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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 29/09/2019 14:29

@TheresAMouse please don’t hope. Be very, very clear in your expectations.

Last time you hoped he fucked up and gave you this situation.

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 29/09/2019 14:32

@LovePoppy yes I do agree. But I first want to see if he will come up with the plans unprompted and that would make this feel someway better than it does now.

OP posts:
Aaarrgghhh · 29/09/2019 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mummmy2017 · 29/09/2019 14:33

So are you saying OPs parents are not capable of organising food?
SIL and Brother or BIL going will be sat Infront of an empty plate?
This is a weekend away, in a cottage not on top of a mountain in a remote outpost of Mongolia.
We do have shops.
Or maybe they will all eat out for two nights so no one has to wash up .
Drama Lama alert.

Aaarrgghhh · 29/09/2019 15:07

mummmy2017 It doesn’t matter if the sexes are reversed, the principle is the same. Don’t let someone think they will be getting something in six months time only to tell them that’s not what’s happening and now they have planning to do that they otherwise wouldn’t. Sorry your husband is dead by that doesn’t give you an excuse to tell other women how they should feel because their partner will die one day. We all die, we know everyone else will die we don’t need reminded of it by those who have lost someone.

Wheelson · 29/09/2019 15:15

When he took you away for the weekend did he say that was for your birthday? If he did, did you not mention the cottage? If he didn't, how did he explain suddenly taking you away?

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 29/09/2019 15:20

@Wheelson no he didn't say it was for my birthday at the time. It was a rare opportunity for us to go away as my parents were visiting and happy to have the kids. We agreed to do something that weekend and he wanted to do the arrangements and make it a surprise.

OP posts:
Aaarrgghhh · 29/09/2019 15:21

Wheelson That’s been explained. He did it as a replacement to the cottage holiday but the op didn’t know it was a replacement so was still looking forward to the cottage for two but now has loads of family coming to a different one instead.

mummmy2017 · 29/09/2019 15:25

I am glad rom reading the thread that OP is not going to cancel the weekend, and is going to make sure she enjoys it.
She has my respect.

saraclara · 29/09/2019 15:31

OP has a lot more common sense than most people on this thread.

I love the way that random strangers claim to know her husband FAR better than she does.

Daftapath · 29/09/2019 15:35

@TheresAMouse is your dp very hands on usually when at home? Does he cook, meal plan, shop and take sole responsibility for the dcs (his or yours) at all?

What I am asking, I guess, is does he have the first clue about what is involved in going away for a weekend with four young children plus other guests?

My stbxh would not have a clue, he used to walk out to the car with his own bag at the time at which we had agreed we needed to leave and expect everyone to be ready to go, having had no hand in organising/preparing anyone else but himself. (Note the stbx!)

Aaarrgghhh · 29/09/2019 15:49

mummmy2017 How can one make themselves enjoy something? Seriously though, she’s gone from a nice relaxing weekend to running around after kids and loads of noise and no privacy. How do you make yourself enjoy that?

Wheelson · 29/09/2019 16:05

@Aaarrgghhh yeah I understood that but I just wondered how he had explained the weekend away at the time before she knew it was a replacement, especially so close to the actual weekend away.

Aaarrgghhh · 29/09/2019 16:07

Ahh, apologies then. My explanation didn’t help at all lol

RunningOutOfCharacte · 29/09/2019 16:07

Jesus wept.

Some people would be happy if they chose something special for their birthday. Specifically picked out somewhere nice to stay. Arranged childcare. And you're all excited about your special treat. Then discover their partner has gone against your wishes and booked an entirely different event - you're all cool.

Some seriously low bars around here.

And slow hand clap for the 'my dhs dead. I'd give my right arm for a slightly damaged chocolate orange. You should be grateful'.

But hey look forward to the update in two weeks to see how ops dp has ensured his partner actually enjoys her milestone birthday! Optimism abounds.

JuneSpoon · 29/09/2019 16:20

Really it's a lovely break for everyone expect OP.
Her parents and DS and BIL get a little holiday away. They can play with the kids when they like but ultimate responsibility rests with OP. Her DP has his kids but they will be involved in whatever OP will be doing with hers. He will pack for himself. His ex will probably pack for his kids. OP will have to pack for herself and her kids. Then the pain and torture of driving kids in the car and having to entertain them all weekend in a non-child-proofed house where they don't have their own toys to play with.

It's actually worse to have a break away with kids than to keep them at home

Livingoncake · 29/09/2019 16:29

I think you’re doing the right thing, OP. I’d do the same.

Though I’m sure at some point over the weekend, someone will say something like “Now, isn’t it so much nicer to be with your family, rather than just going off with DP like you were going to?” And you will either have to grit your teeth and lie your arse off, or excuse yourself to go scream into a pillow.

That aside, I do hope you have a lovely weekend. Your loved ones messed up, but they seem to be clueless rather than malicious, and you seem to understand that.

mummmy2017 · 29/09/2019 16:45

Aaarrgghhh it depends on the person, if your willing to accept you can't change something at short notice and can see that, it is possible to not throw a paddy and be an adult.
Life sometimes does no hand you what you expect

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 29/09/2019 16:46

@Daftapath yes he is quite a hands on Dad. He does a good share of cooking and cleaning and does help out my DC also so I'm sure he knows what's involved and no idea why he would choose that for himself either.

Also hoping he will use his usual helpfulness to this particular weekend a little extra.

OP posts:
PrettyPurse · 29/09/2019 16:59

@TheresAMouse I'm very suspicious about his DC. When did he realise it was his weekend to have them?

I suspect THAT played a huge part in the plans changing

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 29/09/2019 17:03

@PrettyPurse he says he changed to have them that weekend as a trade that he would be able to take me away in the previous weekend. He usually has them 1-2 nights every weekend. So a full weekend without always needs to be arranged.

OP posts:
Redshoesandtheblues · 29/09/2019 17:16

I think the change came about to facilitate his children and everything is a distraction and subterfuge.

Can't help but agree with that @billy1966

It makes no sense why he would he change plans (and throw in consolation weekend away beforehand) if he genuinely thought he was doing something that the OP would be happy with.

Even if the sister first mentioned the idea, surely easy enough to say, 'We've made the plans. This is what OP wants. We'll arrange a get together some other time.'.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/09/2019 17:25

To whoever said no-one would say a thing if it was a woman who messed up like this : my DS is main carer for his children and I'd be furious on his behalf if this had happened to him.

I still don't understand why Mouse's Mum went along with it.

I very much hope the bunch of them have all the work sorted out between them.
(Wouldn't you expect them to do that anyway, as it's meant to be a birthday treat?)

PrettyPurse · 29/09/2019 17:29

@TheresAMouse he says he changed to have them that weekend as a trade that he would be able to take me away in the previous weekend

Exactly!! This weekend was changed to facilitate his children

Ellie666 · 29/09/2019 18:00

Sorry but I'd also be looking at the relationship, he definitely [ after 2 YEARS ] doesn't know you at all. Then again he is a man and a man NEVER EVER realises that there are times when a mother needs special time away from the kids. I am a person that hates bother and confrontation but I would definitely be voicing my displeasure as there is nothing, absolutely nothing worse than really looking forward to something [ and you think it is already planned ] for some one else to go and change things. Very wrong of him to do this without trying to work out why she planned the weekend away together without the kids in the first place. Typical thick unthinking man.