...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

[TheresAMouse]

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

Oh Mummy2017 do wash the fruits and veggies before consuming them dear

no he didn't say it was for my birthday at the time. It was a rare opportunity for us to go away as my parents were visiting and happy to have the kids. We agreed to do something that weekend and he wanted to do the arrangements and make it a surprise.

Well, this is promising, he can arrange things all by himself, so he can now arrange things for the cottage situation as it is.

Let him plan some things, and, I don't know how long of a stay you have, but with all of those adults there too, tell him to schedule some times in there where you and him get some couple time and your parents or sister or family can look after the kids while you go off for dinner/lunch/stroll around the area or a spa day or something.

Exactly!! This weekend was changed to facilitate his children

Wonder if his ex needed that weekend child-free for some reason, and he didn't want to refuse? I used to be a very trusting soul, but no longer...

Juells, you could be right.

Lovepoppy: on my 30th birthday it was the polar opposite of what I was expecting and looking forward to: a romantic meal out followed by a West End show. On route to the station DH made an excuse to return home where relatives and friends had turned up (with food). When I walked in my heart initially sank; for some reason DH had gone OTT with what I thought I was expecting and I hadn't wanted a party, let alone a surprise one. However, I ended up having a brilliant evening (and the food was prepared and the clearing away done by others). I understand about being manipulated into doing what others want. Of note DH hasn't arranged any further surprise parties for me; as he subsequently appreciated that I don't like things being done behind my back. Hopefully, OP's DP will learn from his mistake and with over 700 posts on here, many others will learn from his mistake too! Perhaps it's not the point that OP may have a great weekend. However, I hope she does and that all the chores / child care are done by the other adults.

I wonder if, because you'd only been together 18 months when he organised this, he was bowing to your sister's superior (at least longer) knowledge of you and some sense of your family's importance to you / you to them?

He might have felt unable to say no to your sister's suggestion, or taken it too seriously, for fear of creating rifts with your family, even though he knew it wasn't your preference.

Could that be a factor? Did he fail to recognise that your sister was just throwing an idea out there, rather than staking a claim?

Aww yes I'd be gutted too but there's not much you can do about it now without offending everyone so I would go for the weekend and have a lovely time with all your family. Then I would arrange a romantic weekend for just the pair of you which you can look forward to. I know it's not what you were expecting but his intentions were good and I am positive you will enjoy yourself anyway.

I wonder if, because you'd only been together 18 months when he organised this, he was bowing to your sister's superior (at least longer) knowledge of you and some sense of your family's importance to you / you to them?

He might have felt unable to say no to your sister's suggestion, or taken it too seriously, for fear of creating rifts with your family

Much as the majority of people here are determined to think that his was a spiteful, callous,controlling or vindictive decision on his part, i think this is the more likely explanation.

@lottiegarbanzo @saraclara this could quite possibly have played a part in it.

@mummmy2017 it’s YOU’RE not your.

mummmy2017 But there was no need for being unexpected.. op said what she wanted and arranged childcare and was then lied to for six months. How is that something that should just be accepted?

@mummmy2017 You clearly have never experienced manipulation & covert narcissism. He didn't try at all! He knew what he was doing. It isn't about OP not getting her trip, it's about his actions

Op honestly, just cancel everyone else coming, have your parents have your kids, arrange for his kids to be with their Mum and have the break as You Originally intended! Sod everyone else. Not your fault, not your problem

I hope she does as well @Hemelbelle

Whyisshedoingit
RTT.
He took OP away on a weekend before.
He has offered to book it again for just both of them.
He helps round the house.
It is only two years into the relationship, he might as read it, and was already organising the surprise.
He just got it wrong this time.

Sorry not might as read.
Should be misread.

'You clearly have never experienced manipulation & covert narcissism.'

So no chance he's just got it a little wrong then?

FFS

And yes I've RTFT

So you know your Dp Op

What do you think?

Callous, Selfish, covert narcissist with controlling and manipulative tendencies

Or perhaps someone who picked the wrong call?

mummmy2017 when someone has been telling you what they want for 6 months, and yet you still go and do something else entirely, that's not a bit of a mistake. To me that's reassess the relationship time.

If the OH had booked what the OP had specifically asked for, there would have been no need for that previous weekend away, and therefore no need to change the childcare arrangements. And no need for another weekend away to make up for getting it so badly wrong.

Yes, he might think OP'S sister knew OP better than he did, but that's no excuse for not actually listening to OP herself, when she's already saying exactly what she wants.

I'd be interested in an update after the weekend because I'm really hoping to find that everyone did the grunt work and OP didn't lift a finger.

Sadly, experience tells me this won't have happened, OP will have ended up doing everything.

@MarthasGinYard he's usually very thoughtful and I just think he's unfortunately got it very wrong this time.

Marthasginard. I don't think it has to be either or.

But that's why I said it depends on how he reacts to this news that it isn't what she wanted. That'll be the dealbreaker.

Would you in all honesty take your loved one on a break for their milestone birthday knowing it's not what they wanted? Or at least not trying to mitigate the disaster?

The op has steadfastly ignored this though so fuck knows.

The relative shortness of the relationship would surely be reason enough for the DH to think - "hang on, do I really know that TheresAMouse would actually like this surprise, given that she hasn't suggested a family get-together herself, but has chosen a romantic get-away for two and asked her parents to baby-sit: perhaps I should tell her what is being planned and if she loves the idea, fine, she can pretend to the others it's a lovely surprise and if she still wants to go with what she has planned for herself, then I can tell the family that I made a mistake and it's not what TheresAMouse wants, so with 6 months to go there is plenty of time to change the plans so that TAM can have the 40th birthday celebration she has chosen for herself and is so looking forward to", wouldn't it?
TheresAMouse - have you been quietly looking forward to your romantic week-end away with just your partner, hugging the prospect happily to yourself, or have you been mentioning it to him every so often (or even more) so that he's aware how much you have been looking forward to it? Because that would also make a difference, if he didn't really know how much it meant to you, he might think the family do would be something you would prefer for a milestone birthday?

'he's usually very thoughtful and I just think he's unfortunately got it very wrong this time.'

Very, very possibly

Clearly many on MN have never made a bum steer but I have.

Make the best of it Op. you mention you've had other childfree weekends with him away, and he's certainly planning another.

Celebrate this family that very clearly love you. Life's way too short to pull apart every plan and finer detail. I'm sure they will all make it special for you.

Enjoy your time away together too which will undoubtedly be soon by the sounds of it.

I cringed at all the grim email suggestions etc and I somehow don't think you'd send anything like that.

I think you'll have a super time

Worst birthday present..ever...I know it's the thought that counts..but we've been together 40 years and married for 33..so my husband knows me pretty well..or so I thought!For my big 60 surprise he bought me....a Ukelele. NO ive never played a musical instrument in my life could've cryed

I love the way that random strangers claim to know her husband FAR better than she does.

This ^^