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Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
meccacos2 · 27/09/2019 11:14

I just thought that this is the type of thing my ex would do, but he would invite his entire family 🤣

lovemenorca · 27/09/2019 11:16

He did it without asking!!!
If he was going for a surprise, then of course he did

I’d be disappointed but all this “I’d be fucking fuming” sentiment is so OTT

He took your away for a child free weekend a few weeks ago.

He thought he’d surprise you, it’s not been a success.

But would have taken a fair bit of effort to arrange.

I wouldn’t get too worked up about it.

lovemenorca · 27/09/2019 11:18

Your only 2 days whipped away.

He took her away on a child free weekend a few weeks ago! I can’t understand why posters aren’t recognising this

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/09/2019 11:18

And you did get a child free weekend then presumably?

And OP wanted, and arranged, childfree time for her birthday, but her 'partner' decided she really needed MORE children on her birthday treat getaway ]hmm]

mummmy2017 · 27/09/2019 11:19

Do you know how many men don't bother.
See this as he can and will do birthday surprises and after you come how tell him that while it was great next time no more surprises like that as you were so looking forward to a sexy weekend away.

bigarse1 · 27/09/2019 11:21

I'm going to sound awful but I'd be grateful that he organised something that he thought u would like, even if he got it wrong. And that you have the opportunity to celebrate with your family. At least his intentions were right.
To put this into context and no this isn't a sob story- I turn 40 in a few days. I have two disabled children. I will spend my birthday safety holding or one both of them so they don't injure themselves or others. I will have two hours broken sleep and my present will be new pillows. I would love a weekend away with my family but my kids aren't capable of it. My husband would love to take me away but can't.
Sometimes in life u have to see the intentions behind it. I'm sure if u chat to him u could organise something for just u too. I will just be grateful my children are with me. Smile even if u r faking it and hold them all tight and know that another weekend away can happen x

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/09/2019 11:22

He took her away on a child free weekend a few weeks ago! I can’t understand why posters aren’t recognising this

Posters are recognising that DP is ruling the roost over OP's childfree time. DP doesn't have his kids full time. OP does.

Loopytiles · 27/09/2019 11:23

Urgh, OP told him what she’d like!

Andysbestadventure · 27/09/2019 11:24

I'd be raging and telling him to sort it out asap. Stand up for yourself, this was your birthday plan, and he decided to make another one.

That's not on! At all!

ChuckleBuckles · 27/09/2019 11:24

He's pulled a fast one here. gets to look the big man to his and your kids and family, while completely overriding your wishes.

I agree with this, his "new and improved" gift is a performative present, he will get kudos for this "thoughtful" present of a family weekend away, he will dine out for a long time on how considerate he is and they can all reminisce about how lovely the weekend was, you don't get any of that with a weekend away for just the two of you. Meanwhile the birthday girl can enjoy a weekend of parenting and making accommodations for others, just like every other day of the week.

OP book yourself a mini break, just you or you and a friend and have real relaxation and recharge time. Leave this joker who thinks he knows better than you at home.

Myriade · 27/09/2019 11:24

I think he knew VERY WELL that replacing the weekend just the two of you with one with the whole family was crap.
And that’s why he organised a weekend just the two of you to replace it. But didn’t dare telling you why he had taken you away because 1- then it wouldn’t as nice would it? 2- it would mean telling you why you were looking forward wasn’t to be and therefore having to deal with it (eg having to reorganise things or putting up with you being grumpy etc....)

Whereas now, you have no choice (too short), he has had the privilege to look good for taking you away. And you have no time away for your b’day (as that weekend was a nice weekend organise by DO NOT your weekend for your b’day).

I wouod tell him that as he has so kindly organised the whole weekend FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, I wouod also assume he is total charge of the weekend. Which includes (but not exclusively) looking after the dcs, cooking, cleaning, etc.l. Whilst you can spend your time relaxing and talking with your relatives that you have so little time to see otherwise. Aka YOU doing what HE was planning to do during that weekend and HIM doing what you normally do (aka running around like a headless chicken trying to keep everyone happy)

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/09/2019 11:25

@bigarse1 why can't your husband look after your DC while you have a break?

chamenanged · 27/09/2019 11:27

I have to say if your mum is anything like mine or my MIL are with their families and grandchildren, I can absolutely see the appeal of her being there for him. My mum would totally turn herself into the on-site caterer, cleaner, and babysitter for all the children present in this scenario - she'd be cooking for a week beforehand to prepare stuff and wouldn't sit down all weekend. And my dad would be beside himself at the opportunity for a whole weekend away with the children and would probably book seventeen different activities for them every day - weekends with them are generally a sweet deal for their adult children. Luckily they would also never agree to a family weekend away for my birthday unless I had specifically said I wanted that, in which case they'd jump at the chance.

LagunaBubbles · 27/09/2019 11:27

It's very sweet he's organised something though, he clearly wanted to surprise you and make the effort.

Oh yeh given the OP childcare responsibilities when she was looking forward to being child free, very sweet! Hmm

Myriade · 27/09/2019 11:27

He took her away on a child free weekend a few weeks ago! I can’t understand why posters aren’t recognising this
Because what was supposed to be a very nice gesture was basically a way to say ‘look, I knew my idea was crap so I’ve compensated for it by taking you away so you can’t say anything’. Basically it wasn’t a nice gesture, it was one coming from guilt.

Proseccoinamug · 27/09/2019 11:29

This sounds really unfortunate. I love my dc and usually want to spend special occasions with them. For my next big birthday I’m taking them away by myself. BUT... if I was looking forward to a different kind of weekend and a chance to totally relax, I’d be devastated!!

I do think you can tell him how disappointed you are and that whilst you appreciate that he’s tried, you were really looking forward to the break you’d planned.

Proseccoinamug · 27/09/2019 11:31

I wouldn’t refuse to go as that’s a bit unkind to everyone else, especially the children who presumably know and are looking forward?

You definitely don’t want to hide your disappointment though otherwise he might do it again in future!!

Howdidido · 27/09/2019 11:31

How can people be furious? His intentions were good
If it were me I'd try and enjoy it. But say to DH that this is a lovely idea but you'd started to get very excited by a weekend just the two of you. Could we do that later as well?

Proseccoinamug · 27/09/2019 11:32

Good thing he told you though and you didn’t arrive at your lovely weekend break ready to relax only to have everyone yell ‘SURPRISE!!!’

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 27/09/2019 11:38

How can people be furious? His intentions were good

Were they? Were they really?

Andysbestadventure · 27/09/2019 11:38

@Howdidido are you serious?

OP had been looking forwards to a child free weekend for her birthday. Some adult time. Some time not being 'mum'. Just 48hrs. That's all she wanted.

Maybe you're not a single Mum and the one who is never able to switch off or take a few moments, or having to deal with the mental load of being in that position 24/7.

Her DP thought he knew 'best'. And totally ignored her wishes. For her birthday.

Are you for fucking real?

Funghi · 27/09/2019 11:40

How can people be furious?

Projection? Boredom? Maybe a combination of the two?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/09/2019 11:41

His intentions were good how? OP wanted a childfree break. DP decided she would now have 4 children on her break.

NearlyGranny · 27/09/2019 11:42

I think his intentions are good. I also think you need to remind him to take his vitamins, because your fixed and immutable intention is to play princess for your big birthday and you will not be lifting a finger. Well, apart from packing your own suitcase, of course.

And then don't.

Whatever questions come from his kids or yours or wider family about rooms or meals or bedtime stories or outings or clothes etc etc, just say "Ask DH; he's organised everything. Leave the gift paper strewn when you open your presents, ask for breakfast in bed, hog the bathroom and leave the dishes when you go to bed. On the last morning, sleep in and don't emerge until 10 minutes before checkout.

Have a lovely time! Happy birthday!

Sleepyhead19 · 27/09/2019 11:42

I would suggest to him that since you were so excited about going away just the two of you, that you would like to do this in a couple of weeks time.

I'd be really annoyed by him doing that. I am surprised none of the family raised it that you might not like the family holiday on this occasion.

10 years ago, when I'd been with my ex about a year and he was living abroad, he had told me he was coming home for my birthday and I arranged an evening with lots of our friends who were all couples. I booked the venue and it was all fine. A couple of weeks beforehand, he said he wasn't coming back, knowing that I absolutely did not want to go out with all our friends without him being the only one without a partner. I cancelled the venue and explained to my friends how I felt. They tried to persuade me to still go ahead with it but I was really upset. Turns out he was coming back all along and just thought it was a great surprise to just turn up. He knew I'd cancelled everything, and never said anything. I was so upset he did that, that it just ruined the weekend. I never, ever did anything for my birthday and knew I'd been looking forward to it.