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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 29/09/2019 09:14

Yes

billy1966 is exactly right.

My stbxh was always being nice. Nice in ways that made me deeply unhappy, frustrated and misunderstood.

I mean how can you complain about this without looking ungrateful?

If he steps up then it will reach you he's wonderful. If not. Well. You'll know he is jealous of you.

But I'm very burned and bitter and did many unhappy years of giving the benefit of the doubt.

PerkyPomPoms · 29/09/2019 09:26

I’d email your family and ask for a heads up on what meals and entertainment they’re planning- so they know you’re expecting them to step up and that you’re not organising it.

saraclara · 29/09/2019 09:27

....and still it's all about the husband, and mumsnet is ignoring the fact that it's the sister who was behind all this.

LannieDuck · 29/09/2019 09:34

the best thing I can do is make the most of it so I don't ruin it any further

You haven't ruined anything. You were presented with plans you didn't want, which replaced plans you did want, and which everyone had made you think were happening for over 6 months.

You're not at fault for being upset about that, and you're not responsible for your DH being disappointed.

It sounds as if you're already trying to figure out how to make the weekend run as smoothly as possible with everyone having a good time... something your DH/sis should be doing.

RunningOutOfCharacte · 29/09/2019 09:38

Op - I mean this is in the nicest way but do you see what the majority of posters are saying?

I know you think he 'meant well' but to me it's massively like a power play. I know what you want. I've decided to do what I want.

Pp is right. Most men (well mine anyway) would love it all handed to them on a plate. Job done. He can get on organising knowing I'll be happy. Why change it? Even the op can't definitively say.

And we have all the warning signs and posters saying don't do anything as he's expecting you to pick it up. And sure enough. Fuck all's been planned.

If I'd planned something for my partner I thought he'd enjoy and he told me actually he wouldn't. Hell I'd be sorting shit out to make it something he DID want. No way would I make my dh have a shit or mediocre big birthday just because of my fuck up.

It'll be interesting to see how he deals with this now he knows it's not what you want.

Juells · 29/09/2019 09:39

billy1966
Also, I am really suspicious of the whole thing.

I would be as well. Experience has taught me that when something makes no sense, there's something (that matters to whoever else is involved) you don't know.

Ridiculous that he'd ignore the agreed arrangement for your birthday, swap his childcare around so he could take you away a few weeks before that, and go completely against what you wanted.

fedup21 · 29/09/2019 09:40

You have a sister, a mum and a partner who don’t really give a shit about what you want-you poor thing

I wouldn’t be going.

avoidingwork · 29/09/2019 09:45

This could be a proposal plan.

MinnieMountain · 29/09/2019 09:51

I would make your own plans to go away with friends and leave your H to deal with the fall out from family.

I organised my own 40th because DH knows I'm very particular and enjoy planning. He wouldn't have dreamed of changing something I was really looking forward to.

CamembertIt · 29/09/2019 09:55

Sorry I agree with @billy1966. There's something behind this you don't know about. I think it is probably something to do with his own kids. I'd be suspicious here OP. Could be something nice, could be something underhand. It's odd behaviour. Speak to your DSis and DM.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/09/2019 09:56

please keep using the phrase "No, I haven't made any arrangements/plans, because it's my birthday"

Although, why should you have to, as DP & relatives are making sure it's all lovely for you, aren't they?

so I don't ruin it any further.

What is DP doing, so that it's not ruined any further?

The weekend event is one problem but there is also the problem of your DP giving no consideration to your happiness.
Please don't brush that under the carpet - along with all the other work you'll likely be doing so that he doesn't feel bad.

Juells · 29/09/2019 09:56

I don't understand why you can't tell your sister and mother that it isn't what you wanted, they've messed up your plans, and will they please stay at your house and look after the assorted children, while you have the weekend you asked for and expected.

JuneSpoon · 29/09/2019 10:05

OP could you organise a child free weekend for another time with a friend (or solo) and leave your DC with him? You get a weekend away without having to rely on your parents travelling again. He gets a taste of time with small kids. I know he has DC but they might be older now, his Ex might do the tough stuff. And he might get a little insight into why you wanted a lovely child free weekend. If finances allow it would be in addition to your weekend away with him but if you went away solo the weekend after the big family event at least you could celebrate your birthday in the way you want to.

Or could your parents stay the week and mind your DC next weekend?

MumW · 29/09/2019 10:06

I have demanded pancakes for my birthday breakfast and said their will be war if anyone even thinks about making an omelette!
🤣 Love it.

You say there are no plans yet. Use this to your advantage.
Find some things you'd like to do, preferably leaving others in charge of DC. Plan the weekend events and put the organisation babysitting ball firmly in their court.

Send DSis a list of foods kids will like as well as a list of your favourite meals. "You'll need this information when YOU and DH organise the catering"

Have a response ready just in case he proposes. How about something like "There is a time and a place for a proposal and this isn't either may0be the hot tub cottage would have been morr appropriate"

AfterSchoolWorry · 29/09/2019 10:07

Ring your sister and thank her for assuming responsibility for the kids for the weekend.

The silly eejit.

dontgobaconmyheart · 29/09/2019 10:07

Assert yourself OP- the priority in life isn't pandering to grown men's feelings and ego at the expense of yours. No need to agree politely and express gratitude that doesn't exist just to keep his mood afloat. Like many here, if my DP did this to me,he'd be scrabbling around trying to fix it and apologising and we'd book the trip I wanted, even if I felt I also had to go on this one.

What he's done is fairly disrespectful really; he knew exactly what you wanted and lied he had done it, then decided himself that he knows better than you what you want for your own birthday - doubly disappointing as it appears to highlight he doesn't actually know or understand your wants or needs at all.

It is a trip he wants OP, up to you if you go, if you do then none of it is for you to plan- defer it all to him. At the same time remind him that you wanted some child free time for your birthday and will be taking it. Frankly I'd want time away from him as well and would go alone or with a friend but that's another story I suppose.

gill1960 · 29/09/2019 10:07

I would hate what hes done and tell him.

emilybrontescorsett · 29/09/2019 10:23

Yanbu at all.
See what happens. If it's not fabulous arrange to spend time with friends next year , without your dp.

gamerchick · 29/09/2019 10:29

Ring your sister and thank her for assuming responsibility for the kids for the weekend

Yep, I'd do exact this. Ring her up and thank her for taking away your child free weekend but how kind it is of her to offer and you gladly accept all the childcare she's going to do so you can relax. What a star.

gamerchick · 29/09/2019 10:31

Well actually what I would do is not go along with it and make my own plans so there is zero chance of this happening again. But I'm not the OP who looks like is going along with it now.

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 29/09/2019 10:32

@billy1966 @Juells @CamembertIt I agree something seems very odd about this whole thing and there's possibly something I don't know about. If there is I hope it's actually something with me in mind instead of just something that suited some of all of those coming along.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheresAMouse · 29/09/2019 10:34

Oh and sorry I think I'd said the wrong weekend. It's weekend of the 11th Oct. I'm tempted to leave the plans and see if he or they come up with something.

OP posts:
WildfirePonie · 29/09/2019 10:36

OP - Time to release your inner Diva!

Sleepyhead19 · 29/09/2019 10:37

Could you feel a bit poorly, or have a headache and stay home? I think that’s what I would be doing lol. Tell them go and enjoy themselves but you aren’t up to it, then have a few friends over and enjoy yourself.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/09/2019 10:44

I'm beginning to agree with the above.

Something smells very fishy about this.

This weekend isn't being arranged to suit you, OP.

I think it might be time for:

'DP, I've been thinking and now you know this isn't what I want, and you're upset that you've upset me, let's just call it off. I really don't want to spend the money on this, and it's going to be so much organising for you to get the whole weekend together and activities and so much childcare for my parents/sister so I can have that birthday weekend off. It's easier for everyone if we just don't go. I'd much rather that really.'

See what he says. It will be - illuminating, I think.

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