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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 27/09/2019 10:02

I'd do a Munch scream!

Honestly, men are so thick sometimes.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 27/09/2019 10:03

Dh knows me well enough to know that if I've sorted a coupley weekend I want a coupley weekend! Wow I wouldn't be impressed.

Brefugee · 27/09/2019 10:06

i like Lottiegarbanzo's suggestion best

"You can still rescue it graciously of course. You could say 'I do appreciate the thought and effort but actually I was really looking forward to what we'd planned, so I am disappointed. However, now that it's booked, of course I'll make the best of it and I'm sure we'll all have fun. Let's book something couply now though, so we have it to look forward to.' "

AfterSchoolWorry · 27/09/2019 10:07

Like, does he get that this is the equivalent of you organising a surprise weekend away where he has to work, just on a different setting. All the people he works with there, all the same jobs, but not just 9 to 5, 24 hour shifts. He's a thick. I'd be fuming.

Loopytiles · 27/09/2019 10:08

He really fucked up. Hope you tell him so asap.

It’s not “ungrateful” to be upset and angry with him for going against your expressed wishes for something you wanted to do with him, and organising something with family, that you will enjoy less .

If when you tell him his response is anything other than huge apologies and remorse, that makes it even worse!

littlehappyhippo · 27/09/2019 10:09

@lottiegarbanzo

You gave him every opportunity to get this right. He made his own choice to get it wrong. This isn't someone being clueless but well-intentioned, acting without guidance. It's someone thinking he knows better than you, what you want and what is good for you.

This. ^ My DH used to have this awful habit of saying (when I said I am going to tidy the garage for example,) 'no no no, sit down and relax, do it at the weekend.' Or I'd say 'I think I'll pop down the shop to post these 2 packages.' And he'd say 'do it tomorrow, sit down and put your feet up...' Or I'd say 'I am going to wrap a few Christmas presents this morning,' and he would say 'leave it til next week, it's only mid November....' There was no reason for him to say anything like this.. He just HAD to tell me what to do.

I don't know why he did it, but it used to fucking grate on me. I thought 'I am informing you that I am doing this particular thing, not asking for your opinion, or for your PERMISSION!' Hmm After I said (very loudly) a few times 'I am telling you I am doing it, NOT asking your permission or opinion,' with a kind of Hmm look; he stopped doing it.

Some actions from men are sly and sneaky, and they may not even realise they are doing it. It's easy to be controlled, and end up doing what THEY want, because they hide behind this 'I know what's good for you' bollocks.

At the end of the day, if I decide to do something, I am going to do it, I am not going to be told 'no, you sit down and rest, there there there....' I am informing you I am doing it, not asking you if I should!

FUCK.

OFF!!!!!!!!

Ooooh, I feel better now! Grin

@TheresAMouse

You HAVE to tell your DH you are not doing this!

womenspeakout · 27/09/2019 10:10

No, I wouldn't like it at all. It's completely different a break away just you two, and one for all the family where you'll have to care for small children, get up early because of them, make sure they are OK all the time. That's what you need a break from.

Honestly, I'd be so annoyed that he's telling you what you should want instead of listening to what you actually have told him you want.

How ignorant of him, I'm guessing you have been talking about how much you are looking forwards to this break, and he's knowing it's not the same trip.

Agree also with male privilege as to not having to arrange anything on a family self catering trip.

I don't know, it's still a cottage, can't you just tell the rest of the family that it's off for them and stick to the first plan and you two take this bigger cottage for yourselves?

QuimReaper · 27/09/2019 10:10

I do get your disappointment but being "furious" at someone trying to do something nice as a surprise is a bit unfair

@sparepantsandtoothbrush The OP didn't actually say she was "furious".

That said I think your mistake was far more understandable; a meal is a short celebration and doesn't require any additional effort - there is still food and wine and everything as expected, just more people. I'd possibly have done the same thing for my husband, and would like you have had an "oops" moment and not really seen it coming if he said he'd just wanted the two of us. A romantic getaway, a couple of days of peace, relaxation etc., is a totally different ballgame to a meal out, and I would be pretty furious with my husband if he'd failed to grasp my reasons for having planned it the way I did. Even just inviting a few adult friends would have made more sense, to spend adult time with people you don't get to see much of, and have proper catch ups, play board games, whatever your bag is. Inviting the children and parents is just baffling.

OP I think as others have said this was misguided but didn't come from a bad place, and you'll have to go along with it. However, I'd be doing two things:

  • State - doesn't have to be angrily - that you'd been looking forward to a peaceful childfree weekend (which is why you arranged one) and that you expect him to make sure you keep your feet up as little as possible. I don't know how old your kids are, but since he arranged for them to be there, he'll have to do any night-time wakings, deal with baths, bedtimes, tantrums, cooking different meals etc., or ensure that your parents do. You'll be drinking wine and enjoying adult conversation.
  • Let him know that you'd still like a weekend as yours was originally planned, at some point in the foreseeable future. Or something analogous, like a city break with a friend, or alone.

I think if you do those things you can probably put yourself in a position where you can enjoy this weekend for what it is. Hopefully you'll still be spoilt rotten and your parents will still consider their role on the weekend as "full time babysitters giving the birthday girl some space". I'm sure you'll have a great time in the event, and the resentment won't get in the way if you've made your feelings known and got a backup plan Smile

Loopytiles · 27/09/2019 10:10

And agree with PPs, make clear that you expect him to organise packing, food, drink, and all practicalities for the whole thing.

QuimReaper · 27/09/2019 10:11

keep your feet up as little as possible

As MUCH as possible that should read, obviously!

Span1elsRock · 27/09/2019 10:13

This is one of the very rare occasions OP where I think you should show him this thread. It's unanimous that he's been pretty thoughtless instead of thoughtful.

Ijustwanttoretire · 27/09/2019 10:15

Sometimes I'm really glad my DH doesn't organise anything, let alone a 'surprise'... Flowers

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/09/2019 10:15

WHAT?

He did WHAT???

I'd have hit the roof!

And then I would have gone somewhere ON MY OWN to think about how angry I was that he had ignored my express wishes.

Seriously - I would have been very upset about this.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2019 10:15

I would punch him in the throat. What an idiot.

MedalMedalMedal · 27/09/2019 10:16

He’s basically set you up with load of domestic graft dressed up as a birthday treat. He’s chosen to forget or ignore how much work goes into family life and who is sorting it.

Whattodoabout · 27/09/2019 10:16

YANBU, I’d be gutted too but I do think he had the best intentions at heart.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 27/09/2019 10:17

This is one of the very rare occasions OP where I think you should show him this thread. It's unanimous that he's been pretty thoughtless instead of thoughtful.

It's also one of the very rare occasions where the competitively pious MNers haven't been out in force saying how they'd be falling over themselves in delight at having anything arranged for them, and OP is for being anything other than pathetically grateful.

I was fully expecting that so am very pleased at the consensus that he was a monumental dick.

womenspeakout · 27/09/2019 10:17

Also, there will be your kids and their cousins(?).

The kids will be all hyped up and it'll be more about keeping them entertained.

Witchinaditch · 27/09/2019 10:17

If I was counting on it being kid free I’d be very upset. It’s you who will be doing bedtime and early mornings- not much of a treat for you!

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 10:18

@lottiegarbanzoI agree with @Brefugee your words are perfect for me to convey how I'm feeling. I've jotted it down - thank you!

@MarianaMoatedGrange thank you, It is really different when you have full responsibility of the kids all the time. Sometimes it's just the weight of never knowing if and when you'll get some time out to yourself. Mine is usually when my parents visit which is infrequent as they live far away.

@AttilaTheMeerkat hahahahah! Don't be a mouse?? Maybe I'll be a meerkat instead!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2019 10:19

Meerkats have both sharp teeth and claws!.

MarshaBradyo · 27/09/2019 10:20

Op you are nice to hide your reaction.

I think mine would have been god no

He should ask if that’s what you want though

lottiegarbanzo · 27/09/2019 10:22

The intractible puzzle is how you re-programme your DCs to go to someone else every time they want something, while you are there but determinedly 'relaxing'.

That's not going to work, is it.

Juells · 27/09/2019 10:22

Why not let everyone off on the lovely family weekend, and you go somewhere by yourself? He and your whole family can look after the assorted children.

Toastymash · 27/09/2019 10:23

This is so monumentally stupid that I wonder if it's a double bluff and it actually is a romantic weekend for just the two of you, but he's just adding to the surprise. A bit like in crappy sit coms when everyone pretends to forget someone's birthday and is a dick to them, and then at the end of the episode it turns out that there's an awesome surprise party and they all have a good laugh.

I'm clutching at straws here. If it turns out that he really has ruined your stress free birthday weekend then I would be fucking fuming. Absolutely do not lift a finger for anyone all weekend and also insist on a make up holiday as an apology for this huge fuck up.