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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
Taswama · 29/09/2019 10:45

Yanbu. Did your sister know you thought you were having a child free weekend
?

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 29/09/2019 10:51

@Taswama I'm not sure my sister knew I'd chosen a childfree weekend at the point they booked. We live far away from each other so I can't remember if I'd mentioned it in phone calls or not. DP said they'd booked this weekend around the same time I'd chosen the cottage for two. But of course I know my DP definitely knew.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 29/09/2019 10:56

Take a look at yourself posters.
One weekend , and it's a Birthday.
The way your all stamping your feet about this is horrifying, I swear if your all really this entitled in real life , you'd best check your partners are not looking to replace you with something less selfish.

timshelthechoice · 29/09/2019 10:57

So you're playing right into this if you make all the plans. He's handed the reigns over to you. My arse he's gutted, he did it because he doesn't have childcare for his kids that weekend.

You take over, make plans, start catering and meal planning and there's the course of things: you make a rod for your own back.

Start as you mean to go on.

'No plans yet. That's a pity. Guess we'll just sit on our arses all weekend. It's my birthday, I'm not doing the planning, catering, entertaining, meal planning or washing up'.

I'd surprise them all by taking off for Paris the day before. 'Have fun, you lot! Aren't surprises grand?'

hazandduck · 29/09/2019 11:01

If it was meant to be a nice surprise for you, why didn’t he wait until you got there if he thought it was going to be something you love so much? It’s because he wants you now to take responsibility for organising stuff. Urgh I feel so frustrated for you.

And I would absolutely stamp my feet and say no this is not what I wanted to do!

Fabulousdahlink · 29/09/2019 11:04

It's next weekend. Go with the flow now. Be Queen of that weekend and let everyone around you make a fuss. With all those family around childcare will be minimal.

You dont think there's a proposal in the air do you?

When you finally crash into bed on your return...you can say you've had a good time ( which you will) but you'd like to go back to the area just to explore a bit more WITH JUST THE TWO OF YOU.
Don't be churlish...if you are given a gift thats nice but not quite right..its rude to sulk. Accept it and then make sure you get away as a couple. It's annoying..but sweet he has made a bìg effort and so have your other family members to be with you on your 40th. I feel your pain but think you can have both!

gamerchick · 29/09/2019 11:05

Take a look at yourself posters
One weekend , and it's a Birthday
The way your all stamping your feet about this is horrifying, I swear if your all really this entitled in real life

I'm quite happy to tell you that I would stamp my feet. A birthday is one time to think of yourself and not have to please other people. It doesn't even have to be on the actual day. All year is spent 'doing' for the happiness of other people, everyone deserves a day off from that if it's possible. My birthday plans are set in stone, even if I want to ignore the fucker completely and just sit cuddled up with a film.

Gabrielknight · 29/09/2019 11:08

I've experienced something similar, not the same, but similar. I'd been looking forward to a weekend away, and surprise... Totally different weekend away. I went but I wasn't good company, I couldn't get over the disappointment and hated every moment of it even though it was meant to be fun. I look back and feel awful about that I behaved like a spoilt teenager but it upset me so much to have my plans changed. I hope you do enjoy this weekend away... But totally understand if you don't.

MulticolourMophead · 29/09/2019 11:09

Assert yourself OP- the priority in life isn't pandering to grown men's feelings and ego at the expense of yours. No need to agree politely and express gratitude that doesn't exist just to keep his mood afloat. Like many here, if my DP did this to me,he'd be scrabbling around trying to fix it and apologising and we'd book the trip I wanted, even if I felt I also had to go on this one.

Agree.

Also I agree with the thought that there's something not quite right about this plan, something else is going on.

I'm tempted to leave the plans and see if he or they come up with something.

Stay with that thought, OP. Don't do any planning at all.

And for those who thinks this bloke has done a nice thing, he was given plans for the birthday on a plate, he had very little to do to make it happen for OP. Why make more work for yourself by doing something else? Especially when you know it wasn't what was wanted. Sorry, I'm not buying into the whole "aww, he's tried to do something nice" thing, he's known exactly what OP has wanted for 6 months.

rookiemere · 29/09/2019 11:09

I don't believe he expects you to organise anything, nor do I believe there is some sinister reason why you aren't going to the cottage, I simply believe he was talked into this by your child free DSis who has no idea how precious time is away from DCs occasionally.

I think doing nothing is your absolute best bet at this point in time. Maybe pack a few cereal bars so the DCs don't starve, but other than that leave everyone else to it. If they don't buy groceries- fine not a problem they can go out and get them, if activities aren't planned- and to be fair I'm not sure why a weekend away needs military planning- then they can figure something out.

I do feel some people are overreacting just a tad.

WildfirePonie · 29/09/2019 11:10

With two weeks to go there's time to cancel it all and rebook another cottage?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/09/2019 11:10

I do think you need to make it absolutely clear that you are not organising anything.
I would consider being blunt with them all. Say you had done all the planning for a quiet child free birthday getaway. If everyone has decided to override your plans then you assume they will be organising everything including meals and activities for the children.

LovePoppy · 29/09/2019 11:14

At this point, you cancel, or embrace it. That’s absolutely your choice. It could be very fun

But please don’t meal plan or pack for the kids. Or for him. This is his job.

ExcusezMonFrancais · 29/09/2019 11:14

But of course I know my DP definitely knew.

As did your mum. And if you didn't tell your sister surely your DP or mum would have?

DS: 'Let's book OP a family holiday for her birthday!'
DP and/or DM: 'Actually, OP said she wanted a child free weekend and has already picked out the exact cottage she wants.'

So then what happened?

'Screw that! OP will have a large family gathering for her birthday! We'll book a cottage we like better, lie to OP for 6 months so she gets her hopes up, then tell OP the truth two weeks before we leave so she can get all the details hard work sorted for us. If she doesn't get excited about our plans we'll get teary eyed and say how disapointed we are.' Hmm

MulticolourMophead · 29/09/2019 11:18

Take a look at yourself posters.
One weekend , and it's a Birthday.
The way your all stamping your feet about this is horrifying, I swear if your all really this entitled in real life , you'd best check your partners are not looking to replace you with something less selfish.

I spent 30 years sucking up disappointment. I spent my time making sure everyone else (and especially my ex) was happy, yet never got much in the way of the same consideration in return, so far from being entitled in real life. and I bet most of the other posters aren't the entitled sort either.

And it's NOT selfish to want some consideration on your birthday, it's the one day you can feel entitled to want it. Especially for a milestone birthday.

You know what I got for my 40th? Fuck all. Despite me getting what he wanted for his 40th, and taking him out to dinner where he wanted to go.

OP was very clear about what she wanted, and she's not getting any of that. She's entitled to feel disappointed. Everyone else should be sorting this weekend so OP doesn't have to do the drudge work she thought she was getting away from.

Chunkers · 29/09/2019 11:20

So, is this not even happening on the weekend you expected? And he’s now just told you two weeks in advance?

GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/09/2019 11:22

I'm tempted to leave the plans and see if he or they come up with something

Absolutely do that.

MinnieMountain · 29/09/2019 11:24

So you never ask your DH to do anything you want mummy2017? Be a martyr if that suits you. Those of us who have some self-respect know that expecting to do what you want on one special birthday is perfectly reasonable.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/09/2019 11:29

With all those family around childcare will be minimal.

You think so?
Or maybe they'll be left to their own devices because no-one, except OP, sees the kids as being their responsibility.

daisychain01 · 29/09/2019 11:31

Take a look at yourself posters
One weekend , and it's a Birthday
The way your all stamping your feet about this is horrifying, I swear if your all really this entitled in real life

Well wouldn't you know it. Back to the old tired trope about being a good little girl, not kicking up a fuss and being grateful for the benefits bestowed upon you (on your birthday!!)

If I'd blinked, I'd have sworn we were back in the 1950's.

Get your pinny out OP and do as you're damned well told.

eddielizzard · 29/09/2019 11:32

What you absolutely must not do is rescue this situation. Firstly, that infantilises him - like he can't be trusted to organise it properly. Secondly, you'll be resentful that you ended up having to do a lot of work. Thirdly, if he actually hasn't organised it properly, HE has to deal with the fall out otherwise you'll forever be in mother role and he'll forever expect you to sort things out. That's not a good long term relationship strategy.

daisychain01 · 29/09/2019 11:35

Could you feel a bit poorly, or have a headache and stay home?

This would be a very justifiable arrangement, or even better, just disappear and leave the whole shower of them to it. Your birthday, your weekend, peace and quiet is very appealing!

I find it incredible that your 'D'H would have the brass neck to pull this stunt on you, when the original arrangement was understood and agreed. He's a 100% 24ct solid gold CF.

chicken12 · 29/09/2019 11:40

Should book it yourself I always do

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 29/09/2019 11:50

chicken12 is absolutely right, sorting out what you want to do for when you want to do it is the only way to be sure to get what you want, I always find. Since you had already organised your parents to come over and babysit in your home, OP, how come you didn't also book the cottage you'd chosen? Do you think your OH already had this stupid idea in mind and deliberately offered to take the booking off your hands so that his/your sister's plans wouldn't be spoiled, or did you ask him to make the booking yourself? If your sister had already made the suggestion at the time you were planning the week-end away for two in the cottage you had chosen, why on earth didn't he tell you what was going on and allow you to make a choice six months ago rather than leaving it till now?
I'm another one who would be stamping my foot a la Violet Elizabeth Bott, to be honest.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/09/2019 11:56

Jaichangecentfoisdenom
yes he told OP that the 'surprise' idea was already underway when she said she wanted the couple cottage.
Very likely he said "Leave it with me" or suchlike.