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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheresAMouse · 30/09/2019 13:30

@RunningOutOfCharacte I'm leaving it with him this week so he has the opportunity to come up with a plan unprompted.

@Jaichangecentfoisdenom it's a very good point about whether he really knew much I was looking forward to it. I said to him how I'd shown the pictures to so many people and told them our plans but I can't specifically remember a time when he was present while I was doing that.

@MarthasGinYard thank you for your sensible response. I know everyone involved cares about me and I'll make the most of it now. There's no way I could enjoy myself having told them all to cancel it and I'll do what I want.

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 30/09/2019 14:27

Can I ask why you are so insistent on leaving it to him to come up with a plan unprompted?

I really feel you are setting yourself up to be let down, and I honestly and truly do not understand why.

It feels like you’re just kicking the issue down the road by a week.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/09/2019 14:43

Surely because LovePoppy the whole this is HIS plan. (Perhaps with some collusion, or maybe just 'throw out the idea and run' from OP's sister). He's only had to reveal it early, rather than a big on the day 'ta da' because he realised she'd suss it out.

The question you're asking is why won't OP intervene in her DP's half-finished plan for her surprise weekend away. That would be extremely intefering, condescending, controlling and unusual surely? Why would she assume him to be incapable of finishing what he's started? Why would anyone intervene in the organisation of their own surprise party?

And of course the risk is, that any offer of help from OP leads to instant abdication of responsibility from everyone else, so that she ends up catering, waitressing and DJ-ing her own party.

Why the assumption that her DP is incapable of organising a weekend away? He'd misjudged something here but there's no evidence that he's incompetent. He is a single parent, therefore perfectly capable of and used to planning, prioritising and catering to other people's needs.

Aaarrgghhh · 30/09/2019 14:55

LovePoppy if it ends up being shit, that’s not ops fault.

LovePoppy · 30/09/2019 16:09

I’m just afraid it will all be thrown on her at the last second to organize, that’s all

WhoKnewBeefStew · 30/09/2019 16:16

Be interesting to see show much food he packs, if he packs for the dc, who does the cooking etc whilst you are away. OP, I'd simply pack my own things and leave him to it

2Rebecca · 30/09/2019 16:21

Agree I wouldn't cancel it and would now make the most of it, but would insist on no surprise holidays or changed plan holidays in future especially when you have chosen exactly where you want to go, and push for him doing the catering with your family. They may do that. We went away for my birthday on an extended family trip and my family were good about having me do the minimum whilst they fussed over me. I knew about the holiday in advance though.

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/09/2019 16:26

Well I just hope that when they get there and are going off to do a big shop, OP tells them to decide who’s looking after all the kids while she goes off for a nice relaxing bath with her earphones in.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 30/09/2019 16:33

Yes, I must say, I think the OP's partner needs to be forewarned that OP wanted to get away from catering constantly to the needs of her children and doing all the usual household chores - he may not have a complete understanding of everything she does at home for her children, nor of all the planning and preparation that is necessary for a successful family week-end away, with children. I really hope he does, and that the OP is not going to be lumbered with all the "wife-work" for the whole family as her birthday surprise!

GrandmaSteglitszch · 30/09/2019 19:00

Can I ask why you are so insistent on leaving it to him to come up with a plan unprompted?

OP wants to know just how much he has or hasn't disregarded her, in his 'planning'.

Aaarrgghhh · 30/09/2019 19:06

LovePoppy But so what? That’s not her problem. If he fucks up then he deals with it. Op didn’t ask for or want any of this at all and it’s meant to be her birthday gift basically and I don’t feel it’s fair she should have to do any of the work involved.

Brefugee · 30/09/2019 19:26

Though I’m sure at some point over the weekend, someone will say something like “Now, isn’t it so much nicer to be with your family, rather than just going off with DP like you were going to?” And you will either have to grit your teeth and lie your arse off, or excuse yourself to go scream into a pillow.

or you'd be a brat like me and say "nope. It's fun but I'd have preferred my original plan"

LovePoppy · 01/10/2019 01:06

@Aaarrgghhh nor do I.

I guess I would just be stressing wanting to make sure he was doing it.

I wouldn’t be able to unload the emotional labour now that I knew. I’d need to know that he DID plan on doing it. Not hoping he would

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 01/10/2019 06:38

Yep, I'm with you on that, LovePoppy Grin.

Fatshedra · 01/10/2019 06:50

People want you to have a special time, people want to show they care by having a special time, usually a party, for a big birthday. That's how it is.
I have to be firm to insist I done want a big party and feel mean when people ask what I'm doing and I say going on holiday with DH.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 01/10/2019 07:07

I’d be gutted, OP. Sure everyone has the best intentions, but still it’s not what you wanted. Hope you do get the weekend you wished for before too long. DP is under strict instructions not to spring any surprises on me EVER - I don’t think I’d be as reasonable as you!

lottiegarbanzo · 01/10/2019 10:11

Yes, I do know what you mean LovePoppy

There must be a middle way - for OP to say 'well obviously, as this is my birthday surprise weekend you're organising, I can't play any part in planning and prep but, just to make sure you're on top of everything, you have thought of x, y, z haven't you. Maybe you can rope in my DSis or parents if you need any help?'

Or just tell him what your favourite meals are, what activity / lack of you're looking forward to etc.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 01/10/2019 10:54

Why, lottiegarbanzo?
Won't he feel annoyed by that, if he has everything in hand?
If it isn't all in hand, tho, OP needs to know that he hasn't bothered.

ChuckleBuckles · 01/10/2019 13:02

Or just tell him what your favourite meals are, what activity / lack of you're looking forward to etc

Well based on this thread the OP would tell him loves Chinese food so he will bring her for a McDonalds.

TheWernethWife · 01/10/2019 13:21

Ha ha Chuckle I so agree with you

Aaarrgghhh · 01/10/2019 15:48

LovePoppy That’s a fair point. I wouldn’t be helping at all but I’d have to know what he has planned if anything because it would drive me mad not knowing.

mummmy2017 · 01/10/2019 19:30

There will be 5 other adults there.
Unless OP is controlling, which I don't think she is, why do you think nothing will be sorted?

LovePoppy · 01/10/2019 20:00

I wasn’t worried about once there

I was concerned about the home end of it. Making sure kids were packed for, and everything was done.

My husband is a wonderful capable father, but he still can’t organize packing for the family. He packs himself, I pack myself and kids. In this case I’d need to remind him that the kids were his job.

It’s wll the emotional labour.

mummmy2017 · 01/10/2019 20:04

It is two nights.
Anything they forget, he can run to the shops.

Tinkerbell89 · 01/10/2019 20:18

I'd feel the same. Can you sit down with him & explain you were just looking forward to time together without the kids and you need a break. See whether the plans can change back. I wouldn't want to be away celebrating with everyone plus their kids when a quiet break was planned. Talk to him and see what can be done. May be say you'd love a family get together at another time but not a break away together. I hope you get this sorted and have a lovely time