad relationship with food. Shame she had to take it out on me and other women in her life. It can’t ever have made her feel better about herself.

Have your DH step up and limit your exposure to the witch, OP. These are all her issues at play here, not yours, so don’t let them become yours. You sound like a beautiful mama to me.

FFS forget about the swimming why are you allowing this revolting woman to talk to you like this? Her comments are off the scale offensive. It's not one passing comment she's hounding you constantly and as for checking your costume size?! She wouldn't get through the front door if she tried that on with me.

Toughen up OP it's not ok, it's none of her business and you definitely don't want this mentality around your baby girl. It can do so much damage. I expect her daughter is slim because she had the same growing up and is terrified of the consequences.

Next time she mentions your SIL, her daughter, just say "But I'm NOT (her DD), thank Christ.."

Genius @Wonkybanana

Is she from another culture? Because this is outrageous.

Yes, it would be totally acceptable in Italy/Malaysia/Bhutan/wherever it is you're thinking of

OP, your husband can't be standing by you '100%' or she'd have stopped or been banned from your house/company by now. And he wouldn't have dreamed of passing on the swimming lessons request.

He needs to stick up for you, not just relay messages back and forth.

Of course, you need to do your bit too –next time she's rude, tell her to leave your house. Escort her to the door if need be.

I pressed yabu to say...
You are being Very unreasonable to tolerate being spoken to like that.
The conversations about weight could go.
“if this is your state” stop talking if this is going to be rude
“after 1 child”, I asked you to stop
“what will you be like” I’m leaving the room
“after the second child" I’ve asked you several times to stop. Please leave

If you don't want feel you should just tell her to F off, how about calmly asking her to explain why she feels so concerned about your weight? Something like 'MIL, I have noticed that you are very interested in my clothing size since I had DD. I'm confused about why you think it is so important. I am within the healthy weight range for my height and DH and I think I look amazing. Why is it so important to you that I am thinner?'
I don't think you'll get her to change her views but perhaps if you can make her vocalise (or fail to) why she's so hung up about it she will see how odd it sounds (or at least feel uncomfortable saying what she thinks) and decide it's easier to keep quiet in the future.

It was one too many digs about her weight which led my DM to go no contact with her MIL (my gran). Glad to say my Dad's backed my DM 100%.

Your MIL sounds absolutely toxic.

I don't understand why you see her at all tbh.

Your husband told her that you would feel self conscious about your weight in front of her?

Yet the next day she was at your house looking at your swimming costume?

Your husband should have told her it was a no because she can't keep her nasty comments to herself.

If she wants the truth you should tell her it-she's poisonous & you want nothing to do with her & must protect your daughter from her also.

She is hurtful and mean, one part of me wants to say take the high road but the other part thinks maybe her Christmas present should be wrinkle cream, tenna lady and hair dye to cover the greys.

Next time she bangs on about weight, do the head tilt and say "Really, MiL, this seems to be a bit of an obsession of yours. Don't you think you should get counselling?" And if she ever mentions it again, look sorry for her and say "Haven't you arranged your counselling yet?"

Ps who are the 1% yabu?

Why have you put up with this?

" how about calmly asking her to explain why she feels so concerned about your weight? Something like 'MIL, I have noticed that you are very interested in my clothing size since I had DD. I'm confused about why you think it is so important. I am within the healthy weight range for my height and DH and I think I look amazing. Why is it so important to you that I am thinner?'"

She's not concerned though is she?

She's embarrassed at how Op looks.

Maybe better just to tell her that your weight is not her business.

Is your mil related to my mil ? She also has a problem with similar crap coming out her mouth

My mil was also obsessed with how I looked after pregnancy. I’d gained weight and when my dad died i gained a bit more and again when my dog died a little more. I got my shit together and have lost the weight (just over 3 stone and I’m a size 8-10) and now she doesn’t comment. She hasn’t said well done or asked about my diet and exercise. She did however look at me and say “Karen (my mil other dil) has lost weight. She looks really well.” She easily weighs 5 stone more than me now. I was but what I realised was my mil like me to be at the bottom of the pile. She likes me to look and feel like shit. It gave her a power boost and a excuse to say the nice/nasties to me.
Looking back I wished I’d of used the mil classic “do you mean to be so rude” every bloody time.

Yanbu. She is a bitch.

Gosh she sounds vile, personally if someone spoke to me like that I wouldn’t spend a minute with them. I’d be cutting her off.

I have honestly no idea how you keep finding yourself in a situation where she gets to keep referencing your weight. How is she welcome in your home to swan around and look at the label of your costume??!!

Next time, remind yourself to turn your face into one who is completely horrified and beffudled, as if she was an alien and loudly openly repeat what it is she is doing in complete horror.

"WHAT? You have just walked over to my clothing, in my back garden, and gone into my swimming costume to find the label to find out what size it is? And then tell me that you find it's size is OK , to YOU. But you would like me to not need a larger one? ARE YOU FEELING ALRIGHT?!?"

People like her hate metaphorical mirrors that highlight how disgusting their behaviour is and would rather bustle and swiftly move on to something and sweep what they did and said under the carpet.

Try and channel Vernon Dudley with a splutter, and a stand up, and a "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

She'll soon learn you aren't a shy violet for her to keep harassing into the perfect wife for her son but a strong independent woman who does not want her fucking advice.

YANBU to be pissed off with your MIL. I can't believe she checked out the size of your swimming costume - how rude!

I wouldn't put up with this crap, and certainly would not subject your daughter to this as she grows up. It could do untold damage to her self image and relationship with food.

Anyway why does she want to sit around watching other people exercise when she should be out running/walking / cycling to keep herself fit and healthy. After all everyone knows old people are much more susceptible to strokes and heart attacks.

Purposely sit in front of her and eat a chocolate bar,smiling serenely.What a cow

And I see no one is owning up to the 1% YABU vote. Is that you MIL?

PrincessHoneysuckle has given the best advice on this thread.

Even if you don't want a chocolate (or lump of cheese, or bag of pork scratchings) stand directly in front of her, wave something ridiculously fattening under her nose and take a bite while saying "Mmmmm! nomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom....."

I'd go beyond refusing to let her watch and straight to I'm going to limit her time with my daughter and have none of it be ones on one because I'm concerned that she might give the child an eating disorder.

What a bloody awful woman. I've had words with my own MIL about this, though the jibes weren't aimed at me. Why does anyone think this is appropriate?