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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 27/09/2019 10:27

Wow! Win-win for him then, he gets to override what you want to do what he wants (wants his kids there), dictate to you how things run (no, no, dear, the whisking you away was to score brownie points - I'm lovely, you see - so now I can dictate how things will run and you'll be grateful into the bargain), make you believe what you want isn't as important as what he wants (he's lovely, you see) and be grateful and go along with what he decides.

More fool you.

I'd cancel the whole thing or send them on their own.

This is how things will go from now on. Hope you don't end up moving in with this guy or having more kids with him.

Controlling AF.

theoriginalmadambee · 27/09/2019 10:28

Going a little against the grain.

I would be furious. But don't be me.

Please make the best of it, a lot of dp CBA. Consider yourself lucky your dp has arranged this.

And later much later tell him that you really do mean what you say and wish for Smile.

Please tell your entire family it is your birthday and put your feet up, cuddle your dc and let others do the work.

womenspeakout · 27/09/2019 10:29

Sorry, see they are not cousins, but they are your partners children.

Still, it remains it'll be more about them and what they want to do and keeping them occupied and fed and clothed.

Can't believe he completely ignored your wants for your birthday.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 27/09/2019 10:30

Gutted for you OP ..i didnt have time to get past page one sorry but I would be pissed off too....

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 27/09/2019 10:32

Please make the best of it, a lot of dp CBA. Consider yourself lucky your dp has arranged this.

That is a ridiculous and offensive thing to say. OP should be grateful for the meagre crumbs of something she doesn't want and had expressly requested the opposite of?

beachysandy81 · 27/09/2019 10:34

Oh no, I would be disappointed too but I would make the most of it. I wonder if he is trying to get everyone together to do to a big proposal!!

I would just go with it and arrange with your parents to do another weekend away with just you and him (might as well keep the 40th celebrations going all year!).

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/09/2019 10:35

I hope that if you do go, you hand your DC over to him and your parents and fuck off for the day. Grrrrrr!

littlehappyhippo · 27/09/2019 10:37

@madambee is clearly either...

a) a MAN

or

b) a woman who is told what to do by her husband so much and so often, (and that she should be grateful that he is even WITH her,) that this controlling and manipulative behaviour is just normal to her now.

beachysandy81 · 27/09/2019 10:38

He is not exactly benefiting from the situation unless he loves spending time with your parents and sister/BIL so I think he must've thought he was doing something special for you. At least he's not bringing his parents along too!

LannieDuck · 27/09/2019 10:39

As much as I can ask people to help out with the graft of the weekend

You're starting from a default position of this being your job to organise. Why? Don't accept it being your job. All of this organising is DH's job - he wanted this family holiday, not you. It's up to him to figure out the cooking etc.

Make it clear that you wanted a break with as little work as possible, so DH needs to make sure that he gets other people to help out with the graft of the weekend, or does it himself.

unfortunately it's true that it won't really be possible when two small kids have mum on hand. I will need to pack for them and be their mum.

I would ask DH how he plans to deal with this. Given you'd organised a child-free weekend and were really looking forward to it, push the problem back onto him and ask him how you're supposed to have a break from the kids now they're coming with you?

timshelthechoice · 27/09/2019 10:39

I really don't want this to happen again.

Then don't let it happen at all. He gets accolades whilst you do the donkey work. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. You made it abundantly clear what you wanted for this special time. He threw that out the window, decided what he wanted was more important and then decreed that his lurveliness in the past to put you in your place.

notacooldad · 27/09/2019 10:41

Please make the best of it, a lot of dp CBA. Consider yourself lucky your dp has arranged this
😡

but I would make the most of it. I wonder if he is trying to get everyone together to do to a big proposal!!
Even worse!!in this scenario not only has he over ruled what OP wants for her birthday but puts on. Public proposal in front of family, which makes it all about him and also makes it difficult and awkward if she doesn't want to accept.
I think he has put the OP in a horrid situation. She had everything planned and he wants it his own way. I seriously would consider reverting back to the original idea.

diddl · 27/09/2019 10:44

"It's very sweet he's organised something though, he clearly wanted to surprise you and make the effort."

Oh dear god.

What, the almighty man has done something, all bow down & give thanks?

Op told him exactly what she wanted & he hasn't done it.

I'd feel like going somewhere else or having a peaceful weekend at home & leave him to the weekend that he wants!

theoriginalmadambee · 27/09/2019 10:47

Ha no I'm neither Grin.

But I'm over 50 and have mellowed a lot.

Instead of seeing everything as offensive, abusive whatever I try to look at things more positive.

Goating op to see things in the most negative way may not be entirely good and true in how to make a good relationship.

GaudyNight · 27/09/2019 10:47

You're starting from a default position of this being your job to organise. Why? Don't accept it being your job. All of this organising is DH's job - he wanted this family holiday, not you. It's up to him to figure out the cooking etc.

Make it clear that you wanted a break with as little work as possible, so DH needs to make sure that he gets other people to help out with the graft of the weekend, or does it himself

This. Not your circus, not your monkeys. And yes, I realise that in the case of your children, they are literally your monkeys, but as you had carefully arranged childcare to have a rare weekend without them, your DP, having overruled your arrangements, is going to have to figure out a way around it.

OneAutumnMorning · 27/09/2019 10:48

I just laughed at loud! Sounds like an absolute nightmare.

I'd change the plans and book that kind of thing for another time. This is for YOU.

OneAutumnMorning · 27/09/2019 10:53

I wonder if he is trying to get everyone together to do to a big proposal!!

I actually think this might be true you know OP...

Johnsonsfiat · 27/09/2019 10:53

What was behind it? Did he do it because he loves big family gatherings? Did he do it because the family had been pressing for it or just because he thought you'd love it?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 27/09/2019 10:57

When you speak to him explain that instead of the romantic couple weekend you were looking forward to, he’s replaced it with all of the routine stuff you do all the time, only in a different location, with more children and more adults to accommodate with food and entertainment.

Hope you can make the best of it though and enjoy yourself regardless.

MouthyHarpy · 27/09/2019 11:04

I don't think I can expect him to do the childcare for mine when he will have his own hands full.

Yes you can. Within limits of course (you don't want to be obviously cruel to your DC) , but let him take the strain.

And spot on re thoughts about cleaning, meals, packing and keeping the kids entertained. It's a completely different weekend isn't it?

Do nothing except your own packing - let him organise it all. Let him experience what is involved.

Mrsjayy · 27/09/2019 11:06

Oh I feel a bit clammy at the thought of a public proposal you need to make sure he isn't planning that too !

meccacos2 · 27/09/2019 11:08

I would be absolutely furious!!

He did it without asking!!!

Wtf?!

Why hide that you’re gutted??

Loopytiles · 27/09/2019 11:08

Even if he was planning a proposal, his plans are shit!

lovemenorca · 27/09/2019 11:11

Also a few weeks ago, he whisked me off on a surprise weekend away which was really lovely

He’s not entirely thoughtless then? And you did get a child free weekend then presumably?

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 27/09/2019 11:13

Oh no! How upsetting!

My dh is fab, v equal, does his share of wife work, etc and if this happened to me I’d cry! I can only imagine how it must be for you as a single parent doing everything 24/7, 365 days a year! Your only 2 days whipped away. Can’t believe your sister and folks didn’t clock that this is a Bad Plan.

I would feel exactly the same op.