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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:
GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/09/2019 01:10

@Ferret27 you know it's possible to click on 'Watch This Thread' instead of making a useless post?

Seahorseshoe · 29/09/2019 01:14

Yanbu op. I think his intention was good, but he missed the mark in this one. I'd feel the same.

Nottobesoldseparately · 29/09/2019 01:30

An email to everyone attending is now in order.

Dear All,

DP has had to let me in on the secret big secret, due to logistics.

Really looking forward to seeing you all and being waited on hand and foot so I can relax and be spoilt rotten.

It's so great of you all to get up with the kids whilst I have a lie in, cook all the meals and do all the tidying etc.

It's not often I get the chance to sit back and do nothing so this will be great for me.

Much love Mouse

Ps...My favourite wine is X, my favourite meals are XYZ, etc etc

MechaNic · 29/09/2019 06:11

I'd be very upset, YANBU. I do wonder, though, what his arrangement is with his ex regarding their kids? If that was his weekend with them and he couldn't swap for another one, it'd make perfect sense to disguise it as a massive family surprise for your birthday. But then I always overthink, so don't mind me. It would be a good idea to maybe make that a tradition now, though. Birthdays and anniversaries should be a child free evening for you guys. Let him know that so he knows not to plan that type of surprise again.
That doesn't exclude private surprises for just the two of you, of course!

chamenanged · 29/09/2019 07:27

I thought he'd arranged for his kids to be with their mum that weekend. They are now coming along so I asked about that. Apparently he swapped the weekend so that he could take me on the previous weekend away.

That's awful. I'd be absolutely seething about that part of it.

I did also ask him if there were any plans of what we are doing when we're there. Apparently not yet.

And this would tip me over the edge.

Smileyk · 29/09/2019 07:28

I'd be angry and I don't hide angry well so he would be made well aware of my unhappiness and a replacement "me" weekend would be arranged asap!

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 29/09/2019 07:38

OP, please don't do a thing towards plans for when you're there. I know it's going to physically hurt not to, but please resist!

Fantail2018 · 29/09/2019 07:45

I agree with previous posters - he hasn't listened to you or considered your feelings and now looks to be dumping the actual work on you too.

I do understand the family pressure. My mum's 70th is coming up and despite her saying she doesn't want a party or meal out I've had to keep pushing back on her sister and ex sil who want me to arrange this (and wanted to include masses of family including my dad who is her ex husband and his partner). I've had to confirm repeatedly that 1) she doesn't want this and 2) that no she doesn't want her ex-husbands cousin coming over for dinner for her birthday and so on. There is clearly a difference in social/extroverted people who want everyone in their lives to celebrate with them and those who don't want a big focus on them/like to celebrate quietly. If he's not used to family dynamics and your sister is pushy he may have caved in... but again as per others - at this point he has to take on as much as possible.

Good luck!

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 29/09/2019 07:50

Also, please keep using the phrase "No, I haven't made any arrangements/plans, because it's my birthday". If feeling generous, tell your P this in advance, today. 50:50 bet that he gets annoyed with you for not being helpful...

Witchinaditch · 29/09/2019 07:53

If you still have a week to go can you not just tell your partner to call your family and say that he’s made a mistake and it’s just going to be too much for you with all the kids ect and so just you and him are going? Your partner will of course cover the cost.

This is a tricky one as I love my family and we do everything together so the original weekend for me would have included my family but if it’s not what you want then that’s fine you shouldn’t have to suffer in science tell him to tell them not to come!

wardrobe12 · 29/09/2019 07:59

If you're actually going on this family celebration id be telling everyone how pleased you are that you're not going to have to lift a finger and isn't it kind of DP to have organised a break for you to simply relax and do nothing as he's going to be doing all the spade work - kids entertainment , cooking etc

I'd call his bluff

I'm afraid I do think he's a twat

And you shouldn't have to do a damn thing on your birthday celebration holiday

MarthasGinYard · 29/09/2019 08:09

This is getting a bit daft now

PapayaCoconut · 29/09/2019 08:09

So you're spending your birthday entertaining and catering for others, planning activities that will suit everyone instead of just doing what you want, and doing childcare instead of relaxing? 😳 And he thought you'd be delighted? Really??? 🤯

PapayaCoconut · 29/09/2019 08:12

Id be telling everyone how pleased you are that you're not going to have to lift a finger and isn't it kind of DP to have organised a break for you to simply relax and do nothing

Yeah... except this is real life, where you can't just "clock off" from being a parent, or indeed switch off other people's expectations of you at the drop of a hat. At least not without causing arguments and upset.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 29/09/2019 08:14

He's made no plans for the time you're all there. What a surprise. Not!

rookiemere · 29/09/2019 08:18

I wouldn't be phoning Dsis about the arrangements because then you'll be involved, nor would I be sending emails and texts saying how I was looking forward to not lifting a finger as frankly that will make you seem unhinged.

I would however explain to DP that he needs to pick up with Dsis and make arrangements for meals and activities as you won't. Tell him that as this is what he has picked for your birthday he needs to do logistics without involving you.

I don't think anyone has done this maliciously, more in a sense of incorrectly deciding your preferences, but they need to ensure that you are honoured guest rather than chief bottle washer.

Fridakahlofan · 29/09/2019 08:20

Pretend to be ill last minute and sneak off to a spa on your own!

Jack80 · 29/09/2019 08:39

I would go but mention you wanted a child free weekend just the two of you so you need to book one for in the future.

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 29/09/2019 08:42

@Witchinaditch I do get on very well with my family too and the idea of this weekend away is a perfectly lovely one but the issue is I've lost the coupley weekend we'd chosen 6 months ago. I just don't understand why they didn't book the family weekend on another date.

OP posts:
PillowLid · 29/09/2019 08:58

I think you should enter into the spirit of it - it was meant as a lovely gesture. Arrange another weekend away, for just the two of you. Try to let go of the resentment! Don't let everyone on here stoke it up.

Witchinaditch · 29/09/2019 09:01

@TheresAMouse but he took you away on a coupley weekend a few weeks ago? So you have had that. I can see it would change the dynamic of the weekend and I would want/need some child free time, however, if you’re still going to go then maybe just accept it and start thinking about how good it can be (wine with your sister, lay in, long walks) rather than the negatives as you may as well enjoy it now, or don’t go.

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 29/09/2019 09:02

@PillowLid thank you. That's exactly what I want to do is just embrace it now. I know the intentions were good behind it. There's little I can do about it now so the best thing I can do is make the most of it so I don't ruin it any further.

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 29/09/2019 09:02

This "no plans yet" bit. Has nothing been arranged about meals, even?

Original poster
TheresAMouse · 29/09/2019 09:03

@Witchinaditch yep I'll make the most of it now. I might even look at the cottage tomorrow

OP posts:
billy1966 · 29/09/2019 09:04

Well OP, if you really want to see who this guy is, do not involve yourself in any of the plans or catering.

"This is a surprise birthday weekend for me, I'm not involved in any organising of any part of it. Ask OH" on an endless loop.....

How he reacts to this will tell you a lot.

Also, I am really suspicious of the whole thing.

Men generally like it easy. You handed your birthday plans to him on a plate. Venue, parents organised to take the children. So easy.

So the fact he undoes all of this, re-arranges for his children to join, and your parents and sister and all the logistics involved is frankly unbelievable.

Yes, I have hugely generalised above regarding men, but I believe it to be true.

I also think most women in that situation would take the information given to them as a gift and go with it.

I think the change came about to facilitate his children and everything is a distraction and subterfuge.

There is no way this weekend is about you, if he has had 6 months to arrange it, and he hasn't done a thing about the details.💐

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