...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

[TheresAMouse]

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

This is not a longstanding relationships.
Your two years in, he made a mistake, you know he tried, you said normally you'd happy .
Think long and hard if this is a deal breaker, if you want to be encouraged by all the people on this thread to cause this level of disruption and arguement in your Love Life.
Or you can go enjoy your family and thank him for the weekend, but tell him no more surprises like this, that you both need to agree any time away.

The way your all stamping your feet about this is horrifying

I tend to agree with Mummmy2017 and have been shocked by the strength of feeling regarding this post. I suppose the angle I'm coming from is that some dear relatives that were at my 30th and 40th, are no longer here and the memories of my parties are special. However, everyone is different and I can see how a quiet weekend away with just your partner, especially if you have young children and / or a stressful job, would be an attractive option too; although maybe not so memorable. OP has also stated in further posts, that her partner is genuinely sorry and thought she would be pleased; so hopefully he will learn from this too. OP please let us know the outcome of the weekend. I hope it is better than you are anticipating and that you also get another weekend that is exactly how you want it to be.

The fact that even one woman has come onto this thread to defend the DP in this let alone several actually makes me want to weep.

It's 2019 ladies, you don't have to be grateful for anything you don't want to be. It's not entitlement, it's self preservation and something I've made a massive effort to teach my DDs.

From some of the meek, 'grin and bear it' responses to this thread the ones that seem absolutely outraged at the OP's 'ingratitude' I am finally understanding some of the misery and suppressed anger expressed on the Relationships board. If you don't have a healthy sense of your own needs and preferences, and default to 'don't rock and boat and make other people feel bad because they've trampled all over your clearly-expressed wishes', then it's quite likely you will end up ultimately exploding at the end of years of treating yourself as unimportant, or worse, genuinely believe you are unimportant.

@Span1elsRock and @GaudyNight (nice to see another Dorothy L Sayers fan, too).

He made a mistake. Let's disregard his motives for a minute.

SO what's he going to do about it?

Honestly. Anyone able to knowingly fuck up their partners big birthday isn't worth the time of day.

What's he doing op to sort this out?

I agree with Span1elsRock about this being more self preservation than the OP being ungrateful - I can see it from other people's point of view, too, but the fact is he should have just gone along with what the OP actually wanted, not disregard them even under the guise of being nice and wanting to include family.
At the very least I think he should have explained before hand that the weekend away with just the two of them would be in lieu of a kid-free birthday weekend for the OP.

”At the very least I think he should have explained before hand that the weekend away with just the two of them would be in lieu of a kid-free birthday weekend for the OP.”

And now he should be taking on ALL the work of his revised celebration - planning entertainment and meals, doing the shopping, packing for everyone, and generally making sure that the OP does not have to do any extra work because of his decision to ignore her wishes for her birthday weekend!

Why don't you just say thank you, and then arrange the quiet weekend away for another weekend soon? No doubt the parents will still be happy to take the DC, the family will enjoy their weekend, and you get double bubble!

Still no word on who is doing all the meal-planning on this weekend away?

@SDGT, well @PeterWimseysExceedinglyCharacteristicLateCut was a trifle long for a username, I thought.

And I'm more a Harriet fan, anyway. I occasionally want to tell Peter that even if he is a dashing, sensitive, blonde genius who's good at codebreaking, international diplomacy, detecting, soldiering, cricket, incunabula, poetry, bell-ringing and sex, that he should stop making other people's executions all about him.

mummy is always horrified when women dare to do anything other than be utterly submissive to de menz.

I am worried that the main person you wanted to spend ALL of your weekend with, will be busy entertaining his children and catering for their needs. This is NOT your holiday and the only alone time you will have with him is when you shut the bedroom door. Even then, with two sets of children under one roof, you will not be free of parental duties or worries.

There are so many 'what ifs' that could occur:

What if the children don't get on?
What if one of his children take ill?
What if his children are bored?
What if the arrangements, if there are any, aren't what you want?
What if there are still no arrangements?

Everybody is going to have to work REALLY hard to make the weekend work, which in itself is stressful and could lead to tension or arguments. It is not ideal for any of you. You are all expecting a holiday; the reality is it will be the children who (quite rightly, as it's not within their control or understanding) will have to be pandered to the most. The bottom line is, it is the children's weekend. That's what you should adjust to.

People, most people are understanding what's going on here but a few of you are just not really getting it. Respectfully.

This most certainly is not about being spoilt or entitled.

This is absolutely no longer about OP's birthday.

This is no longer about the weekend away.

This is about honesty in a relationship.

This is about the OP's partner pulling a fast one on her, all dressed up as a really nice thing.

This is about the OP's partner thinking she isn't the brightest and he can get one past her.

This is about the OP feeling she has to make things right for everyone, suppress her own disappointment to keep her partner happy.

This is about the OP being fundamentally disrespected by her partner.

I am a happily married for 25 years to a lovely man who would no more do something like this in a million years.

This is not about bitterness.

Good men wouldn't do this.

The women on here who think their partners would do this, are inconsiderate twats in other areas of their marriages too.

It's about spotting bullshit from 50 yards and knowing something is off.

This is about listening to your gut.

It's most certainly not about accepting any bullshit from your partner under the weepy eyes of it all being for you, when it most certainly is not.

It's about not feeling bad about stating what you want and it being accepted as your right.

It's about being respected enough by your partner, that he doesn't completely disregard what you say, thinking because he is a man, he knows better, despite being told explicitly otherwise.

be glad you are alive have nothing wrong with you have family and children and a partner who cares enough to actually bother going to a lot of trouble for you

Okay, I’m guessing you know the op well then.

My DP is dead, I would adore it if he did anything at all.
I did not do it all he did some weekends away, sometimes he got it wrong, but he tried.
Why would you shut down a bloke who did try, but got it wrong in the first two years of a relationship, you have time to sort the rough edges in a relationship, compromise is not a dirty word .
I just did something I didn't want to do as my children organised it, one flew to meet us, and we spent a weekend away. I was grateful they tried and loved me enough , in return we are all attending an event that is not 100% what they want, but they are doing it for me.
Pick your fights, this is not one you can win.

Totally right, billy1966.

And it's about the devastated, contrite partner still not giving any thought to how to make any of this better for the OP (as far as we know - I hope OP is going to surprise us with news of what he's doing).

I think I’d be booking the other cottage for 2 for a few weeks time. Then the week before tell him I’m going with a girl friend ...see how he likes it!

I’m not one for being petty but I actually like this idea. It would show him how it feels to be excited for something and then have it ripped away last minute.

Your all adult women, grow up.
We all know OP is upset, but she seems to be aware it was an error, and one she will make sure is not repeated.
If the positions were reversed and the OP had planned a surprise and the DP refused to go, not one of you would be saying he should refuse to go, or bugger off alone.

Good men wouldn't do this.

Yes, booking a cottage for OP and family? Evil evil man.

I can see the divorce petition now - ‘unreasonable behaviour, invited other people on my holiday’

a partner who cares enough to actually bother going to a lot of trouble for you
Hmm, but I'm not actually seeing the "lot of trouble" he's supposed to have been to. The OP handed her birthday plan to him on a plate. He made a couple of phone calls to hijack those plans and has done zero since as he hasn't "made any firm plans yet."
That said, whilst I would also be pissed off if I were in the OP's shoes, I agree that the point has come for her to now accept it and move on. She's made her feelings known, and her dp has pledged to re-book "her" cottage for another weekend in the future.
I'm a little at all those on here who would be so vindictive about it that they would refuse to go/not turn up/go somewhere else leaving her family stranded. Really???

I think I’d be booking the other cottage for 2 for a few weeks time. Then the week before tell him I’m going with a girl friend ...see how he likes it!
Case in point! What an unpleasant suggestion. Do some of you really live your lives like this?

@CallmeAngelina I agree, some very dramatic suggestions here. I fully believe it was all arranged with the best of intentions. I know my DP feels awful he got it so wrong. There's still two weeks to go so I just hope he comes good with the plans now to try and make it the best holiday possible.

@Hemelbelle I suppose the angle I'm coming from is that some dear relatives that were at my 30th and 40th, are no longer here and the memories of my parties are special.

I’m curious, did you choose on your own to have them there? Or were they a bait and switch for you.

If you chose, then that is the polar opposite of what has happened here.

I don’t think you meant to, but be aware that this type of post is totally set up to manipulate OP into doing what others want her to do.

I think that is a sensible and reasonable position, @TheresAMouse. I do think, however, that you need to tell him clearly that the planning, catering packing etc are up to him, and you will not be doing it, otherwise you will find that you end up doing it all because he doesn’t realise it needs doing.