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Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 27/09/2019 11:43

He took her away on a child free weekend a few weeks ago! I can’t understand why posters aren’t recognising this

Because she said

Also a few weeks ago, he whisked me off on a surprise weekend away which was really lovely - he's told me now, that that was in place of us not going away to the cottage for my birthday.

She didn’t know that the child-free weekend weeks ago was to compensate for not having a child-free weekend for her birthday. He could have given her what she asked for instead of changing the plan. She said she didn’t want any fuss and that’s what he gave her despite the arrangements she made to have that child-free weekend.

NearlyGranny · 27/09/2019 11:43

He's made it happen: he makes it work.

bigarse1 · 27/09/2019 11:44

MarianaMoatedGrange because it generally takes both of us and also because they wouldn't understand where I had gone so would scream the whole time non stop. I'm not willing to do that just for a weekend away. I'm hoping for a bath!

Thehop · 27/09/2019 11:45

I’d be pretty pissed off. Children is precious.

Thehop · 27/09/2019 11:45

Sorry I meant child free not children. Stupid typo.

notacooldad · 27/09/2019 11:45

Howdidido

How can people be furious? His intentions were good
How do you know that for sure?
Even if they were he has over ruled Op's plan and what she actually wanted to do. How in anyones book is that a good thing?

namechangedforthis1980 · 27/09/2019 11:49

I'd be gutted too, especially as my DH knows how much I'd really dislike the fuss.

shas19 · 27/09/2019 11:51

Yes I'd be pissed aswell! It's a nice idea behind it but like you said you was looking forward to being kid free which is totally reasonable. Me and my partner always have birthdays just us two. So that's two nights a year just us unless we arrange a baby sitter. Maybe explain to him and see if something can be arranged??

mankyfourthtoe · 27/09/2019 11:53

There was a last a pp posted about all the jobs that needed to be done. I would print it out for discussion to say I wanted a child free weekend where I could be pampered. But now it's a big weekend, there's this list and tbh I'm not putting myself down for jobs on my big birthday weekend.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/09/2019 11:53

@ bigarse1 that really isn't sustainable though, is it? What if you had an illness or accident that necessitated a hospital stay for instance? There is respite care available, I've worked in homes that offered respite care while parents/carers had a break.

EscapeTheCastle · 27/09/2019 11:58

Check the booking. I have a feeling the place wont have enough bedrooms for everyone! Or isn't anywhere nice, or there's no takeaway within 50 miles.

LetUs · 27/09/2019 12:01

Do your plan the next weekend. At least he tried.

BumbleBeee69 · 27/09/2019 12:01

Can you tell him that since he organised the weekend, he is also responsible for :
Organising the shopping
Packing the car
Car snacks
Unpacking the car
Making beds/unpacking the car/putting shopping away
Making meals
Cleaning up after meals
Making teas and coffees
Getting up in the morning with the kids and cleaning up glasses/empty crisp packets etc
Making breakfast
Keeping kids occupied
Deciding and organising the days entertainment (including brings snacks or picnic)
Dinner again
Cleaning up after dinner again
Repeat on Sunday plus packing car
Unpacking /washing when you get home.

Cause as much as I love my kids and family, that is the reality of a self catered weekend break.

Exactly my sentiment ... and unless you come back with a great bloody big SPARKLER, then your DP is a DICK, and I wouldn't be going anywhere, book a bloody SPA and leave them all to it. Flowers

MulticolourMophead · 27/09/2019 12:05

OP, your DH can certainly do all the childcare. He's the one who changed the plans, and there will be all this help in hand from your family.

Because of course you're going to be putting your feet up and enjoying the weekend.

I do agree with the idea that this weekend evolved because it's his contact weekend and there's no childcare for his children.

OneForMeToo · 27/09/2019 12:05

I would be mean and I wouldn’t go at all. You wanted a planned for a couples only weekend his turned it into a full on family event. Nah they can all go together I’d stay home alone and relax least I’d have my own comforts and no children still.

mankyfourthtoe · 27/09/2019 12:14

Take yourself a secret stash of food/choc so when everyone is looking at each wondering who's going to mention a meal, you can go for a 'nap'

mankyfourthtoe · 27/09/2019 12:15

And tell all the kids as it's your super special birthday weekend, 'dp' gets to help/play/get drinks etc and he's so looking forward to it!

Proseccoinamug · 27/09/2019 12:28

bigarse, I get it.

Some posters aren’t understanding that some children can’t cope with respite care, that the respite care can’t cope with the needs of some children, and that some families have to just get through each day.

I think it’s wrong to do the ‘Be grateful for what you have’ thing though. OP is allowed to be upset about ruined plans.

I would be upset. Of course, I’m still grateful that I have family, have enough money for a weekend away, that it’s practically possible, that we have the health to enjoy it.

My bestie isn’t here any more and won’t see 40. We’re all lucky to see 40. But doesn’t mean that we can’t be sad if our plans are changed behind our backs when we were looking forward to something!

Sewrainbow · 27/09/2019 12:32

I'd be disappointed too..

Any chance you could go away again just the two of you?

rededucator · 27/09/2019 12:33

Not even just the kids but the parents and SIL as well. How do some people manage to get it so wrong? I agree that you express your disappointment otherwise this is set as the bar. I hope you do have a lovely birthday though x

MulticolourMophead · 27/09/2019 12:34

He took her away on a child free weekend a few weeks ago! I can’t understand why posters aren’t recognising this

If he'd gone ahead with what OP actually wanted, there would have been no need for the other weekend away.

And if he has planned the weekend so he can propose, that's shitty also, as it means that OP's 40th birthday is now overshadowed by the proposal.

rededucator · 27/09/2019 12:36

I'm also surprised that your parents and sister didn't nip his suggestion in the bud. Can you ask your sister why the fuck she thought you'd like this instead of a romantic weekend away without kids? I'd be asking what the fuck she was thinking!

rededucator · 27/09/2019 12:39

I'm getting mite and more angry for you OP imagine picturing a lie in and couple time of a morning and instead having to get up for kids and to host you parents and sibling. WTF was he thinking?

womenspeakout · 27/09/2019 12:39

@bigarse

Just wanted to pop this on here.

carers.org/article/holidays

You can take breaks that will help with your children too. If you're running on empty, you may find you'll get ill yourself and then you'll be in the same situation with your children being without you, but not because you're on holiday, but because you're in hospital.

Take care of yourself too.

bookwormsforever · 27/09/2019 12:49

Ouch. Why on earth didn't he ask? He KNEW what you wanted and chose the opposite...

I'd be saying to him, 'right. It's still my birthday weekend so I will not be lifting a finger all weekend. You can organise everything from packing the car to entertaining the kids, cooking all meals, having shopping delivered... I won't be doing any of that.'

See what he says.

Then for Xmas book a weekend away for the two of you, somewhere YOU want to go.