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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be gutted by my birthday surprise!

953 replies

TheresAMouse · 27/09/2019 08:26

I am turning 40 this year and never usually go to much trouble for my birthday. Seeing as it's a milestone one I decided to arrange something nice to mark the occasion. My partner and I have been together for about 2 years. We chose a lovely little cottage with a hot tub for a few nights just for the two of us. I arranged for my parents (who live out of the area) to have my two young kids and I was delighted with the plan. As my parents would be staying with us, I then had the opportunity to celebrate with them also with a meal when we got back.

My partner has now revealed the surprise that he didn't book that cottage and instead he's booked another one so that my parents, my kids, my sister and BIL and my partners kids will be coming away to celebrate my birthday. My immediate feeling was that I felt gutted. I'm not keen on the fuss and I was quite looking forward to being childfree for a few nights - as I rarely get the opportunity. I feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. I know he has gone to a lot of trouble to arrange this and I really do appreciate the sentiment behind it. If we didn't already have a plan in place (or so I thought) - I'm sure I would be delighted. We go away next weekend and I'm just feeling blah about it. I've told my partner I'm really grateful for the surprise etc. I really tried to hide my reaction but I know he knows I'm not ecstatic about it. I feel really awful about the whole thing. Please tell me am I being completely out of order?

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/09/2019 22:33

What @JamieFrasersSassenach said.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 28/09/2019 22:34

TBH OP, after your update, and his complete dismissal of your feelings, and your entire family's rollercoaster, I think you should tell everyone, plainly, that you won't be going.

Imagine if he'd "surprised" you. Fucking hell.

I've a significant birthday looming and I would go mental if DH pulled a stunt like that.

They arranged it, they can unarrange it.

OhioOhioOhio · 28/09/2019 22:35

Yes. What @jamie said

Cindefuckingrella · 28/09/2019 22:36

I think I’d be booking the other cottage for 2 for a few weeks time. Then the week before tell him I’m going with a girl friend ...see how he likes it!

LovePoppy · 28/09/2019 22:37

Do you still need to do all the emotional labour of getting everyone ready? Then the physical labour?

saraclara · 28/09/2019 22:41

I actually think its really sinister that he has involved your family in betraying 6 months of your planning and excited anticipation of your 40th.

Sinister? Oh come on now...

C0untDucku1a · 28/09/2019 22:51

Make sure you dont take over the organising. And make sure your parents still babysit so you arent doing all the parenting.

Span1elsRock · 28/09/2019 22:51

He's not even arranged anything

Now I'm entirely convinced he's landing this firmly in your lap to rescue.

TheKarateKitty · 28/09/2019 22:59

“I did also ask him if there were any plans of what we are doing when we're there. Apparently not yet.”

Right, if the telling of the “surprise” a week prior didn’t tell that you will be expected to be hostess with the mostess, that lack of plans should. Who “plans” a holiday without, you know, plans?

You should cancel, or leave them to it. As a pp stated, nothing about this trip is for you.
They planned it, despite what you want, they go and do the work and “enjoy.”

donethinkin · 28/09/2019 23:02

Oh wow...he’s tried but he’s got it badly wrong!

Sleepyhead19 · 28/09/2019 23:10

I think if he hasn’t actually organised anything for when you are there, he hasn’t thought it through at all. Generally, if you go somewhere as a family, there are days out or places to go planned. Are you going to play snap and board games all weekend? Chances are the weather won’t be any good for walks! The kids will be driving you mad with their boredom too. I think I would ask for it to be cancelled.
I can only imagine a chaotic few days of being stuck indoors wishing I was at home!

Thisisnotreallymyname · 28/09/2019 23:13

He made a mistake, but it seems he did it with a good heart.

thecatinthetwat · 28/09/2019 23:19

And make sure your parents still babysit so you arent doing all the parenting.

Her DP's children are coming too, so she can hardly 'make sure her parents still babysit'. Also, her parents have been invited by her DP to share a weekend break with them, not to follow them around as live-in babysitters. It's also for her DP to 'make sure' anything as he's organising and hosting.

thecatinthetwat · 28/09/2019 23:27

He made a mistake, but it seems he did it with a good heart.

Well ok, he didn't do it with a bad heart, like some pantomime villain. But what difference does that make really? He's unplanned her plans ffs! It's so odd, it's beyond belief.

Some MNers must have such low standards for their partners...

Listen to me and my thoughts?
Know me and what I like?

Nope, not necessary, just make a random, not even romantic, ill-thought-out gesture (and yes a mere gesture, because none of the work or planning has been done at all) and all is well.

Sorry op

RightYesButNo · 28/09/2019 23:29

Honestly, at this point I would be saying to him -“ I am only packing for me, I am doing no cooking, cleaning or childcare while we are there and I expect at least 1 meal out on our own. If that is not what you’ve arranged then you’re all going without me.” And I would mean it - if he’s that upset about it, he ought to be bending over backwards for you.

This is what you need to know, especially when he says “nothing’s planned yet.” It’s all well and good that his eyes were welling up over how upset he is that he’s got it wrong, but if he really cares, then he’ll take on the mum-work and the emotional labor for this weekend, i.e. all the work you wouldn’t be doing if he hadn’t ruined your plan!

If he’s not willing to do that, or come up with all the plans with your sister and parents so they can split the work amongst them, then he’s not really sorry - just put it on for your conversation like a child who didn’t want to be in trouble.

I really would refuse to go if it was just going to be the same shite in a different place. I think you said people have booked flights, but if they’re not planning to chip in (work-wise) to give you a nice birthday weekend, then they just did it to give themselves a holiday, which makes them a bit of selfish wankers, too, and you don’t need to be present for someone else’s holiday.

PanamaPattie · 28/09/2019 23:45

Don't organise anything - in fact let everyone else sort it. Don't even pack. His brilliant idea - leave him to get on with it.

MulticolourMophead · 29/09/2019 00:28

I did also ask him if there were any plans of what we are doing when we're there. Apparently not yet.

Why not? Given that he's spent all this time apparently sorting everything.

thecatinthetwat · 29/09/2019 00:36

He really better be busy tomorrow buying stuff for the kids to do and planning the shopping, looking up local restaurants and buying some bloody nice wine!

MulticolourMophead · 29/09/2019 00:41

Sorry OP, but I still don't understand why he completely changed the arrangements you specified as your preferred birthday weekend, for some suggestion your childless sister made.

I don't believe him.
I wouldn't trust him.
Whomever this weekend is about, it most certainly isn't about you.

Nothing up have written adds up.

I think you should put your mother and sister straight too.

They can join your OH in doing the work, or you don't go. Don't try to soothe anyone's feelings, they've all fucked up here and they can do the decent thing and own it.

prawnonthebarbie · 29/09/2019 00:51

I wouldn't go tbh. I don't enjoy house sharing on holiday and can't imagine anything relaxing about not only kids running around but the noise of lots of other people too.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/09/2019 00:53

Nobody ever plans a suprise party, invites all the guests, then says to the honoured guest 'ok, so I've booked things, now, can you do the entertainment and catering?'

Except this guy, apparently.

Vivianebrookskoviak · 29/09/2019 00:54

I'd be fuming if I were you and rip strips off him for this.

This isn't about you and your birthday, this is about him. He arranged something against your wishes so he could get what he wants while disguising it as being 'a nice gesture'!
Him being dismissive of your feelings really convinces me he's made it all about him.
I'd be putting my foot down and not going. Book yourself a spa weekend and go with a girl friend or on your own. Leave him to deal with his 'plan' himself as it's his doing.

Can't believe some people saying 'Oh it's a nice gesture, go anyway!' as if you're supposed to accommodate what he wants on YOUR birthday!
Anyways, make sure you have a good one doing what YOU want!